4 Things You Should NEVER Say to Your Teen

Daniel Wong - Teen Coach

17 May 202212:30

EducationalLearning

32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRIn this insightful video, Daniel Wong, a teenage coach with over a decade of experience, shares four key phrases to avoid when communicating with teens to foster better relationships and attitudes. He emphasizes asking specific, open-ended questions to engage them, avoiding generic praise to encourage process over outcome orientation, and the importance of being a gratitude role model rather than demanding it. Lastly, he advises against pressuring teens to meet potential, instead offering descriptive praise and leading by example to inspire them.

Takeaways

😀 Never ask your teens 'How was school today?' as it often leads to one-word replies and stifles deeper conversation.
🔍 Ask teens specific and open-ended questions to encourage them to share more about their day and experiences.
🏆 Avoid saying 'Well done' or 'Good job' to teens as it can lead them to focus more on outcomes rather than the process of learning and growth.
🌟 Use descriptive praise to acknowledge the effort and process rather than just the outcome, fostering a more process-oriented mindset.
🙏 Refrain from telling teens to be more grateful, as it can make them defensive and less likely to develop genuine gratitude.
🌱 Be a role model of gratitude by expressing thanks frequently and engaging in gratitude rituals as a family.
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Serve others together as a family to help teens develop empathy and a greater sense of gratitude for what they have.
🚫 Avoid telling teens they are not making the most of their potential, as it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and shame.
💡 Focus on descriptive praise and showing your own efforts to maximize potential to inspire teens to do the same.
📚 Provide a free guide at the end of the video that offers proven approaches to getting teens to listen and improve communication.
🔄 It's never too late to change your communication style with teens; applying these tips can lead to improved attitudes and behaviors.

Q & A

What are the four things Daniel Wong advises parents not to say to their teens?
-The four things are: 1) 'How was school today?' as it often leads to one-word answers, 2) 'Well done' or 'Good job' because it can make teens outcome-oriented and dependent on praise, 3) 'You should be more grateful' as it can make them defensive, and 4) 'You're not making the most of your potential' because it may make them feel they can never live up to expectations.
Why should parents avoid asking 'How was school today?' to their teens?
-This question tends to elicit brief, uninformative responses from teens. Instead, parents should ask specific and open-ended questions that encourage teens to express their opinions and experiences.
What kind of questions should parents ask their teens instead of general ones like 'How was school today?'?
-Parents should ask specific and open-ended questions that reference unique events or aspects of their teen's life, such as 'Was the English debate as interesting as you thought it would be?' or 'How challenging was the chemistry test today?'
What is the potential negative effect of praising teens with 'Well done' or 'Good job'?
-This type of praise can lead teens to focus more on outcomes rather than the process, potentially making them more anxious and discouraged, and also psychologically dependent on external approval.
What is an alternative to saying 'Well done' or 'Good job' to encourage a process-oriented mindset in teens?
-Descriptive praise that highlights the effort and process can be used, such as 'I saw you putting in many hours of hard work to prepare for the history test.'
Why might telling teens to be more grateful backfire?
-It can make teens defensive and feel accused, as they might think of it as nagging. Gratitude is better caught through a parent's example and family values rather than being told directly.
What can parents do to foster a sense of gratitude in their teens?
-Parents can be gratitude role models, develop gratitude rituals, and involve the family in volunteer work to help teens become less entitled and more appreciative of what they have.
Why should parents avoid telling their teens that they are not making the most of their potential?
-This can lead to feelings of shame and the belief that they can never meet expectations, potentially causing teens to disengage and not try as hard.
What is a suggested approach for parents to help their teens focus on the process rather than the outcome?
-Parents can give descriptive praise that acknowledges effort and can also model behavior by actively working on their own potential and sharing their journey with their teens.
What is the purpose of the free guide mentioned by Daniel Wong at the end of the video?
-The free guide, titled '10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You', aims to provide parents with practical strategies for effective communication with their teens.
How can viewers access the free guide mentioned by Daniel Wong?
-Viewers can download the guide by visiting daniel-wong.com/guide or by clicking the link provided in the video description.

Outlines

00:00

🧑‍🏫 Introduction to Teen Communication Tips

In this introductory segment, Daniel Wong outlines the purpose of the video, which is to discuss four things parents should avoid saying to their teens to improve their attitude, behavior, and parent-teen relationships. He introduces himself as a coach with over ten years of experience in working with teenagers and emphasizes the importance of effective communication. Wong also mentions a free guide that he will share at the end of the video, aimed at helping parents get their teens to listen to them.

05:02

❓ Avoid Asking 'How was school today?'

Daniel Wong explains why the common question, 'How was school today?' is ineffective. Teens typically respond with one-word answers, cutting off meaningful conversation. Wong suggests asking specific and open-ended questions related to their teen's activities and interests to foster better communication. He provides examples of such questions and advises parents to choose the right moments for these conversations, avoiding times when teens are tired or moody.

10:03

🏅 Skip Saying 'Well done' or 'Good job'

Wong advises against using generic praise like 'Well done' or 'Good job' because it promotes an outcome-oriented mindset rather than a process-oriented one. He explains that process-oriented teens are more motivated, resilient, and successful. Additionally, over-reliance on praise can lead to teens seeking external validation rather than developing internal motivation and values. Instead, Wong suggests offering descriptive praise that focuses on specific efforts and actions, helping teens appreciate the process of growth and learning.

