Healing Inner Child: Transformative CBT Methods to Address Abandonment
TLDRIn this insightful presentation, Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes delves into the concept of healing the inner child, a critical aspect of personal development. She explains how emotional wounds in childhood can lead to a range of unhealthy behaviors and core issues in adulthood, such as fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and difficulties with emotional regulation. Dr. Snipes outlines various behaviors that can traumatize a child, including caregiver actions like withdrawal, shaming, blaming, and conditional love. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these issues to foster healing. The presentation guides viewers through strategies for creating a safe environment for the inner child, identifying triggers, and developing new, healthier responses to past traumas. It also touches on the significance of grieving past losses and the role of self-compassion in the healing process. Dr. Snipes encourages viewers to practice self-validation, set boundaries, and foster a nurturing relationship with their inner child, ultimately aiming for a state of secure attachment with oneself.
Takeaways
- ๐ข **Identifying the Inner Child**: Recognizing behaviors that can traumatize the inner child and understanding the impact of such trauma is crucial for healing.
- ๐ค **Core Issues**: Common issues faced by those with a wounded inner child include fear of rejection or abandonment, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation.
- ๐ถ **Childhood Wounds**: Emotional wounds in childhood, if not properly addressed, can lead to unhealthy behaviors in adulthood as a means of self-protection.
- ๐ซ **Caregiver Behaviors**: Caregivers, often unintentionally, can cause trauma through actions like withdrawal, shaming, blaming, and manipulation, which affect the child's development.
- ๐ง **Emotional Mind**: The brain's fight-or-flight response can be triggered by stimuli reminiscent of past traumas, causing individuals to react based on old, unhelpful schemas.
- ๐ **Re-parenting**: Healing involves re-parenting the wounded inner child by developing a secure attachment with oneself and providing the nurturing and validation that was missing.
- ๐ค **Secure Attachment**: Creating a sense of safety and security with one's inner child is foundational to the healing process and involves validation, intimacy, and setting healthy boundaries.
- ๐ซ **Authenticity**: Encouraging authenticity and allowing the inner child to express feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment or rejection is essential.
- ๐๏ธโโ๏ธ **Coping Skills**: Developing new coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills that go beyond the default fight-or-flight responses is vital for personal growth.
- ๐ค **Unconditional Love**: Providing unconditional love to one's inner child can help enhance self-esteem and create a stronger sense of self-worth.
- ๐ **Exploring Triggers**: Recognizing what triggers the emergence of the inner child and how to respond in a healthy, adult manner is a key aspect of healing.
Q & A
What is the main focus of the presentation by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes?
-The presentation focuses on healing the inner child, identifying behaviors that can traumatize the inner child, understanding the impact of such trauma, and exploring strategies for healing.
Why are emotional wounds considered as problematic as physical wounds?
-Emotional wounds are considered as problematic as physical wounds because they can lead to the development of unhealthy behaviors and a lack of effective coping mechanisms when faced with similar situations in the future.
What is the role of a caregiver in the development of a child's emotional well-being?
-A caregiver plays a crucial role in providing comfort, protection, and love to a child. When a caregiver engages in hurtful behaviors, it can lead to confusion and emotional trauma for the child, impacting their emotional well-being.
How can a caregiver's behavior, such as shaming and criticizing, affect a child's self-esteem?
-When a caregiver shames and criticizes a child, especially in front of others or regularly, it can make the child feel like they can't do anything right. This can lead to a fear of rejection and abandonment, negatively affecting their self-esteem.
What is the impact of a caregiver's conditional love on a child's emotional development?
-Conditional love, where a caregiver withholds love based on the child's behavior, is extremely damaging as it is akin to abandonment and rejection. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and difficulty in forming secure attachments in the future.
How can a person with a wounded inner child identify and change their default patterns of behavior?
-They can identify their default patterns by recognizing which behaviors they learned from their family of origin and how these patterns were used to stay safe. They can then learn new, healthier behaviors and check their reactions to ensure they are acting from an adult perspective rather than a child's.
What is the concept of 're-parenting' in the context of healing the inner child?
-Re-parenting refers to the process of learning how to respond to oneself in a nurturing way, as one would to a child. It involves validating one's feelings, providing comfort, and helping oneself deal with overwhelming emotions in a healthy manner.
How can enmeshment be a traumatizing behavior for a child?
-Enmeshment occurs when caregivers violate a child's emotional and mental boundaries by controlling every aspect of the child's life. This intrusive behavior makes the child feel unsafe and can lead to a loss of autonomy and self-identity.
