Why Won’t He Apologize? | Harriet Lerner | TEDxKC

TEDx Talks
21 Oct 201613:02
EducationalLearning
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TLDRThe script narrates a personal story about the importance of apologies and effective communication in relationships. It starts with a humorous anecdote about overbuying bananas, leading to a deeper discussion on the impact of unaddressed hurtful interactions. The story of Margo, a young woman with bipolar disorder, illustrates the power of seeking genuine apologies and the courage to express feelings with dignity. The narrator emphasizes the need for self-worth in offering heartfelt apologies and suggests focusing on one's feelings, being concise, and listening empathetically to foster better relationships.

Takeaways
  • 🍌 Communication and expectations: The script starts with a humorous story about a disagreement over buying too many ripe bananas, highlighting the importance of communication and managing expectations in a relationship.
  • 🤔 Defensiveness in conflict: When one person is defensive, it can escalate the situation and prevent productive conversation, as seen in the interaction between the speaker and her husband Steve.
  • 💔 Emotional impact: The story of Margo shows how the lack of a genuine apology after a suicide attempt can deeply affect a person's emotional state and recovery.
  • 👨‍🏫 The role of mentors: Margo's favorite teacher's insensitive comments demonstrate the significant impact mentors and authority figures can have on an individual's self-perception and mental health.
  • 📝 The power of written words: Margo's decision to write a letter to her teacher, although not sent, shows the power of articulating one's feelings and thoughts in written form.
  • 🌟 Courage in vulnerability: Margo's bravery in expressing her feelings to her teacher, despite the risk of further rejection, exemplifies the strength it takes to be vulnerable and honest.
  • 🔑 Apology's significance: The script emphasizes the importance of a genuine apology in healing and strengthening relationships, as well as personal growth.
  • 🛡️ Defensiveness as a barrier: The need to let go of defensiveness when receiving criticism or an apology, as it can prevent true understanding and reconciliation.
  • 🗣️ Listening to understand: The importance of listening to the hurt party's feelings and pain, even if one might disagree with the intensity of their emotions.
  • 💌 The art of apology: The script suggests focusing on one's feelings and keeping the message short and sincere when seeking or giving an apology for effective communication.
Q & A

  • What was the initial conflict between the speaker and her husband Steve about?

    -The initial conflict was about Steve buying five ripe bananas, which the speaker felt was excessive and wasteful considering they were only two people in the house and they didn't consume bananas quickly.

  • Why did the speaker feel the need to demand an apology from Steve?

    -The speaker felt the need to demand an apology because she was already in a bad mood and had a low self-esteem day. She also believed they had discussed the issue of buying too many bananas before.

  • How did Steve react when the speaker confronted him about the bananas?

    -Steve reacted defensively, stating that he didn't want to hear about it and suggested that the speaker could do the shopping herself if she was going to criticize how he did it.

  • What is Margo's story and how does it relate to the theme of apologies?

    -Margo is a young woman who struggled with depression and had a suicide attempt. After her attempt, her favorite teacher expressed disappointment in her actions, which deeply hurt Margo. This story relates to the theme of apologies as Margo sought a genuine apology from her teacher for his hurtful words.

  • What was Margo's initial response to her teacher's hurtful words?

    -Margo's initial response was to write a very angry letter to her teacher, summarizing research on depression and suggesting reading materials for him to educate himself on suicide and self-harm.

  • Why did the speaker advise Margo against sending the angry letter?

    -The speaker advised Margo against sending the angry letter because people tend to shut down and take in very little information when they are defensive, and a lengthy letter could protect them from truly hearing the message.

  • What did Margo ultimately decide to do instead of sending the angry letter?

    -Instead of sending the angry letter, Margo decided to send a handwritten note that was only six sentences long, focusing on her feelings and the impact of the teacher's words on her.

  • What was the outcome of Margo's six-sentence note to her teacher?

    -The teacher responded to Margo's note with a heartfelt, authentic, and genuine apology, acknowledging his mistake and the hurt he caused.

  • According to the speaker, what are the key elements for a successful apology?

    -The key elements for a successful apology include dropping defensiveness, listening carefully to the hurt party's anger and pain, and offering an apology for the aspects that one can genuinely agree with.

  • What advice does the speaker give for those seeking an apology?

    -The speaker advises those seeking an apology to focus on how they feel, not on the other person's wrongdoings, and to keep their communication short and to the point to avoid overwhelming the other person.

  • How does the speaker conclude the story about her conflict with Steve over the bananas?

    -The speaker concludes by apologizing to Steve for overreacting to the five ripe bananas and humorously asks him not to do it again, demonstrating the application of the advice she provided.

Outlines
00:00
🍌 The Misunderstanding Over Bananas

The first paragraph narrates a personal anecdote about a disagreement over grocery shopping, specifically the purchase of five ripe bananas by the narrator's husband, Steve. The narrator, already in a bad mood, expected an apology for what she perceived as an unnecessary purchase given their consumption habits. When Steve didn't apologize, she confronted him aggressively, leading to a defensive response and further conflict. The paragraph highlights the importance of communication and understanding in relationships, even over seemingly trivial matters like banana shopping.

