HOW AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT SABOTAGES INTIMACY

Healing Love (Childhood and Relationship Healing)
26 May 202212:50
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRDr. Kim Sage, a licensed clinical psychologist, explores how individuals with an avoidant attachment style engage in behaviors that sabotage intimacy and vulnerability. Drawing from childhood experiences of maternal rejection, these individuals often long for connection but fear it due to past dismissal of their needs. Dr. Sage outlines common deactivating strategies such as focusing on imperfections, idealizing past relationships, and avoiding commitment, which hinder true connection. The video aims to provide understanding and strategies for healing attachment wounds and fostering healthier relationships.

Takeaways
  • 🧑‍⚕️ Dr. Kim Sage is a licensed clinical psychologist who focuses on healing love and attachment wounds.
  • 🌟 The video series aims to help viewers understand and heal from the trauma and attachment issues they carry in their lives.
  • 👶 Avoidant attachment style often stems from childhood experiences of maternal rejection or conditional love.
  • 🏃‍♂️ Avoidant individuals may engage in 'deactivating strategies' to minimize intimacy, stemming from a fear of vulnerability.
  • 🚫 Common strategies include claiming not to be ready for commitment, focusing on imperfections in a partner, and holding onto memories of past relationships.
  • 💔 Avoidant individuals may flirt with others to create insecurity, avoid saying 'I love you,' and pull away when things get too intimate.
  • 🔇 They might also form relationships with an 'impossible future,' such as with someone who is already married.
  • 🤔 Avoidant people may mentally check out during conversations, not paying attention to details, which can lead to misunderstandings.
  • 🤐 Keeping secrets and leaving things vague is another strategy to maintain distance and avoid full commitment.
  • 🛌 Avoiding physical closeness, like not wanting to share a bed, is a way to avoid emotional intimacy.
  • 🌱 Understanding the root causes of avoidant behaviors is crucial for healing and improving relationships.
Q & A

  • What is the main focus of Dr. Kim Sage's video series titled 'Healing Love'?

    -The main focus of the video series is to explore how to heal attachment wounds and trauma by understanding and addressing behaviors that sabotage intimacy and vulnerability in relationships.

  • Why do people with an avoidant attachment style engage in sabotaging behaviors around intimacy?

    -People with an avoidant attachment style often engage in sabotaging behaviors because they long for intimacy and connection but fear vulnerability due to childhood experiences of maternal rejection or conditional love.

  • What is the 'strange situation' referred to in the script, and how does it relate to avoidant attachment?

    -The 'strange situation' is a research scenario used to study infant attachment where babies who experienced maternal rejection show outward calmness but internal distress, leading to a pattern of deactivating their attachment system to avoid vulnerability.

  • What are some deactivating strategies that avoidant individuals may use to minimize intimacy?

    -Deactivating strategies include saying they're not ready to commit, focusing on their partner's imperfections, holding onto memories of an ex, flirting with others, not expressing love, pulling away when things are going well, and forming relationships with an impossible future.

  • How do avoidant individuals' behaviors towards their partners affect the overall relationship?

    -Avoidant individuals' behaviors, such as nitpicking, flirting with others, and withholding expressions of love, can create insecurity, instability, and emotional ruptures in the relationship, ultimately harming its health.

  • What is the significance of the book 'Treating Adult Attachment Disturbances' by David Brown and Dan Elliott mentioned in the script?

    -The book is significant as it provides a comprehensive exploration of adult attachment disturbances, including research and therapeutic approaches, which Dr. Kim Sage uses as a reference for her discussion on avoidant attachment behaviors.

  • Why might avoidant individuals have a hard time saying 'I love you'?

    -Avoidant individuals may find saying 'I love you' challenging because it implies vulnerability and emotional closeness, which can feel unsafe due to their attachment style and past experiences.

  • What does Dr. Kim Sage suggest is the core issue for avoidant individuals in relationships?

