The Science of Attraction: Why You’ve Not Met Someone - Matthew Hussey (Bonus Episode)

Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal

8 Jun 202353:40

EducationalLearning

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TLDRIn this episode of 'Deep Dive,' the host explores the complexities of modern dating with relationship expert Matthew Hussey. They dissect the four stages of attraction, discuss common dating mistakes, and offer practical advice for creating meaningful connections. Hussey emphasizes the importance of understanding and balancing chemistry, perceived value, challenge, and compatibility in relationships. The conversation delves into maintaining desire in long-term relationships and the significance of adapting to each other's needs for love and excitement.

Takeaways

📱 The modern dating landscape is complex, with fewer organic meetings and a reliance on dating apps which come with their own set of challenges.
👫 In the past, limited choices in dating often led to easier commitments, whereas today's paradox of choice can complicate finding a partner.
🚀 Matthew Hussey's journey began with public speaking, inspired by Tony Robbins, and evolved into helping women navigate the dating world with confidence.
🧲 Attraction is not just mystical but can be broken down into four phases: chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection.
🔍 Perceived value in a potential partner can be influenced by various factors, including personality, life achievements, and social circle.
💰 Perceived challenge is crucial for sustainable attraction and involves making one's value 'earned' rather than easily given, avoiding the 'hard to get' trope.
🤔 The importance of not rushing to assign too much value early in a relationship, as it can lead to a loss of respect and challenge.
🔗 Understanding the four stages of a relationship: admiration, connection, commitment, and compatibility, to build a strong and lasting bond.
💡 Matthew Hussey emphasizes the importance of not just being yourself but ensuring that 'yourself' is the best, most confident version that can attract quality relationships.
👣 The 'Handkerchief Metaphor' suggests that women can initiate interest subtly by asking small favors, allowing men to feel they are making the move.
🔄 The 'Two-Hit Theory' encourages being approachable and engaging in small interactions to become the 'third best friend' in the room, increasing social opportunities.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the 'Deep Dive' podcast?
-The 'Deep Dive' podcast is a platform where the host engages in conversations with authors, entrepreneurs, academics, and other inspiring individuals to understand their journeys and the strategies and tools that can be learned from them to build a life that one loves.
How has modern dating evolved compared to the past, as discussed in the podcast?
-Modern dating has become more complex due to factors like the prevalence of online dating apps and the paradox of choice, where people are more likely to meet potential partners online and face challenges in standing out and making meaningful connections, unlike in the past where choices were fewer and relationships were often formed with people in close proximity.
Who is Matthew Hussey and what is his area of expertise?
-Matthew Hussey is a dating and relationship expert and coach who has helped millions of people find love and build strong relationships through his books, content, workshops, and YouTube channel. He is known for providing dating advice primarily for women, focusing on helping them become more confident and improving their interactions with men.
What are the four stages of attraction as discussed by Matthew Hussey?
-The four stages of attraction, according to Matthew Hussey, are chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. These stages can help individuals understand and diagnose issues in their relationships and work on building deep and lasting attraction.
Can attraction be influenced or controlled to some extent?
-While attraction has an element of mystery and can't be entirely controlled, aspects such as personal presentation, health, and behavior can influence chemistry, which is a part of the attraction process. Additionally, perceived value and challenge can be managed to a degree to affect attraction.
What is the 'Handkerchief Metaphor' mentioned in the podcast and its significance?
-The 'Handkerchief Metaphor' is a concept introduced by Matthew Hussey to encourage women to initiate interactions with men they are interested in. It refers to the historical practice where a woman would 'accidentally' drop a handkerchief to give a man an opportunity to approach her, symbolizing a subtle and indirect way for women to make the first move.
What advice does Matthew Hussey give for women to approach men they are interested in?
-Matthew Hussey suggests that women can use the strategy of asking for a small favor as a modern equivalent of 'dropping the handkerchief.' This could include asking a man to watch their jacket or recommend a good place nearby, which serves as an icebreaker and a natural lead into a conversation.
What is the 'Two-Hit Theory' and how can it be applied in social settings?
-The 'Two-Hit Theory' is a concept where individuals engage in small, non-threatening interactions with multiple people in a social setting. The first 'hit' is the initial interaction, and the second 'hit' is a follow-up conversation later on. This approach makes the individual more approachable and can lead to deeper connections with those they are attracted to.
How does the podcast discuss the balance between love and desire in long-term relationships?
-The podcast discusses the balance between love and desire by emphasizing the importance of understanding and catering to each partner's needs. It suggests that while love is about feeling secure and one with the partner, desire involves a sense of mystery, novelty, and excitement, and maintaining this balance is crucial for a healthy long-term relationship.
What is the significance of the 'honeymoon phase' in relationships as discussed in the podcast?
-The 'honeymoon phase' is described as a period of intense desire and idealization in a relationship. It's significant because it sets the stage for the transition into a more real and grounded relationship. Understanding what stokes desire during this phase can help couples sustain that excitement and attraction as the relationship matures.

