The person you really need to marry | Tracy McMillan | TEDxOlympicBlvdWomen

TEDx Talks
7 Feb 201413:58
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRIn this inspiring talk, the speaker shares her journey through three marriages and subsequent divorces, leading to a profound realization. She introduces the concept of 'marrying oneself' as a transformative approach to life and relationships. By fully committing to oneself and building a relationship with oneself, she explains how one can become whole and content, regardless of external circumstances. This self-love and acceptance enable a new way of loving others and approaching relationships, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling life.

Takeaways
  • 😀 The speaker humorously recounts her childhood song about the traditional path to love and marriage, highlighting the simplicity and naivety of childhood beliefs.
  • 🔄 She describes her own life as a series of marriages and divorces, emphasizing the complexity of real-life relationships compared to the childhood song.
  • 💔 The speaker acknowledges being married and divorced three times, which some might view as a failure in relationships, but she sees it as a learning experience.
  • 🤔 After her third marriage ended, she realized she had been marrying the wrong person — herself — and that self-love and self-marriage are essential for healthy relationships.
  • 💍 The concept of 'marrying yourself' is introduced as a commitment to oneself, symbolized by putting a ring on it, which means fully committing to oneself.
  • 🕊️ The speaker explains that marrying oneself means recognizing one's wholeness and not seeking external validation to feel complete.
  • 🤝 She shares her personal background of being from a troubled family and how it influenced her early desire to get married to avoid being left alone.
  • 💔 The speaker candidly discusses her failed marriages and the painful honesty required to truly marry oneself.
  • 📜 She outlines the vows of self-marriage, including loving oneself in all circumstances, forgiving oneself, and being there for oneself through life's challenges.
  • 💖 The transformational power of self-marriage is highlighted, as it allows one to love others more authentically and without the need for external validation.
  • ✨ The speaker concludes by sharing how self-marriage has positively impacted her current relationships and her approach to life, emphasizing self-sufficiency and self-love.
Q & A

  • What is the childhood song mentioned in the beginning of the script and what does it imply about relationships?

    -The childhood song mentioned is about Tracy and someone sitting in a tree, with the lyrics 'k-i-s-s-i-n-g'. It implies a traditional view of relationships where love leads to marriage and then to having children, depicted by the baby in a baby carriage.

  • How does the speaker describe their life compared to the childhood song?

    -The speaker describes their life as 'slightly more complicated' than the simple progression suggested by the song, having experienced love, marriage, divorce, dry spells, co-parenting, and multiple marriages and divorces.

  • What realization did the speaker have after the collapse of their third marriage?

    -The speaker realized that they had been marrying everyone except the one person they needed to marry to have a great relationship: themselves.

  • What does the concept of 'marrying yourself' mean to the speaker?

    -Marry yourself means entering into a committed relationship with oneself, recognizing and accepting one's wholeness, and understanding that no external factor can make you more complete because you already are whole.

  • How does the speaker's background influence their desire to never be left?

    -The speaker's background, having been in numerous foster homes and having parents with troubled lives, instilled in them a strong desire to never be left, which they initially sought to achieve through marriage.

  • What are the vows the speaker suggests one should take when marrying oneself?

    -The vows include marrying oneself for richer or poorer (loving oneself as is), for better or for worse (staying with oneself through life's disappointments), in sickness and in health (forgiving oneself for mistakes), and to have and to hold oneself (loving oneself the way one wants to be loved by others).

  • How does the speaker's perspective on relationships change after marrying themselves?

    -After marrying themselves, the speaker is able to love others in a new way, accepting and loving people for who they are, and focusing on how they can contribute positively to relationships rather than seeking validation or completion from others.

  • What is the significance of the speaker's third marriage in their journey of self-discovery?

    -The third marriage, which ended tragically, was significant because it led the speaker to understand the importance of self-reliance and self-care, teaching them to be a person they could count on.

  • How does the speaker's approach to dating change after marrying themselves?

    -The speaker's approach to dating changes to being more focused on their own feelings and well-being rather than seeking validation or trying to make someone else like them.

  • What is the speaker's current relationship status and how does it reflect their journey of self-marriage?

    -The speaker is currently dating someone and enjoying the relationship without needing it for security or validation. They are not desperate to hear a marriage proposal because they have already made a commitment to themselves.

  • What is the speaker's new 'job' in life after realizing they had everything they needed within themselves?

    -The speaker's new 'job' is to light up their corner of the world, contributing positively to their social communities, business, and personal relationships without needing anything in return.

Outlines
00:00
🎤 Reflecting on Life and Relationships

The speaker reminisces about a childhood song that seemed to lay out the sequence of life—love, marriage, and children. She humorously contrasts this simple view with her own more complex life experience, which included multiple marriages and divorces. Despite society viewing her as a failure in relationships, she believes she was just marrying the wrong people. She emphasizes the importance of self-marriage and commitment to oneself for achieving true relationship success.

05:03
🔍 Understanding Self-Commitment

The speaker delves into what it means to marry oneself. She outlines the vows one should take when committing to self-love, including accepting oneself as they are, through all circumstances, and forgiving oneself for past mistakes. She explains how life provides opportunities for personal growth through challenges, and how committing to oneself can lead to realizing one's wholeness and ability to navigate life independently and resiliently.

