How not to take things personally? | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen
TLDRIn this inspiring speech, the speaker, a football referee, shares personal insights on how to stop taking things personally. Despite earning only 20 euros per match, the speaker's motivation stems from a desire to stay in shape and learn to not internalize negative feedback. The talk delves into the role of ego in our reactions to others' actions and the importance of understanding that most behaviors are not about us but about the other person's intentions or circumstances. The speaker outlines two strategies: first, considering the other person's perspective to avoid personalization, and second, if the first fails, acknowledging that it might be about one's own insecurities and addressing them with self-compassion and communication. The speech concludes with a call to action to apply these strategies to enhance interpersonal relationships and create a more harmonious world.
Takeaways
- 📚 The speaker chose to become a football referee not for monetary gain but to stay in shape and learn not to take things personally.
- 🗣️ As a referee, the speaker faces constant criticism and is often blamed, which is a situation that can teach one not to take things personally.
- 🚗 The speaker admits to taking minor inconveniences personally, such as being honked at while driving slowly, which is something they want to overcome.
- 🤔 The speaker suggests that when we take things personally, it's often because our ego is at play, seeking acknowledgment and not wanting to be criticized.
- 🙅♂️ The first strategy to not take things personally is to understand that the actions of others are not about us, but about their own intentions or situations.
- 👪 By shifting our focus from 'me' to 'we', we can create more understanding and less irritation in our interactions with others.
- 🧠 Our brains produce many more negative thoughts than positive ones, making it a challenge to always see the positive intention of others.
- 🤹♂️ The speaker uses the experience of refereeing to mentally train themselves not to take things personally, which can be a draining endeavor.
- 🪙 The speaker points out that if the first strategy doesn't work, it might mean that the issue is indeed about us, and we need to look inward and question our own insecurities or reactions.
- 💔 When criticism touches a raw nerve, it's often because it resonates with some truth or unresolved issue within us, which is the time for self-empathy.
- 💬 Speaking up about our feelings without blaming others can lead to better understanding and improved relationships.
- 🌟 The speaker encourages the audience to practice these strategies to enhance their relationships and contribute to a better world.
Q & A
What is the primary reason the speaker decided to become a football referee?
-The speaker decided to become a football referee not for the money, but to stay in good shape and to learn how not to take things personally.
How much does the speaker earn per match as a football referee?
-The speaker earns 20 euros per match as a football referee.
What is the first strategy the speaker suggests to stop taking things personally?
-The first strategy is to understand that the situation is not about oneself but about the other person and their intentions.
What does the speaker mean when they say 'it's not about me'?
-The speaker means that when someone reacts or behaves in a certain way, it's often due to their own circumstances or intentions, not a reflection of the speaker's worth or actions.
How does the speaker use their role as a football referee to train their brain not to take things personally?
-The speaker uses the act of refereeing as a weekly training session to practice not taking the spectators' and players' negative reactions personally.
What is the second strategy the speaker presents for dealing with taking things personally?
-The second strategy is to acknowledge that it is about oneself and to give oneself empathy, recognizing one's own insecurities and areas for growth.
Why does the speaker believe that taking things personally can be draining?
-The speaker believes that taking things personally leads to a constant struggle with the rest of the world, which drains one's energy and prevents experiencing harmony and connection with others.
What does the speaker suggest doing when the first strategy of not taking things personally doesn't work?
-When the first strategy doesn't work, the speaker suggests looking inward, questioning oneself, and addressing one's own insecurities or unacknowledged aspects of personality.
How does the speaker feel when spectators shout negative comments at them during a match?
-The speaker admits that some comments can hit a raw nerve and make them feel like a loser, but they use this as an opportunity to apply their strategy and not take it personally.
What is the significance of the coin toss in the context of the speaker's presentation?
-The coin toss symbolizes the two strategies for not taking things personally: heads representing 'it's not about me' and tails representing 'it is about me', which the audience can choose from.