Why is it important to validate the feelings of the inner child during the healing process?
-Validating the inner child's feelings is important because it acknowledges the child's emotional experience and creates a sense of safety and acceptance. This is a crucial step in helping the inner child feel secure and in processing past traumas.
What are some core issues that people with a wounded inner child often face?
-Core issues include needing to be in control, inability to trust, over responsibility, perfectionism, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, neglecting their own needs, inauthenticity, and impulsivity.
How can creating a secure attachment with oneself help in healing the inner child?
-Creating a secure attachment with oneself involves developing self-compassion, understanding, and validation. This helps in providing the emotional safety needed for the inner child to express feelings, learn new coping mechanisms, and heal from past traumas.
Outlines
๐ Healing the Inner Child: Understanding and Coping with Childhood Trauma
Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes introduces the topic of healing the inner child, explaining how emotional wounds in childhood can lead to trauma and affect behavior later in life. She discusses how a child's inability to receive comfort from caregivers can result in emotional wounds that don't heal properly, leading to feelings of insecurity and the development of unhealthy behaviors. The importance of recognizing that emotional wounds are as serious as physical ones is emphasized, and the role of caregivers in potentially causing these wounds is highlighted.
๐ Caregiver Behaviors that Wound the Inner Child
This paragraph delves into specific behaviors of caregivers that can wound a child's inner self, such as physical or emotional withdrawal, shaming, criticizing, blaming, teasing, and betraying the child's trust. It also touches on the impact of these behaviors on the child's sense of safety and self-worth, and how these behaviors can lead to a child feeling responsible for the caregiver's emotions and actions.
๐ง Identifying and Healing the Wounded Inner Child
The focus shifts to identifying the core issues that arise from a wounded inner child and exploring strategies for healing. It discusses the impact of inauthentic self-presentation, envy, criticism, perfectionism, and other traits that may stem from a child's need to feel safe and accepted. The paragraph also addresses the concept of 're-parenting' the wounded inner child and learning new, healthier behaviors to replace those learned from caregivers.
๐ค Core Issues and Emotional Regulation
This section discusses the core issues common among individuals with a wounded inner child, such as the need for control, perfectionism, emotional dysregulation, and low self-esteem. It also addresses the importance of developing skills to deal with emotional situations, which typically involve defining, downregulating, and addressing emotions in a healthy manner. The paragraph highlights the impact of trauma on a child's development and the tendency for some individuals to remain stuck in fight-or-flight mode.
๐ก๏ธ Creating Safety and Validation for the Inner Child
The paragraph emphasizes the importance of creating a safe environment for the inner child and developing a secure attachment with oneself. It outlines steps for healing, such as validating the inner child's feelings, setting healthy boundaries, and being authentic. The need for consistency and predictability in self-care and the role of encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy are also discussed.
๐ช Empowering the Inner Child Through Authenticity and Love
This part of the script focuses on giving the inner child a voice, preparing for resistance when setting boundaries, and the importance of consistency in acknowledging the inner child's feelings. It also discusses the role of encouragement in helping the inner child feel safe to try new things and the necessity of responding to the inner child's needs for coping and problem-solving. Authenticity and the expression of feelings are highlighted as key to healing.
๐ค Getting to Know and Integrate the Inner Child
The final paragraph discusses the process of getting to know the inner child, recognizing when the inner child's default mode is triggered, and the importance of validation and response to help the child feel safe. It also addresses the process of assessing oneself for current behaviors, envisioning new responses, and helping the inner child grieve past losses. The concept of forgiveness as a means of releasing past grievances and moving forward is introduced.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กInner Child
๐กTrauma
๐กEmotional Wounds
๐กCaregivers
๐กAuthentic Self
๐กEmotional Regulation
๐กSecure Attachment
๐กGrief
๐กBoundaries
๐กSelf-Esteem
๐กRe-parenting
Highlights
The inner child can become wounded or traumatized when children are unable to get comfort, leading to emotional wounds that don't heal properly.
Wounded inner children often withdraw and develop unhealthy behaviors to prevent rejection or abandonment.
Caregivers who enact traumatizing behaviors, such as physical or emotional withdrawal, can create chaos and confusion for the child.
Shaming, criticizing, and humiliating a child can make them feel unsafe and fear rejection or abandonment.
Blaming and guilting a child for a caregiver's problems can wound their self-esteem and sense of security.
Teasing, laughing at, or belittling a child can make them feel self-conscious and unsafe.
Manipulating a child for personal gain or betraying their trust can lead to feelings of embarrassment and shame.