    -The core issue for avoidant individuals is their fear of vulnerability and emotional intimacy, stemming from childhood experiences, which leads them to engage in behaviors that sabotage the relationship.

  • How can understanding the avoidant attachment style help in healing and improving relationships?

    -Understanding the avoidant attachment style can help by providing insights into the behaviors and fears of the individual, allowing both partners to work together to address and heal the underlying issues, improving communication and emotional connection.

  • What is the role of childhood experiences in shaping an individual's attachment style according to the script?

    -Childhood experiences, particularly how a child's emotional needs were met or dismissed, play a crucial role in shaping their attachment style, influencing how they approach intimacy and vulnerability in adult relationships.

  • What advice does Dr. Kim Sage offer for individuals or couples dealing with avoidant attachment behaviors?

    -Dr. Kim Sage advises individuals to own their part in the relationship dynamics, understand the origins of their behaviors, and work together to heal and improve the connection, focusing on open communication and addressing emotional needs.

Outlines
00:00
🧠 Understanding Avoidant Attachment Styles

Dr. Kim Sage introduces her video series focused on healing love and attachment wounds. She discusses how individuals with an avoidant attachment style, often a result of childhood experiences of maternal rejection, may sabotage intimacy and vulnerability. These individuals may long for connection but struggle to express it due to learned behaviors from childhood, such as deactivating their attachment system to protect themselves from perceived rejection. The video aims to help viewers understand the origins of these behaviors and offers insights into healing and improving them.

05:00
🛡 Deactivating Strategies of Avoidant Individuals

This paragraph delves into the specific strategies that people with an avoidant attachment style use to minimize intimacy and vulnerability. These include claiming they are not ready to commit despite being in a long-term relationship, focusing on their partner's imperfections to create distance, idealizing past relationships, flirting with others to induce insecurity, withholding expressions of love, and forming relationships with an impossible future. Additionally, avoidant individuals may mentally check out during conversations, keep secrets, and avoid physical closeness. These behaviors are analyzed in the context of their impact on relationships and the underlying emotional struggles of avoidant individuals.