10:03
💡 Transforming Relationships Through Self-Love

The speaker shares how marrying oneself can transform all areas of life by fostering self-love and acceptance. This transformation allows one to love others genuinely and fully. She discusses her journey to realizing self-worth and how it positively impacts her relationships, including a recent experience where she focused on her feelings rather than seeking approval. The speaker concludes by affirming that her most important relationship is with herself, which brings fulfillment and stability.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Marriage
Marriage, in this context, refers to the legal and social union between two individuals. It is a central theme of the video, as the speaker discusses her personal experiences with multiple marriages and divorces. The speaker uses her own journey to explore the idea that a successful relationship with oneself is foundational to having successful relationships with others.
💡Self-love
Self-love is the concept of having a deep affection for oneself, which is a key message in the video. The speaker emphasizes the importance of loving oneself unconditionally, as it is a prerequisite for being whole and for having healthy relationships with others. She illustrates this by sharing her realization that she needed to 'marry' herself first to achieve wholeness and self-acceptance.
💡Relationships
Relationships encompass the various connections and interactions between individuals, which is a core topic in the video. The speaker reflects on her past romantic relationships and how they were influenced by her childhood and fear of abandonment. The concept of 'marrying oneself' is presented as a way to transform and improve all types of relationships, including personal and professional ones.
💡Co-parenting
Co-parenting refers to the shared responsibility of raising a child by two or more individuals who are not in a romantic relationship. The speaker mentions co-parenting as part of her life experiences, indicating that despite her marital failures, she maintains a functional and cooperative relationship with her ex-partner for the sake of their child.
💡Inner Work
Inner work is the process of self-reflection and personal growth that the speaker discusses as essential for overcoming life's challenges. It involves confronting one's fears, insecurities, and past experiences to achieve a better understanding of oneself. The speaker suggests that by doing inner work, one can transform their challenges into strengths and sources of wisdom to offer to others.
💡Wholeness
Wholeness is the state of being complete and undivided, both in a physical and emotional sense. In the video, the speaker talks about the realization that she was already whole before she started the process of 'marrying herself.' This concept is pivotal as it shifts the speaker's perspective from seeking external validation to embracing self-acceptance and self-sufficiency.
💡Vows
Vows are solemn promises or commitments, typically made in the context of a marriage ceremony. The speaker reframes the concept of vows in the context of 'marrying oneself,' outlining personal commitments such as loving oneself through all life's stages, forgiving oneself, and being a source of support to oneself. These vows symbolize a lifelong dedication to self-love and self-improvement.
💡Foster Care
Foster care is a system in which a minor has been placed into a ward, group home, or private home of a certified caregiver due to abuse, neglect, or other reasons. The speaker mentions being placed in foster care at a young age, which significantly impacted her life and shaped her goal to never be left, leading her to seek stability through marriage.
💡Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness is the act of pardoning oneself for past mistakes or perceived failures. The speaker discusses the importance of self-forgiveness in the process of 'marrying oneself,' as it allows for personal growth and the learning from past experiences. It is a crucial step in healing and moving forward in life.
💡Authenticity
Authenticity is the state of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. In the video, the speaker's journey towards authenticity involves being honest with herself about her past actions and her need for self-love. Authenticity is highlighted as a key outcome of the process of marrying oneself, allowing the speaker to engage with others in a genuine and open way.
💡Personal Growth
Personal growth refers to the process of improving and developing one's own qualities, abilities, and understanding. The speaker's narrative is one of personal growth, as she moves from a pattern of failed marriages to a place of self-awareness and self-love. This growth is demonstrated through her commitment to herself and her ability to form healthier relationships with others.
Highlights

The speaker humorously reflects on the childhood song about the traditional sequence of love, marriage, and family.

Shares her personal journey of three marriages and subsequent divorces, challenging the notion of failure in relationships.

Introduces the concept of 'marrying yourself' as a transformative idea for personal growth and healthier relationships.

Explains the process of marrying oneself as a commitment to building a relationship with oneself, recognizing one's wholeness.

The speaker candidly discusses her childhood, including being placed in foster care and having parents with troubled backgrounds.

Reveals her childhood goal to never be left, which led to a series of marriages in an attempt to secure a family.

Expresses the realization that she needed to marry herself to have successful relationships.

Outlines the vows of self-marriage, including marrying for richer or poorer, accepting oneself unconditionally.

Discusses the vow of marrying for better or for worse, emphasizing the importance of self-love through life's disappointments.

Talks about marrying in sickness and in health, signifying the need to forgive oneself and learn from mistakes.

Describes the vow to have and to hold oneself, which means loving oneself in the way one desires to be loved by others.

Explains how marrying oneself impacts all areas of life, including business, family, and social relationships.

Shares her new perspective on dating and relationships, focusing on self-love and presence rather than seeking external validation.

The speaker describes her current relationship status and how her self-marriage has changed her approach to dating.

Concludes with a powerful message about the importance of self-commitment and the joy of being married to oneself.

Transcripts

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Self-MarriageRelationship AdvicePersonal GrowthEmotional HealingLove YourselfLife LessonsMarriage InsightsSelf-LoveInner WorkAuthentic Living