How to have better sex | Esther Perel, Emily Nagoski & more
TLDRThe video script delves into the complexities of sexual desire within the context of long-term relationships. It challenges the notion that desire is purely about sexual performance and instead emphasizes the importance of understanding the nature of erotic desire. The speaker argues that desire is not just a spontaneous urge but can also be responsive, emerging from the anticipation and experience of pleasure. They highlight the role of creativity and imagination in enhancing sexual experiences and suggest that modern society has overly narrowed the concept of eroticism. The script also addresses the issue of desire differential in couples and offers insights into how to navigate conversations about sex within a relationship, advocating for a positive and exploratory approach to deepen erotic connections.
Takeaways
- 🚫 Society's misconceptions about desire and its nature are leading to struggles with sexual intimacy.
- 🌟 The essence of sex is not about statistics or performance, but about the meaning and connection it fosters.
- 💔 Good emotional intimacy doesn't always translate to a satisfying sexual relationship.
- 🔒 Marriages lacking in lust can feel like a form of 'external incarceration', lacking the deep desire that brings two people together.
- 💔 The idea that lust turns into love over time in a relationship is a 'defeatist approach' that should be challenged.
- 💡 Sustaining a strong sexual connection involves creating a context for mutual pleasure, not just physical attraction.
- 🧠 The 'primary process emotions' such as lust, curiosity, and exploration are integral to our sexual desires.
- 🌐 Our erotic imagination and creativity play a significant role in our sexual experiences, transforming basic instincts into a personalized, imaginative experience.
- 🚫 Fear and anxiety can significantly hinder sexual desire, placing individuals in a mental state far from the 'lust space'.
- 🌟 The quality of eroticism is about renewal, playfulness, aliveness, and curiosity, which are often missing in couples' sex lives.
- 💬 Open communication about sex with a partner is crucial, despite the discomfort it may initially cause.
- 📈 Understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire can help resolve sexual desire issues in relationships.
- 🚀 Cultivating an erotic mindset that focuses on pleasure and connection, rather than mere physical act, can enhance the sexual experience.
- 🤝 Positive reinforcement and creating a safe context for discussing sexual preferences and desires are key to improving sexual relationships.
Q & A
Why might people be having less sex despite the sexual revolution?
-People may struggle with sexual desire because there are misconceptions about what desire is and how it works. It's not solely about statistics and performance but also about the meaning of sex and the individualistic culture of wanting and having one's desires met.
What is the role of 'desire' in the context of committed relationships?
-Desire is about owning the wanting, which is a significant part of an individualistic culture. It has shifted from being solely about procreation and marital duty to being anchored in the concept of desire, where both partners feel a deep longing for each other.
Why might good intimacy not always lead to a sexual connection?
-Good intimacy doesn't always beget sexuality because sexual desire is complex and can be influenced by various factors, including emotional closeness, individual desires, and the presence of erotic elements in a relationship.
What does the speaker mean when they say a marriage without lust can feel like a prison?
-The speaker suggests that without strong desire or lust, a marriage may feel like an external incarceration where individuals stay for reasons other than a deep, passionate want for each other, such as comfort, obligation, or lack of other options.
How does the speaker view the transition from lust to love in a marriage?
-The speaker argues against the idea that there's a necessary transition from lust to love in marriage. They believe that passion need not be lost and that it's a defeatist approach to view marriage as a shift from intense desire to a more commercial partnership.
What is the role of the erotic mind in sustaining a sexual connection?
-The erotic mind is crucial in navigating emotions and creating a context that allows both partners to access pleasure. It involves understanding and cultivating desire, creativity, and the ability to imagine and anticipate pleasurable experiences.
How does creativity play a role in erotic life?
-Creativity is essential in erotic life as it allows individuals to go beyond boundaries, connect dots in non-linear ways, and create new realities. It is central to the erotic act, enabling people to envision and anticipate pleasurable experiences.
What is the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire?
-Spontaneous desire is a sudden, unprompted urge for sex, while responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, such as skin-to-skin contact or a sensual atmosphere. Responsive desire requires a context that facilitates the emergence of sexual feelings.
Why is communication important when exploring erotic ideas with a partner?
-Communication is vital for understanding each other's desires, boundaries, and preferences. It helps create a safe context for discussing sex, fostering a deeper erotic connection, and resolving any sexual desire problems.