Patronizing and invalidating a child's feelings can prevent them from learning healthy emotional regulation.
Enmeshment, where caregivers control the child's life, violates boundaries and makes the child feel powerless.
Withholding love or conditional love can be extremely damaging, akin to abandonment and rejection.
Adults may adopt maladaptive behaviors from their caregivers, such as storming out or invalidating feelings.
Insecure children may become envious or critical of others to protect their own sense of self-worth.
Perfectionism may stem from a belief that doing everything right will earn love and acceptance from caregivers.
Overly conforming to others' will in adult relationships may be a carryover from seeking caregiver approval as a child.
Passive aggression may result from unexpressed feelings due to fear of humiliation or invalidation.
Taking on an overdeveloped parent script and pretending to be strong can stem from chaotic family environments.
Distrusting others may arise from regular experiences of mockery, rejection, or invalidation in childhood.
Controlling or withdrawing behaviors in adult relationships may be a reaction to feeling unsafe as a child.
Wounded inner children often have low self-esteem due to a lack of secure attachments and unconditional love in childhood.
Difficulty with emotional regulation can result from not learning these skills during secure caregiver interactions.
Polarized, all-or-nothing thinking can persist in those who were exposed to trauma and primarily operate in fight-or-flight mode.
Fear of failure and high anxiety levels may stem from a world view shaped by a traumatic childhood.
Internalized caregiver coping and interpersonal behaviors can be adopted and used in adult relationships.
Emotional and interpersonal skill development may be stunted at the age of trauma, leading to stuck patterns of behavior.
Common core issues for wounded inner children include needing control, inability to trust, perfectionism, and impulsivity.
Examining past behaviors and asking how they helped stay safe can provide insight into current reactions.
Creating safety and a secure attachment with oneself is the first step in healing the inner child.
Using the mnemonic VVISSL - Visceral Validation, Intimacy, Safety, and Self-Love - can enhance emotional awareness and connection.
Setting healthy boundaries with caregivers when they engage in old, harmful behaviors is crucial for protecting the inner child.
Authenticity involves giving the inner child a voice and allowing it to express feelings without fear of invalidation.
Consistency and predictability in acknowledging and addressing the inner child's needs is important for buildingๅฎๅ จๆ(security).
Encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy help the inner child learn it's safe to take risks and try new things.
Helping the inner child with coping and problem-solving involves teaching better ways to handle distressing situations.
Allowing the inner child to be authentic and express feelings and thoughts promotes healing and self-acceptance.
Unconditional love and reassurance can help enhance the inner child's self-esteem and sense of safety.
Exploring whether current distress is coming from the inner child or the adult self is an important step in addressing it.
Getting to know the inner child involves recognizing when it is emerging and responding in a validating, safe way.
Assessing current behaviors and their origins can help identify problematic patterns and envision healthier alternatives.
Mentally rehearsing new, healthier responses to old triggers helps strengthen the neural pathways for these new behaviors.
Allowing the inner child to grieve losses and process grief is crucial for healing and moving forward.
Identifying blocks to grieving, such as denial or fear of rejection, can help in overcoming them and allowing the healing process.
Respecting and integrating the inner child involves creating a personal bill of rights and taking things slowly with curiosity.
Forgiving the inner child and the adult self for past mistakes and making amends allows for release and forward progress.