Why does the speaker encourage the audience to take certain things personally in the coming hours and days?
-The speaker encourages the audience to take the strategies personally to test them out and practice applying them in their own lives, which can lead to better relationships and a better world.
What is the speaker's final message regarding personal value and criticism?
-The speaker's final message is that regardless of what others may say or do, one should always remember and recognize their own value, which is not diminished by others' criticisms or actions.
Outlines
😀 Introduction to Refereeing and Personal Growth
The speaker, María Constanza Cuevas, introduces herself as a football referee and shares her motivations for taking up the role, which are staying in shape and learning not to take things personally. She humorously dismisses the idea of refereeing for wealth, given the small pay. The speaker candidly discusses her personal struggles with taking things personally, such as when driving or being ignored as a public speaker. She sets the stage for a strategy to deal with such feelings and engages the audience by asking if they have experienced similar situations.
🤔 The Ego and the Choice of Happiness
The speaker delves into the concept of ego and how it influences our reactions to others' actions. She explains that our ego often seeks to be right and acknowledged, leading to a constant struggle and energy drain. The speaker proposes a shift in perspective, asking whether being right is more important than being happy. She introduces a metaphorical coin toss to represent two strategies for not taking things personally. The first strategy is realizing that events are not about oneself, and by understanding others' intentions, one can avoid negative emotions. The speaker encourages the audience to consider the other person's perspective and to shift focus from 'me' to 'we'.
🧠 Training the Brain for Positive Outlook
The speaker shares his personal experience as a referee, Frederik, to illustrate the process of training one's brain to avoid taking things personally. He talks about his mental preparation before matches, acknowledging that he will face criticism and that it's not about him but the other person's desire to win. Frederik admits that sometimes the criticism can hit a nerve, indicating that it is about him and his insecurities. He suggests that when the first strategy fails, it's time to self-reflect and show empathy towards oneself. The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's own flaws and speaking up about one's feelings without blaming others.
💪 Strategies for Personal Empowerment
The speaker concludes with two strategies to avoid taking things personally: understanding the other person's intention and, when that fails, giving oneself empathy and expressing one's feelings. He encourages the audience to practice these strategies to improve their relationships and contribute to a better world. Frederik humorously reminds the audience of the small financial incentive for referees, highlighting the value of personal growth over monetary gain. He ends on a powerful note, reminding everyone that regardless of what others say or do, one's inherent value remains unchanged.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Referee
💡Ego
💡Fair Play
💡Scapegoat
💡Personal Growth
💡Empathy
💡Positivity
💡Mindset
💡Insecurity
💡Strategy
💡Harmony
Highlights
The speaker emphasizes the importance of fair play, respect, and positivity in the football match.
The decision to become a football referee was motivated by personal growth rather than financial gain.
The speaker aims to stay in good shape and learn not to take things personally through refereeing.
Being a referee provides a unique environment to learn not to take criticism personally.
The speaker candidly shares personal experiences of taking everyday situations too personally.
The audience is reassured that they are safe from judgment during the talk, encouraging engagement.
The speaker introduces a strategy to deal with taking things personally, fostering a sense of anticipation.
The concept of ego is presented as a key factor in taking things personally and its negative impact on personal well-being.
The speaker contrasts the desire to be right with the pursuit of happiness, prompting self-reflection.
Two strategies are introduced to help the audience stop taking things personally: understanding others' intentions and self-empathy.
The speaker uses the metaphor of a coin toss to illustrate the two strategies for personal growth.
The importance of shifting focus from 'me' to 'we' is emphasized for a more harmonious interaction with others.
The speaker discusses the mental challenges of not taking things personally and the discipline required to change one's perspective.
The audience is encouraged to practice the strategies discussed to enhance their relationships and contribute to a better world.
The speaker humorously reflects on the value of the lessons learned as worth more than the monetary compensation received as a referee.
The talk concludes with a powerful message that one's value is inherent and not defined by others' opinions or actions.
Transcripts
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