What Makes a Great Father? | Mark Trahan | TEDxTexasStateUniversity

TEDx Talks

14 Dec 201617:03

EducationalLearning

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TLDRThe speaker shares a deeply personal journey of feeling trapped and disconnected from his father, leading to a transformative men's retreat experience. He delves into the impact of father absence on children's well-being and societal issues, highlighting the importance of active, engaged fathering. Through research, he discovers that a father's confidence is key to effective parenting. The speaker encourages reflection on father-child relationships, reinforcing positive behaviors, and broadening the concept of fatherhood beyond just discipline and teaching.

Takeaways

😔 The speaker felt trapped and disconnected from his father after his parents' separation, which had a profound impact on his identity and self-confidence.
🧐 The speaker's research into fathering began as a personal journey to understand his relationship with his father and has expanded into a broader study of father-child relationships.
👨‍👦 The importance of an active and engaged father figure is highlighted, as children with such fathers are more likely to have higher income levels, education, and better life outcomes.
🤔 The speaker's personal struggle with fatherhood began when he became a father himself, realizing the challenges and the need for a shift in perspective on what it means to be a father.
📊 Key statistics are presented, such as the high percentage of children born to single, unwed mothers, indicating a societal trend that affects the role of fathers.
🔍 The speaker's research revealed that a father's confidence in his parenting abilities is a significant factor in being an engaged parent.
😢 The speaker's own experiences with feeling unprepared and overwhelmed as a new father led to a reevaluation of his approach to fathering.
💡 A shift in philosophy is proposed, where fathering is less about performance and more about unconditional love and presence, even in difficult moments.
🤝 The speaker suggests that mothers play a crucial role in reinforcing and guiding fathers in their parenting roles.
🤔 The audience is encouraged to reflect on their relationships with their fathers and consider the impact of those relationships on their lives.
🙏 The speaker expresses gratitude to individuals who have supported and influenced his journey as a father and researcher.

Q & A

What was the speaker's emotional state when standing in the middle of the circle of men?
-The speaker felt trapped, paralyzed, and completely frozen, unable to respond to the question asked.
What significant event in the speaker's life led to a sense of betrayal?
-The separation of the speaker's parents when he was 15 years old led to feelings of betrayal, as his father, who was his hero, was suddenly gone.
How did the speaker's father's invitation to a men's retreat initially affect him?
-Initially, the speaker was reluctant and said no multiple times, but eventually he agreed to attend the retreat.
What was the focus of the men's retreat that the speaker attended?
-The focus of the retreat was on helping men to support other men, which was intense and transformative for the speaker.
What realization did the speaker have about his relationship with his father during the retreat?
-The speaker realized that despite knowing his father, he never really knew him and that something inside him broke during the retreat, leading to a deep emotional response.
What are some of the deep questions that people might have related to their fathers?
-Some deep questions include whether their fathers wanted them, approved of them, hurt them, loved them, or gave them their blessing.
How does the speaker describe the impact of having an active, engaged father on a child's life?
-Children with active, engaged fathers are more likely to have higher income levels, higher education levels, better adjustment to situations, less depression, and are more likely to move past at-risk behaviors.
What concerns did the speaker have specifically related to fatherhood in the context of divorce and single unwed mothers?
-The speaker was concerned about the impact of divorce on children seeing their fathers infrequently and the high percentage of births to single unwed mothers, which could affect how fathering is perceived and practiced.
What was the most significant factor that emerged from the speaker's research on engaged fathering?
-The level of confidence a father has in his ability to be a parent was the most significant factor that emerged from the research.
How did the speaker's perception of fatherhood change after becoming a father himself?
-The speaker realized that fatherhood is not about performance but about wholeheartedly loving the child, even in the most difficult moments, without expectation.
What advice does the speaker offer to mothers regarding their role in reinforcing father involvement?
-The speaker advises mothers to reinforce fathers by acknowledging and celebrating the positive things they do, as this will encourage fathers to continue being involved.
What role does the speaker suggest fathers should consider expanding beyond being a disciplinarian or teacher?
-The speaker suggests fathers should consider expanding their role to include teaching their children about love, affection, spirituality, and being there in sacrificial moments.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Struggle with Fatherhood and Identity

The speaker shares a deeply personal experience of feeling trapped and frozen during a men's retreat, confronted with the absence of his father during his childhood. He describes the emotional turmoil of growing up with a father who was physically present but emotionally distant, especially after his parents' separation. This led to feelings of betrayal and a search for identity and self-worth. The speaker's journey into fatherhood research began as a means to understand the importance of fathers in their children's lives and to seek answers to his own questions about his relationship with his father.

05:01

🤔 The Impact of Father Involvement on Children's Lives

This paragraph delves into the societal implications of father absence, highlighting research findings that show children with actively engaged fathers are more likely to succeed in various aspects of life, including income, education, and emotional well-being. The speaker discusses the negative outcomes associated with fatherlessness, such as increased risk of substance abuse and early pregnancy. He also addresses the challenges faced by fathers, particularly in the context of divorce and single motherhood, emphasizing the importance of reevaluating societal attitudes towards fathering.

10:01

😢 The Role of Confidence in Fathering

The speaker reflects on his own experiences as a new father, grappling with feelings of inadequacy and failure when unable to soothe his crying child. He connects this to broader research indicating that a father's confidence in his parenting abilities is a critical factor in engaged fathering. The realization that fathering is not about performance but about unconditional love, even in the most challenging moments, prompts a shift in the speaker's philosophy on fatherhood. He encourages fathers to embrace a sacrificial and honorable role in their children's lives.