Transcripts
CEUs for this presentation can be found at AllCEUs.com/ICGrief-CEU
Hey there everybody and welcome to this presentation on healing the inner child
i'm your host dr dawn elise snipes in this presentation we're going to learn about the inner child we'll identify examples of behaviors that can traumatize the inner child and impacts of that
trauma on the inner child we'll then move on to looking at core issues faced by many people with
a wounded inner child and finish up by exploring strategies to begin healing that inner child
so who are we talking about here well when children are wounded or traumatized and
cannot get comfort they often withdraw well when that happens the wound either doesn't
heal correctly or it stays open and a lot of times here we're talking about emotional wounds
but it's important to recognize that emotional wounds are just as problematic as physical wounds
when a similar situation arises in the future the child still does not have an
effective way to deal with it and they still feel unsafe this may lead to the development
of unhealthy behaviors to prevent rejection or abandonment and try to stay as safe as possible
unfortunately a lot of times the people who enact these traumatizing behaviors are the caregivers
and that can create a lot of chaos because the child is gets confused they have this caregiver
that's supposed to protect them and love them unconditionally but they're engaging in all of
these hurtful behaviors some of these behaviors physical or emotional withdrawal or abandonment
now sometimes that can be because the caregiver has a mental health issue or an addiction issue
you know there are things that can prevent the caregiver from being able to be physically or
emotionally present but the child doesn't understand that and it's important to
help the child process that in order to prevent it from being a problem but in this situation
you know the caregiver is either physically or emotionally absent or they intentionally
withdraw so if the child doesn't act the way the caregiver wants the caregiver may storm out of
the house or emotionally withdraw and give the child the cold shoulder and not talk to
them for two or three days and the child feels very anxious at that point in time because they
know somewhere back in their primitive brain that they rely on this caregiver to survive
other behaviors include shaming and criticizing when the child doesn't do things right when the
child isn't perfect when the child doesn't live up to the caregiver's ideals and expectations
there's constructive feedback but when the behavior is when the information is shaming
and criticizing especially if it humiliates the child maybe they are shamed and criticized
in front of other people or they are regularly shamed and criticized so the child doesn't feel
like they can do anything right which makes them fear rejection which makes them fear abandonment
blaming and guilting is another behavior that can wound a child because
and this happens when a parent blames the child for how they feel you know it's your fault that
i'm stressed out all the time or it's your fault that your father and i broke up guilting the child
we would be able to pay the rent if we didn't have to get you new shoes every three weeks
there are a lot of things that caregivers can say that can make the child feel like it's their
fault that things are bad which again makes them fear rejection and abandonment you know
if i'm making things really bad for you when is it that you're just going to cut me loose
teasing laughing at or belittling the child for making mistakes for failures or even
for exhibiting emotions can make them feel self-conscious and unsafe manipulating the child
to for their own gain can also be a very toxic behavior betraying the child if they say
that i'm going to be at your recital and then they don't show up and this isn't just a one-time thing
it's a regular i make a promise and i fail to keep it or i tell you that i'm going to keep
something private maybe the child shared something very private with their caregiver and then their
caregiver goes and blabs it to the neighbors and everybody else in the family the child feels
embarrassed ashamed you know self-conscious unsafe patronizing and invalidating the child's feelings
also can be very traumatizing caregivers are responsible for helping children learn how to
identify and modulate their feelings and cope with life on life's terms we're not born with
those skills and when a child comes to a caregiver and expresses their emotions and the caregiver
belittles it and tells them that they're overreacting or ignores them or makes
fun of them then the child not only feels self-conscious and ashamed of their feelings
but they also still don't know how to deal with these overwhelming feelings they're having
enmeshment is another example of a traumatizing behavior and that's when the caregivers violate
the child's emotional and mental boundaries and tell the child what they're going to do
what they're going to grow up to be what they like what they don't like what they feel
etc and it doesn't matter what the child says the caregiver
is very insistent about directing every aspect of the child's life and
that that's very intrusive and again feels very unsafe because the message the child is
receiving is your thoughts feelings wants and needs don't matter i will tell you
what you're going to do and conditional love when a caregiver withholds love from a child
when the child doesn't behave appropriately or when the child doesn't do what the caregiver wants
that is extremely damaging because withholding love is tantamount to abandonment and rejection
so think about which behaviors did your caregivers use and in what ways do you use them now
and you may be thinking what i don't want to we learn what we live
and if your caregivers responded in a certain way for example if one of your caregivers whenever
they didn't get their own way they stormed out or if your caregivers never talked about feelings and
or invalidated one another's feelings then you may have picked up those behaviors because those were
the only ones you were taught now you can learn other behaviors but it's important to recognize
which patterns you have which default patterns you have that you learned from your family of origin
that you learned in order to help you stay safe it doesn't necessarily mean it's a healthy pattern of
behavior so it's important to to check those think of situations in which these things happen to you
they may not have all happened to you but some of them may have what would have been a more
