Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term

Andrew Huberman introduces the Huberman Lab Podcast, highlighting its focus on science and practical tools for everyday life. He introduces Dr. David Buss, a prominent evolutionary psychologist from the University of Texas, Austin. Dr. Buss's research focuses on human mate selection strategies, sex differences in mating, and the complexities of human relationships, including infidelity, status assessment, and mate poaching. The discussion promises to cover various topics related to mating, relationships, and biological influences on behavior.

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Dr. Buss discusses the differences in criteria for mate choice between long-term and short-term relationships. He explains the theoretical framework of sexual selection, highlighting intrasexual competition and preferential mate choice. Buss elaborates on the qualities both men and women look for in long-term mates, such as intelligence, kindness, and mutual attraction. He also touches on sex differences, with women prioritizing resource acquisition and men valuing physical attractiveness.

Dr. Buss describes his study of 37 different cultures, revealing universal, sex-differentiated, and culturally variable mate preferences. Universal desires include intelligence, kindness, and mutual attraction, while sex differences show women preferring older men with resources and men preferring younger women. Cultural variations are seen in the value placed on virginity, with significant differences across societies. Buss discusses the impact of cultural changes over time on mate preferences.

Huberman and Buss explore the role of deception in mate selection, particularly in the context of online dating. They discuss common deceptive practices, such as exaggerating physical attributes and using outdated photos. Buss emphasizes the importance of meeting in person to assess qualities like emotional stability, which are crucial for long-term relationships. The conversation highlights how deception has evolved with modern technology, complicating the mating landscape.

Buss explains the sex differences in motives for infidelity, with men seeking sexual variety and women often driven by dissatisfaction with their primary relationship. He introduces the dual mating strategy and mate switching hypotheses, arguing that women might seek better genetic material or consider switching partners. Buss presents evidence suggesting that most women become emotionally involved with their affair partners, supporting the mate switching hypothesis.

The discussion delves into how men and women detect deception and infidelity in their partners. Buss highlights that men are more concerned with sexual infidelity due to paternity concerns, while women are more affected by emotional infidelity. They also explore how modern technology and surveillance have impacted the detection of infidelity, with people hacking phones and using other means to uncover their partner's unfaithfulness.

Buss discusses the evolved function of jealousy, which serves to protect long-term mating investments. He identifies various triggers of jealousy, including infidelity, mate poaching, and mate value discrepancies. Jealousy can lead to behaviors ranging from vigilance to violence. Buss emphasizes that mate value discrepancies, such as career advancements or job losses, can trigger jealousy even in the absence of direct threats to the relationship.

The conversation examines the tactics used for mate retention, including verbal and physical violence. Buss explains that men often use violence to reduce perceived mate value discrepancies and prevent their partners from leaving or committing infidelity. He also touches on the specific instances of violence during pregnancy and the role of psychological manipulation in maintaining control over a partner.

Buss discusses the impact of having children on mate value, explaining that it generally decreases mate value due to the associated costs. He notes that women with children might find it harder to attract high mate value partners, while men with children might still be considered desirable if they demonstrate a willingness to invest in their partner's children. Buss also explains how mate value discrepancies influence repartnering after a breakup.

The discussion shifts to the impact of childhood attachment styles on adult relationships. Buss explains that secure attachment styles are conducive to stable long-term relationships, while avoidant and anxious attachment styles can create challenges. He introduces the concept of 'relationship load,' which includes the baggage individuals bring into relationships, affecting their dynamics and stability.

Huberman and Buss explore unconventional relationships, such as polyamory and open relationships. Buss explains the motivations behind these arrangements, often driven by men's desire for sexual variety and women's use of polyamory as a mate retention tactic. The conversation highlights the complexities of managing jealousy and emotional connections in such relationships and how couples negotiate boundaries and rules.

The conversation concludes with a discussion on the future of evolutionary psychology and neuroscience integration. Buss expresses optimism about the merging of these fields to better understand the underlying mechanisms of human behavior. Huberman suggests potential collaborations, such as brain imaging studies on jealousy, to further explore these topics. They emphasize the importance of interdisciplinary research in uncovering the complexities of human mating and relationships.

Huberman encourages listeners to explore Dr. Buss's books for a deeper understanding of human mating and relationships. Buss briefly discusses his recent book, 'When Men Behave Badly,' which examines sexual conflict and strategies for coping with relationship issues. He also mentions his earlier works, 'The Evolution of Desire' and 'Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind,' which provide comprehensive insights into human mating strategies and broader aspects of evolutionary psychology.