Mel Robbins ON: If You STRUGGLE With Stress & Anxiety, This Will CHANGE Your Life! | Jay Shetty

On Purpose Podcast

16 Jan 202386:23

EducationalLearning

32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRIn this insightful conversation, Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty delve into the profound art of embracing happiness, shedding light on the 'campaigns of misery' that often sabotage our pursuit of fulfillment. Through powerful metaphors and personal anecdotes, Mel encourages listeners to break free from self-doubt, embrace a 'willingness to try,' and cultivate meaning by focusing on the present journey rather than fixating on distant goals. Their candid exchange offers practical strategies for building confidence, navigating relationships, and intentionally nurturing the 'little things' that lead to a happier, more purposeful life.

Takeaways

😊 Happiness comes from being present and focusing on the journey, not just the destination.
🔑 Self-confidence is the willingness to try, not just believing in yourself. Action builds confidence through the 'confidence-competence loop'.
🧠 Negative self-talk and excuses are a 'campaign of misery' that zaps energy and prevents growth.
👍 Apply the '60% rule': if you meet 60% of the qualifications, go for it anyway.
⏱ Use the 'Five Second Rule' to overcome hesitation and take action before self-doubt kicks in.
🌳 Let go of things that no longer serve you, just as trees shed leaves to conserve energy.
👫 Don't sabotage others' growth out of envy or insecurity. Their change can inspire your own.
📝 Write down what your life looked like when you were happy, and make small changes to get back there.
🙌 Celebrate small wins and efforts, not just big achievements. Encouragement builds momentum.
🌈 Parental expectations and criticism can impact confidence, but you have the power to reshape your mindset as an adult.

Q & A

What is the main topic being discussed in the script?
-The script is a conversation between Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins, discussing various topics related to personal growth, happiness, confidence, and overcoming self-doubt.
What is Mel Robbins' perspective on the difference between dreams and delusions?
-Mel believes that dreams are not meant to be achieved but rather serve as directional signals that guide us towards personal growth and self-discovery. She believes that engaging in the pursuit of one's dreams is what awakens the inner flame and allows for personal growth, rather than solely focusing on achieving a specific end goal.
How does Mel Robbins define true happiness?
-Mel defines true happiness as being present in the moment and not constantly projecting into the future or dwelling on the past. She emphasizes the importance of ending the 'campaigns of misery' in one's mind and being content with wherever one is in life.
What is the '60 rule' that Mel Robbins suggests for building confidence?
-The '60 rule' suggests that if you feel 60% qualified or capable of doing something, you should go for it. Mel believes that job descriptions, dating profiles, and other such requirements are often wish lists, and if you meet 60% of the criteria, you should be willing to try.
How does Mel Robbins explain the drop in confidence levels among girls during puberty?
-Mel suggests that the drop in confidence levels among girls during puberty (around age 13) is due to the public conversation and attention surrounding physical changes, such as menstruation and body development. This loss of control over the narrative surrounding their bodies can lead to self-consciousness and a desire for perfectionism.
What advice does Mel Robbins offer for supporting someone who is feeling behind or envious of others' progress?
-Mel suggests creating a space for the person to express their concerns without judgment, asking leading questions, and acknowledging their small steps or efforts. She also emphasizes the importance of focusing on one's own journey and letting personal growth inspire others, rather than trying to directly change them.
What is the 'bridge' and 'trail' metaphor that Mel Robbins uses, and how does it relate to finding meaning in life?
-Mel uses the metaphor of a bridge and a trail to emphasize that the purpose of life is not just reaching the destination (the end of the bridge or the top of the mountain), but rather finding meaning in the journey itself. She encourages focusing on the present moment and the steps along the way, rather than constantly fixating on the end goal.
How does Mel Robbins suggest dealing with parental expectations or lack of support?
-Mel suggests that once an individual is financially independent and not relying on their parents' support, the parents' opinions or expectations hold less weight. She emphasizes the importance of finding one's own path and avoiding getting caught up in the 'campaign of misery' caused by parental pressure or lack of support.
What is the 'five-second rule' that Mel Robbins recommends for overcoming self-doubt?
-The 'five-second rule' involves counting backwards from five to one when self-doubt or hesitation arises. By the time one reaches one, the prefrontal cortex has focused on the counting, and the individual has a split second to take action before the self-doubt can take hold again.
What simple exercise does Mel Robbins suggest for identifying the steps to increase happiness and confidence?
-Mel suggests drawing a line down the center of a blank piece of paper. On the left side, write down the details of a time in life when happiness or confidence was high. On the right side, write down the current situation. By comparing the two, individuals can identify the specific actions or habits that contributed to their previous state of happiness or confidence and work towards reincorporating those into their lives.