nurturing response so if you came home one day and you were telling your caregiver about breaking up
with your first love and you know you felt completely overwhelmed and devastated which
you know most people do when they break up with their first love and the caregiver either ignored
it or minimized it and said oh that's puppy love you know just ignore it you'll be fine tomorrow
or whatever they said but they didn't take you seriously they didn't validate your feelings
they didn't help you figure out okay what do i do with this you know swirling ball of emotion
then you are probably left feeling very unsafe and emotionally abandoned
so the question is what would you rather them have done envision them responding
appropriately and this will give you clues about how you need to respond to yourself now
so when you start feeling in the present when you start feeling overwhelmed like you've
got this huge ball of swirling emotions what can you tell yourself how can you
validate those feelings and how can you deal with it what is a more nurturing response that you can
do because ultimately you're probably going to have to do something that we call re-parenting
the wounded inner child learned how to relate to others based on what they had to do to stay
safe they may have developed an inauthentic or a false self they presented whatever facade they
thought was going to get them accepted so they were kind of like a little chameleon and they
spent immense amounts of energy just trying to be the person that everybody else wanted them to be
well that prevents them from being who they are that prevents them from being authentic
they may be envious or critical
when they were in the childhood relationships they may have felt
insecure and when people are insecure sometimes they're envious and critical of others in order
to make sure that other people are not valued more than they are so i'll point out all of your faults
just to make sure that mom knows that you know you're imperfect too they may be perfectionistic
they may have learned that if they do everything perfectly then maybe just maybe they will get
love and acceptance from their caregiver they may be overly conforming which kind of goes
with that inauthentic self you know they do whatever the caregiver wants them to do and in
adult relationships you know they carry this through they're overly conforming to the wills and
whims of their significant other even if it goes against what they want they deny or hide feelings
or are passive aggressive they may have received the message that it wasn't safe to express their
feelings because they would be humiliated mocked um invalidated patronized whatever
so they may not feel safe expressing their feelings so they may deny them they may hide them
or they may come out passive aggressively where instead of saying that really hurt my feelings
they may say no it's it's okay it's it's all good you can tell by the sarcasm that it's not all
good but they're too afraid to actually say yeah this whatever happened really hurt my feelings
they may have an overdeveloped parent script if there was a lot of chaos in the house or chaos in
the relationships they may have had to take on the role of the parent as well as the child because
the parent was not meeting their emotional needs the parent was not meeting their needs for love
so they had to take on both relationships just to try to survive because they were basically
living in isolation even though they were living in a house full of other people
they may have had to always pretend to be strong because showing emotion showing weakness or
needing something was discouraged or even mocked in their household they may be distrusting well
if you're regularly encountering situations in which you're being mocked rejected made fun of
invalidated then yeah it's hard to feel safe it's hard to trust that others are going to be kind and
loving and accepting of you it's hard to trust that you're going to be safe in a relationship
the wounded inner child may have learned to control or withdraw
in their prior relationships if they weren't in control if they weren't perfect if they didn't
have you know everything kind of figured out then it was unsafe so it was better to get out and
in adulthood a lot of times people may react in the same way they're either in total control of
the relationship and what's going on or they cut bait break up run away get out and finally they
may act out prior relationships so if they used to interact in a particular way with their primary
caregiver they may take that way of interacting and project it on their significant other
when they get into a relationship so they may be replaying that old dysfunctional relationship
people with wounded inner children often have low self-esteem secure attachments secure
relationships help us build our self-esteem if the child never experienced security
unconditional love validation acceptance then yeah they're probably going to have difficulty
looking at themselves and going i'm all that in a bag of chips and who wouldn't want to be with me
they may have difficulty with emotional regulation as i said we are not born with that skill
in order to regulate our emotions we have to a be able to define them identify them when we
feel them b be able to down regulate to get out of that default fight or flight mode and c be able to
develop skills or have skills to deal with those situations once we're in our wise mind
a four-year-old doesn't have that and
we learn that by interacting with our parents we learn that when we are at the playground and
somebody's mean to us and we run to our caregiver and they help us calm down and help us figure out
what to do you know that is part of that secure relationship that is part of that learning process
the wounded inner child may continue to have polarized thinking
unfortunately and we'll talk about this in a second a lot of times
development in certain areas gets slowed down when people are exposed to trauma
so children may continue to think in all or nothing terms because they are operating mainly
in that default mode fight-or-flight network most of the time because they feel unsafe they feel
anxious so they're constantly in fight-or-flight mode when you're in fight-or-flight mode
you're not in your your wise mind you're not in let's explore all the possibilities
fight or flight tends to be very polarized in its thinking i'm either safe or i'm unsafe there may
be low motivation because of fear of failure you know why should i try anything because
every time i try i get laughed at ridiculed or rejected anyway they may fear abandonment or just
