Unmasking the abuser | Dina McMillan | TEDxCanberra

TEDx Talks
11 Mar 201619:32
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThe speaker, a social psychologist with 20 years of experience in domestic violence, shares a breakthrough in understanding abusive relationships. They reveal that these relationships are not just the result of unfortunate circumstances but are often the result of deliberate tactics used by abusers to gain control. The speaker explains that by identifying early warning signs and patterns of behavior, it's possible to prevent many instances of domestic violence. They emphasize the importance of educating young women and girls on recognizing these signs to avoid becoming trapped in abusive relationships. The talk also includes insights from interviews with over 630 abusers, highlighting their manipulative tactics and the psychological underpinnings of their behavior. The speaker calls for action, urging individuals and institutions to educate themselves on these tactics to empower and protect women from the cycle of abuse.

Takeaways
  • 🔍 The speaker has extensive experience in the field of domestic violence and has conducted in-depth interviews with both victims and abusers, providing unique insights into abusive dynamics.
  • 🔄 The feeling of being stuck in a cycle without progress led to a breakthrough realization that most domestic violence could be prevented by recognizing patterns in abusive relationships.
  • 🚫 Abusive relationships are different from the start, with identifiable early warning signs that can be learned in a short time frame.
  • 🌟 The World Health Organization's statistics highlight the alarming prevalence of abuse worldwide, emphasizing the urgency of finding solutions.
  • 🧐 Coercive control is a form of abuse that can be as damaging as physical violence, involving the manipulation and control of every aspect of a person's life.
  • 🔑 The speaker's 'aha moment' involved understanding the tactics used by abusers, which are consistent, universal, and recognizable across different relationships.
  • 🚫 Abusers are not just angry individuals; many appear normal and charming until they reveal their true nature and deep-seated psychological issues.
  • 🤔 Abusers often feel entitled to a one-sided relationship where they maintain absolute control and view their partners as objects they own.
  • 📈 The speaker's program, 'Unmasking the Abuser,' aims to expose the tactics used by abusers, which include psychological manipulation and grooming.
  • 🚨 The push-pull tactic of alternating between kindness and cruelty is a powerful method used by abusers to create a strong, albeit unhealthy, bond with their victims.
  • 💪 Knowledge of these tactics is crucial for empowerment and protection, and should be taught to every teen girl and woman, as well as to social educators and law enforcement.
Q & A

  • What was the speaker's profession and how long had they been working in their field?

    -The speaker has been working in the field of domestic violence for twenty years.

  • Why did the speaker consider quitting their job in 2006?

    -The speaker felt like they were on a 'hamster wheel,' making no real progress despite their dedication to the challenging field.

  • What is the speaker's academic background that influenced their perspective on domestic violence?

    -The speaker is a social psychologist, which allowed them to study influence, interaction, and methods of persuasion, manipulation, and coercion.

  • How many victims and abusers had the speaker interviewed by 2006?

    -The speaker had interviewed more than 2,500 victims and over 630 abusers by 2006.

  • What is the speaker's main discovery regarding domestic violence?

    -The speaker discovered that most domestic violence is preventable because most abusive relationships are avoidable, and they are different even at the very beginning.

  • What is the World Health Organization's estimate of the risk for women worldwide experiencing physical or sexual assault?

    -The World Health Organization estimates the risk at one in three, which translates to 1.16 billion girls and women.

  • What is coercive control, and how does it relate to abusive relationships?

    -Coercive control is a suffocating system where someone controls every aspect of another person's life. It is a foundational element of all abusive relationships and can ruin a person's life without any physical violence.

  • What is the speaker's new approach to addressing domestic violence?

    -The speaker's new approach focuses on prevention rather than just response, providing tools directly to those at higher risk, such as teen girls and women.

  • What percentage of abusive men does the speaker estimate are in mainstream culture?

    -The speaker estimates that around 10% of men in mainstream culture are abusive.

  • What are the common tactics used by abusers at the start of a new relationship, known as 'grooming'?

