The 17 Secrets to a Successful Relationship

The School of Life
2 Aug 202303:38
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThis script offers a candid and unconventional guide to building a strong relationship. It emphasizes the importance of gratitude, compatibility, and acknowledging personal flaws. It suggests frequent apologies, embracing vulnerability, and managing expectations to foster a healthy, enduring bond. It also touches on the challenges of parenthood, the need for self-acceptance, and the value of seeking professional help when necessary.

Takeaways
  • 😊 Pick a partner who makes you feel grateful for their attention, believing you are the lucky one.
  • 🔥 Ensure mutual attraction and compatible sexual interests, embracing individuality in bed.
  • 🧠 Acknowledge both partners' emotional complexities and past influences from the beginning.
  • 🙏 Make apologies frequent and easy to offer, reducing the cost of admitting mistakes.
  • 🤣 Remove pride and embrace being human, often making jokes about your own foolishness.
  • 😡 Regularly discuss disappointments and accept occasional anger as a natural part of the relationship.
  • 🗣️ Avoid labeling each other negatively; instead, express feelings about behaviors constructively.
  • 😟 Identify fear underlying anger and express it gently rather than acting on anger.
  • 🔍 Lower expectations of perfection and accept that frustrations and conflicts will occur.
  • ❤️ Recognize that having crushes on others is natural and, if appropriate, share them with your partner.
Q & A

  • What is the first piece of advice given for establishing a good relationship in the script?

    -Feel profoundly grateful for your partner, starting from a sense that you are the lucky one and that they are superior.

  • Why is it suggested to check for compatible areas of perversion in a relationship?

    -It is suggested to ensure that both partners have compatible areas of perversion to maintain a strong and healthy connection, even if it includes a little interest in bed.

  • What does the script mean by admitting you are 'mad' from an early stage in a relationship?

    -It means acknowledging that both partners are heavily distorted by their pasts, unable to fully understand themselves, prone to irrational assumptions, and unsteady in their assessments of reality.

  • Why is making apologies a regular occurrence considered important in the script?

    -Making apologies frequently reduces the price of an admission almost to zero, which helps in maintaining a healthy and forgiving relationship.

  • How does the script suggest dealing with pride in a relationship?

    -The script suggests removing all pride from your character, accepting that you have been, are, and will be an idiot, and making jokes about it.

  • What is the importance of exploring disappointments in a relationship according to the script?

    -Exploring disappointments allows both partners to sometimes hate each other without fear, as stifled emotions are the enemy of love, not maturely explored authenticity.

  • Why should one avoid describing their partner categorically with an insulting trait?

    -It is advised to only express feelings by saying 'I feel you are this or that' to observe the difference and avoid making definitive negative judgments.

  • How does the script suggest dealing with fear in the context of anger?

    -The script suggests getting good at sensing the fear beneath angry moods and expressing the fear gently rather than acting out the anger.

  • What is the script's advice on expectations of perfection in a relationship?

    -The script advises reducing expectations of perfection, allowing for major frustrations, and accepting that the relationship will have difficult times.

  • How should one handle having crushes on others while in a relationship, according to the script?

    -The script suggests accepting that crushes will happen, letting them wash over you, and if the mood is right, sharing them with your partner.

  • What is the script's perspective on the impact of having children on love in a relationship?

    -The script acknowledges that love will suffer hugely if there are children and suggests looking forward to properly picking up the relationship again in 15 years.

  • Why is it important to have no embarrassment about being 'needy' in a relationship?

    -It is important to accept the child within you and look after their needs in the relationship without embarrassment, fostering a deeper connection.

  • What role does attachment theory play in the script's advice for a relationship?

    -Attachment theory is suggested to be read up on and kept close at hand to understand and navigate the dynamics of attachment in a relationship.

  • How does the script suggest dealing with defensiveness and pride in a relationship?

    -The script advises to stop being defensive, stop needing to maintain a proud hold on your own dignity, and to laugh continually at your foolishness.

  • What is the script's stance on expecting a partner to save you from your own disturbances?

    -The script advises to accept that a partner cannot save you from your own disturbances and to try to be happy in yourself without redirecting blame.

  • Why does the script mention the importance of not expecting everything from love?

    -It is important because expecting everything from love can lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment; love should be one part of a fulfilling life.

  • What is the script's advice on the readiness to leave a relationship?

    -The script advises to be very prepared, though reluctant, to leave a relationship, and to remain in it out of choice, never out of desperation.