generally have high levels of anxiety because the world seems like a very scary hostile place
and they may have internalized caregiver coping and interpersonal behaviors
so they as we talked about earlier they may have learned you know the way their caregiver
interacted they may have internalized those behaviors so now they have started using those
same behaviors in adult relationships many times the child's emotion regulation and interpersonal
skills development gets stuck at the age of the trauma or aces so if the child is you know
not an adolescent yet they are thinking very concretely and if they start feeling very
unsafe at this point in time then they may kind of get stuck in that default fight-or-flight mode
which prevents them from effectively learning new coping skills the child will feel unsafe
which strengthens the connections between the amygdala and the default mode network
when the salience in a motion network so this is another when the child notices
stimuli that are similar to or reminiscent of prior threatening experiences it triggers that
fight or flea response again and the person starts reacting in their emotional mind
based on that old schema it's the the brain's going i've been here before i know what to do
many people with a wounded inner child have very similar core issues one needing to be in control
inability to trust over responsibility and perfectionism high tolerance for inappropriate
behavior sometimes called enabling neglecting their own needs in off the inauthenticity or
an inability to be feel comfortable telling people how they feel or being who they are
being authentic and impulsivity maybe they don't play the tape all the way through so
when something happens they run away they break up they just they cut bait instead of playing it
all the way through and saying what is it how is it that i really want this to resolve with each
of these behaviors or each of these issues it's important to look back at them and ask yourself
how did this help you stay safe in the past how did needing to be in control help you stay safe
how is it a result of what you experienced based on what you experienced how did that
create this need in you to be in control now and when your need to be in control is triggered
when you start feeling that you need to be the one in control
is that absolutely necessary now in order to keep you safe or are you acting from
old messages old ways of reacting are you acting from that
child's perspective versus the adult's perspective so look through each of these behaviors that
may have been developed in order to help you stay safe and answer those questions for yourself
other core issues are the direct result of feeling unsafe and that can be fear of
abandonment low self-esteem grief emotion dysregulation and depression and anxiety
so it's important to think about how did this issue come about as a result of feeling unsafe
so why is it that feeling unsafe causes you to fear abandonment and we kind of talked about
that already when children feel unsafe when they don't feel like their caregivers are going to
love them are going to accept them then they may fear that they're going to be abandoned
how can you help your inner child feel validated and safe so when your inner child starts to fear
abandonment and maybe you're in a relationship and you start to feel that you know uncomfortable
feeling in your gut and you're like oh this this is going to be bad this person's getting ready
to leave they're texting somebody else whatever when you start having those fears how can you
help your inner child feel validated and safe and notice the word i keep saying first is validated
even if that's not happening that's how the child feels so it's important to validate that
inner child and note that okay i'm noting this feeling in the pit of my stomach i'm recognizing
that my inner donalise is feeling very unsafe right now or fearing that i could be abandoned
okay so you've validated that that's your feeling now what do you need to do to stay safe
the first step in healing is creating safety we cannot begin to experience or explore those
wounds until we feel safe which means you're going to have to feel safe with yourself when
you you're going to have to feel safe that you if you feel a feeling if that inner child starts
coming out and saying i'm anxious or i'm angry it's not going to get invalidated by adult you
that says i don't have time for this right now you're overblowing it you're
you know out of control it your inner child needs to know that you're going to take it seriously
we do this by developing a secure attachment with yourself this is the same kind of attachment you
want to develop with other people eventually but first you need to develop it with that inner child
and i use the mnemonic visceral validation to enhance emotional awareness you feel a feeling
it's not good it's not bad it just is you're acknowledging it you're validating it you're
not saying it's right or wrong you're just saying this is how you feel inner child intimacy
a connection to try to understand the child's point of view once you acknowledge that feeling
you say you know i you're feeling anxious right now help me understand intimacy is when you say
help me understand why you're feeling this way i'm curious help me understand what makes you tick
and that's intimacy that's allowing the child to share and be vulnerable
safety and boundaries it's important to create safety for that child so when you start acting
in your adult self you're actually protecting that child
maybe you're interacting with your caregiver and your caregiver starts
engaging in some of those old behaviors shaming blaming manipulating and
you notice that and you start to feel anxious you start to feel angry that's that inner child
coming back out again and it's important to validate that inner child and notice recognize
validate how you're feeling be mindful of it and then set healthy boundaries because adult you
has to form the barrier has to be the protector of child you so you set boundaries and you say
this is not okay i'm not going to allow you to treat me that way or let them know you hurt
my feelings when you did this set a boundary be authentic do all these things in order to
give a voice to that inner child that is now also part of the adult you
this isn't easy a lot of times in families and relationships if they are not used to
you setting boundaries if they're not used to you being authentic there's going to be some recoil
at that so it's important to recognize that and prepare yourself and prepare the inner child for