    -Grooming tactics include saying and doing things to quickly gain trust, intensify emotional attachment, and increase control over the victim, which are part of psychological manipulation techniques.

  • What is the 'push-pull' technique described by the speaker?

    -The 'push-pull' technique involves a combination of nice and nasty behavior, where the abuser alternates between making the victim feel special and then criticizing or belittling them, creating a strong, albeit unhealthy, bond.

  • What advice does the speaker give to women who are aware of the warning signs of an abusive relationship?

    -The speaker advises women to build their confidence, stand up to the pressure, and remember that the abuser is ultimately trying to ruin their life. They also emphasize the importance of knowledge and understanding of abusers' tactics.

Outlines
00:00
🤔 Personal Struggle and Eureka Moment in Domestic Violence Work

The speaker, a social psychologist with 20 years of experience in domestic violence, almost quit due to a feeling of stagnation. However, a moment of clarity led to a significant discovery. Unlike most in the field, the speaker has conducted in-depth interviews with both victims and perpetrators, gaining unique insights. The speaker's solution-focused mindset and background in social psychology, which studies influence and interaction, allowed for the realization that most domestic violence is preventable and identifiable at its onset. The speaker emphasizes the importance of early warning signs and the potential for education to prevent abuse.

05:01
🔄 Challenging the Domestic Violence Paradigm

The speaker introduces a new approach to domestic violence, focusing on prevention rather than response. The speaker's 'aha' moment was recognizing a pattern in the tactics used by abusers across relationships. Abusers are not just angry men; they are manipulative and strategically form relationships to gain control. The speaker clarifies that not all men are abusers, estimating about 10% of men in mainstream culture are abusive. The speaker's program 'Unmasking the Abuser' is based on confidential interviews with abusers, revealing their true thoughts and feelings without fear of punishment. Abusers are described as feeling entitled to control and not experiencing guilt, viewing their partners as objects. The speaker also discusses the tactics used by abusers to maintain relationships and avoid being single.

10:03
🚫 Abusers' Manipulative Tactics: Grooming and Control

The speaker delves into the manipulative tactics known as 'grooming' used by abusers at the beginning of relationships. These tactics are designed to quickly gain trust and control. Psychological manipulation is a powerful technique that can influence a person's thoughts, feelings, and actions, often without their conscious awareness. Abusers gain authority by making decisions and seeking agreement, leading to obedience. The speaker describes the 'push-pull' tactic, where abusers alternate between kindness and cruelty to strengthen their control. The speaker provides a shortcut for recognizing abusers: looking for behaviors that are 'too much,' happening 'too soon,' and aimed at 'transforming' the victim.

