Betrayal: The Loss No One Is Talking About | Holli Kenley, LMFT | TEDxMountRubidoux

TEDx Talks
5 Oct 202217:52
EducationalLearning
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TLDRHolly Kenley, a marriage and family therapist and author, explores the profound impact of betrayal and its distinct healing process. She emphasizes that betrayal is not merely a loss of trust but a deep loss of self, often shrouded in shame. Kenley shares her personal experiences, including a life-altering sailing incident and her parents' tragic suicide attempt, to illustrate the journey through confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness. She advocates for an inward focus to understand oneself, reclaim value, and recover power, ultimately healing from betrayal by 'writing oneself' upright again.

Takeaways
  • 🧐 Betrayal often leads to feelings of confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness, which can be difficult to navigate without proper guidance.
  • 📚 Holly Kenley, a marriage and family therapist and author, discusses her professional and personal experiences with betrayal and its effects on individuals.
  • 🌊 A pivotal moment in Holly's life was learning to 'right herself' after a sailing accident, which became a metaphor for overcoming betrayals in life.
  • 💔 The tragic dual suicide attempt by Holly's parents was a profound personal betrayal that she had to process and heal from.
  • 🤔 Traditional approaches to dealing with betrayal, such as those used for grief, may not fully address the unique challenges of betrayal, particularly the loss of self.
  • 🕵️‍♀️ Holly's research and experience suggest that betrayal is not just a loss of trust but also involves a significant loss of self that needs to be rediscovered.
  • 🤝 The process of healing from betrayal involves three states of being: confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness, each requiring introspection and self-recovery.
  • 🔄 To heal from betrayal, one must turn inward, focusing on understanding oneself and making sense of one's own life and choices rather than trying to understand the betrayer.
  • 🌈 Holly emphasizes the importance of redefining one's value and reclaiming one's voice as part of the healing process after betrayal.
  • 📈 Over time, Holly has helped hundreds of individuals recover from betrayal by implementing techniques that focus on self-recovery and empowerment.
  • 💪 The message is clear: healing from betrayal is a choice and an active process that requires time and effort to regain a sense of self and move forward.
Q & A

  • What is the main theme of Holly Kenley's talk?

    -The main theme of Holly Kenley's talk is the process of healing from betrayal, emphasizing the importance of addressing the loss of self that often accompanies such experiences.

  • What is Holly Kenley's profession?

    -Holly Kenley is a marriage and family therapist who works in the field of psychology and is also an author of four books on betrayal.

  • What personal experience does Holly Kenley share in her talk?

    -Holly Kenley shares her experience of being betrayed by her sailing partner during a class at the University of California at Santa Barbara, which led to her having to right her capsized sailboat by herself.

  • How does Holly Kenley's experience with her father's dual suicide attempt impact her understanding of betrayal?

    -Holly Kenley's experience with her father's dual suicide attempt deepens her understanding of betrayal by introducing her to the intense pain of betrayal and the subsequent feelings of confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness.

  • What are the three states of being that Holly Kenley identifies as part of the betrayal healing process?

    -The three states of being identified by Holly Kenley are the state of confusion, the state of worthlessness, and the state of powerlessness.

  • Why does Holly Kenley believe that traditional grief approaches may not be fully effective in addressing betrayal?

    -Holly Kenley believes that traditional grief approaches may not be fully effective in addressing betrayal because they focus on the loss of someone or something else, whereas betrayal involves a loss of self, which requires a different healing process.

  • What is the key difference between dealing with grief and dealing with betrayal according to Holly Kenley?

    -According to Holly Kenley, the key difference is that dealing with grief requires focusing outward and accepting loss, while dealing with betrayal requires focusing inward to recover and reclaim one's sense of self.

  • How does Holly Kenley's approach to healing from betrayal differ from conventional thinking?

    -Holly Kenley's approach to healing from betrayal differs from conventional thinking by focusing on the internal process of recovering one's sense of self and power, rather than just addressing the loss of trust.

  • What does Holly Kenley suggest is the most important loss in the process of betrayal?

