Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire | Pamela Joy | TEDxPaloAlto

Pam Costa introduces herself and her struggle with sexual desire, suspecting that she is not alone. As a researcher, she hypothesizes that sharing her experiences could help others feel less isolated and potentially empower them to address their own issues. Pam recounts her upbringing in the Midwest, her shy and awkward childhood, and her first sexual experience in college. Despite an initial abstinence pledge, she becomes sexually active with her boyfriend, who later becomes her husband. Over the years, she notices a recurring issue with her husband expressing dissatisfaction with the frequency of their sexual encounters. As engineers, they attempt various solutions to address the issue, but nothing seems to provide a long-term fix. Pam's life as a busy professional with kids further pushes sex to the bottom of her priorities, leading to a more serious conversation with her husband about their sexual relationship.

Feeling that their 'fairy tale' is crumbling, Pam decides to seek medical help for her low sexual desire. Her gynecologist dismisses her concerns as common among women but refers her to a personal therapist. Pam faces the frustrating reality that many sex therapists are fully booked. Eventually, she contacts a sex and relationship coach, who begins their sessions by asking about Pam's early messages about sex. Pam recalls a childhood experience of discovering physical pleasure but realizes that this was the last positive message she received about sex. Subsequent experiences, such as witnessing a man touching himself in public and receiving a sex education that portrayed sex as dirty and dangerous, contributed to a negative view of sex. Her coach helps Pam understand that these messages could be the reason for her lack of desire, leading to a profound realization and relief for Pam, who had felt broken and abnormal for her lack of sexual interest.

Pam's journey leads her to reconnect with her body and pleasure, realizing that her pathway to desire and arousal is different from her husband's. She finds this discovery exciting and decides to share her story with other women, despite her fears. Her friends respond with similar experiences, and one suggests they meet to discuss their sexual experiences. This leads to the formation of a monthly support group where they discuss various topics related to sex without restrictions. Pam observes that these discussions lead to positive changes in the women's sex lives and relationships. Motivated by this, Pam attends conferences and learns about the prevalence of sexual dysfunction among women and the limited effective treatments available. Inspired, she decides to leave her job as a data scientist to research the impact of peer support groups on female sexual health. Her research shows significant improvements in sexual function and decreases in distress about sexuality among the women who participated in these groups. The qualitative findings reveal that sharing experiences normalizes the women's personal experiences, inspires and empowers them to explore their sexuality further, and even enables them to communicate more effectively with their partners and children about sex.