Can I Ever Forgive the Betrayal? Exploring Grief, Loss and Forgiveness

Kristen Snowden introduces herself as a licensed marriage and family therapy therapist and outlines the webinar's aim to address common issues in relationships, such as boundaries and communication. She discusses the importance of addressing grief, loss, and the challenge of forgiveness, especially in the context of betrayal. The session is inspired by Brené Brown's work on rising strong and the struggle to deal with painful emotions like criticism, shame, and trauma. Snowden emphasizes the need to navigate complex emotions that arise from severe relationship issues, including addiction and infidelity.

The speaker discusses the difficulty of dealing with messy emotions like grief and loss, suggesting that creating a culture more comfortable with these emotions could help people grieve more effectively. She shares an anecdote about a client who experienced betrayal and the different responses from friends, highlighting the importance of having someone who can hold space for the pain and discomfort. The speaker also touches on the concept of 'own work', implying that one must confront their own issues to support others through their grief effectively.

Kristen Snowden delves into the intricacies of grief, describing it as non-linear and unpredictable. She talks about the physical and emotional pain associated with loss, whether it's a tangible or intangible loss. Snowden emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the 'gaping hole' left by loss and the need to reorient one's life around this new reality. She also introduces the concept of longing and yearning that often accompany grief, which can be triggered unexpectedly and cause intense emotional reactions.

The speaker discusses the process of redefining one's identity after experiencing loss, highlighting the need to readjust and rebuild a life around new values and worth. She explores the concept of forgiveness as a process that involves letting go of the past, including hopes, dreams, and trust, to make way for a rebirth and a new framework. Snowden suggests that forgiveness is not about forgetting but rather about transforming the self and potentially helping the perpetrator grow as well.

Kristen Snowden emphasizes the importance of having witnesses or a supportive community when processing grief and loss. She argues against the idea of moving through these emotions in isolation and stresses the need for safe witnesses who can sit with the pain without judgment or attempts to fix it. Snowden also mentions the workshops and resources available for those dealing with betrayal and the importance of engaging with these to process emotions healthily.

The speaker discusses strategies for coping with emotional dysregulation, such as deep breathing, meditation, and yoga, which can help individuals stay inwardly focused and reduce hypervigilance. She acknowledges the difficulty of healing the nervous system when it's constantly on high alert, especially in situations where trust has been broken, but suggests that individuals can seek downregulation outside of the immediate environment causing distress.

Kristen Snowden and Scott discuss the complexities of addiction recovery and the impact on relationships. They emphasize that the work each person does is for themselves, and any change in an addict's behavior is a step towards self-improvement. They acknowledge that addicts often struggle with emotional honesty and empathy due to their avoidance of emotional discomfort, which can lead to a lack of genuine remorse or connection to the work of recovery.

The speakers agree that personal growth and self-work are crucial in recovery, regardless of the other person's progress. They discuss the potential for change in an addict's behavior and the importance of not giving up on oneself during the process. The conversation highlights the unpredictable nature of recovery and the need to sometimes 'shake up' the system to create a shift in understanding or behavior.

The discussion revolves around the challenges faced by partners of addicts who, despite being sober, may not show genuine remorse or emotional connection to the recovery process. The speakers validate the frustration of betrayed partners and emphasize the need for addicts to feel genuine guilt and remorse as part of true recovery, rather than just checking off steps or maintaining sobriety from substances.

In the concluding part, Kristen Snowden and Scott summarize the key points of the webinar, reiterating the importance of personal growth, the unpredictability of recovery, and the need for emotional honesty. They provide contact information for further resources and mention upcoming workshops that can aid in the healing process, particularly focusing on grief and loss.