15:05
💪 Empowerment and Action Against Abusive Relationships

The speaker outlines further manipulative tactics such as creating a false sense of intimacy, demanding secrecy, and isolating the victim from others. The speaker emphasizes the need for action, urging individuals to use the knowledge of abusers' tactics to protect themselves. The speaker acknowledges the difficulty of saying no to abusers and the pressure victims face from friends, family, and the abusers themselves. The speaker calls for strength and confidence in resisting abusers and encourages the education of teen girls, women, social educators, community services, and law enforcement about these tactics. The speaker concludes with a personal commitment to fight back against domestic violence and an invitation for others to join in this effort.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Domestic Violence
Domestic violence refers to a pattern of abusive behaviors by one partner against another in an intimate relationship, such as a marriage, family, or dating partnership. It includes physical, emotional, sexual, economic, or psychological harm. In the video, the speaker has worked in this field for twenty years and discusses the challenges and the need for prevention.
💡Social Psychology
Social psychology is the study of how people's thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are influenced by the actual, imagined, or implied presence of others. The speaker is a social psychologist, which informs their approach to studying and addressing domestic violence, particularly in understanding how abusers use tactics to influence and control their victims.
💡Coercive Control
Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse and manipulation where one person controls every aspect of their partner's life, creating a power imbalance. The speaker describes it as a suffocating system and likens it to a type of slavery, highlighting its severe impact on the victim's freedom and autonomy.
💡Grooming
Grooming is a manipulative process where an individual builds trust with an intent to exploit, often seen in abusive relationships. The speaker discusses how abusers use grooming tactics at the start of relationships to lure victims in, control them, and create emotional dependency.
💡Psychological Manipulation
Psychological manipulation involves using deceit and other tactics to influence someone's thoughts, feelings, or actions. The speaker explains that abusers use this technique to gain control over their partners, often without the victim's conscious awareness, which is why it's particularly insidious.
💡Push-Pull
The push-pull tactic involves a pattern of alternating between positive and negative behavior to create an emotional bond that is difficult to break. The speaker describes how abusers use this to confuse and control their partners, making them feel special one moment and then devalued the next.
💡Isolation
Isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to control their victims by limiting their social interactions and support networks. The speaker mentions how abusers thrive in isolation and work to separate their partners from friends and family to increase dependency on the abuser.
💡Authority
In the context of the video, authority refers to the power or right to give orders, make decisions, or enforce obedience. Abusers often seek to establish authority over their victims to control their lives, which is a key element in the psychological manipulation process.
💡Early Warning Signs
Early warning signs are indicators that can help identify potentially abusive behaviors at the beginning of a relationship. The speaker suggests that educating teen girls and women about these signs can help them avoid abusive relationships, emphasizing the importance of prevention.
💡Solution-Focused
Being solution-focused means concentrating on finding solutions to problems rather than dwelling on the problems themselves. The speaker prides themselves on this approach, which led to their 'aha moment' and the development of a program to prevent domestic violence.
💡Unmasking the Abuser
This is the term the speaker uses for their program aimed at revealing the tactics and mindset of abusers. It reflects the speaker's commitment to exposing the truth about abusive behaviors and providing tools for potential victims to recognize and avoid such relationships.
Highlights

The speaker has worked in domestic violence for 20 years and almost quit in 2006 due to lack of progress.

Domestic violence is preventable as most abusive relationships are avoidable and have different characteristics from the start.

Teen girls and women can learn to recognize the early warning signs of an abusive relationship in just 2 hours.

The World Health Organization estimates 1 in 3 women worldwide will experience physical or sexual assault by a romantic partner in their lifetime.

Coercive control involves the abuser controlling every aspect of the victim's life, akin to a form of slavery.

The risk of a woman getting stuck in an abusive relationship has not improved since 1985.

Abusers use tactics to gain and maintain control in relationships, and these tactics follow a consistent, universal pattern.

The speaker estimates around 10% of men in mainstream culture are abusive.

Most abusive men appear normal or charming on the surface, but reveal deeply disturbing attitudes when interviewed confidentially.

Abusers view their partners as objects they own, lacking empathy, compassion or accountability.

Abusers want partners who genuinely care about them and put effort into maintaining relationships.

Abusers take pride in their ability to manipulate people, especially their victims and law enforcement.

Abusers use a range of psychological manipulation tactics at the start of relationships to quickly gain trust, attachment and control.

The manipulation works by making the victim view the abuser as a legitimate authority figure.

Abusers use a 'push-pull' tactic of alternating kindness with criticism to strengthen their control.

Key early warning signs of an abusive relationship include 'too much, too soon' behavior, attempts to transform the victim, and creating a 'you and me against the world' dynamic.

Victims and bystanders often struggle to recognize and respond to the warning signs due to fear, social pressure and the abuser's manipulation.

Building confidence and knowledge about abusers' tactics is crucial for victims to stand up to the pressure and protect themselves.

The speaker has developed a program called 'Unmasking the Abuser' to educate and empower women, educators, community services and law enforcement about the full range of abusers' tactics.

Transcripts

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Related Tags
Domestic ViolencePreventionAbuser TacticsSocial PsychologyEmotional AbuseCoercive ControlRelationship PatternsGrooming TechniquesPsychological ManipulationSelf-ProtectionWomen's Safety