05:00
💔 Margo's Struggle and the Search for an Apology

The second paragraph introduces Margo, a high school senior with a talent for empathy and connection, who later experiences a deep depression and is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. After a suicide attempt during her freshman year of college, Margo seeks support from a favorite teacher, only to be met with disappointment and a lack of understanding regarding her mental health. Margo's response is to write an angry letter to her teacher, expressing her need for a genuine apology and a better understanding of her condition. The paragraph explores the impact of unempathetic responses and the importance of seeking validation and understanding in the face of mental health struggles.

10:02
🗣️ The Art of Apologizing and Accepting Apologies

The third paragraph delves into the complexities of apologies, both giving and receiving. It discusses the need for a strong sense of self-worth to genuinely apologize, as it requires acknowledging one's mistakes without feeling overwhelmed by guilt or shame. The paragraph also provides advice for those seeking an apology, suggesting that they should focus on their feelings and keep their communication concise to avoid provoking defensiveness. It concludes with a hypothetical apology from Steve about the banana incident, illustrating the potential for reconciliation and growth in relationships when apologies are handled with care and understanding.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Apology
An apology is a formal expression of regret or remorse for a mistake or wrongdoing. In the video's theme, it is a central concept as it discusses the importance of receiving and giving genuine apologies in maintaining healthy relationships. The script provides examples such as the speaker's demand for an apology over the purchase of too many bananas and Margo's quest for a meaningful apology from her teacher after a suicide attempt.
💡Defensive
To be defensive means to adopt an attitude of protection against criticism or attack. In the context of the video, it is used to describe the reaction of the speaker's husband and Margo's teacher when confronted with criticism. The video suggests that a defensive attitude can hinder the process of receiving or giving a meaningful apology.
💡Self-esteem
Self-esteem refers to the value or worth that an individual places on themselves. The script mentions the speaker's low self-esteem day as a contributing factor to her reaction to the banana incident, indicating how one's self-worth can influence their interactions and responses to perceived slights or disagreements.
💡Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Margo is described as having a 'huge gift for empathy and connection,' highlighting her capacity to relate to others on a deeper emotional level. This trait is significant as it underscores her sensitivity and the impact that the teacher's words had on her.
💡Depression
Depression is a mental health disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. Margo's struggle with depression and her eventual bipolar disorder diagnosis are central to the narrative, illustrating the serious implications of the teacher's insensitive comments and the importance of understanding mental health issues.
💡Constructive criticism
Constructive criticism is feedback intended to help someone improve by pointing out potential areas for development. The speaker mentions her 'constructive criticisms and helpful little suggestions' as a way to describe her communication style, but the video suggests that this approach can sometimes come across as harsh or unappreciated.
💡Vulnerability
Vulnerability refers to a state of being exposed to the possibility of being hurt or attacked, either physically or emotionally. Margo's vulnerability is highlighted by her depression and suicide attempt, and the video uses her story to discuss the importance of being sensitive and understanding when someone is in a vulnerable state.
💡Authenticity
Authenticity is the quality of being genuine, original, and not copied or imitated. The video emphasizes the importance of an authentic apology, as seen when Margo's teacher eventually provides one. Authenticity in this context means the apology is heartfelt and acknowledges the true impact of the teacher's previous comments.
💡Courage
Courage is the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery. Margo demonstrates courage when she writes a note to her teacher expressing her feelings, despite the risk of further rejection or misunderstanding. Her action is presented as a brave step towards seeking a meaningful apology and healing.
💡Self-worth
Self-worth is the value or esteem that a person holds for themselves. The video discusses how a person's self-worth can affect their ability to apologize or accept an apology. It suggests that individuals with a sturdy platform of self-worth are better equipped to recognize their mistakes and offer genuine apologies.
💡Relationships
Relationships refer to the way in which two or more people or organizations are connected. The script explores how apologies, or the lack thereof, can impact the foundation of relationships. It emphasizes the importance of effective communication and empathy in maintaining and strengthening these connections.
Highlights

The narrator discusses the frustration of feeling right about something but not being understood by others.

An example is given about the narrator's husband buying too many ripe bananas, leading to a confrontation.

The importance of apologies in relationships and how a lack of them can damage the foundation of a relationship is highlighted.

Introduction of Margo, a high school senior who later experiences a mental health crisis.

Margo's diagnosis with bipolar disorder and her suicide attempt during college.

Margo's visit to her favorite teacher after a difficult year, expecting support and understanding.

The teacher's disappointing reaction to Margo's suicide attempt, causing further emotional distress.

Margo's plan to write an angry letter to her teacher, summarizing research on depression and suggesting reading materials.

The narrator advises against sending the angry letter, explaining that people on the defensive take in little information.

Margo's decision to send a short, handwritten note expressing her feelings and the impact of the teacher's words.

The importance of courage in expressing feelings and not accepting less than a genuine apology.

The teacher's response to Margo's note, offering a heartfelt and genuine apology.

The narrator explains that the likelihood of receiving an apology decreases with the severity of the harm caused.

The necessity for a strong sense of self-worth to be able to give a genuine apology.

Guidelines for seeking an apology: focus on feelings, not accusations, and keep it short.

Guidelines for giving an apology: drop defensiveness, listen to the hurt party, and apologize sincerely.

The narrator apologizes to her husband for overreacting about the bananas and acknowledges the importance of not repeating the mistake.

Transcripts

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