Outlines

00:00

🗣️ Introduction and Guest Announcement

This paragraph introduces the theme of the podcast episode and announces the guest, Mel Robbins. It provides background information about Mel, including her achievements, work, and professional journey. The paragraph also touches upon the friendship between the host and Mel.

05:01

🤔 Happiness as a Goal

Mel opens up about her current focus on finding happiness and contentment. She shares a personal story about realizing her deep-seated unhappiness and the desire to break free from coping mechanisms. Mel emphasizes her goal of learning to be happy and content in the present moment, rather than constantly looking ahead.

10:02

🔥 The Campaign of Misery

Mel introduces the concept of the 'campaign of misery,' which she describes as the negative self-talk and excuses that prevent individuals from pursuing their dreams and potential. She shares a personal example of overcoming this mindset and deciding to launch her podcast, which she had been putting off for years.

15:05

🌉 Bridging the Gap to Happiness

Mel discusses the metaphor of life as a bridge, emphasizing the importance of being present in the journey rather than constantly focusing on the destination. She encourages individuals to find meaning in the process of working towards their goals and to appreciate the small steps along the way.

20:08

💪 Taking Action and Embracing the Journey

This paragraph highlights the significance of taking action and stepping onto the 'court' of life, rather than sitting on the sidelines and criticizing others. Mel encourages individuals to stop engaging in their own 'campaign of misery' and start taking small steps towards their dreams.

25:09

🎙️ Overcoming Self-Doubt and Launching a Podcast

Mel shares her personal journey of overcoming self-doubt and finally launching her podcast after years of hesitation. She discusses the excuses and negative self-talk she engaged in, and how she ultimately decided to take action and embrace the process.

30:09

🎭 Pursuing Acting and Embracing Discomfort

The host shares his personal experience of trying acting and the discomfort he felt during the process. Mel encourages him to embrace the discomfort and continue pursuing his interest in acting, as a way to creatively express himself and find joy in the journey.

35:10

🔥 Differentiating Dreams from Delusions

Mel discusses the difference between dreams and delusions, emphasizing that true dreams are deeply personal and connected to one's inner flame. She encourages individuals to focus on the journey and personal growth, rather than solely on grandiose aspirations or external validation.

40:10

🥾 The Purpose of the Hike: Embracing the Trail

Using the metaphor of a hike, Mel emphasizes that the true purpose is not reaching the top, but rather being present on the trail and embracing the journey. She encourages individuals to find meaning in the process and to focus on the step they are currently on, rather than constantly looking ahead.

45:11

🧭 Navigating Parental Expectations and Self-Belief

This paragraph addresses the challenges individuals face when their parents or loved ones have different expectations or lack belief in their dreams. Mel provides insights on how to navigate these situations, emphasizing the importance of paying one's own way and finding the courage to pave their own path.

50:12

👥 Parental Mismatches and Childhood Influences

Mel delves into the concept of 'parental mismatches' and how childhood experiences can shape negative thought patterns and behaviors in adulthood. She encourages individuals to separate themselves from these inherited patterns and actively work on self-improvement and personal growth.

55:13

👸 Confidence and Self-Assurance in Girls

Mel explores the reasons behind the decline in confidence and self-assurance observed in girls around the age of 13. She discusses the impact of puberty, societal pressures, and gender-specific socialization on girls' self-perception and confidence levels.

00:14

🌱 Cultivating Confidence through Action

This paragraph provides practical advice for building confidence through action and a willingness to try new things. Mel introduces the '60% rule' and encourages individuals to embrace imperfection and learn from mistakes, as confidence grows through experience and repetition.

05:15

🍂 Letting Go: The Art of Redirection

Using the analogy of falling leaves, Mel highlights the importance of letting go of negative energy and redirecting it towards positive pursuits. She emphasizes the draining nature of complaining, making excuses, and resisting change, and encourages individuals to channel their energy into productive endeavors.

