Healing Inner Child: Transformative CBT Methods to Address Abandonment

Improve Your Attachment to Your Inner Child | CBT Tools
6 Aug 202143:52
EducationalLearning
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TLDRIn this insightful presentation, Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes delves into the concept of healing the inner child, a critical aspect of personal development. She explains how emotional wounds in childhood can lead to a range of unhealthy behaviors and core issues in adulthood, such as fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and difficulties with emotional regulation. Dr. Snipes outlines various behaviors that can traumatize a child, including caregiver actions like withdrawal, shaming, blaming, and conditional love. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these issues to foster healing. The presentation guides viewers through strategies for creating a safe environment for the inner child, identifying triggers, and developing new, healthier responses to past traumas. It also touches on the significance of grieving past losses and the role of self-compassion in the healing process. Dr. Snipes encourages viewers to practice self-validation, set boundaries, and foster a nurturing relationship with their inner child, ultimately aiming for a state of secure attachment with oneself.

Takeaways
  • ๐Ÿ˜ข **Identifying the Inner Child**: Recognizing behaviors that can traumatize the inner child and understanding the impact of such trauma is crucial for healing.
  • ๐Ÿค” **Core Issues**: Common issues faced by those with a wounded inner child include fear of rejection or abandonment, low self-esteem, and emotional dysregulation.
  • ๐Ÿ‘ถ **Childhood Wounds**: Emotional wounds in childhood, if not properly addressed, can lead to unhealthy behaviors in adulthood as a means of self-protection.
  • ๐Ÿšซ **Caregiver Behaviors**: Caregivers, often unintentionally, can cause trauma through actions like withdrawal, shaming, blaming, and manipulation, which affect the child's development.
  • ๐Ÿง  **Emotional Mind**: The brain's fight-or-flight response can be triggered by stimuli reminiscent of past traumas, causing individuals to react based on old, unhelpful schemas.
  • ๐Ÿ”„ **Re-parenting**: Healing involves re-parenting the wounded inner child by developing a secure attachment with oneself and providing the nurturing and validation that was missing.
  • ๐Ÿค **Secure Attachment**: Creating a sense of safety and security with one's inner child is foundational to the healing process and involves validation, intimacy, and setting healthy boundaries.
  • ๐Ÿšซ **Authenticity**: Encouraging authenticity and allowing the inner child to express feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment or rejection is essential.
  • ๐Ÿ‹๏ธโ€โ™€๏ธ **Coping Skills**: Developing new coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills that go beyond the default fight-or-flight responses is vital for personal growth.
  • ๐Ÿค— **Unconditional Love**: Providing unconditional love to one's inner child can help enhance self-esteem and create a stronger sense of self-worth.
  • ๐Ÿ” **Exploring Triggers**: Recognizing what triggers the emergence of the inner child and how to respond in a healthy, adult manner is a key aspect of healing.
Q & A
  • What is the main focus of the presentation by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes?

    -The presentation focuses on healing the inner child, identifying behaviors that can traumatize the inner child, understanding the impact of such trauma, and exploring strategies for healing.

  • Why are emotional wounds considered as problematic as physical wounds?

    -Emotional wounds are considered as problematic as physical wounds because they can lead to the development of unhealthy behaviors and a lack of effective coping mechanisms when faced with similar situations in the future.

  • What is the role of a caregiver in the development of a child's emotional well-being?

    -A caregiver plays a crucial role in providing comfort, protection, and love to a child. When a caregiver engages in hurtful behaviors, it can lead to confusion and emotional trauma for the child, impacting their emotional well-being.

  • How can a caregiver's behavior, such as shaming and criticizing, affect a child's self-esteem?

    -When a caregiver shames and criticizes a child, especially in front of others or regularly, it can make the child feel like they can't do anything right. This can lead to a fear of rejection and abandonment, negatively affecting their self-esteem.

  • What is the impact of a caregiver's conditional love on a child's emotional development?

    -Conditional love, where a caregiver withholds love based on the child's behavior, is extremely damaging as it is akin to abandonment and rejection. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and difficulty in forming secure attachments in the future.

  • How can a person with a wounded inner child identify and change their default patterns of behavior?

