Responsible parenting: Create memories, not expectations | Austeja Landsbergiene | TEDxRiga

TEDx Talks
31 Aug 201615:34
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThe speaker, an experienced educator and mother, addresses the immense expectations placed on parents and children, urging for a shift towards kindness and acceptance. She emphasizes the importance of creating positive memories through unconditional love and support, rather than striving for perfection, which can lead to stress and mental health issues. The talk encourages parents to embrace the joys of parenting and to foster an environment where children can learn and grow without the fear of failure.

Takeaways
  • 👨‍👧‍👦 Everyone has a connection to family and parenting, whether as a parent or a child.
  • 🤔 Society places high expectations on individuals to succeed and parents to balance personal and professional life perfectly.
  • 👩‍🏫 The speaker has extensive experience in education and parenting, running schools and writing books on the subject.
  • 🌧️ The accumulation of expectations can feel overwhelming, like a raindrop growing until it falls.
  • 👧 Children often reflect societal expectations, and parents may unintentionally impose these on their children.
  • 💪 Accepting and being at peace with who your child is requires courage and letting go of societal pressures.
  • 👀 Parents sometimes fail to live up to their own ideals, as illustrated by the speaker's story of her daughter and nail polish.
  • 🍽️ A simple change, like cooking one meal for the family, can significantly improve a parent's happiness and reduce stress.
  • 🧠 Chronic stress in children can lead to long-term mental health issues and learning difficulties.
  • 🎯 The 'zone of proximal development' is where children learn best, with tasks that are challenging but achievable.
  • 👨‍👧‍👦‍👦 The speaker emphasizes the importance of creating positive, loving memories for children through kindness and understanding.
  • 🤔 Parents often project their fears and understanding of failure onto their children, which can be inappropriate for their age.
  • 🌟 The speaker encourages parents to focus on creating loving memories and spontaneous moments of joy with their children.
  • 🏆 Success is not about avoiding failure but about embracing the journey of learning and growing together.
Q & A

  • What is the main theme of the speaker's talk?

    -The main theme of the speaker's talk is the importance of balancing expectations and pressures in parenting, focusing on kindness, and creating positive memories for children.

  • How many children does the speaker have?

    -The speaker has four children.

  • What is the paradox the speaker talks about in relation to parenting?

    -The paradox is that despite wanting our children to be happy, parents often impose high expectations and stress, which can lead to mental health issues and hinder the joy of learning.

  • What is the 'zone of proximal development' mentioned by the speaker?

    -The 'zone of proximal development' is a concept by Lev Vygotsky, stating that children learn best when tasks are neither too easy nor too hard, allowing them to achieve goals with effort and passion.

  • How does the speaker describe the impact of chronic stress on a child's brain?

    -Chronic stress can trigger long-term changes in brain structure and function, making children more prone to mental problems such as anxiety, depression, mood disorders, and learning difficulties later in life.

  • What personal anecdote does the speaker share about her daughter and nail polish?

    -The speaker shares an anecdote where she got upset with her daughter for having nail polish on the first day of school, causing the daughter to feel ashamed and quiet, which made the speaker reflect on the impact of her actions.

  • What advice does the speaker give to the mother who was cooking three different dishes for her children every day?

    -The speaker advises the mother to stop cooking separate meals and instead prepare one meal for everyone, which ultimately made the mother happier and less stressed.

  • What does the speaker suggest is the key to creating lasting memories in parenting?

    -The speaker suggests that kindness is the key to creating lasting memories in parenting, as it makes children feel loved and secure.

  • How does the speaker relate the story of a young girl who got into Columbia University to the topic of parenting?

    -The story of the young girl serves as an example of the pressures and expectations that can lead to stress and anxiety, highlighting the importance of allowing children to find their own paths and interests.

  • What is the speaker's final advice to parents regarding expectations and memories?

    -The speaker advises parents to focus on creating loving memories, teaching values, and expressing love more often, rather than imposing their own expectations and concerns on their children.

  • What is the significance of the speaker's experience skiing with her father?

    -The experience of skiing with her father, where he chose kindness over forcing or shaming her, is a significant memory that motivates the speaker to advocate for a similar approach in parenting.

Outlines
00:00
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The Weight of Parental Expectations

The speaker, an experienced educator and mother, starts by acknowledging the universal experience of family and parenting. She discusses the immense expectations placed on individuals to succeed in life and work, and the additional pressures parents face to balance personal and professional lives while ensuring their children's well-being. The speaker reflects on her own experiences, including the guilt and regret she felt when she shamed her daughter for not conforming to societal expectations. She emphasizes the importance of acceptance and letting go, advocating for a parenting approach that prioritizes happiness and mental health over societal pressures.

05:02
🌟 The Paradox of Parental Pressure and Child Development

This paragraph delves into the paradox of wanting our children to be happy while simultaneously imposing high expectations that can lead to stress and potential mental health issues. The speaker highlights the rapid brain development in early childhood and the importance of nurturing this without causing chronic stress, which can have long-term negative effects. She references Lev Vygotsky's 'zone of proximal development' to stress the importance of balance in learning and the need to foster an environment where children can learn optimally. The speaker shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the impact of kindness and support over criticism and pressure, urging parents to consider the memories they are creating for their children.

10:03
🤹‍♂️ Embracing Curiosity and Overcoming the Fear of Failure

The speaker discusses the innate curiosity and creativity of children, using the example of a one-year-old's determination to learn to walk despite falling repeatedly. She contrasts this with the fear of failure that parents often project onto their children, imposing adult perceptions of failure on them. The speaker shares a story of a young girl who, despite academic success, struggled with guilt and anxiety due to the expectations placed on her. She emphasizes the importance of creating positive memories and experiences in the present, rather than waiting for a 'perfect' moment that may never come, and encourages parents to cherish spontaneous and unexpected moments of joy in parenting.