10:15

🌳 Supporting Personal Growth in Relationships

Mel discusses the challenges that arise when someone in a relationship or friendship embarks on a personal growth journey, and how it can trigger feelings of envy or resistance in others. She provides advice on how to support and encourage loved ones during these transformative periods.

15:16

📝 Rediscovering Happiness: A Simple Exercise

Mel shares a simple yet powerful exercise to help individuals rediscover happiness and confidence in their lives. It involves comparing their current state to a time when they felt happy or confident, and using that self-awareness to make positive changes in their daily routines and habits.

20:16

👏 Acknowledging Small Steps and Celebrating Progress

This paragraph emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and celebrating small steps and progress, rather than solely focusing on grand achievements. Mel discusses how acknowledging and validating the efforts of loved ones can be incredibly powerful in supporting their personal growth journey.

25:17

🔁 Closing Thoughts and Reflections

The final paragraph wraps up the conversation, with Mel and the host expressing gratitude for their friendship and the opportunity to share insights. They encourage the audience to engage with the content, share their insights, and have meaningful discussions inspired by the episode.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Happiness

Happiness is a central theme discussed in the video. Mel Robbins shares her personal journey of working towards true happiness, which she describes as being content and present in the moment, rather than constantly looking ahead or dwelling on the past. She emphasizes that happiness comes from focusing on the journey itself, not just the destination. For example, she talks about enjoying the trail while hiking, rather than solely focusing on reaching the summit.

💡Confidence

Confidence is another key concept explored in the conversation. Mel Robbins redefines confidence as the willingness to try new things, rather than just a belief in one's abilities. She introduces the idea of the 'Confidence Competency Loop,' where trying something new, even if imperfectly, builds a little confidence, which then encourages further attempts and continued growth in confidence. She suggests the '60% Rule,' where if someone feels 60% qualified, they should go for it, as a way to build confidence through action.

💡Campaign of Misery

The 'Campaign of Misery' is a term coined by Mel Robbins to describe the negative self-talk and excuses that people engage in to avoid trying new things or pursuing their dreams. She likens it to actively arguing against one's own potential, which not only hinders growth but also causes significant pain and unhappiness. Mel encourages listeners to identify and end their own 'Campaigns of Misery' to find true fulfillment.

💡Five Second Rule

The 'Five Second Rule' is a technique developed by Mel Robbins to help overcome hesitation and self-doubt. When individuals find themselves hesitating or making excuses, they should count backwards from five to one, and by the time they reach one, they should take action. This technique engages the prefrontal cortex, allowing for a split-second window to move past hesitation and take the first step towards trying something new.

💡Parental Mismatch

Mel Robbins introduces the concept of 'Parental Mismatch' to explain how certain childhood experiences can leave individuals with negative or toxic thinking patterns that they struggle to overcome as adults. She acknowledges that even in loving families, there may have been moments where a child felt separate or unsupported, leading to lasting impacts on their confidence and self-perception. Understanding this concept can help individuals work through these ingrained patterns.

💡Bridge

Mel Robbins uses the metaphor of a 'Bridge' to represent the journey towards one's goals or dreams. She emphasizes that individuals should focus on being 'on the bridge,' enjoying the process and the small steps along the way, rather than fixating on the final destination. This mindset allows for finding meaning and satisfaction in the present moment, rather than constantly looking ahead.

💡Trail

The 'Trail' is another metaphor used by Mel Robbins to illustrate the importance of focusing on the journey itself, rather than solely on the end goal. She compares the experience of hiking to life, explaining that the purpose of going for a hike is not just to reach the top, but to enjoy being on the trail, taking in each step along the way. This mindset encourages individuals to find meaning and fulfillment in the present moment.

💡Self-doubt

Self-doubt is a recurring theme in the conversation, as it is often the root cause of individuals not pursuing their dreams or trying new things. Mel Robbins emphasizes that engaging in self-doubt and negative self-talk is an active process that robs people of their potential and creates significant emotional pain. She encourages listeners to recognize and overcome their self-doubt by taking action and focusing on the present moment.

💡Perfectionism

Perfectionism is identified as a significant contributor to a lack of confidence, particularly in young girls. Mel Robbins suggests that around the age of 13, when girls typically experience puberty, they become more self-conscious about their bodies and appearance, leading to a desire for perfectionism as a defense mechanism against public judgment. This crippling perfectionism can then hinder their willingness to try new things and take risks.