Outlines

00:00

🎙️ Introduction to the Podcast and Modern Dating Challenges

The podcast host welcomes listeners to 'Deep Dive,' a platform for engaging with various professionals to explore their journeys and strategies for success. The host discusses the complexities of modern dating, contrasting it with the simpler methods of previous generations. They highlight the prevalence of online dating and its challenges, such as standing out on dating apps and dealing with the paradox of choice. The episode's guest, Matthew Hussey, a renowned dating and relationship expert, is introduced, along with a brief overview of his background and his unique perspective on dating advice for women.

05:01

💡 The Four Stages of Attraction and Matthew's Expertise

The host delves into the concept of attraction with Matthew, breaking it down into four distinct stages: chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. They discuss the importance of each component and how they contribute to building lasting attraction. Matthew's journey from public speaking to becoming a dating coach is outlined, emphasizing his focus on helping women navigate the dating world and his philosophy on providing a male perspective to bridge communication gaps between men and women.

10:02

🔍 Understanding the Mistakes in Dating and the Importance of Stages

The conversation identifies common dating mistakes, such as focusing too much on admiration and chemistry without considering commitment and compatibility. Matthew explains the significance of each stage in forming a strong relationship and warns against misjudging the value of early-stage connections. He emphasizes the importance of not losing one's value by accepting poor treatment in the pursuit of chemistry or connection.

15:04

🤔 Attraction as a Choice and Overcoming Prejudgments

The discussion explores the idea that attraction can be a choice and the influence of past experiences on our preferences. Matthew encourages curiosity and openness to different types of people, cautioning against the trap of seeking validation from others. He also touches on the impact of trauma bonds and the importance of recognizing when we project our insecurities onto potential partners.

20:06

👫 The Concept of Unique Pairing in Attraction

Matthew introduces the concept of unique pairing in attraction, where two contrasting yet attractive qualities in the same person create a compelling 3D effect. He advises against becoming one-dimensional and emphasizes the importance of being a 'complete album' with diverse qualities. The conversation also touches on the potential downsides of relying too heavily on one's strengths.

25:06

📚 Matthew's Dating Advice and the 'Handkerchief Metaphor'

Matthew shares modern dating advice, challenging traditional beliefs about gender roles in dating. He introduces the 'handkerchief metaphor,' encouraging women to take a proactive role in initiating conversations with men. This approach allows women to create opportunities and choose their partners rather than waiting to be chosen.

30:07

🤝 The 'Two-Hit Theory' and Enhancing Approachability

The host and Matthew discuss the 'two-hit theory,' a strategy for enhancing approachability in social settings. The theory involves making small, non-threatening interactions with multiple people, which can lead to more organic and natural conversations later. This approach helps in becoming the 'third best friend' in the room, increasing the likelihood of being approached.

35:08

💑 Long-Term Relationships and Balancing Love with Desire

The conversation concludes with insights into long-term relationships, focusing on the balance between love and desire. Matthew discusses the honeymoon phase, the importance of understanding and fulfilling each other's needs, and the challenge of maintaining desire as the relationship progresses. He emphasizes the importance of listening to your partner and adapting to their love language.

40:08

🌟 Final Thoughts on Developing Relationship Skills

In the final summary, the host reflects on the importance of developing relationship skills and not leaving the success of relationships to chance. The episode with Matthew Hussey aims to provide a fresh perspective on dating, attraction, and relationships, encouraging viewers to consider these topics thoughtfully and to continue learning and growing in this aspect of life.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Attraction

Attraction in this context refers to the initial interest or chemistry that one feels towards another person, which can be a precursor to a romantic relationship. It is a multifaceted concept that includes chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. The video discusses how attraction is often perceived as mystical but can be broken down into these distinct phases, which are crucial for understanding how relationships begin and develop.

