The Big Secret to Finding Lasting Love | Bela Gandhi | TEDxChicago

TEDx Talks
2 Nov 202110:16
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRIn this inspiring talk, the speaker shares her journey of leaving a secure career to start a company that helps people find lasting love. She reveals that most people use superficial checklists when dating, which often leads to failed relationships. Instead, she suggests focusing on 'elevator qualities' that make people feel happiest and supported, as these lead to more fulfilling and enduring romantic connections. The speaker's approach has resulted in zero divorces among her clients, emphasizing the importance of emotional compatibility over superficial traits.

Takeaways
  • 👫 Most people have experienced falling in love with the wrong person due to a lack of guidance on choosing partners.
  • 💼 The speaker's business school realization led to a career change and the creation of a company that helps people find lasting love.
  • 📝 People often use a checklist when dating, focusing on superficial traits like height and attractiveness, which is not effective for finding lasting love.
  • 📉 The high divorce rates in the U.S. suggest that the current approach to dating and choosing partners is flawed.
  • 🔑 A 'better list' has been discovered to help people find love, emphasizing the importance of how a partner makes one feel rather than superficial traits.
  • 💔 Anna's story illustrates the emotional impact of relying on a superficial checklist and the transformative experience of focusing on deeper qualities.
  • 📋 Anna's 'dream guy' list included 35 items, typical of many women, but it did not consider how these traits contribute to happiness in a relationship.
  • 😢 Anna's realization of the importance of 'elevator people' in her life, who lift her up and keep her grounded, was a turning point in her approach to dating.
  • 🚀 The concept of 'elevator people' is introduced as individuals who significantly contribute to one's happiness and well-being.
  • 💡 Anna's epiphany about the importance of dating for happiness rather than just meeting a checklist led to a successful relationship.
  • 🌱 The speaker encourages everyone to become 'elevator people' in their relationships, which could potentially reduce divorce rates and increase love in the world.
Q & A

  • What is the main issue the speaker addresses in the script?

    -The main issue addressed is that people often fall in love with the wrong person due to a lack of understanding on how to choose a suitable partner, often relying on superficial checklists rather than deeper emotional connections.

  • What was the speaker's realization during her time in business school?

    -The speaker realized she had a talent for helping people find good partners and fall in love, which eventually led her to leave her career and start a company focused on helping people find lasting love.

  • What is the speaker's company's success rate in helping singles find love?

    -The company has helped thousands of singles find lasting happy love, with a notable achievement of having zero divorces among those they've helped.

  • Why do people often use a checklist when dating?

    -People use a checklist when dating because they are influenced by societal standards and evolutionary preferences, such as height for men and attractiveness for women, without considering the emotional fulfillment these traits provide.

  • What is the term used for the type of people who make us truly happy in the script?

    -The term used is 'elevator people,' as they lift us up, elevate us, and keep us grounded and safe.

  • What was Anna's initial approach to dating before the speaker's intervention?

    -Anna's initial approach was to date based on a checklist of superficial qualities like height and financial stability, which led to heartbreak after a breakup.

  • What was the turning point for Anna in her dating life?

    -The turning point for Anna was when she realized that the qualities that make her happiest in relationships were not the same as those on her checklist, leading her to focus on how potential partners made her feel.

  • How did the speaker help Anna redefine her approach to finding a partner?

    -The speaker helped Anna by making her recognize the importance of 'elevator people' in her life and comparing this to her dating checklist, prompting Anna to seek partners who made her feel the same way.

  • What is the speaker's view on the role of attraction in romantic relationships?

    -The speaker acknowledges that attraction is important but emphasizes that choosing partners based on qualities that make one happiest will lead to deeper, more meaningful love.

  • What is the speaker's ultimate goal for people in their romantic relationships?

    -The speaker's ultimate goal is for people to consciously choose partners who make them happy, become 'elevator people' themselves, and thus increase the amount of love in the world and potentially lower divorce rates.

  • What is the speaker's self-proclaimed title and why?

    -The speaker is called a 'psychotic optimist' because of her unwavering belief that love exists for every person who seeks it and that making conscious choices in relationships can lead to beautiful love stories.

Outlines
00:00
😔 The Struggle with Choosing the Right Partner

The speaker begins by highlighting the common experience of falling in love with the wrong person, a problem that many people face. They point out that choosing a partner is something most people are not taught to do, but are expected to know how to do instinctively. The speaker then shares their personal journey, from helping friends find love to starting a company that aids in finding lasting love, with an impressive zero divorce rate among those they've helped. They introduce the concept that people often use a superficial checklist when dating, focusing on traits like height and attractiveness, which do not necessarily lead to lasting love. The speaker emphasizes the need for a better approach to finding love.

05:02
🚀 Discovering 'Elevator People' for Lasting Love

The speaker introduces the concept of 'elevator people,' individuals who lift us up and keep us grounded, like an elevator. These are the relationships that make us happiest and are essential for our well-being. The speaker uses the example of Anna, a woman who came to them after a heartbreak, seeking a way to avoid future emotional pain. They help Anna identify her 'dream guy' checklist and then compare it with a list of people in her life who make her happy. This comparison leads to a realization for Anna about what truly makes her happy in relationships. The speaker explains that most people do not consider 'elevator qualities' when dating, which is a missed opportunity for finding lasting love. Anna's story illustrates the transformative power of focusing on how potential partners make us feel, rather than just meeting superficial criteria.

