The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED
TLDRThe speaker explores the complex nature of erotic desire and its challenges within modern relationships. They discuss how the quest for both security and adventure in a single partnership can create a paradox, as desire thrives on novelty and mystery, while love often seeks stability. The talk delves into the importance of imagination, self-worth, and the ability to maintain a sense of individuality within a relationship to sustain desire. It also emphasizes the need for erotic intelligence, which includes elements like playfulness, curiosity, and privacy, to keep the spark alive in long-term relationships.
Takeaways
- 🌍 The speaker has observed a crisis of desire in modern love across the globe, particularly in individualistic societies where romanticism has taken hold.
- 💔 Good intimacy does not always equate to good sex, challenging the common belief that love and desire are inherently linked.
- 🔥 Desire is often about the 'forbidden' and the 'transgressive', suggesting that the allure of the unknown and the risky can fuel erotic interest.
- 👶 The arrival of children can paradoxically spell 'erotic disaster' for couples, disrupting the erotic dynamic that existed before.
- ❤️ Love is associated with the verb 'to have', focusing on closeness, security, and minimizing distance, while desire is linked with 'to want', seeking novelty and adventure.
- 🎭 The speaker suggests that desire is about the journey and the space between two people, not just about the physical act of sex.
- 🌟 People are often most drawn to their partners when they see them apart, in their element, or when they are surprised or laughing together, highlighting the importance of independence, passion, and novelty in attraction.
- 🤔 The speaker explores the concept of 'erotic intelligence', which involves cultivating imagination, playfulness, curiosity, and mystery in sexual relationships.
- 💡 Desire requires space and a sense of the 'other', and it thrives when individuals feel alive, vibrant, and connected to their own sense of self-worth and autonomy.
- 👶👧 The dynamics of desire are rooted in early childhood experiences of exploration and security, setting the stage for how adults approach erotic relationships.
- 🌑 The speaker emphasizes that sustaining desire in a long-term relationship requires intentionality, premeditation, and a conscious effort to maintain privacy and erotic space.
Q & A
Why does good sex often fade in long-term relationships, even when love persists?
-Good sex can fade due to the inherent conflict between the fundamental human needs for security and adventure. While security fosters predictability and safety, adventure seeks novelty and risk, which are both essential for maintaining desire.
What does the speaker suggest is the root of the crisis of desire in modern love?
-The crisis of desire is rooted in the difficulty of reconciling the individualistic expression of desire with the needs of a committed relationship, as well as a crisis of imagination in maintaining eroticism within the relationship.
How does the speaker define the difference between love and desire in terms of verbs?
-The speaker defines love with the verb 'to have' and desire with the verb 'to want'. Love is about possessing and minimizing distance, while desire is about wanting and maintaining a sense of otherness and space.
What are the two fundamental human needs that the speaker identifies as central to sustaining desire in a relationship?
-The two fundamental human needs are the need for security, which includes predictability, safety, and reliability, and the need for adventure, which encompasses novelty, mystery, risk, and the unknown.
Why does the speaker say that traditional marriage was a contradiction in terms with passionate love?
-Traditional marriage was primarily an economic institution focused on social status, children, and companionship rather than on individual desires and passions. The concept of a passionate marriage, which includes desire and individuality, is a modern development.
What does the speaker mean when they say that 'we want our partner to give us what once an entire village used to provide'?
-The speaker is referring to the modern expectation that a single partner should fulfill a wide range of needs that were historically met by the community, such as a sense of belonging, identity, continuity, transcendence, and mystery.
How does the speaker describe the relationship between desire and the ability to imagine?
-Desire is closely tied to the ability to imagine and fantasize about one's partner, especially when there is a sense of absence or distance, which allows the imagination to create longing and erotic tension.
What does the speaker suggest is the biggest turn-on across cultures, religions, and genders?
-The biggest turn-on is seeing one's partner engaged in their passion, being confident and radiant, and being admired by others, which adds an element of mystery and allure to the familiar.
How does the speaker define erotic intelligence?