10:03
🌱 Healing Attachment Wounds and Improving Relationships

The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding the root causes of avoidant behaviors and suggests ways to work through them. Dr. Kim Sage encourages viewers to recognize and own their part in relationship dynamics, especially when avoiding emotions or disconnecting during vulnerable moments. She stresses the need for self-awareness and mutual effort in healing attachment wounds. The paragraph concludes with an invitation to follow Dr. Sage on TikTok for daily content on attachment, trauma, relationships, and parenting, reflecting her passion for these topics.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Healing Love
Healing Love refers to the process of mending emotional wounds and fostering healthy attachments in relationships. In the video, Dr. Kim Sage discusses how to heal attachment wounds and trauma that individuals carry, emphasizing the importance of understanding and addressing these issues to improve one's capacity for love and connection.
💡Avoidant Style
An avoidant style in attachment theory describes individuals who tend to minimize closeness in relationships and are uncomfortable with vulnerability. The video script explains that people with an avoidant style often engage in behaviors that sabotage intimacy due to their childhood experiences of maternal rejection, which they interpret as a need to deactivate their attachment system.
💡Maternal Rejection
Maternal Rejection is a concept in attachment theory where a child perceives a lack of emotional responsiveness or connection from their mother. In the video, it is mentioned as a root cause for the development of an avoidant attachment style, where children learn to suppress their need for connection to avoid the pain of perceived rejection.
💡Deactivating Strategies
Deactivating Strategies are behaviors used by individuals with an avoidant attachment style to distance themselves from emotional intimacy. The script outlines several strategies such as focusing on imperfections in a partner, longing for an ex, and not expressing love, which serve to protect the individual from the vulnerability they fear.
💡Intimacy
Intimacy in the context of the video refers to the close, emotional connection between individuals in a relationship. Dr. Kim Sage discusses how those with an avoidant style struggle with intimacy due to their fear of vulnerability and the potential for rejection, leading them to engage in behaviors that undermine closeness.
💡Vulnerability
Vulnerability is the state of being open to emotional exposure and potential hurt. The video emphasizes that avoidant individuals fear vulnerability and engage in various strategies to avoid it, which in turn affects their ability to form deep, meaningful relationships.
💡Attachment Wounds
Attachment Wounds are emotional injuries that stem from early childhood experiences where a child's need for attachment was not met. The script discusses how these wounds can affect an individual's ability to form healthy relationships later in life, often leading to patterns of avoidance.
💡Dismissing
Dismissing, in the context of attachment theory, refers to the act of a caregiver not acknowledging or validating a child's emotional needs. The video script explains that children who experienced dismissing from their parents may grow up to be avoidant, as they learn to suppress their emotional needs to avoid the pain of rejection.
💡Sabotaging Behaviors
Sabotaging Behaviors are actions taken by individuals that undermine their own well-being or the success of their relationships. In the video, Dr. Sage describes how those with an avoidant style may sabotage their relationships by engaging in behaviors such as not expressing love, flirting with others, or keeping secrets, all as a means to avoid vulnerability.
💡Conditional Love
Conditional Love is a type of love that is given based on certain conditions or expectations being met. The script mentions that children who grow up with conditional love may develop an avoidant style, as they learn to associate love with performance and achievement rather than emotional connection.
💡Codependency
Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person relies excessively on another for emotional support and validation. While the video script mentions codependency as a concept, it clarifies that the natural human need for connection is not inherently codependent but becomes problematic when it leads to unhealthy attachment patterns.
💡Therapeutic Approach
Therapeutic Approach in the video refers to the methods and strategies used by Dr. Kim Sage to help individuals understand and heal their attachment wounds. The script outlines various strategies that avoidant individuals use to distance themselves from emotional intimacy and suggests that understanding these behaviors is key to healing and improving relationships.
Highlights

Introduction to the 'Healing Love' video series by Dr. Kim Sage, focusing on attachment wounds and trauma.

Avoidant attachment style individuals often sabotage intimacy and vulnerability due to childhood experiences of maternal rejection.

Avoidant individuals may deactivate attachment needs as a response to perceived rejection, leading to a retreat from emotional connection.

The 'Strange Situation' research describes how avoidant infants react to maternal departure with outward calm but internal distress.

Avoidant individuals may appear uninterested in relationships but are often internally panicked and struggle to express their needs.

Deactivating strategies used by avoidant individuals to minimize intimacy include claiming they are not ready to commit, despite long-term relationships.

Focusing on partners' imperfections is a common deactivating strategy to avoid deeper emotional connection.

Avoidant individuals may idealize past relationships with 'the one who got away', using it as a benchmark against current partners.

Flirting with others can be a deactivating strategy to create insecurity and distance in current relationships.

Avoidant individuals may withhold saying 'I love you' as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability.

Pulling away when things are going well is a common behavior among avoidant individuals to prevent emotional closeness.

Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with a married person, can be a strategy to avoid full commitment and vulnerability.

Avoidant individuals may mentally check out during conversations about emotions to avoid vulnerability.

Keeping secrets and leaving things unclear is a strategy to maintain distance and avoid full emotional investment in a relationship.

Avoiding physical closeness, such as not sharing a bed, can be a way for avoidant individuals to prevent emotional intimacy.

Understanding the roots of avoidant behavior in childhood is crucial for healing and improving attachment styles in adulthood.

The importance of owning one's part in relationship issues and working together to heal emotional connections.

Dr. Kim Sage's passion for exploring attachment, complex trauma, relationships, and childhood influences in her work.

Transcripts

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Avoidant AttachmentIntimacy IssuesChildhood TraumaEmotional HealingRelationship AdvicePsychology InsightsAttachment TheoryVulnerabilitySelf-CareCommunication Skills