No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame | Maureen McGrath | TEDxStanleyPark

TEDx Talks

6 Jul 201621:52

EducationalLearning

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TLDRIn her talk, relationship therapist Maureen McGrath discusses why many married couples struggle with maintaining an active sex life. She highlights issues like declining passion over time, poor communication, technology distractions, and past trauma. McGrath advocates improving intimacy through daily exercise, treating sexual dysfunctions, focusing on your spouse over devices, resolving marital conflicts, and introducing creativity into the bedroom. Her overriding message calls for destigmatizing sex and harnessing its documented health benefits well into old age through revitalizing stale marriages.

Takeaways

😱 Most brides today do not have sex on their wedding nights, and 50% of men would not have married their spouse if they knew their marriage was going to be sexless.
😎 Married couples have sex a little more than once a week for the first decade of marriage. It decreases after that to about 58 times per year.
🤔 20% of marriages meet the criteria for a sexless marriage, defined as less than 10 times per year.
😣 Women falsely believe that female sexual interest and desire precedes sexual activity, when actually sexual activity prompts desire.
😌 Men in sexless marriages cheat to remain in the marriage. Women cheat to leave.
🎉 You can have a great sex life well into your 80s and 90s if you are healthy. Sex is good for you.
🙈 Sex is shrouded in shame even though it's healthy.
📱 Technology is fast replacing human connection when it comes to sex and intimacy.
💡 To improve your sex life: exercise, get help for sexual dysfunctions, pay more attention to your spouse than your phone, spend more time in the bedroom, establish guidelines for dealing with attraction outside your marriage.
😘 Settle all marital arguments in the bedroom, naked.

Q & A

What percentage of married men surveyed were dissatisfied with their sex lives, even though 75% were satisfied in their relationships overall?
-More than 50% of married men surveyed were dissatisfied with their sex lives, even though 75% reported being satisfied in their relationships overall.
What is the little-known brain chemical that is responsible for the excitement and euphoria felt when meeting a new sexual partner?
-PEA, or phenylethylamine, is the brain chemical responsible for the excitement and euphoria felt when meeting a new sexual partner.
What is the most common sex position for married couples according to the speaker?
-The most common sex position for married couples is "doggy style", which the speaker clarifies is where the husband is on all fours begging and the wife plays dead.
What percentage of marriages meet the criteria for a sexless marriage?
-20% of marriages meet the criteria for a sexless marriage, defined by experts as having sex less than 10 times per year.
What does the speaker say is the reason women rarely initiate sex?
-Women falsely believe that female sexual desire and interest precedes sexual activity, when in reality it is sexual activity that prompts sexual interest and desire.
What are some of the factors that can contribute to low sexual desire and sexless marriages?
-Factors like cardiovascular disease, diabetes, low testosterone, stress, conflict, financial issues, and excessive alcohol use can all contribute to low desire and sexless marriages.
How does technology facilitate cheating in marriages?
-Technology like online dating sites and apps with swiping features make cheating more accessible. As communication increases, the likelihood of an in-person affair also increases.
Why do more men than women cheat to stay in a marriage rather than leave it?
-Men are more likely to cheat in order to stay in a sexless marriage, while women are more likely to have affairs as a way to transition out of sexless marriages.
What is one tactic the speaker suggests for spicing up a marriage?
-The speaker jokingly suggests settling all marital arguments in the bedroom while naked as a way to spice up a marriage.
What does the speaker say is key for maintaining passion and interest when you are committed to one partner long-term?
-The speaker says fantasy is key - she emphasizes that your brain is your largest sex organ, so having a vibrant fantasy life helps maintain passion with one long-term partner.

Outlines

00:00

😂 Why Aren't We Having More Sex in Marriage

The speaker begins by joking that marriage often leads to less sex. She shares statistics that many married couples are dissatisfied with their sex lives, having sex only about once a week on average. Premarital sex has become common, leading to boredom in marriage. The key issues are declining passion over time due to brain chemistry changes, poor sex education especially for women, exhaustion from modern life demands, and technology distractions.

05:00

😠 Women's Pleasure Matters Too

The speaker emphasizes that women deserve sexual pleasure and orgasms too, just as men do. She shares a personal story highlighting how girls receive messaging that sex is dirty and bad. In contrast, boys and men have access to internet porn. She argues for better sex education across genders and sexual orientations.