What is the primary reason couples seek sex therapy, according to the speaker?
-The primary reason couples seek sex therapy is desire differential, where one person wants to have sex more than the other. This issue can be influenced by various factors, including individual levels of spontaneous or responsive desire.
How should one approach talking to their partner about sex?
-One should approach the conversation with positivity, focusing on praise and what is working well. It's essential to create a safe and non-critical context, expressing interest in deepening the erotic connection and understanding what works for both partners.
What is the significance of the erotic in the broader context of life and spirituality?
-The erotic is significant as it represents a radiant, unproductive state that allows individuals to feel good for its own sake. It's a space for renewal, playfulness, aliveness, and connection with deeper aspects of life, mystery, and spirituality.
Outlines
🤔 Understanding the Paradox of Decreased Sexual Desire
This paragraph explores the seeming contradiction that despite the sexual revolution, people are having less sex today. It suggests that the issue lies in a fundamental misunderstanding of desire, emphasizing that it's not about statistics or performance but rather the meaning and context of sex within relationships. The speaker expresses a particular interest in erotic desire in long-term relationships and the shift from a focus on procreation to individual desire. They question why good intimacy doesn't always lead to a sexual connection and argue against the idea that marriages should transition from lust to love, advocating for the importance of maintaining passion and desire in a relationship.
🧐 Navigating Desire and Emotion for a Satisfying Sex Life
The second paragraph delves into the emotional aspects that can either enhance or hinder sexual desire. It explains that being in a state of fear or anxiety is diametrically opposed to a state of lust, making it difficult to become sexually desirous. The speaker encourages moving away from aversive emotional spaces to those that are more aligned with lust. They address the common issue of desire differential in couples, clarifying that it's not just a male issue and that both spontaneous and responsive desires are normal. The paragraph also highlights the importance of creating a context for sexual connection and the role of erotic intelligence in fostering a satisfying sex life.
🗣️ The Importance of Communication in Sexual Relationships
The final paragraph stresses the importance of communication in sexual relationships. It acknowledges that discussing sex with a partner can be awkward and challenging but is ultimately rewarding. The speaker advises starting these conversations with praise and positivity to create a safe context for dialogue. They emphasize the need to discuss one's sexual experiences and desires without criticism, focusing on mutual exploration and enhancement of the erotic connection. The paragraph also humorously notes the awkwardness of discussing such intimate topics in a public or professional setting, as indicated by the movement of the boom mic during the recording.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Sexual Revolution
💡Desire
💡Erotic Desire
💡Lust
💡Intimacy
💡Responsive Desire
💡Emotional Navigation
💡Erotic Mind
💡Creativity
💡Aversive Spaces
💡Erotic Intelligence
💡Desire Differential
💡Communication
Highlights
Three to four decades after the sexual revolution, people are having less sex than ever before.
Desire struggles are attributed to a fundamental misunderstanding of what desire is and how it operates.
The focus should shift from sexual performance statistics to the deeper meaning of sex.
Erotic desire in long-term relationships has evolved from procreation and marital duty to an individualistic culture of 'desire'.
Many couples experience a disconnect between emotional closeness and a lack of sexual intimacy.
Good intimacy does not always lead to sexuality, raising questions about the nature of their connection.
A marriage without strong desire or lust can feel like a form of external incarceration.
Lust should be the primary reason for entering and staying in marriage, according to the speaker.
The transition from lust to love in marriage is seen as a defeatist approach, and passion should not be lost.
Navigating emotions is key to sustaining a strong sexual connection, rather than focusing solely on sex.
Jaak Panksepp's 'primary process emotions' include lust, seeking, and curiosity, which are integral to sexual desire.
Creativity and erotic imagination play a significant role in human sexuality, distinguishing it from animal instinct.
Modernity has narrowed the concept of eroticism, whereas historically it was seen as a life force.
Anxiety and stress can significantly hinder sexual desire, placing one in a 'fear space' opposite to lust.
Couples often seek therapy not for more sex, but for a better quality of sexual connection.
Desire differential is the primary reason couples seek sex therapy, and it's not gender-specific.
Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, as opposed to spontaneous desire which anticipates it.
The erotic is not about performance but about entering a radiant state of interlude for the sake of feeling good.
Open communication about sex with a partner is crucial, despite the discomfort it may initially cause.
When discussing sex, focusing on praise and positivity can create a safe context for conversation.
Transcripts
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