    -They can identify their default patterns by recognizing which behaviors they learned from their family of origin and how these patterns were used to stay safe. They can then learn new, healthier behaviors and check their reactions to ensure they are acting from an adult perspective rather than a child's.

  • What is the concept of 're-parenting' in the context of healing the inner child?

    -Re-parenting refers to the process of learning how to respond to oneself in a nurturing way, as one would to a child. It involves validating one's feelings, providing comfort, and helping oneself deal with overwhelming emotions in a healthy manner.

  • How can enmeshment be a traumatizing behavior for a child?

    -Enmeshment occurs when caregivers violate a child's emotional and mental boundaries by controlling every aspect of the child's life. This intrusive behavior makes the child feel unsafe and can lead to a loss of autonomy and self-identity.

  • Why is it important to validate the feelings of the inner child during the healing process?

    -Validating the inner child's feelings is important because it acknowledges the child's emotional experience and creates a sense of safety and acceptance. This is a crucial step in helping the inner child feel secure and in processing past traumas.

  • What are some core issues that people with a wounded inner child often face?

    -Core issues include needing to be in control, inability to trust, over responsibility, perfectionism, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior, neglecting their own needs, inauthenticity, and impulsivity.

  • How can creating a secure attachment with oneself help in healing the inner child?

    -Creating a secure attachment with oneself involves developing self-compassion, understanding, and validation. This helps in providing the emotional safety needed for the inner child to express feelings, learn new coping mechanisms, and heal from past traumas.

Outlines
00:00
๐Ÿ˜€ Healing the Inner Child: Understanding and Coping with Childhood Trauma

Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes introduces the topic of healing the inner child, explaining how emotional wounds in childhood can lead to trauma and affect behavior later in life. She discusses how a child's inability to receive comfort from caregivers can result in emotional wounds that don't heal properly, leading to feelings of insecurity and the development of unhealthy behaviors. The importance of recognizing that emotional wounds are as serious as physical ones is emphasized, and the role of caregivers in potentially causing these wounds is highlighted.

05:05
๐Ÿ˜ž Caregiver Behaviors that Wound the Inner Child

This paragraph delves into specific behaviors of caregivers that can wound a child's inner self, such as physical or emotional withdrawal, shaming, criticizing, blaming, teasing, and betraying the child's trust. It also touches on the impact of these behaviors on the child's sense of safety and self-worth, and how these behaviors can lead to a child feeling responsible for the caregiver's emotions and actions.

10:08
๐Ÿง Identifying and Healing the Wounded Inner Child

The focus shifts to identifying the core issues that arise from a wounded inner child and exploring strategies for healing. It discusses the impact of inauthentic self-presentation, envy, criticism, perfectionism, and other traits that may stem from a child's need to feel safe and accepted. The paragraph also addresses the concept of 're-parenting' the wounded inner child and learning new, healthier behaviors to replace those learned from caregivers.

15:13
๐Ÿค” Core Issues and Emotional Regulation

This section discusses the core issues common among individuals with a wounded inner child, such as the need for control, perfectionism, emotional dysregulation, and low self-esteem. It also addresses the importance of developing skills to deal with emotional situations, which typically involve defining, downregulating, and addressing emotions in a healthy manner. The paragraph highlights the impact of trauma on a child's development and the tendency for some individuals to remain stuck in fight-or-flight mode.

20:17
๐Ÿ›ก๏ธ Creating Safety and Validation for the Inner Child

The paragraph emphasizes the importance of creating a safe environment for the inner child and developing a secure attachment with oneself. It outlines steps for healing, such as validating the inner child's feelings, setting healthy boundaries, and being authentic. The need for consistency and predictability in self-care and the role of encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy are also discussed.

25:22
๐Ÿ’ช Empowering the Inner Child Through Authenticity and Love

This part of the script focuses on giving the inner child a voice, preparing for resistance when setting boundaries, and the importance of consistency in acknowledging the inner child's feelings. It also discusses the role of encouragement in helping the inner child feel safe to try new things and the necessity of responding to the inner child's needs for coping and problem-solving. Authenticity and the expression of feelings are highlighted as key to healing.

