Adult bullying: The epidemic no one talks about | Kevin Ward | TEDxSantaBarbara

TEDx Talks
9 Oct 201814:36
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThe speaker shares a personal journey of enduring bullying from childhood into adulthood, highlighting the emotional and psychological toll it takes. He emphasizes the difference between childhood and adult bullying, the latter often being overlooked but equally damaging. The speaker outlines three hard-hitting truths about adult bullying and concludes with the message that overcoming it requires personal strength and confidence, not external policies or safe spaces.

Takeaways
  • 😀 The speaker's first encounter with bullying was on his first day of third grade, setting the tone for a recurring theme in his life.
  • 🤔 The idea that 'turning the other cheek' might not always be the best response to bullying is challenged through personal experiences.
  • 🥊 A pattern of bullying is established throughout the speaker's life, from childhood to adulthood, showing that bullying is not limited to school years.
  • 🏆 The speaker highlights the prevalence of adult bullying, suggesting it's a significant issue in various aspects of life, including the workplace and home.
  • 📉 The internal impact of bullying on an individual's self-worth, confidence, and dignity is underscored as being highly damaging.
  • 🤷‍♂️ The speaker's realization that the fear of conflict and the feeling of helplessness are often more paralyzing than the bullies themselves.
  • 💡 Personal strength and confidence are presented as the key to overcoming the fear and oppression caused by bullying.
  • 📚 The importance of self-improvement through reading, attending workshops, and facing one's fears is emphasized as a path to gaining control over one's life.
  • 💪 Becoming 'bully-proof' is likened to physical strength training, requiring hard work and personal commitment.
  • 🛡️ The concept of creating one's own 'safe space' through internal fortitude rather than relying on external policies or environments is introduced.
  • 🎯 The speaker concludes that the solution to bullying lies in individual empowerment and not in seeking revenge or becoming a bully oneself.
Q & A

  • What was the speaker's first experience with bullying like?

    -The speaker's first experience with bullying occurred on his first day of third grade after moving to a new town. He was approached by a boy who challenged him to a fight, resulting in the speaker being in a headlock and receiving punches, ultimately breaking his new glasses.

  • What advice did the speaker's mother give him after the playground incident?

    -The speaker's mother advised him not to fight back, to turn the other cheek, and assured him that kids like that would eventually leave him alone.

  • How did the speaker's experiences with bullying continue throughout his school years?

    -The speaker experienced bullying from various individuals throughout his school years, including Colin in fourth grade, Greg the following year, Santos in junior high, and multiple bullies in high school, culminating with daily punches from a student named Raul.

  • What was the speaker's first encounter with an adult bully?

    -The speaker's first encounter with an adult bully was during his senior year of high school when he moved to a new town and joined a basketball team. The coach, Coach Reeves, treated him as an intruder and benched him permanently after he missed a layup in a game.

  • How did the speaker's approach to handling bullying affect his personal life?

    -The speaker's approach to handling bullying, which was to avoid conflict and turn the other cheek, extended into his personal life, including his marriage. This led to 17 years of marriage without a single fight with his wife but also resulted in unresolved issues that eventually exploded.

  • What is the speaker's definition of adult bullying?

    -Adult bullying, according to the speaker, is a form of oppression that includes subtle threats and actions designed to demean and belittle the victim, often manifesting in the workplace, at home, in the community, and even in politics.

  • What statistics did the speaker provide regarding adult bullying in the United States?

    -The speaker cited a survey of 2,000 adults across the US, where 31% reported being bullied as adults. Additionally, a survey of 9,000 federal employees revealed that 57% had been bullied in the last two years.

  • What are the three hard-hitting truths the speaker learned about adult bullying?

    -The three truths are: 1) Adult bullying is deeply personal to the victim, 2) It instills a profound sense of helplessness, and 3) Adult bullying is fixable, but the solution must come from within the individual.

  • How did the speaker overcome his fear and stop being bullied?

    -The speaker overcame his fear by taking control of his life. He started by going skydiving to confront his fear of heights, then reading, attending workshops and seminars, and facing his fears step by step, which helped him grow in personal strength and confidence.

  • What is the speaker's advice for those who are being bullied?

    -The speaker advises those being bullied to take action, such as reading, attending seminars, joining a self-defense class, or learning martial arts to build the courage and confidence needed to take control of their lives and become their own safe space.

  • What message does the speaker convey about the nature of personal strength and confidence?

    -The speaker emphasizes that personal strength and confidence are the true safe spaces because they can be carried everywhere, unlike external safe spaces which bullies can still invade.

Outlines
00:00
🤓 Childhood Bullying and the Impact of Non-Resistance

The first paragraph describes the narrator's experience of being bullied on his first day of third grade after moving to a new town. Despite his mother's advice to not fight back and 'turn the other cheek,' the bullying continued through various stages of his life, including from a coach in high school and into his adult life, affecting his self-esteem and relationships. The paragraph highlights the emotional and psychological toll of enduring bullying without standing up for oneself.