that you know okay if we do this if we state our feelings mom might get really mad however you know
we need to give her time to to process this we are able to protect ourselves now we are not reliant
on her um not that we want to be abandoned or rejected but it's important to recognize how
the situation is different in the present time in the present context now that you're an adult
versus when you were five six seven eight years old consistency and predictability is important
being consistently mindful of yourself not ignoring invalidating minimizing your inner
child's feelings sometimes because you're too busy and paying attention other times just like
you would if it was an actual you know skin and bone child in real life
you would take time out and address that child's needs
and it's important to do that for your inner child encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy
part of a secure attachment helps children learn that it's safe to go out of that
comfort zone and if you fail okay you fail come back we'll figure out how to pick
pick yourself up and you know try again but it is safe to go out and try new things
um because sometimes you'll succeed and this encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy
is really important it's you're going to feel anxious everybody feels anxious even if they
don't have a wounded inner child when they leave that comfort zone and it's important to
acknowledge that because your inner child is going to be screaming don't do this this is not safe
because it never received re support and encouragement from the caregivers
you need to be responsive to help the inner child with coping and problem solving
the inner child may want to throw it tantrum to beat all tantrums
and acknowledging that is okay but it's also important to help the inner child learn all right
what is a better way to cope with this what are our options
authenticity to feel feelings and grieve losses allowing that child again you know
when we allow people to be authentic they are able to be who they are and they are able to
express their feelings and thoughts which you know going back to the top we validate
i remember when my kids were little because we used to listen to those songs a lot
um on the different sesame street and whatever but i remember times just kind of half skipping
down the down the hall at work singing goober peas you know that was my little inner self
just kind of coming out singing goober peas and it was what it was i was being authentic
but i was also letting my inner child out and i wasn't ashamed of it i was like hey you know we've
all got to have fun um and love unconditional love helps enhance the self-esteem of
you and your inner child loving that child looking back at it um and reflecting and saying you know
what you are a good child you may have made some mistakes even as an adult you may have done
some things you may have made some choices that weren't ideal but you as a human being are lovable
when you're experiencing distress explore whether it's from the inner child you or the adult you
and reassure the inner child that you've got this you know all right i know this is
scary but i've got this i'm your shield i'm here with you we'll do it together
get to know your inner child many times when you react in unhelpful ways you're reacting
from the place of the child's default mode the child is in fight or flee and you are reacting
from their default mode which is based on the skills that they had so you're acting
based with using an eight-year-old skill set instead of a 28 year old skill set
you may find that at work you can engage different behaviors but your personal life is very different
that's because your default network is programmed differently with different schema for work
and personal relationships when you were a child when you were experiencing this trauma you were
not working so personal relationships friendships family that has its own set of memories and rules
that go along with it this is how you act this is what to anticipate etc your adult self is the
one that went to work so your adult self knows how to act and interact at work and there are
very different stimuli at work that are engaged so you're working basically with two different
networks and when you're at work the adult you is often engaged start to recognize when your inner
child is emerging and a lot of times you can notice this because you're acting like a child
instead of an adult and what i mean is you know sometimes it can be fun to be giddy for a minute
but if you're throwing a temper tantrum that's probably your inner child coming out explore why
you know non-judgmentally why is it that i'm being triggered right now what's going on
how can you validate and respond to that child so they feel safe as soon as children are validated
and feel safe they often de-escalate significantly so what can you do to
validate and respond to that child another way of saying it is what would a parent do
if a child was starting to escalate and and feel anxious
in terms of assessment explore yourself what current behaviors do you have now that you
find problematic did you learn them from your caregivers did they help keep you safe when
you were young are they still an attempt to keep you safe to keep you from being
hurt or feeling vulnerable or rejected what would you rather do instead so if you tend to
yell or throw things or run away or go to sleep or whatever it is you do
that doesn't seem to be helpful what would you rather do instead once you figure that out
envision yourself responding in that way so if you tend to get into disagreements with people
and you have to have control and you get very angry when they don't agree with you
and you want to change how you respond you want to be able to respond more assertively
and less defensively then think about several times when you have responded aggressively
and replay that situation in your mind but this time responding the way that you would like to
respond envision yourself doing it the new way and repeatedly envision yourself doing that the
more you envision yourself doing it the stronger those neural networks are that will be triggered
when you start to encounter a similar situation so if you've practiced a lot then eventually when
somebody disagrees with you instead of going into fight or flee mode you will engage that
new schema that new rule for how to respond think about what you did not develop or get as a child
another way of saying that is what is your inner child angry about still
what are they pouting about and how can you help them grieve that loss or that slight