30:25
๐Ÿค— Getting to Know and Integrate the Inner Child

The final paragraph discusses the process of getting to know the inner child, recognizing when the inner child's default mode is triggered, and the importance of validation and response to help the child feel safe. It also addresses the process of assessing oneself for current behaviors, envisioning new responses, and helping the inner child grieve past losses. The concept of forgiveness as a means of releasing past grievances and moving forward is introduced.

Mindmap
Anticipating future sessions on the topic
Understanding the role of remorse and release
Accepting past actions and moving forward
Curiosity over judgment in self-exploration
Making gradual changes
Creating a personal bill of rights
Validating feelings and desires
Accepting all blame to avoid confronting truth
Denial and making excuses for past events
Concern over changing and losing support systems
Anxiety about processing intense grief
Avoidance of acknowledging a difficult childhood
Choosing to no longer give energy to past resentments
Understanding forgiveness as a power play
Processing emotions through stages of grief
Allowing the inner child to grieve
Envisioning and practicing new responses
Identifying current problematic behaviors
Understanding the triggers for child-like reactions
Recognizing when the inner child is influencing behavior
Reassuring the inner child during fear and anxiety
Distinguishing between adult and inner child distress
Enhancing self-esteem through self-love
Accepting and loving the inner child
Grieving losses and processing emotions
Expressing emotions freely
Addressing tantrums and emotional outbursts
Learning healthier coping mechanisms
Encouraging exploration and risk-taking
Building self-efficacy and resilience
Protecting oneself from harmful behaviors
Expressing true feelings and thoughts
Validating the inner child's feelings
Developing a secure attachment with oneself
Association with abandonment and rejection
Withholding love as a form of punishment
Directive control over the child's life
Violation of emotional and mental boundaries
Lack of support in learning emotional regulation
Dismissal of child's emotions
Breach of trust and confidentiality
Untrustworthiness and broken promises
Effects on self-consciousness and safety
Making the child feel responsible for caregiver's feelings
Public humiliation and regular criticism
Impact on self-esteem and fear of rejection
Child's anxiety and survival instinct
Abandonment by caregivers
Confusion caused by hurtful caregiver behaviors
Caregiver's role in emotional safety
Impact of caregiver behaviors on the child
Withdrawal and emotional wounds in children
Exploring strategies for healing
Identifying behaviors that traumatize the inner child
Understanding the inner child
Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes as the presenter
Looking Forward to Progress
Forgiving Self and Others
Taking it Slow
Respecting the Inner Child
Defense Mechanisms
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Fear of Overwhelm
Fear of Confronting Reality
Forgiveness and Acceptance
Grieving and Processing Loss
Assessment and Change
Getting to Know the Inner Child
Exploring Distress Origins
Unconditional Love
Allowing Authenticity
Coping and Problem Solving
Self-Encouragement and Nurturing
Authenticity and Boundary Setting
Creating Safety
Conditional Love
Enmeshment
Patronizing and Invalidating
Manipulation and Betrayal
Teasing and Belittling
Blaming and Guilting
Shaming and Criticizing
Physical or Emotional Withdrawal
Caregiver Impact
Wounded Inner Child
Presentation Purpose
Host Introduction
Conclusion
Integration and Respect
Challenges and Blocks
Healing Strategies
Traumatizing Behaviors
Inner Child Concept
Introduction
Healing the Inner Child
Alert
Keywords
๐Ÿ’กInner Child
The 'inner child' refers to the emotional and psychological part of a person that represents their younger self, particularly as shaped by childhood experiences. In the video, it is the focus of healing and nurturing, with the understanding that emotional wounds from childhood can significantly impact adult behavior. The concept is central to the video's theme of personal growth and recovery.
๐Ÿ’กTrauma
Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that may cause long-lasting mental or emotional harm. In the context of the video, trauma is linked to behaviors that can wound the inner child, such as physical or emotional withdrawal, shaming, and manipulation. The video discusses the impact of such trauma on the development of unhealthy behaviors and emotional responses.
๐Ÿ’กEmotional Wounds
Emotional wounds are psychological injuries that result from adverse experiences, particularly during childhood. The video emphasizes that these wounds can be as problematic as physical ones, leading to a range of issues including fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. The healing process involves acknowledging and addressing these wounds.
๐Ÿ’กCaregivers
Caregivers, in this context, are individuals who are responsible for the well-being of a child, typically parents or other family members. The video discusses how the behaviors of caregivers, such as shaming, blaming, and betrayal, can lead to the traumatization of a child. It also touches on the importance of recognizing and changing these patterns to foster a healthier inner child.
๐Ÿ’กAuthentic Self
The 'authentic self' is the true personality, feelings, and desires of an individual, as opposed to a facade or role they may adopt to fit in or gain acceptance from others. The video speaks to the importance of being authentic as part of healing the inner child, suggesting that individuals may have developed an inauthentic self to cope with childhood trauma.
๐Ÿ’กEmotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is the ability to identify, understand, and manage one's emotions effectively. The video highlights that children learn emotional regulation through secure relationships with caregivers. When this learning is disrupted due to trauma, it can lead to difficulties in adulthood, such as polarized thinking and low motivation.
๐Ÿ’กSecure Attachment
A secure attachment is a healthy bond between a child and their caregiver, characterized by trust, emotional support, and validation. The video emphasizes the importance of developing a secure attachment with one's inner child as a foundational step in the healing process. This involves creating a safe environment where the inner child feels validated and protected.
๐Ÿ’กGrief
Grief is the natural response to loss, which can include the loss of childhood innocence or the loss of expected care and support from caregivers. The video discusses the need for individuals to allow their inner child to grieve past losses and traumas as part of the healing journey, which involves acknowledging and processing these feelings of loss.
๐Ÿ’กBoundaries
Boundaries are limits that a person sets to protect their emotional and mental well-being. In the video, setting healthy boundaries is presented as a critical aspect of healing the inner child. It involves protecting oneself from harmful behaviors of others and asserting one's needs and rights, which is essential for developing self-respect and self-care.
๐Ÿ’กSelf-Esteem
Self-esteem refers to the overall subjective appraisal of one's own worth. The video connects low self-esteem with the experiences of a wounded inner child, suggesting that the lack of validation and acceptance during childhood can lead to a negative self-image in adulthood. Healing involves rebuilding self-esteem through self-compassion and recognizing one's inherent worth.
๐Ÿ’กRe-parenting
Re-parenting is the process of nurturing and caring for one's inner child as if they were one's own child, providing the emotional support and validation that may have been lacking in childhood. The video uses the term to describe the role that adults must take in healing their inner child by providing the care and understanding that they needed but did not receive.
Highlights