    -Holly Kenley suggests that the most important loss in the process of betrayal is the loss of self, which is often buried in shame and includes the loss of innocence, identity, role, reputation, and being seen and heard.

  • How does Holly Kenley's personal journey of healing from her parents' suicide attempt relate to her professional work?

    -Holly Kenley's personal journey of healing from her parents' suicide attempt relates to her professional work as it provides her with firsthand experience of the states of being she describes, allowing her to better understand and guide her clients through the process of healing from betrayal.

Outlines
00:00
🚢 Overcoming Betrayal: A Personal Journey Through Sailing

Holly Kenley, a marriage and family therapist and author, introduces the theme of betrayal and its impact on self-identity. She shares a personal story of betrayal during a sailing class at the University of California, where she had to right a capsized boat alone, symbolizing the process of self-recovery. This experience taught her to trust herself and face betrayals in life. Holly emphasizes that traditional approaches to healing from betrayal, like treating it as grief, often fall short because they don't address the most critical loss—the loss of self.

05:02
🌊 The Dual Suicide: A Family's Tragic Betrayal

The narrative continues with Holly's personal experience of betrayal through her parents' attempted dual suicide. She recounts the last conversation with her father and the subsequent shock and confusion when she discovered the tragic events. Holly's feelings of betrayal are not just about the loss of her parents but also about the shattering of her identity as a loving daughter. This painful episode led her to introspect on the nature of betrayal and its effects beyond the loss of trust, prompting her to explore alternative approaches to healing from betrayal.

10:04
🔍 The Three States of Being After Betrayal

Holly identifies three stages of emotional response to betrayal: confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness. In the state of confusion, individuals seek answers and try to make sense of the betrayal. The state of worthlessness follows, where one's sense of self and value is challenged, often leading to feelings of insignificance. Lastly, the state of powerlessness arises when individuals feel unable to change their circumstances or regain control. Holly suggests that traditional grief approaches do not effectively address these states, and instead, a focus on self-understanding and self-recovery is necessary.