-Erotic intelligence is the cultivation of the erotic life through imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, and mystery. It is a human-specific trait that transforms basic sexuality into a complex interplay of desires and fantasies.
What is the speaker's perspective on the role of responsibility in desire?
-The speaker suggests that responsibility and desire often conflict because desire requires a certain level of selfishness and autonomy, whereas responsibility can lead to worry, protection, and caretaking, which can stifle erotic feelings.
How do erotic couples sustain their passion and desire, according to the speaker?
-Erotic couples sustain their passion by maintaining sexual privacy, understanding that foreplay is ongoing, creating an erotic space free from responsibility, acknowledging the natural ebb and flow of passion, and actively working to resurrect desire when it wanes.
Outlines
💭 Exploring the Mysteries of Erotic Desire
The speaker introduces the complex nature of erotic desire, questioning why good sex often fades even in loving relationships, and the paradox of intimacy not guaranteeing sexual desire. The talk delves into the tension between love and desire, the appeal of the forbidden, and the challenges of sustaining sexual desire within long-term committed relationships. The speaker highlights the need to reconcile our dual desires for security and adventure in a modern context, where romantic relationships demand a wide range of emotional fulfillments.
🌟 The Allure of Imagination in Desire
Desire thrives on imagination and the element of the unknown. The speaker discusses how desire often intensifies when partners are apart or seen in contexts where they appear confident and independent. This dynamic creates a sense of mystery and elusiveness, which fuels erotic attraction. The talk emphasizes the importance of maintaining a balance between familiarity and novelty to keep desire alive, highlighting that desire is less about new techniques and more about perceiving one's partner with fresh eyes.
✨ The Poetics of Sex and Erotic Intelligence
Sex is portrayed as a space for exploration and expression, rather than merely an act. The speaker explores the concept of erotic intelligence, where imagination and playfulness are crucial. The narrative shifts to understanding eroticism through the lens of trauma and survival, contrasting those who merely survive with those who truly live. The speaker reflects on how aliveness and vitality are central to better sex and sustaining desire, suggesting that a key to eroticism is reconnecting with one's sense of aliveness and personal freedom.
🔄 The Dance Between Security and Adventure
The speaker examines the lifelong tension between the need for security and the desire for exploration, using the metaphor of a child exploring the world while feeling safe with a caregiver. This analogy extends to adult relationships, where maintaining erotic desire involves balancing connection with autonomy. The talk outlines practices of 'erotic couples,' who maintain sexual privacy, view foreplay as a continuous process, and understand that desire requires intentional effort. The myth of spontaneous passion is debunked, emphasizing that sustaining desire in long-term relationships requires deliberate actions and mindfulness.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Desire
💡Erotic
💡Imagination
💡Security
💡Novelty
💡Intimacy
💡Adventure
💡Self-sustaining
💡Foreplay
💡Spontaneity
Highlights
The paradox of good intimacy not guaranteeing good sex even in loving relationships.
The million-dollar question of wanting what we already have.
The allure of the forbidden and its impact on erotic desire.
The societal shift from procreation to pleasure and connection in sexual relationships.
The crisis of desire linked to individuality and modern love.
The challenge of sustaining desire in committed relationships.
The reconciliation of security and adventure as fundamental human needs in relationships.
The unrealistic expectations placed on partners in modern relationships.
The existential reality of desire as a crisis of imagination.
The verbs 'to have' associated with love and 'to want' associated with desire.
The importance of space and imagination in maintaining desire.
Moments of being apart or witnessing a partner's passion as key to attraction.
The absence of neediness in desire and its contrast with caretaking.
The concept of erotic intelligence and its cultivation through imagination and novelty.
Eroticism as a human construct transformed by imagination, unlike animalistic sex.
The role of eroticism as an antidote to death and a means of vitality.
The internal factors that cause individuals to turn off their desires.
The contrasting feelings that nurture love but stifle desire, such as jealousy and possessiveness.
The childhood origins of our need for connection and separateness in relationships.
Strategies of erotic couples to maintain sexual privacy and passion.
The understanding that committed sex requires premeditation and intentionality.
Transcripts
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