15:02

🙏 Suggestions for Reflecting and Reinforcing Fatherhood

In the final paragraph, the speaker offers actionable advice for fathers and mothers to strengthen the father-child relationship. He suggests that fathers reflect on their own experiences and work through past pain to achieve healing and forgiveness. Mothers are encouraged to reinforce positive behaviors in fathers, celebrating their involvement and nurturing their confidence. The speaker also advises fathers to expand their roles beyond disciplinarian or teacher, emphasizing the importance of demonstrating love, affection, and spiritual connection to their children.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Connection

Connection refers to the bond or link between individuals, in this case, between a father and his child. In the video, the speaker reflects on moments of connection with his father and how the separation of his parents affected this bond. The theme of connection is central to the narrative, as it explores the importance of maintaining and understanding these relationships.

💡Betrayal

Betrayal is the act of breaking a trust or expectation, often causing emotional pain. The speaker in the video describes feeling betrayed when his father, whom he viewed as a hero, became less present in his life after his parents' separation. This sense of betrayal is tied to the broader theme of the emotional impact of father absence.

💡Confidence

Confidence is a belief in one's own abilities or qualities. The speaker discusses a lack of confidence in his identity and adequacy, which he later connects to his own experiences as a father. The concept of confidence is highlighted as a key factor in fathering, where a father's self-assurance in his parenting abilities is crucial.

💡Men's Retreat

A men's retreat is a gathering designed for men to engage in activities that promote personal growth, bonding, and introspection. The speaker recounts attending a men's retreat at the age of 22, which was a transformative experience where he confronted his feelings towards his father and began to understand the importance of male bonding and support.

💡Father Absence

Father absence refers to the lack of an active, engaged father figure in a child's life. The video discusses the negative impacts of father absence on children, such as lower income levels, less education, and higher risks of depression and substance abuse. This concept is central to the speaker's research and personal journey.

💡Reflection

Reflection is the process of thinking deeply about one's experiences, feelings, and beliefs. The speaker encourages viewers to reflect on their relationships with their fathers, to work through past pain, and to find a path to forgiveness and competence. Reflection is presented as a tool for personal growth and understanding.

💡Reinforcement

Reinforcement in the context of the video refers to the act of supporting or encouraging someone's behavior, often to promote positive change. The speaker suggests that mothers can reinforce fathers in their roles by acknowledging and celebrating their contributions to parenting, which can help build a father's confidence and engagement.

💡Role

Role refers to the function or part that someone plays in a particular situation. The speaker discusses the traditional roles fathers might take on, such as disciplinarian or teacher, and encourages expanding these roles to include emotional support, affection, and spiritual guidance. The concept of role is integral to redefining what it means to be a father.

💡Sacrifice

Sacrifice is the act of giving up something valuable for the sake of something else, often without expecting anything in return. The speaker talks about the need for fathers to be present in sacrificial moments, to love their children unconditionally, even in difficult times. This concept of sacrifice is central to the speaker's evolved understanding of fatherhood.

💡Research

Research in this video refers to the systematic investigation and study of materials and sources to establish facts and reach new conclusions. The speaker, identifying as a 'father researcher,' has conducted studies to understand the impact of father figures and the factors that contribute to engaged fathering, such as confidence.

💡Identity

Identity refers to the characteristics determining who or what a person or thing is. The speaker mentions struggling with his identity, feeling inadequate, and questioning his place in the world. This struggle with identity is tied to the broader theme of self-discovery and the search for meaning in one's role as a son and later as a father.

Highlights

The speaker feels trapped in a circle of men and is asked why they are there, leading to a moment of self-realization.

The speaker's research into fathering began five years ago but has personal roots from childhood.

A deep emotional connection with the speaker's father was disrupted by their parents' separation.

The speaker's father invited him to a men's retreat, which he initially refused but later attended.

The retreat focused on helping men support each other, leading to an intense personal experience for the speaker.

A pivotal moment occurred when the speaker was confronted by his father during the retreat, triggering a deep emotional response.

The speaker's work as a father researcher has shown the significant impact of father involvement on children's lives.

Children with engaged fathers are more likely to have higher income levels, education, and better life adjustments.

The speaker discusses the societal issues of divorce and single unwed mothers, and their impact on father-child relationships.

The speaker's survey across the United States identified father confidence as a key factor in engaged fathering.

The speaker's personal struggle with fatherhood and the realization that it's not about performance but love and presence.

The speaker's shift in philosophy about fathering, moving from performance-based to love-based involvement with his child.

Suggestions for reflection on one's relationship with their father and the importance of working through past pain.

Advice for mothers to reinforce and support fathers in their parenting roles.

Encouragement for fathers to expand their roles beyond just disciplinarian or teacher to include emotional and spiritual guidance.

The speaker thanks significant individuals in his life who have supported and reinforced his journey as a father.

Transcripts

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Takeaways

Q & A

What was the speaker's emotional state when standing in the middle of the circle of men?

What significant event in the speaker's life led to a sense of betrayal?

How did the speaker's father's invitation to a men's retreat initially affect him?

What was the focus of the men's retreat that the speaker attended?

What realization did the speaker have about his relationship with his father during the retreat?

What are some of the deep questions that people might have related to their fathers?

How does the speaker describe the impact of having an active, engaged father on a child's life?

What concerns did the speaker have specifically related to fatherhood in the context of divorce and single unwed mothers?

What was the most significant factor that emerged from the speaker's research on engaged fathering?

How did the speaker's perception of fatherhood change after becoming a father himself?

What advice does the speaker offer to mothers regarding their role in reinforcing father involvement?

What role does the speaker suggest fathers should consider expanding beyond being a disciplinarian or teacher?