that's going to involve processing your grief and that's way easier said than done you're going to
go through a process of denial sometimes anger depression acceptance and forgiveness and some
people really recoil when i say forgiveness and i want you to think of forgiveness as a power play
forgiveness and acceptance can kind of be used interchangeably the way i use them forgiveness
is saying what happened happened it can't be changed i am choosing to not continue to have all
of my energy tied up resenting that i am choosing not to give you my energy anymore i am choosing
not to give that situation my energy anymore because i've got other things i can use it for
blocks to grieving though can include not wanting to confront the realities or destroy the illusion
sometimes people want to pretend that they had a storybook childhood in reality it probably wasn't
but they have worked really hard to convince themself that it was really awesome so they may
not want to grieve they may want not want to look too deep because they're afraid that it's
going to pull the curtain back they may fear being overwhelmed when they start processing the grief
and if you're afraid of being overwhelmed counselors and and pastors are really skilled
at helping you process grief they also may fear rejection or abandonment
if they start processing their grief and they start changing and they start
being the person that they want to be and
validating that inner child they may fear that their caregivers will abandon them
some of the behaviors we see people engage in when they're trying to block that grief process
include denial just trying to believe it was a nightmare you know that really didn't happen
my parents really were loving and caring people um trying to make up stories trying
to explain away or make excuses for why things happened or accepting all the blame you know my
parent wouldn't have had to do that if i was a better kid or it was my fault that this happened
other strategies respect and integrate your inner child not just when they're in distress
notice them some days you may get up in the morning and think you know what i want ice cream
for breakfast now that's probably not the best thing to do every day but every once in a while
maybe you need to treat that inner child make a personal bill of rights you have the right to
your feelings you have the right to your thoughts you have the right to grieve what you did not have
you have the right to have expected certain behaviors from your caregivers you get the picture
take it slowly and be curious change is never easy so start making slow changes start experimenting
slowly really work on developing that safe secure foundation relationship with your inner child
and that's going to take some time be curious when it seems to be going awry or you don't understand
why you're feeling a certain way not judgmental be curious don't say i shouldn't be feeling this way
say why why do i feel this way help me understand forgive your inner child and your adult self for
things that you have done maybe you have sabotaged relationships maybe you have
acted out maybe you did run away a bunch of times and cause your parents some grief and distress
okay you did take responsibility for the parts that are your fault you know whatever parts those
are you know you made the choice to do it what have you but remember that in any situation it's
rare that a hundred percent of the responsibility falls on one person especially when we're talking
about children when we're talking about children you know it's important to look at what other
factors were at play and who else bears some of the onus for the responsibility of it remorse
you know if you do something that you regret you're feeling remorse okay you feel bad that
you did it that's healthy holding on to that remorse not so healthy feeling it that tells you
you did something that you're not happy with and you don't want to do it again all right
so what can you do to rectify it maybe you just learn from it so it won't happen again
maybe you need to make amends depends on the situation and then the fourth r stands for release
once you've identified it taken responsibility felt remorse rectified it however you can so it
doesn't happen again then let it go release it and that is again way easier said than done but
after you have made up for it continuing to hold yourself hostage to it
is unfair to you and it prevents you from moving forward
every person has an inner child we grow up but those memories are still a part of us and those
hurt memories those wounded memories tend to stay stored back in the back and
regularly tell us that the world is an unsafe uncaring place when the inner child is wounded
or traumatized and can't get comfort it often withdraws and that wound stays open
the first step is to create a safe non-judgmental environment for the inner child to be authentic
and learn new skills help the child learn that it's okay to be who they are and to feel their
feelings and you will validate them and you will help them cope secondly identify inner
child behaviors and what triggers those behaviors whether it's being controlling or critical or
acting out in some way you know whatever it is we went through a whole list of behaviors
the third step is to begin to identify and rehearse new responses to old triggers
if somebody contradicts you if you fear abandonment if you are feeling vulnerable
and are afraid um because you're afraid you're going to be hurt and you um whatever it is how can
you react how do you want to react differently now instead of doing x you want to fill in the blank
once you identify that then you need to mentally rehearse it the more you rehearse
it the easier easier it will be to call on that new skill to call on that new response
when you're feeling distressed the fourth step is to allow the inner child to identify
and grieve their losses they may be grieving things that are sort of not tangible like
a lost childhood they may be grieving um the fact that because of their childhood they
didn't do things that they wished they could have whatever their griefs griefs are
identify them validate them and help the child or help yourself your inner child process them
don't disenfranchise their grief don't tell them well that's not something to be to to be worried
about or to be grieved if they feel upset about it it's important to grieve it i hope this has
been a helpful introduction to healing the inner child i look forward to seeing you next time
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)
Thanks for rating: