Online love & infidelity. We're in the game, what are the rules? | Michelle Drouin | TEDxNaperville

TEDx Talks
26 Jan 201618:50
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRIn this reflective talk, the speaker shares her bold approach to initiating a relationship in 1993, contrasting it with today's digital dating landscape. She explores how social media and dating apps have transformed the way people pursue romantic connections, often with less personal risk and more alternatives. The speaker delves into the psychological implications of these changes, discussing relationship theories and the impact of online interactions on commitment and satisfaction. She highlights studies that show higher breakup rates and lower marriage likelihoods among couples who meet online, pondering the effects of maintaining 'back burner' relationships and the blurred lines of infidelity in the digital age. The talk concludes with a call to define the rules of online love, as everyone is now part of this evolving game.

Takeaways
  • 😀 The speaker, Michelle, shared a personal story from 1993 about approaching a boy in a university dining hall, highlighting the courage needed in pre-internet times to express interest in someone face-to-face.
  • 📱 In today's digital age, 92% of young adults use social media and dating apps like Tinder, which reduces the risk of rejection and the need for the courage that was once required in person.
  • 💔 The ease of online dating and the ability to swipe right without fear of immediate rejection has led to a generation that may lack the fundamental human attribute of courage in expressing feelings.
  • 🎯 The speaker discusses relationship theories such as inner dependence theory and Carol Russell's investment model, which suggest that satisfaction, quality of alternatives, and investment in a relationship influence commitment and dependence.
  • 🤔 The speaker ponders the impact of constant access to potential mates through technology on the quality and longevity of relationships.
  • 🏒 Michelle's story continues with an unexpected romantic connection with a famous hockey player, illustrating the unpredictable nature of love and courtship.
  • 🤝 The speaker notes that competition for mates is not unique to sports and exists in various forms in everyone's lives, including through social media and online platforms.
  • 📈 A study by Michael Rosenfeld showed a significant increase in couples meeting online since the late 1990s, but also found that these couples are more likely to break up and less likely to marry.
  • 🤳 The speaker's research indicates that people in committed relationships often maintain connections with 'back burners'—individuals they are attracted to but not currently in a relationship with, which can lead to deception and infidelity.
  • 💌 Online communication can quickly become intimate due to the asynchronous nature of messages and the ability to craft idealized representations of oneself, enhancing the potential for emotional connections.
  • 🚫 The Internet provides opportunities for deception, from misrepresentation in profiles to the ease of cheating through social messaging apps, which can lead to relationship breakdowns.
Q & A
  • What significant action did the speaker take at a university dining hall in 1993?

    -The speaker approached a table full of boys and asked a boy named PC, who was a famous hockey player, if he liked her, demonstrating courage and vulnerability in a pre-internet era.

  • What percentage of young adults use social media, and how does this relate to dating apps like Tinder?

    -92% of young adults use social media, and this has led to an increase in the use of dating apps like Tinder, where people can swipe right to find a date with virtually no risk of immediate rejection.

  • How did the speaker's interaction with PC lead to a relationship?

    -Despite the initial awkwardness and rejection by PC's friend, the speaker and PC became officially an item three days later, leading to a relationship where she learned about love, courtship, and sexuality.

  • What is the Kellyanne t-bolts inner dependence theory, and how does it relate to relationship satisfaction and alternatives?

    -The Kellyanne t-bolts inner dependence theory states that dependence in a relationship is based on satisfaction (how well a partner meets one's needs) and the quality of alternatives (how desirable the next best option is).

  • What is Carol Russell's investment model scale, and how does it add to our understanding of relationship commitment?

    -Carol Russell's investment model scale is widely used and adds the dimension of investment to the understanding of relationship commitment. It suggests that more investment in a relationship, such as resources that would be lost if the relationship ended, leads to greater dependence and higher commitment.

  • How does the speaker describe the competition she felt in her relationship with PC?

    -The speaker describes the competition as intense, with PC having adoring fans and new attractive teammates every year, and herself having to deal with potential mates, such as a girl from her sorority who met PC at a party.

  • What does the term 'back burner' refer to in the context of relationships?

    -In the context of relationships, a 'back burner' refers to someone who is romantically or sexually interesting to an individual but with whom they are not currently in a relationship, yet maintain contact with the thought of a possible future romantic or sexual connection.

  • What was the average number of back burners for women and men in the study mentioned by the speaker?

    -In the study, on average, women had four back burners, while men had eight.

  • How does the speaker describe the ease of forming intimate relationships online?

    -The speaker describes the ease of forming intimate relationships online as facilitated by the asynchronous nature of communication, which allows people to craft messages that depict their best selves and interpret messages in a way that enhances intimacy.

  • What are some of the problems associated with forming relationships online as highlighted by the speaker?

    -Some problems associated with forming relationships online include the potential for deception, such as lying about personal details, the ease of cheating through social applications, and the confusion over what constitutes infidelity in the digital age.

  • What statistic does the speaker mention regarding Facebook and its relation to divorces in the United States?

    -The speaker mentions that Facebook has been cited in one-third of the recent divorces in the United States.

  • What does the speaker suggest about the rules of online love and relationships?

    -The speaker suggests that there is a lack of clear rules for online love and relationships, and that individuals and couples need to actively establish what they will and will not accept in terms of online behavior.

Outlines
00:00
💭 The Courage to Connect in a Pre-Digital Era

In this paragraph, the speaker reminisces about a bold move she made in 1993, approaching a boy in a university dining hall and introducing herself, a stark contrast to today's digital dating scene. The speaker reflects on how social media and dating apps have changed the dynamics of meeting potential partners, reducing the need for courage and increasing the pool of alternatives. She also shares her experience with relationship competition, particularly in the world of athletics, and introduces relationship theories like interdependence and investment models that explain why people stay committed despite the availability of alternatives.

05:00
🌐 The Impact of Technology on Relationships and Alternatives

This paragraph delves into the effects of technology on how people form and maintain relationships. The speaker discusses the ease with which individuals can now connect with others through social media platforms and the internet, leading to a seemingly endless array of potential partners. Studies are mentioned that show a rise in couples meeting online, but also a higher likelihood of breakups and lower rates of marriage among those who meet through digital means. The speaker explores the concept of 'back burners' – people we keep in contact with for potential future romantic or sexual relationships – and how common this practice is, even among those in committed relationships.

10:03
📱 The Deceptive Nature of Online Relationships

The speaker addresses the darker side of online relationships, focusing on the ease with which people can misrepresent themselves and engage in deception. From simple lies about personal details to the more extreme cases of catfishing, the paragraph highlights the prevalence of dishonesty in online interactions. It also touches on the ease with which individuals can cheat online, using everyday social messaging applications to maintain secret relationships. The speaker emphasizes the lack of clear rules for online interactions and the potential for these deceptive behaviors to impact real-life relationships.

15:04
👥 Navigating the New World of Online Love and Infidelity

In the final paragraph, the speaker discusses the challenges of defining infidelity in the context of online relationships and the lack of clear rules for what constitutes cheating in the digital age. She presents statistics that suggest a significant impact of social media on divorce rates and encourages the development of new 'scripts' for acceptable online behavior in relationships. The speaker concludes by acknowledging the complexity of navigating love and relationships in a world dominated by technology, where the competition for mates is more intense than ever.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Courage
Courage, in the context of the video, refers to the bravery required to approach someone romantically without the buffer of technology. The speaker mentions her boldness in approaching a boy in person, which is contrasted with today's dating apps that reduce the risk of rejection. Courage is a fundamental human attribute that the speaker suggests might be diminished in the digital age of dating.
💡Social Media
Social media platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter are highlighted as tools that have transformed the way people communicate and form relationships. The speaker notes that these platforms provide easy access to a vast network of potential romantic partners, which can affect the dynamics of existing relationships and the way people perceive their alternatives in the dating landscape.
💡Dating Apps
Dating apps like Tinder are mentioned as a modern method of meeting potential partners. The video discusses how these apps have changed the dating process by allowing users to swipe right to express interest with minimal risk, as there is no immediate rejection if the interest is not reciprocated. This contrasts with the more direct and potentially embarrassing approach of in-person interaction.
💡Investment Model
The investment model, as introduced by Carol Russell, is a psychological concept used to explain why people remain in relationships. It suggests that the more resources invested in a relationship, the greater the dependence and commitment. In the video, this concept is used to discuss how people in highly satisfied relationships may devalue potential alternatives, but when satisfaction or investment decreases, they may start to see more value in other options.
💡Back Burner
The term 'back burner' is used to describe individuals who are kept in contact with the possibility of future romantic or sexual involvement, even though they are not currently in a relationship with them. The video presents a study where it is found that both single people and those in committed relationships have back burners, which can lead to a sense of security and potentially impact the stability of current relationships.
💡Hyper Personal Communication
Hyper personal communication is a concept that suggests online interactions can lead to a heightened sense of intimacy. This is because online communication allows individuals to carefully craft messages that present their best selves and interpret messages in a way that enhances closeness. The video uses this concept to explain why online relationships can develop quickly and why the internet is conducive to forming intimate connections.
💡Deception
Deception in the context of the video refers to the ease with which people can misrepresent themselves online, whether through lying about personal details or by creating an idealized image of themselves. The speaker points out that this can lead to issues when the online fantasy does not align with reality, contributing to the higher breakup rates among couples who meet online.
💡Infidelity
Infidelity is discussed in relation to online interactions and the potential for emotional or physical betrayal. The video mentions that the internet provides opportunities for cheating, such as through social messaging apps or websites like Ashley Madison. It raises the question of what constitutes cheating in the digital age and the challenges this poses to traditional relationship norms.
💡Online Love
Online love encompasses the various ways in which relationships are formed and maintained through digital means. The video explores the ease with which people can connect online, the potential for deception, and the impact this has on traditional dating and relationship dynamics. It also touches on the societal implications of the changing landscape of love and intimacy in the digital age.
💡Mate Competition
Mate competition is the idea that individuals are constantly surrounded by potential romantic alternatives, and this perception can influence their commitment to their current partner. The video uses the speaker's personal experience in the context of athletics to illustrate the concept and discusses how the internet has amplified this competition by providing access to a seemingly endless array of potential partners.
💡Relationship Scripts
Relationship scripts refer to the unwritten rules and expectations that guide behavior within a relationship. The video suggests that with the advent of digital communication, there is a need to develop new scripts that define acceptable online behavior to prevent misunderstandings and betrayals. This includes setting boundaries around social media interactions and expectations for transparency in digital communication.
Highlights

In 1993, the speaker took a bold step by approaching a boy in a university dining hall, contrasting with today's digital dating landscape.

92% of young adults use social media, with dating apps like Tinder allowing for low-risk interactions.

The impact of digital technology on courage and human interaction is questioned, as online dating removes the immediacy of rejection.

The speaker's personal story of meeting her now-husband, a famous hockey player, without the aid of technology.

The concept of mate competition is explored, highlighting the challenges faced in relationships, especially in the world of athletics.

Inner dependence theory and Carol Russell's investment model are discussed as frameworks for understanding relationship persistence.

The idea that people continually evaluate the quality of alternatives in relationships is presented.

A study by Michael Rosenfeld shows a rise in couples meeting online since the late 1990s.

Contradicting findings suggest that online couples are more likely to break up and less likely to marry.

The ease of maintaining 'back burner' relationships in the digital age is examined.

A study reveals that both men and women in committed relationships maintain a significant number of potential alternatives.

The asynchronous nature of online communication can lead to rapid development of intimacy.

Online environments may enhance intimacy through 'hyper personal communication'.

The Internet provides an abundance of options for love and intimacy, but also opportunities for deception.

Misrepresentation and lying about personal details are common in online interactions.

The ease of cheating online and the impact on relationships, with Facebook cited in one-third of recent divorces.

The need for new scripts and rules to govern online behavior in relationships is emphasized.

The speaker reflects on the challenges of navigating the new world of online love and the need for clear rules within relationships.

Transcripts
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