💡Comparison

The concept of comparison is discussed in relation to feeling ahead or behind others, particularly in relationships or friendships. Mel Robbins acknowledges that it's normal to feel envious or unsupportive when someone close to us changes or grows in a way that challenges our own habits or mindset. She suggests that this comparison often stems from our own insecurities, and that the best way to support others is to focus on our own growth and lead by example.

Highlights

Happiness is really about ending campaigns of misery in my mind it was about identifying where I was arguing against myself and my potential, and it was allowing myself to get back on the trail or start walking across that bridge.

The purpose of going for a hike, ironically is not to get to the top it's to be on the trail if you focus on the freaking Trail whatever step you're on, and you keep reminding yourself this is going to lead me somewhere that is where the meaning comes in your life.

I've spent the last two years and I continue to focus right now on the number one goal that I have which is to learn how to be happy and content wherever I am.

Part of being content and being happy wherever I am is not trying to fix things it's being okay with things it's allowing the emotion to rise up and then noticing that there's a different way to feel.

When somebody loves you they respect your opinion and trust me they know when they're not doing what they need to do every day, so you will support somebody more when you say you know I'm really proud of you for the fact that you're very relaxed about this, I'm really proud of you for the fact that you're not beating yourself up.

If your parents are paying for your bills, there is going to be power in what they're saying there is a transaction there because they're paying your tuition or they're paying whatever and not all parents are transformed.

Confidence is the willingness to try, in research there is something called The Confidence competency Loop, and what that means is that as you try something for the first time like I was curling my hair this morning and I freaking burned my ear, and my daughter casually says gotta learn somehow, by trying and by the way screwing it up, and burning my ear I still am gaining a little bit of confidence.

I follow the 60 rule okay and I use sixty percent because that is the figure that was in the HP study about men applying for jobs when they feel sixty percent qualified if you look at something that you want to do or try or apply for and you feel whether it's sixty percent qualified okay I got sixty percent of the stuff freaking go for it that's rule number one the sixty percent rule.

The other thing is is that if you're looking at doing something that you're scared to do maybe it's signing up for an improv class maybe it is ordering the podcast equipment maybe it's signing up for genius like even thinking about even thinking about it you're thinking about it, if you want to scale, you're on this teeter-totter if you tip more toward I'd really like to so about 60 right weight versus 40 I'm kind of nervous freaking do it, that's how you build confidence.

When you feel behind that's your insecurity putting a lid on what you believe is possible for you so that's number one, recognize that it is that's in security blocking you and you can use that as a sign that oh I all I have to do is start walking toward things.

The second thing I want to share with everybody is that it is normal to feel envious or even be somewhat of a jerk when somebody that you care about changes.

If you do this simple exercise of drawing a line down a piece of paper and you write down what life looked like in great detail when did you wake up, when did you go to bed how are from your friends family what were you doing for work exercise what were you eating, if you then compare that to what life looks like now, you now know what to do.

When you feel this call or this this burning desire and I feel like we all have this flame inside us we are not like a boiler where the pilot light can blow out that is not how a human being is wired you whether you're stuck whether you're in pain whether you're suffering, you still have this this flame inside you that is burning, and when you actively engage in your own campaign of misery, and you actively tell yourself the reasons why it's not going to work or the reasons why you can't do it or the reasons why now is not the time or you're never going to make it happen or it was great for Jay or great for for Mel but nothing ever works out for when you engage in your own campaign of misery you are creating literally a cancer inside of you that eats at you.

You are putting so much negative energy into things that you won't let go of, into complaining into relationships that don't work into your excuses do you know how much energy it takes to walk into a job you can't stand, and yet you do it every day, imagine if instead of sitting at your desk resisting complaining gossiping and coming up with excuses imagine if you just redirected some of that energy toward looking for something else.

If you're willing to take that risk but what we've found, you know the the research shows this as well there was a study a few years ago, that I looked up which talked about how you know with men and women when when men see a job description and they can do like 50 to 60 right that's an HP study don't say I can do it right and then when a woman sees a job description, and even if she can do 80 of it she'll be like I can't apply because I can't do 20.

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