10:03

😴 Why Aren't We Initiating Sex

The speaker explains why women rarely initiate sex - societal norms teach that female desire follows rather than precedes sexual activity. Men prioritize intimacy yet face many barriers, from household chores to exhaustion to tech. Marriages risk declining into "roommates" without effort to preserve sexual and emotional connection.

15:07

😢 Let's End Child Sexual Abuse

The speaker argues strongly for ending child sexual abuse globally. She shares a case story highlighting how early sexual trauma impacts marriages. Healing from early sexual violence takes a lifetime. Preventing child abuse must be a top priority.

20:10

🤹‍♀️ Keep Sex Alive As We Age

The speaker advocates for great sex at any age, citing health benefits. Yet many face sexual function issues from medical problems to psychological barriers. She argues passionately for addressing dysfunctional dynamics, improving physical health, fantasizing, and scheduling naked conflict resolution to preserve marital sexuality.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡sexless marriage

A sexless marriage is defined in the talk as a marriage where a couple has sex less than 10 times per year. It is a major issue being faced by married couples today. The speaker states that 20% of marriages meet the criteria for being sexless. She explores reasons why sex frequency declines in marriage, like diminished passion over time, technology distractions, and exhaustion from life's demands.

💡intimacy

Intimacy refers to emotional and physical closeness between partners. The speaker notes that intimacy is very important for men in relationships. Lack of intimacy due to various factors like technology interference or mismatched libidos can contribute to sexless marriages.

💡infidelity

Infidelity or cheating is presented as an unfortunate effect of sexless marriages. The speaker mentions that men cheat to stay in sexless marriages, while women cheat to leave. New technologies and sites facilitate cheating by making affairs more accessible.

💡sexual dysfunction

Sexual dysfunctions like vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction prevent couples from having frequent, satisfying sex. They are cited as contributors to sexless marriages and the speaker advises couples to get help for treating them.

💡loneliness

Loneliness is given as a major emotional outcome of living in a sexless marriage. The speaker describes research showing worse health outcomes like high blood pressure for lonely individuals.

💡technology

The overuse of technology like smartphones and Internet pornography is mentioned as worsening sexual connection between partners. Couples need to pay more attention to each other than their devices.

💡communication

Open communication between partners is presented as vital for maintaining an active sex life. Couples need to communicate about needs, challenges and solutions regarding their sexual relationship.

💡sexual violence

The speaker calls for ending sexual violence against children so that negative associations with sex are not created early in life. Child sexual abuse is noted as a key reason the speaker's clients avoid sex.

💡pleasure

The speaker criticizes sexual education for not discussing female sexual pleasure and orgasm. Women not experiencing pleasure is given as a cause for sexlessness on the female side.

💡fantasy

Fantasy is advised as a way to spice up one's sex life within marriage. The speaker notes the brain as being the largest sexual organ and fantasy as being important even within monogamy.

Highlights

75% of married men were satisfied with their relationships, but over 50% were dissatisfied with their sex lives.

Brides today often don't have sex on their wedding nights, and 50% of men wouldn't have married their spouse if they knew the marriage would be sexless.

On average, married couples have sex a little more than once a week for the first decade, decreasing after that to about 58 times per year.

20% of marriages meet the criteria for a sexless marriage, defined as less than 10 times per year.

Reasons for sexless marriages include diminishing chemistry, poor sex education, technology distractions, exhaustion, and past sexual trauma.

Women often don't initiate sex because female desire is prompted by sexual activity, not the other way around.

The most common sex position for married couples is "doggy style," meaning he begs and she plays dead.

Erectile dysfunction can indicate cardiovascular disease or other health issues, so treating it is important.

People in sexless marriages report feeling frustrated, unloved, undesirable, unattractive, and lonely.

Historically marriage was for property and labor, not love; the expectation of lifelong romance is new.

To improve your sex life, exercise for blood flow, get help for sexual dysfunction, pay attention to your spouse, deal with issues, go to bed together, and use fantasy.

Technology is replacing human intimacy at high speed through online affairs and pornography addiction.

Sex never has to end - you can have a great sex life into your 80s and 90s if you stay healthy.

Settle all marital arguments naked in the bedroom.

Sex is healthy, yet still shrouded in shame. We need more open, honest dialogue to address this.

Transcripts

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