💡Perceived Value

Perceived value relates to the qualities and attributes that an individual possesses which make them valuable or desirable to a potential partner. In the video, it is mentioned as one of the components of attraction, emphasizing that these qualities can manifest in various ways, such as personality traits, life achievements, or even the social circle one is part of. The script highlights the importance of not overestimating one's value too early in a relationship, as it can diminish the perceived challenge.

💡Perceived Challenge

Perceived challenge is the idea that there should be an element of effort or 'price' to gain access to one's value in a relationship. The video explains that without this challenge, the attraction can fizzle out, as it is the pursuit and the effort that often sustains desire. It is not about playing games but ensuring that one's value is recognized and earned by the other person.

💡Chemistry

Chemistry is the intangible connection or spark between two people that can sometimes be felt instantly and is often a significant factor in attraction. The script discusses how chemistry is not entirely controllable but can be influenced by how one presents oneself, including physical appearance, behavior, and even the way one moves.

💡Dating Apps

Dating apps are digital platforms that facilitate meeting and connecting with potential romantic partners. The video mentions how modern dating has become more complicated with the rise of dating apps, where people often make snap judgments based on profiles and photos, leading to a new set of challenges in the dating landscape.

💡Compatibility

Compatibility is the alignment of values, interests, and life goals between two people in a relationship. The video script emphasizes that beyond attraction and chemistry, compatibility is essential for a relationship to be sustainable and fulfilling in the long term. It is about ensuring that both partners want the same kind of life and have shared values.

💡Modern Dating

Modern dating encompasses the current practices and challenges of finding romantic partners in contemporary society. The script discusses how modern dating differs from past generations, with a focus on online interactions and the paradox of choice, where the abundance of options can sometimes lead to dissatisfaction and confusion.

💡Handkerchief Metaphor

The handkerchief metaphor is a concept introduced by Matthew Hussey in the video to illustrate a subtle way for women to initiate interaction with men. It refers to an old-fashioned practice where a woman would 'accidentally' drop a handkerchief to give a man an opportunity to approach her. In modern terms, it translates to women doing small things to get a man's attention or to start a conversation.

💡Two-Hit Theory

The two-hit theory is a concept Matthew Hussey discusses in the video about making initial, low-pressure interactions with multiple people in a social setting. The idea is to be approachable and engage in small talk with others, which can later facilitate more in-depth conversations or connections when the opportunity arises.

💡Long-Term Relationships

Long-term relationships are romantic partnerships that endure over an extended period, often characterized by deep emotional bonds and shared experiences. The video script delves into the dynamics of maintaining desire and love in long-term relationships, discussing the honeymoon phase and the importance of understanding and meeting each other's needs for both security and excitement.

💡Honeymoon Phase

The honeymoon phase refers to the initial period in a romantic relationship where there is intense feelings of love, attraction, and excitement. The video mentions that this phase is characterized by an idealized perception of one's partner and that navigating beyond this phase into a real relationship requires recognizing and adapting to each other's true selves.

Highlights

The modern dating world is complicated due to factors like meeting partners online and the paradox of choice.

Matthew Hussey's journey started with public speaking and evolved into helping women navigate dating.

Attraction can be broken down into four phases: chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection.

Chemistry involves tangible factors like appearance and intangible factors like movement and micro-expressions.

Perceived value includes personal qualities and the life one has built.

Perceived challenge is about making one's value 'earned' rather than given away freely.

The importance of not giving someone too much credit too quickly to avoid projection and insecurity.

The four stages of a relationship include admiration, connection, commitment, and compatibility.

Mistaking chemistry for a solid foundation of a relationship can lead to poor relationship choices.

The concept of 'unique pairing' in attraction, where two contrasting qualities create a 3D effect.

The importance of not being just one 'great song' but an 'album' with diverse qualities in a relationship.

The 'handkerchief' metaphor for women to initiate interaction without going against traditional norms.

Practical dating advice includes asking for small favors to initiate conversation and connection.

The 'two hit theory' for being approachable and creating opportunities for natural conversations.

The balance between love and desire in long-term relationships and the importance of maintaining desire.

The honeymoon phase as an intense period of desire and the transition into a real relationship.

The need to listen to your partner's needs and desires to sustain a healthy relationship.

The skill of creating love and long-lasting relationships is developed over time and not left to chance.

Transcripts

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Related Tags

Dating Advice Relationship Expert Modern Love Attraction Strategies Long-Term Desire Communication Skills Emotional Connection Love Languages Honeymoon Phase Social Dynamics