15:03
💖 The Power of Love and Memory in Parenting

In the final paragraph, the speaker focuses on the importance of love, forgiveness, and creating lasting memories in parenting. She encourages parents to teach values, express love frequently, and engage in activities that foster connection and joy. The speaker shares a story of a mother who prioritized her son's happiness over academic achievement, leading to improved grades and a stronger relationship. She concludes by emphasizing that the memories created through love and kindness are the most valuable aspect of life, urging parents to make every moment count and to strive for creating positive, loving memories with their children.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Expectations
Expectations refer to the beliefs or predictions about how someone or something should perform or behave. In the video, expectations are portrayed as burdens placed on individuals, particularly parents, to succeed in various aspects of life. The speaker discusses societal expectations for parents to balance personal and professional lives, which can lead to stress and pressure. An example from the script is the pressure on parents to 'juggle personal and professional lives, eat healthy food, prepare our children healthy meals every day, participate in sports, read books every night, and excel at work at the same time.'
💡Parenting
Parenting is the process of raising and guiding children to grow into responsible and autonomous adults. The video emphasizes the challenges and responsibilities of being a parent, including the societal expectations and the personal journey of learning to let go and accept one's child for who they are. The speaker's own experiences as a mother and an educator provide a personal context to the concept, as when she admits to being 'the irresponsible mother' due to societal standards in Lithuania.
💡Stress
Stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. The video discusses how chronic stress can have long-term effects on brain structure and function, particularly in children. It is related to the theme as the speaker talks about the negative impacts of the high expectations placed on parents and children, such as 'Children who are exposed to chronic stress are prone to mental problems, such as anxiety, depression, and mood disorders later in life, as well as learning difficulties.'
💡Kindness
Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. In the context of the video, kindness is presented as a fundamental aspect of parenting that fosters a positive and loving environment for children. The speaker contrasts kindness with criticism and hostility, emphasizing its importance in creating lasting, positive memories. An example is when the speaker reflects on her father's kindness during a skiing incident, 'He could have made me. He could have shamed me. And yet, he chose to be kind, and that's what I remember to this day.'
💡Zone of Proximal Development
The Zone of Proximal Development is a concept in educational psychology introduced by Lev Vygotsky, which refers to the difference between what a child can do independently and what a child can do with guidance or collaboration. The video uses this concept to discuss optimal learning conditions for children, where tasks are challenging but achievable, fostering growth and development. The speaker says, 'Children learn best, when they are in the zone where tasks are not too easy and not too hard, where the goals are achievable with grit, determination, and passion.'
💡Neuroscience
Neuroscience is the scientific study of the nervous system and brain functions. The video references neuroscience to explain the impact of stress on children's brains and to emphasize the importance of a balanced approach to learning and parenting. It is used to support the argument that chronic stress can lead to mental health issues, as stated, 'Neuroscientists have also found that chronic stress, triggers long-term changes in brain structure and function.'
💡Memory
Memory refers to the faculty by which the mind stores and remembers information. The video highlights the importance of creating positive and loving memories in childhood, which can have a lasting impact on a person's life. The speaker uses personal anecdotes to illustrate how memories of kindness and support from parents can be a source of motivation and strength. For instance, the memory of skiing down the mountain with her father is a cherished memory that motivates her to be kind.
💡Curiosity
Curiosity is the desire to learn or know more about something or someone. The video touches on the innate curiosity of children and how it should be nurtured rather than stifled by stress and high expectations. The speaker uses the example of a one-year-old learning to walk, 'Have you ever seen a one-year-old, who gives up on walking? No, they get up as many times as needed, no matter how many times they fall.'
💡Failure
Failure is the inability to achieve a goal or the falling short of an expectation. In the video, failure is discussed in the context of societal and parental expectations, and how these perceptions can impact children's attitudes towards learning and growth. The speaker challenges the audience to reconsider what failure means, especially when applied to young children, 'But we impose our understanding of failure of mid-20s, 30s, 40s, whatever, to our five-year-olds.'
💡Values
Values are the principles or standards of behavior transmitted through teaching or example. The video emphasizes teaching values as a crucial part of parenting, suggesting that imparting moral and ethical principles is more important than academic achievement. The speaker encourages parents to 'teach values' and to express love and kindness as part of creating lasting memories and shaping a child's character.
Highlights

Every person present has experienced parenting as a child.

Some attendees are parents themselves, like the speaker with four children.

Expectations in life, work, and parenting are common to all humans.

The speaker has an extensive background in education and parenting.

Expectations are often unconsciously transferred to children.

Acceptance of a child's individuality requires courage and peace.

The speaker admits to moments of parental disappointment and anger.

Chronic stress in children can lead to mental health issues and learning difficulties.

Lev Vygotsky's zone of proximal development is key to effective learning.

Parenting should be founded on kindness and generosity, not criticism.

Children are born curious and creative, not giving up easily.

Our understanding of failure should not be imposed on children.

Parenting is about creating loving memories, not waiting for perfect moments.

Parenting involves spontaneous and unexpected moments of joy.

Small changes in parenting, like cooking one meal for the family, can make a big difference.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of kindness in everyday parenting.

Parenting is a journey that starts with small steps, similar to running a marathon.

Creating memories with children is the most valuable aspect of parenting.

Transcripts

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ParentingFamilyExpectationsKindnessMemoriesChild DevelopmentStress ManagementEducationWork-Life BalanceParenting Tips