15:05
🛶 Healing from Betrayal: The Journey of Self-Recovery

The final paragraph outlines Holly's journey of healing from the betrayal of her parents' suicide attempt and her father's eventual passing. She emphasizes the importance of focusing inward to understand and make sense of one's own life and choices. Holly shares her process of addressing confusion by accepting the inexplicable, dealing with worthlessness by grounding herself in her truths, and overcoming powerlessness by focusing on what she could control and change. She concludes by encouraging others who have experienced betrayal to embark on their own journey of self-recovery, as time alone does not heal but the choices made with time can lead to healing.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Betrayal
Betrayal is the act of breaking a trust or promise, often causing emotional pain and a sense of being wronged. In the video's theme, betrayal is central to the narrative as it discusses the emotional and psychological impact it has on individuals. The speaker, Holly Kenley, uses her personal experiences and professional insights to explore the effects of betrayal, such as feeling stuck, confused, and powerless. The video emphasizes the need to address the loss of self that often accompanies betrayal, which is a departure from the conventional approach of treating it like grief.
💡Healing
Healing, in the context of the video, refers to the process of recovering from emotional wounds, particularly those caused by betrayal. The video suggests that traditional methods of healing, such as giving time to trust again or forgiving and moving on, may not be sufficient. Instead, Holly Kenley proposes a different approach that involves addressing the loss of self and going through specific 'states of being' to recover from betrayal. The concept of healing is integral to the video's message, which encourages individuals to actively engage in the process of self-recovery.
💡Loss of Self
The loss of self is a critical concept in the video, describing the deep psychological impact of betrayal where one's sense of identity and self-worth is compromised. Holly Kenley argues that the loss of self is often overlooked in traditional approaches to dealing with betrayal, which tend to focus on the loss of trust. The video emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing this loss as a key part of the healing process, suggesting that it is buried in shame and includes the loss of innocence, identity, role, reputation, and being seen or heard.
💡States of Being
States of Being are the three stages that Holly Kenley identifies as part of the betrayal recovery process: confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness. These states represent the emotional and psychological conditions that individuals experience as they navigate through the aftermath of betrayal. The video suggests that understanding and working through each state is essential for true healing. For example, in the state of confusion, individuals are consumed with trying to understand the betrayer's actions, whereas in the state of worthlessness, they grapple with a shattered sense of self-worth.
💡Confusion
Confusion, as a state of being, is characterized by a state of uncertainty and a struggle to make sense of the betrayal. In the video, Holly Kenley describes how betrayal can lead to a whirlwind of questions and an outward focus on understanding the actions of the betrayer. The script illustrates this when Holly recounts her own confusion following her parents' attempted suicide, where she was overwhelmed by questions and struggled to make sense of their actions.
💡Worthlessness
Worthlessness is a state of feeling devalued and insignificant, often resulting from betrayal. The video explains that in this state, individuals may question their importance and the value of their contributions, as they grapple with shattered beliefs about themselves and their relationships. Holly's personal narrative includes feelings of worthlessness as a daughter after her father's actions, leading her to reassess her self-worth and identity.
💡Powerlessness
Powerlessness is the state where individuals feel unable to influence or control their circumstances following a betrayal. The video describes this as a state where one may feel energized to change their reality one moment and defeated the next, trying to control everything while feeling controlled. Holly's experience with powerlessness is depicted in her struggle to reconcile her desire to change the reality of her parents' actions and her eventual acceptance of what she could not control.
💡Recovery
Recovery in the video is presented as an active process of self-healing and self-discovery following betrayal. It is not just about overcoming the emotional pain but also about regaining a sense of self and personal power. Holly Kenley's approach to recovery involves working through the states of being and turning inward to understand and redefine one's worth and identity. The concept of recovery is central to the video's message, which encourages individuals to take an active role in their healing journey.
💡Trust
Trust is a fundamental aspect of relationships that is often shattered by betrayal. The video discusses how traditional approaches to dealing with betrayal focus on the loss of trust and treat it like a grief issue. However, Holly Kenley argues that betrayal involves more than just a loss of trust; it is also a profound loss of self. The script uses the concept of trust to highlight the limitations of conventional healing methods and to emphasize the need for a more comprehensive approach to recovery.
💡Self-Recovery
Self-recovery is the process of rebuilding one's sense of self and personal identity after experiencing betrayal. The video emphasizes the importance of turning inward and focusing on self-understanding and self-worth as part of the healing process. Holly Kenley's personal journey and professional experience both underscore the significance of self-recovery in overcoming the pain of betrayal and regaining a sense of control and power in one's life.
Highlights

The speaker, Holly Kenley, discusses the pain of betrayal and how traditional methods of healing may not address the most important loss: the loss of self.

Holly Kenley is a marriage and family therapist and author of four books on betrayal, offering her expertise and personal experiences on the subject.

A personal story of betrayal is shared, where Holly's father and partner abandoned her during a sailing incident, leading to a life-changing experience.

Holly emphasizes the importance of turning inward to understand oneself rather than focusing on the actions of the betrayer.

The concept of 'writing oneself' is introduced as a metaphor for self-recovery and healing from betrayal.

Holly's professional journey in psychology led her to recognize the limitations of treating betrayal like grief.

The speaker's parents' attempted dual suicide is shared as a deeply personal experience of betrayal.

Holly explores the emotional turmoil and the process of healing from the betrayal caused by her parents' actions.

The three states of being that individuals navigate through when experiencing betrayal are identified: confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness.

Each state of being is explained in detail, illustrating the internal struggle one faces after betrayal.

Holly challenges conventional grief approaches and proposes a new model for recovery from betrayal.

The importance of focusing inward to recover one's sense of self is stressed as a key part of the healing process.

Holly's own healing journey after her father's death is shared, demonstrating the application of her proposed recovery model.

The speaker invites the audience to reflect on their own experiences of betrayal and consider the path of self-recovery.

A call to action is made for individuals to choose to recover and 'write' themselves after experiencing betrayal.

The talk concludes with a powerful message that healing from betrayal is a choice and an active process, not just a passage of time.

Transcripts

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Betrayal HealingPsychology InsightsPersonal GrowthMarriage TherapyFamily DynamicsEmotional RecoveryTrust IssuesSailing AnalogySelf-WorthEmpowering Stories