Trauma, shame, and being enough | Patti Ashley | TEDxCU

The speaker begins by discussing their research on shame, highlighting that the core issue often revolves around the feeling of being 'enough.' They introduce a humorous character named 'Nuff' to symbolize the idea that everyone is enough. Despite this positive affirmation, the speaker acknowledges the complexity of truly believing in one's 'enoughness.' Drawing from their experiences as a mother, educator, therapist, and author, they delve into the reasons behind the pervasive feeling of inadequacy. They recount their journey to understand and address this issue, including the pursuit of a Ph.D. in psychology. The speaker also discusses the concept of the 'good enough mother' and how it inadvertently created another unattainable standard. They touch upon the role of perfectionism and shame in fostering a sense of not-enoughness and introduce the concept of the 'shadow' as defined by Carl Jung. The speaker concludes this paragraph by reflecting on the significant increase in mental health calls during the COVID-19 pandemic, suggesting that the crisis has forced people to confront their internal struggles.

The speaker explores the development of neural connections that support feelings of love and belonging, which are crucial for a sense of self-worth. They discuss how misattunements in early childhood can disrupt these connections, leading to a lifelong sense of inadequacy. The speaker then delves into historical child-rearing practices that were harmful and contributed to feelings of shame and unworthiness. They explain how the brain's operation during early childhood, primarily in theta brainwaves, means that experiences are deeply ingrained in the subconscious, potentially casting a 'shame-inducing spell.' The concept of trauma is introduced, with the speaker noting that trauma can impair the brain's ability to feel safe. They discuss various adaptive responses that people develop as a result of trauma, such as people-pleasing and perfectionism. The speaker emphasizes the importance of confronting and overcoming shame to prevent it from causing harm to oneself and others.

The speaker offers hope by explaining that it is possible to rewire neural connections and even change one's DNA, but this process must involve the heart, not just the mind. They describe the heart as a regulatory organ that responds to safety threats, contrasting it with the logical mind, which cannot provide a sense of safety. The speaker emphasizes the importance of experiences that feel good for generating coherent heart rhythms and rewiring emotional safety. They introduce the concept of mindfulness as a means of staying present and avoiding the reactivation of trauma. The speaker shares a client's story, illustrating how confronting and expressing repressed emotions can lead to healing and self-expression. They encourage the audience to acknowledge their ability to change and commit to treating themselves better. The speaker also discusses the importance of creativity in building neuroplasticity and the power of truth-telling in overcoming chronic feelings of not-enoughness.

The speaker suggests using the power of imagination as a tool to tame shame and foster a sense of self-worth. They encourage embracing childlike qualities such as awe, wonder, and curiosity, and engaging in activities that invoke these feelings, like singing, dancing, and creating. The speaker recommends using the senses to identify positive experiences and cultivating gratitude, even in difficult times. They also encourage the audience to imagine what it would feel like to be enough, as a way to break free from the spell of shame. The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of play, creativity, and sensory experiences in overcoming feelings of inadequacy and shame.