Men Need To Talk About Their Sexual Abuse | Seth Shelley | TEDxUNBC
TLDRThe speaker shares a deeply personal narrative of growing up in a rural community where traditional masculinity was highly valued, and the devastating impact of sexual abuse during his adolescence. He describes the internal conflict he faced, feeling like a 'mouse' despite societal expectations to be a 'man'. The speaker challenges the audience to move beyond broad narratives and stereotypes, emphasizing the importance of individual stories and identities. He calls for a culture of honest storytelling and active listening, which he believes is essential for healing and building healthy communities. By sharing his own story, he aims to reclaim his identity and encourages others to do the same, fostering a deeper understanding and connection within the community.
Takeaways
- 👴 The speaker's grandfather was a significant influence in his life, embodying the 'ideal man' and imparting wisdom through memorable phrases like 'Are you a man or a mouse?'
- 🏠 The family's immigrant background and large family size were central to the speaker's identity, with a shared experience of resilience and strength.
- 🤔 The phrase 'Are you a man or a mouse?' initially caused confusion and shame in the speaker, reflecting societal expectations of masculinity.
- 🏒 The community's shared activities and values, such as working in tobacco fields, playing hockey, and attending church, shaped the speaker's early understanding of identity.
- 🌱 Identity formation starts early in life, with broad strokes of self-concept established before the age of five.
- 🚫 The experience of sexual abuse during adolescence drastically altered the speaker's perception of himself and his community, challenging previously held narratives.
- 🗣️ The abuser introduced a new, damaging narrative, instilling self-blame and disbelief in the speaker, highlighting the power of language in shaping reality.
- 🧍♂️ The societal misconception that 'real men' cannot be victims of sexual assault further isolated the speaker, reflecting the broader issue of gender stereotypes.
- 📉 The stigma and silence around male sexual abuse contribute to a lack of understanding and support, with statistics suggesting one in six males may experience it.
- 📖 The importance of storytelling in culture and individual identity is emphasized, with the speaker advocating for the sharing of personal narratives over accepting imposed ones.
- 🌈 The speaker calls for a community that listens, shares, and values individual stories, fostering a healthier environment for identity and healing.
Q & A
What was the speaker's relationship with his grandfather?
-The speaker's grandfather was an important figure in his life, someone he looked up to and considered the ideal man. He was an immigrant farmer who raised a large family, including the speaker's father.
What was the significance of the phrase 'Are you a man or a mouse?' in the speaker's childhood?
-This phrase was used by the speaker's grandfather to challenge the children in the family when they complained or got upset. It was meant to encourage them to be strong and resilient, embodying the characteristics of a 'man' rather than a 'mouse'.
How did the speaker's community shape his identity?
-The speaker's rural community in southern Ontario had a strong influence on his identity. It was characterized by hard work, such as picking tobacco, playing hockey, and attending the local church. The community's narrative was that they were tough, especially the Shelleys, which shaped the speaker's understanding of what it meant to be a man.
What traumatic event occurred in the speaker's life during his adolescence?
-The speaker was sexually abused by a friend of the family during his adolescence. This abuse continued over the course of a summer and had a profound impact on his understanding of himself and the world around him.
How did the speaker's abuser manipulate his perception of the abuse?
-The abuser introduced a new narrative to the speaker, using one-liners like 'This is all your fault' and 'No one's ever going to believe you.' These statements were designed to make the speaker feel responsible for the abuse and to discourage him from seeking help.
Why did the speaker initially struggle to understand and share his experience of sexual abuse?
-The speaker struggled because his understanding of sexual abuse was that it only happened to girls or by strangers, and he was not aware that boys could be victims too. Additionally, societal norms and the narrative of masculinity in his community made it difficult for him to see himself as a victim.
What misconceptions did the speaker encounter about male sexual abuse?
-The speaker encountered the misconception that 'real men are strong' and 'real men don't get raped.' This societal belief made it difficult for him to acknowledge his own victimhood and to seek help.
How did the speaker's community's response to a female relative's disclosure of abuse affect his decision to remain silent?
-The community labeled the female relative as a 'mouse' and made negative assumptions about her future, which the speaker feared would also happen to him if he disclosed his abuse. This fear kept him silent about his own experience.
What is the current statistical likelihood of a male experiencing sexual violence in their lifetime?
-Current statistics reflect that about one in six males will experience some form of sexual violence at some point in their life. However, the actual number might be higher due to the stigma associated with reporting such incidents.
How does the speaker suggest we should approach understanding others in our community?