10:05
🎉 Embracing the Power of 'Elevator People'

The speaker concludes by sharing Anna's success in finding love by dating people who made her feel like her 'elevator people.' Despite not meeting her initial superficial checklist, Anna's new partner embodies the qualities that truly make her happy. The speaker reflects on the rarity of people considering 'elevator qualities' in their romantic relationships and suggests that doing so could lead to more fulfilling love lives. They express optimism about the potential for love for everyone and the positive impact that consciously choosing to be 'elevator people' to others could have on the world. The speaker ends on a humorous note, suggesting that if everyone followed this advice, they might be out of a job, but they love love and would be happy to see it happen.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Love
Love is a complex emotional and psychological state characterized by affection, protectiveness, and a deep sense of attachment towards another person. In the context of the video, love is the core theme, with the speaker discussing the pursuit of finding lasting love and how it can be achieved by focusing on the right qualities in a partner.
💡Checklist
A checklist is a list of items to be checked or considered, often used to ensure nothing is overlooked. The video script mentions that people are dating using a checklist, which typically includes superficial traits like 'tall' or 'attractive,' but the speaker argues for a shift towards a more meaningful checklist that focuses on qualities that lead to happiness in a relationship.
💡Elevator People
The term 'elevator people' is coined in the video to describe individuals who positively impact our lives, lifting us up emotionally and keeping us grounded. The concept is central to the video's message, suggesting that we should seek partners who embody these qualities, as they contribute to our happiness and well-being.
💡Attraction
Attraction refers to the feeling of being drawn towards someone or something, often on a physical or emotional level. While the video acknowledges the importance of attraction in romantic relationships, it emphasizes that it should not be the sole criterion for choosing a partner, as lasting love requires deeper emotional connections.
💡Divorce Rates
Divorce rates are the statistics that indicate the frequency of divorce in a population. The script cites high divorce rates in the U.S. to highlight the failure of traditional dating checklists and argues for a new approach to finding a partner that leads to lasting relationships.
💡Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships are intimate connections between individuals that are characterized by love, affection, and mutual commitment. The video's narrative revolves around the dynamics of romantic relationships and how they can be improved by focusing on the right qualities in a partner.
💡Happiness
Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment. The video emphasizes the importance of happiness as a key outcome of successful relationships, suggesting that we should prioritize qualities in a partner that make us feel happy and fulfilled.
💡Evolution
Evolution is the process by which different kinds of living organisms develop and diversify from earlier forms during the history of the earth. The speaker uses the concept of evolution to explain why people are biologically wired to prefer certain traits in partners, but argues that this instinctual preference may not lead to lasting love.
💡Breakup
A breakup is the end of a romantic relationship. The script uses the example of Anna, who experienced a breakup and sought help to ensure she would not face such heartbreak again, illustrating the emotional impact of breakups and the motivation for seeking a more fulfilling approach to love.
💡Supportive
Supportive refers to providing help, encouragement, or backing to someone. In the context of the video, being supportive is identified as a key quality of 'elevator people' and is suggested as a desirable trait in a romantic partner, as it contributes to a sense of security and happiness.
💡Optimism
Optimism is a positive and hopeful attitude towards life or the future. The speaker is referred to as a 'psychotic optimist' due to their unwavering belief in the existence of love for everyone. This term reflects the speaker's conviction that by choosing partners wisely, we can create more love and happiness in the world.
Highlights

The majority of people have fallen in love with the wrong person at some point in their lives.

Choosing partners is an untaught skill that people are expected to know intuitively.

The speaker's experience in business school led to a career change to help people find love.

The speaker's company has helped thousands find lasting love with zero divorces.

People often date using a checklist, which is not effective for finding lasting love.

Tall and attractive are common but insufficient criteria for a successful relationship.

The concept of 'elevator people' is introduced as those who lift and ground us emotionally.

Anna's story illustrates the shift from a superficial checklist to emotional needs in dating.

Anna's realization that her exes met her checklist but not her emotional needs.

Less than 2% of people include 'elevator qualities' in their dating checklists.

Evolutionary biology influences our dating preferences, which may not align with happiness.

Choosing partners based on qualities that make you happiest leads to more fulfilling relationships.

Anna's successful dating experience after adopting the new approach.

The speaker's optimism about love being available to everyone who seeks it.

The idea of becoming 'elevator people' to our partners, families, and friends to increase love in the world.

The potential societal impact of choosing 'elevator people' for romantic relationships.

The speaker's closing remarks on the transformative power of love and the joy of helping others find it.

Transcripts

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Related Tags
Love AdviceRelationship TipsDating ChecklistHappiness FactorElevator PeopleEmotional ConnectionRomantic SuccessDivorce StatsPartner SelectionLifelong Love