🙏 Don't Tell Teens to Be More Grateful

Wong discusses why telling teens to be more grateful is counterproductive. It often leads to defensiveness and resentment rather than genuine gratitude. He encourages parents to model gratitude themselves and create family rituals that promote thankfulness. For example, his family practices 'Thankful Thursday,' where they share things they are grateful for. Wong also suggests involving teens in volunteer work to help them develop a greater appreciation for what they have.

💪 Avoid Criticizing Their Potential

Wong explains the negative impact of telling teens they are not making the most of their potential. Such comments can lead to feelings of inadequacy and shame, and they often do not reflect the full picture of a teen's efforts. Instead, Wong recommends focusing on descriptive praise and leading by example. He encourages parents to demonstrate their own commitment to growth and development, which can inspire teens to follow suit. Wong concludes by reassuring parents that it is never too late to change their communication strategies for the better.

🎁 Conclusion and Additional Resources

Wong wraps up the video by summarizing the four things parents should avoid saying to their teens. He reassures parents that they can still change their communication habits to see positive improvements in their teens' behavior and attitudes. He encourages viewers to subscribe to his YouTube channel for more tips and resources. Wong also promotes his free guide, '10 Proven Ways to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You,' available on his website. Finally, he suggests watching another video focused on helping teens become more focused and motivated.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Teens

Teens refer to young individuals typically between the ages of 13 and 19. In the context of this video, teens are the primary audience and subject, as the speaker, Daniel Wong, discusses communication strategies specifically tailored for this age group. The video aims to guide parents on how to interact with their teens more effectively, highlighting the importance of understanding their unique developmental stage.

💡Communication

Communication is the act of conveying meanings from one entity or group to another through the use of mutually understood signs and semiotic rules. In the video, effective communication with teens is emphasized as a crucial skill for parents. The speaker provides advice on how to ask open-ended questions and avoid certain phrases that might hinder meaningful conversations with teenagers.

💡Outcome-oriented

Outcome-oriented refers to a focus on the end result or goal rather than the process of achieving it. The video warns against encouraging teens to be outcome-oriented, as it can lead to anxiety and discouragement. Instead, the speaker advocates for a process-oriented approach, where the emphasis is on learning, growth, and effort, rather than just the end result.

💡Process-oriented

Process-oriented is the opposite of outcome-oriented, emphasizing the importance of the journey, effort, and learning process rather than just the final outcome. The video suggests that teens who are process-oriented are more motivated, resilient, and successful. The speaker uses examples like focusing on mastering concepts and skills to illustrate the benefits of a process-oriented mindset.

💡Descriptive praise

Descriptive praise involves giving specific, detailed compliments that highlight the effort and actions taken rather than just the end result. In the video, the speaker recommends using descriptive praise to encourage teens to focus on the process, such as acknowledging the hours of hard work put into preparing for a test or the consistent effort in daily chores.

💡Gratitude

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. The video discusses the importance of fostering gratitude in teens, but warns against simply telling them to be more grateful, as this can lead to defensiveness. Instead, the speaker suggests being a role model of gratitude and engaging in family activities that promote thankfulness.

💡Potential

Potential refers to the capacity to develop into something in the future. The video addresses the common parental concern about teens not making the most of their potential. The speaker cautions against telling teens they are not living up to their potential, as this can lead to feelings of inadequacy and shame. Instead, the focus should be on praising effort and progress.

💡Nagging

Nagging is the act of persistently urging or complaining about something, often in a way that is annoying or irritating. In the video, the speaker mentions that nagging teens about being more grateful or making the most of their potential can be counterproductive. It suggests that a more effective approach is to model the desired behavior and engage in positive interactions.

💡Volunteer work

Volunteer work involves performing tasks or services for others without financial reward, often for the benefit of a community or society. The video suggests that engaging in volunteer work with teens can help them become less entitled and more grateful. It serves as a practical way to demonstrate gratitude and empathy towards others.

💡Role model

A role model is a person whose behavior, example, or success is emulated by others. In the context of the video, the speaker emphasizes the importance of parents being role models for their teens, especially in terms of gratitude and making the most of one's potential. By demonstrating gratitude and effort in their own lives, parents can inspire their teens to adopt similar values and behaviors.

💡Motivation

Motivation is the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way. The video discusses the challenges of motivating teens and suggests that focusing on process and effort, rather than outcomes, can be more effective. The speaker also mentions that shaming teens into changing their behavior is not productive, highlighting the need for positive reinforcement and understanding.

Highlights

Introduction to the four things you should never say to your teens.

The first thing you shouldn't say to your teens: 'How was school today?'

Ask your teens specific and open-ended questions instead.

Examples of specific and open-ended questions to ask your teens.

The second thing you shouldn't say to your teens: 'Well done' or 'Good job.'

Encouraging teens to be process-oriented rather than outcome-oriented.

Descriptive praise as an alternative to 'Well done' or 'Good job.'

Focusing on progress, not perfection, when communicating with teens.

The third thing you shouldn't say to your teens: 'You should be more grateful.'

Be a gratitude role model and develop gratitude rituals.

The fourth thing you shouldn't say to your teens: 'You're not making the most of your potential.'

Understanding that your observations might not tell the full story.

Using descriptive praise to encourage teens to focus on the process.

Showing your teens what you are doing to make the most of your potential.

Encouraging teens by example and enthusiasm for personal development.

Transcripts

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