-The speaker suggests that instead of asking 'Are you a man or a mouse?', we should ask 'What's your story?' This approach values individual experiences and fosters a deeper understanding and connection within the community.
What is the speaker's ultimate challenge to the audience?
-The speaker challenges the audience to share their own stories, to listen to others, and to reject the societal narratives that may not fit their personal experiences. He encourages everyone to write their own unique stories and to create a community where individuals can embrace their identities.
Why is storytelling important to the speaker and to the health of a community?
-Storytelling is important to the speaker because it allows individuals to share their unique experiences and identities. For a community, storytelling is crucial as it is the core of any culture and helps to avoid the loss of individuality and the slow death of community spirit.
Outlines
😔 The Impact of Family and Community Narratives
The first paragraph introduces the speaker's grandfather, a significant figure who embodied the ideal man for the speaker. As an immigrant farmer, he raised a large family and passed on wisdom through sayings like, 'Are you a man or a mouse?' This phrase, though meant to be motivational, left the speaker feeling inadequate. The paragraph also touches on the community's expectations and the pressure to conform to them. The speaker's identity was shaped by these narratives until a traumatic event - sexual abuse during adolescence - challenged his understanding of himself and the world. The abuser's manipulation and the community's stereotypes about masculinity left the speaker feeling isolated and confused, unable to reconcile his experience with the identity he was expected to uphold.
😢 The Suppressed Reality of Male Sexual Abuse
The second paragraph delves into the speaker's struggle to share his experience of sexual abuse and the societal misconceptions that prevent open discussion about male victims. The speaker recounts the community's negative reaction to a female relative's disclosure of abuse, reinforcing the idea that victims, especially males, are perceived as weak. The paragraph highlights the prevalence of male sexual abuse and the importance of breaking the silence surrounding it. The speaker emphasizes the broader societal issue of narratives overshadowing individual experiences and the need for honest storytelling as a means of preserving cultural identity and community health. The pressure to conform to the 'strong man' narrative led the speaker to internalize his abuse as a personal failure, further complicating his journey towards self-discovery and healing.
🌟 The Power of Sharing Stories for Healing and Identity
The third paragraph focuses on the transformative power of sharing personal stories and the importance of listening to others, particularly indigenous voices. The speaker discusses the devastating effects of silencing stories on communities and the significance of individual narratives in shaping a collective identity. By sharing his own story of abuse, the speaker aims to reclaim his identity and challenge the misconceptions that have defined him. He calls for a shift from imposing narratives to fostering a culture of sharing and listening, which can lead to deeper connections, personal growth, and community health. The speaker concludes with a challenge to value and seek out the stories of others, rather than judging them by narrow societal standards, thereby promoting empathy, understanding, and a more inclusive community.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Identity
💡Sexual Abuse
💡Narrative
💡Community
💡Misconceptions
💡Stigma
💡Resilience
💡Storytelling
💡Healing
💡Listening
💡Empowerment
Highlights
The speaker's grandfather was an important figure in his life, embodying the ideal man and a successful immigrant farmer.
The grandfather's phrase 'Are you a man or a mouse?' was a recurring challenge to the speaker's identity and masculinity.
The speaker's family and rural community in southern Ontario shaped his identity through shared activities and values.
The onset of adolescence brought a traumatic sexual abuse experience that challenged the speaker's understanding of himself and his community.
The abuser imposed a new narrative on the speaker, instilling guilt and disbelief in the possibility of male victimhood.
The speaker struggled with the societal expectation that 'real men' are strong and not victims of sexual assault.
The speaker's confusion and feelings of inadequacy led to a period of anger and suppressed emotion in his early teen years.
A female relative's disclosure of her own abuse and the community's negative response highlighted the stigma and misconceptions surrounding abuse victims.
Statistics reveal that approximately one in six males experience sexual violence, suggesting underreporting due to societal stigma.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of individual narratives over broad societal expectations in shaping personal identity.
The speaker's journey of self-discovery and healing was facilitated by sharing his own story and challenging imposed narratives.
Misconceptions can steal from individuals' stories and rob them of their identities, as seen in the experiences of Indigenous Canadians.
Storytelling is central to culture and community, and losing the ability to share personal experiences can lead to a loss of community identity.
The speaker advocates for creating safe spaces within communities where individuals can share, listen, and embrace their unique identities.
Sharing stories can lead to deeper connections, healing, and a more accurate understanding of one another within a community.
The speaker challenges the audience to share their own stories and to listen to others, thereby enriching the community and breaking down misconceptions.
The speaker wishes to engage in a dialogue with his grandfather about their stories, emphasizing the value of intergenerational storytelling.
Transcripts
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