Outlines
00:00
💑 Building a Good Relationship: A Checklist

This paragraph outlines a comprehensive checklist for cultivating a strong and healthy relationship. It emphasizes the importance of feeling grateful for one's partner, maintaining mutual attraction, acknowledging personal flaws and irrational tendencies, and the necessity of frequent apologies to reduce tension. It also suggests removing pride, exploring disappointments, avoiding categorical descriptions of one another, recognizing and expressing fears, accepting imperfections, and dealing with crushes on others. The paragraph advises preparing for the challenges of parenthood, embracing vulnerability, understanding attachment theory, and maintaining self-worth without blaming the partner for personal issues. It concludes with the advice to not rely solely on love for happiness and to be prepared to leave if necessary.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Gratitude
Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation or thanks for something or someone. In the context of the video, it is suggested as a foundational emotion in a relationship, where one should feel profoundly grateful that their partner has chosen to be with them. This sets the tone for a relationship built on appreciation rather than entitlement, as seen in the script's first point.
💡Compatibility
Compatibility refers to the state of being suitable or able to exist together harmoniously. The script emphasizes the importance of having compatible areas of interest, including 'perversion,' which likely refers to unique or unconventional preferences. This compatibility is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship, as it allows partners to understand and accept each other's quirks.
💡Vulnerability
Vulnerability is the quality of being open and honest about one's feelings, flaws, and insecurities. The video encourages admitting to being 'mad' or heavily distorted by one's past, which is a call for vulnerability. It suggests that acknowledging one's irrational assumptions and emotional instability is a key part of building a strong relationship.
💡Apology
An apology is a formal expression of regret or remorse for a mistake or wrongdoing. The script highlights making apologies a regular occurrence, suggesting that it should be easy to admit when one is wrong. This practice reduces the emotional cost of admitting faults and fosters a culture of understanding and forgiveness within the relationship.
💡Pride
Pride is a feeling of satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions. The script advises removing pride from one's character, suggesting that recognizing one's own foolishness and imperfections can be a healthy approach to a relationship. It implies that humility and a sense of humor about oneself can prevent pride from causing unnecessary conflict.
💡Disappointment
Disappointment is the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations. The video encourages partners to regularly explore how they have disappointed each other, indicating that open communication about unmet expectations can prevent resentment from building up and is healthier than suppressing emotions.
💡Authenticity
Authenticity is the quality of being genuine, original, and not copied or imitative. The script warns against stifling emotions and instead promotes the exploration of authentic feelings. It suggests that expressing true emotions, even negative ones like anger, is healthier and more loving than repressing them.
💡Expectations
Expectations are beliefs about what will happen or what is typically the case. The video script advises reducing expectations of perfection in a relationship, acknowledging that there will be difficult times. This concept is about managing one's hopes and accepting that relationships, like life, have their ups and downs.
💡Crushes
A crush is a strong but temporary feeling of liking someone romantically. The script suggests accepting that one may develop crushes on others, even while in a relationship, and that these feelings are natural and can pass. It also proposes sharing these feelings with one's partner under the right circumstances, indicating a level of trust and openness.
💡Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is a psychological model that describes the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships. The script recommends reading up about this theory and keeping its concepts in mind, implying that understanding the nature of attachments can inform and improve relationship dynamics.
💡Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a behavior or attitude adopted to protect oneself from criticism or blame. The video encourages stopping being defensive and maintaining one's dignity, suggesting that a willingness to be self-critical and to laugh at one's own foolishness can lead to personal growth and a healthier relationship.
💡Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is the psychological process of embracing oneself positively, despite one's imperfections. The script advises accepting that one's partner cannot save them from their own disturbances and that happiness should come from within. This implies that self-acceptance is crucial for a healthy relationship, as it prevents projecting one's insecurities onto the partner.
💡Neediness
Neediness is the state of being overly dependent on someone for emotional support or approval. The video encourages becoming a person who is not embarrassed about being 'needy,' suggesting that acknowledging and addressing one's own emotional needs within the relationship is important for mutual support and understanding.
💡Independence
Independence is the state of being self-reliant or not depending on others for happiness or approval. The script advises being prepared to leave a relationship out of choice, not desperation, indicating that maintaining a sense of independence and self-worth is essential for a healthy and balanced partnership.
Highlights

A good relationship starts with a sense of profound gratitude and recognizing the other as superior.

Sexual compatibility and a mutual understanding of 'perversion' are important in a relationship.

Both partners should admit their 'madness' and irrational tendencies early in the relationship.

Frequent apologies can reduce the significance of an admission and foster a more forgiving environment.

Removing pride from one's character is key to a healthy relationship dynamic.

Regularly discussing disappointments can prevent the buildup of stifled emotions.

Avoid labeling; instead, express feelings as personal perceptions to foster understanding.

Identifying and expressing underlying fears can prevent acting out anger.

Accepting imperfection and allowing for frustrations is crucial for a realistic view of a relationship.

Crushes on others are natural and can be shared with a partner without harm.

The presence of children can significantly impact the dynamics of love in a relationship.

Embracing one's 'neediness' and taking care of the inner child is healthy.

Understanding attachment theory can provide valuable insights for maintaining a relationship.

Letting go of defensiveness and pride can lead to a more open and humorous relationship.

Accepting that a partner cannot solve personal disturbances is important for individual growth.

Love should not be expected to fulfill all needs; self-happiness is essential.

Being prepared to leave a relationship if necessary shows strength and a healthy commitment.

Transcripts

Browse More Related Video

Why Won’t He Apologize? | Harriet Lerner | TEDxKC

Wellbeing For Children: Identity And Values

How to Make Them CHASE YOU Without “Playing It Cool”

How To Talk About Death and The Power of Pain with Leading Psychotherapist Julia Samuel

20 Stoic Tips for Dealing with DISRESPECT.

Wellcast - Ways to Stop Bullying

Rate This

5.0 / 5 (0 votes)

Thanks for rating:

Related Tags
Relationship AdviceEmotional HealthCommunication SkillsSelf-AwarenessConflict ResolutionAttachment TheoryPersonal GrowthFamily DynamicsLove DynamicsSelf-ImprovementEmotional Intelligence