05:01
😔 The Prevalence and Personal Impact of Adult Bullying

The second paragraph delves into the reality of adult bullying, which is not limited to the workplace but extends to homes, communities, and even politics. Surveys reveal significant percentages of adults who have experienced bullying. The emotional and psychological damage inflicted by bullying is profound, affecting self-worth, confidence, and dignity. The narrator emphasizes the personal nature of bullying and the feeling of helplessness it induces, which can lead to severe consequences such as depression and suicide.

10:02
💪 Overcoming Fear and Becoming Bully-Proof

The final paragraph discusses the narrator's journey to overcome the fear and internalized bullying that had controlled his life. He shares the realization that the solution to bullying lies within the individual, not in external policies or safe spaces. The narrator's personal turning point was skydiving, which symbolized his decision to confront his fears. He encourages others to take action by reading, attending workshops, learning self-defense, and mastering skills that build personal strength and confidence, becoming one's own safe space and not waiting for external rescue.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Bullying
Bullying is the repeated use of force or coercion to affect others, typically in a negative way. In the video's context, it is a central theme depicting the speaker's personal experiences with various forms of bullying from childhood to adulthood. The script illustrates bullying through physical violence in school and emotional abuse in personal and professional relationships.
💡Adventure
Adventure is a thrilling or exciting experience that is typically a bold, sometimes risky undertaking. The term is used by the speaker to describe the feeling of starting third grade in a new town with a new school and friends, symbolizing a new beginning and an opportunity for exploration.
💡Glasses
Glasses, in this context, refer to eyewear for vision correction. They are significant as they are a symbol of the speaker's vulnerability and the first instance of bullying experienced. The broken glasses represent the physical impact of bullying on the speaker's life.
💡Turning the other cheek
Turning the other cheek is a metaphorical phrase derived from Christian teachings, suggesting a policy of non-retaliation in response to an attack. The speaker's mother advises this approach to dealing with bullies, emphasizing a passive response to aggression, which is a key part of the speaker's early life philosophy.
💡Intruder
An intruder is someone who enters or is present where they are not wanted or do not belong. The term is used to describe how the speaker felt in his senior year when he joined a new basketball team and was perceived as an outsider by the coach, leading to unfair treatment.
💡Fear
Fear is an emotional response to perceived or imagined danger. The video discusses fear as a driving force behind the speaker's inability to stand up to bullies. It is depicted as a personal enemy that the speaker had to confront and overcome to deal with bullying effectively.
💡Self-worth
Self-worth refers to the intrinsic value and self-respect one holds for oneself. The script highlights how bullying can severely damage a person's self-worth, leading to a decrease in confidence and feelings of worthlessness, particularly in the context of adult bullying in the workplace and personal relationships.
💡Adult Bullying
Adult bullying encompasses aggressive behaviors exhibited by adults, often in professional or personal settings. The video defines it as a significant issue that extends beyond schoolyard incidents, affecting individuals in various aspects of their adult lives, including the workplace and home.
💡Self-defense
Self-defense is the act of protecting oneself from physical harm. In the narrative, the speaker suggests that learning self-defense is a metaphor for developing personal strength and the ability to stand up against bullies, which is a critical step in overcoming the fear and helplessness associated with bullying.
💡Safe space
A safe space is an environment in which a person feels secure and protected from harm or discomfort. The video critiques the concept of safe spaces as an ineffective solution to bullying, arguing that true safety comes from internal strength and confidence rather than external environments.
💡Personal strength
Personal strength refers to the inner resilience and fortitude one possesses. The speaker's journey emphasizes building personal strength as the key to overcoming bullying. It is depicted as a process of self-improvement and facing fears, which ultimately leads to the speaker no longer being a victim of bullying.
Highlights

The speaker's first day of third grade was marked by a bullying incident that broke his new glasses, leading to a lifelong struggle with bullying.

The speaker's mother advised him to turn the other cheek and not fight back, a lesson that influenced his response to future bullying.

Bullying continued throughout the speaker's school years, affecting his self-esteem and confidence.

Adult bullying was described as pervasive, occurring in various settings including the workplace and home.

A significant number of adults reported being bullied, with 31% in a survey of 2,000 adults and 57% of 9,000 federal employees.

The emotional and psychological damage of bullying was emphasized, affecting self-worth, confidence, and dignity.

The speaker's realization that bullying is a deeply personal issue, often dismissed by those who have not experienced it.

The feeling of helplessness in the face of bullying was highlighted as a major issue, leading to fear and anxiety.

The speaker's personal journey of overcoming fear and bullying by taking control of his life.

The ineffectiveness of anti-bullying policies and the need for an internal solution to bullying.

The importance of personal strength and confidence as the ultimate safe space against bullying.

The speaker's experience with skydiving as a turning point in overcoming his fear and taking control.

The necessity for individuals to face their fears and build personal strength to combat bullying.

The speaker's engagement in self-improvement activities such as reading, attending workshops, and walking on fire.

The distinction between becoming bully-proof and becoming a bully, emphasizing non-aggressive self-defense.

The empowerment message that anyone, regardless of age, can develop the strength and confidence to be bully-proof.

The conclusion that personal strength and confidence are the keys to overcoming bullying and living a fearless life.

Transcripts

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Bullying AwarenessPersonal GrowthSelf-DefenseEmotional ImpactChildhood TraumaAdult BullyingWorkplace IssuesSelf-ConfidenceFear ConquestEmpowering Stories