I grew up in a cult. It was heaven -- and hell. | Lilia Tarawa | TEDxChristchurch

TEDx Talks
16 Nov 201720:05
EducationalLearning
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TLDRLilia grew up in a strict, isolated Christian community where the authoritarian leader condemned her natural leadership ability. After witnessing the cruel punishment of her peers, she realized the hypocrisy of the cult's claim to faith and love. Out of fierce love and protection for her oppressed best friend, Lilia found the strength to escape with her family. Though initially filled with self-doubt from years of emotional abuse, her empathy for others taught Lilia to extend compassion to herself. Now a successful author and entrepreneur, she uses her confidence and skills to inspire women trapped in oppression.

Takeaways
  • 😞 She grew up in an isolated Christian cult called Gloriavale that strictly controlled every aspect of her life.
  • 😀 She loved the community lifestyle and her large family despite the restrictions placed on her.
  • 🤬 The cult leaders used shame, guilt and abuse to control members, especially women and children.
  • 😠 She was punished for showing leadership skills as a child which went against the cult's beliefs.
  • 😡 The unjust treatment of her friends inspired her rebellious spirit and distrust of the cult.
  • 💪 Her love for her siblings gave her the courage to plan their escape from the oppressive cult.
  • 😌 She left Gloriavale with her entire family and found freedom.
  • 🧠 To protect herself after leaving, she studied human behavior and psychology extensively.
  • ✍️ Writing her life story helped her understand and overcome the manipulation she endured.
  • 😊 She now uses her leadership skills to empower herself and others to live freely.
Q & A

  • Why did Lilia's grandfather publicly humiliate her when she was 6 years old?

    -He humiliated her because her school teacher wrote in her report that she demonstrated leadership skills. This threatened his authority, as he was afraid of strong women.

  • What changed for Lilia after her grandfather publicly shamed her?

    -She lost belief that she was worth anything more than what he said she was. It made her doubt herself and she struggled to think correctly for herself afterwards.

  • Why did Lilia's friend Jubilant get beaten by their teacher?

    -Jubilant made one too many jokes during a soccer game. When he kept joking, their teacher Nathaniel began punching and kicking him violently.

  • Why did Lilia decide she had to leave Gloriavale?

    -After her friend Grace was forced to marry someone against her will, Lilia realized she would likely face the same fate. She also wanted to take her younger sisters with her to protect them.

  • How did Lilia's parents help her and her siblings leave Gloriavale?

    -Although Lilia's parents wanted to leave too, they waited for Lilia to decide she was ready so that the whole family could stay together when they left the cult.

  • What did Lilia realize the Gloriavale leaders used to control members?

    -She realized they used tactics like shame, guilt, and degradation to make people feel worthless. They took away members' self-worth so that they could more easily control them.

  • How did love for others help Lilia find the strength to leave?

    -Seeing injustices happen to people she cared about like Grace, Jubilant and Willing made her furious. This gave her strength she hadn't had for herself.

  • What does Lilia say helped her break the chains that had shackled her?

    -She says that love for others is what broke the chains. Caring more about their suffering than her own helped give her the power to stand up against the injustice.

  • What leadership skills does Lilia say she uses today at age 27?

    -She uses her leadership skills now every day to remind her 6-year-old self that she can do anything she wants and to never let anyone tell her otherwise.

  • What does Lilia seem to have realized about her 6-year-old school report?

    -She realized her teacher was right - she does have strong leadership skills. This is something her grandfather had feared and tried to suppress in her and other women.

Outlines
00:00
😊 Growing up in a beautiful but isolated Christian community

Lilia describes her idyllic childhood growing up in the Gloriavale Christian community in New Zealand. She lived there from age 6 weeks old to 18 years old with 500 other members. Her grandfather founded the community and was her hero. The community worked together, lived together and owned businesses together with shared finances.

05:00
😟 Women's roles were restricted and corporal punishment was common

Lilia realized her opportunities were limited as a girl. She witnessed corporal punishment of children, which troubled her. She decided she didn't want children there. Her best friend Grace was forced to marry someone she didn't love, so Lilia knew she had to leave too.

10:04
😡 Injustices against her friends motivated Lilia's desire to leave

Lilia's friend Jubilant was severely beaten by a teacher for joking around. Her best friend Grace was forced to marry against her will. After Grace was made to stay, Lilia decided she had to leave and take her siblings with her.

15:07
😃 Learning about human behavior helped Lilia regain her self-worth

After leaving Gloriavale, Lilia studied human behavior to protect herself from manipulation. She realized the leaders used shame and guilt to control her. But defending her friends helped her find strength. She learned to love herself and is now a confident leader.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Cult
Lilia grew up in the Gloriavale Christian Community, which she later realized was a cult that used abusive and manipulative tactics to control its members. Cults exert total control over their members' lives, thoughts, and behaviors. Lilia's experiences illustrate cult tactics like public shaming, physical abuse, and forced marriage.
💡Abuse
Lilia and others experienced various forms of abuse in Gloriavale, including public humiliation, beatings, and psychological manipulation. These abusive acts were justified by the cult leaders as necessary for discipline and obedience. The abuse had long-lasting impacts on Lilia's self-worth and willingness to stand up for herself.
💡Manipulation
The Gloriavale leaders used shame, guilt, and fear to manipulate members into compliance. By degrading Lilia publicly as a child, they manipulated her into believing she was worthless and had no value beyond the role they prescribed. The psychological impact primed her for further manipulation.
💡Control
Total control was enforced over every aspect of life in Gloriavale, from work and marriage to music, books, and hairstyles. Harsh punishment kept members obedient to the restrictive rules. Lilia realized this excessive control was wrong when she saw injustices against people she cared about.
💡Injustice
Incidents of abuse and manipulation that harmed Lilia's loved ones awoke her to the injustice in Gloriavale. She was outraged when her friend Grace was forced into marriage and condemned for wanting to leave. Witnessing injustice toward others gave Lilia the strength to stand up against control.
💡Love
Lilia realized that the true love she felt for her friends contradicted the leaders' claim to love all members. Love for others helped break her chains, while learning to properly love herself gave Lilia the power to reject manipulation and leave Gloriavale.
💡Strength
Initially beaten down by cult tactics, Lilia found inner strength by embracing her own self-worth and leaving Gloriavale. She showed great courage in deciding to leave and take her sisters with her. Her leadership skills gave her the strength to start over outside the cult.
💡Freedom
Despite the difficulty of leaving everything she knew, getting out of Gloriavale represented freedom for Lilia. She was no longer constrained by abusive rules and manipulation. She could live life on her own terms, find her own way in the world, and determine her own future.
💡Independence
Escape from Gloriavale required tremendous independence on Lilia's part. She had to break free emotionally and psychologically while also taking practical steps to secretly plan her departure. Her independence has allowed Lilia to build a life and career outside the cult.
💡Courage
It took immense courage for Lilia to leave Gloriavale and reject the only life she knew. Publicly sharing her story and lessons learned displays further courage and a willingness to inspire others with her journey of overcoming adversity.
Highlights

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Transcripts

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