The inner child can become wounded or traumatized when children are unable to get comfort, leading to emotional wounds that don't heal properly.

Wounded inner children often withdraw and develop unhealthy behaviors to prevent rejection or abandonment.

Caregivers who enact traumatizing behaviors, such as physical or emotional withdrawal, can create chaos and confusion for the child.

Shaming, criticizing, and humiliating a child can make them feel unsafe and fear rejection or abandonment.

Blaming and guilting a child for a caregiver's problems can wound their self-esteem and sense of security.

Teasing, laughing at, or belittling a child can make them feel self-conscious and unsafe.

Manipulating a child for personal gain or betraying their trust can lead to feelings of embarrassment and shame.

Patronizing and invalidating a child's feelings can prevent them from learning healthy emotional regulation.

Enmeshment, where caregivers control the child's life, violates boundaries and makes the child feel powerless.

Withholding love or conditional love can be extremely damaging, akin to abandonment and rejection.

Adults may adopt maladaptive behaviors from their caregivers, such as storming out or invalidating feelings.

Insecure children may become envious or critical of others to protect their own sense of self-worth.

Perfectionism may stem from a belief that doing everything right will earn love and acceptance from caregivers.

Overly conforming to others' will in adult relationships may be a carryover from seeking caregiver approval as a child.

Passive aggression may result from unexpressed feelings due to fear of humiliation or invalidation.

Taking on an overdeveloped parent script and pretending to be strong can stem from chaotic family environments.

Distrusting others may arise from regular experiences of mockery, rejection, or invalidation in childhood.

Controlling or withdrawing behaviors in adult relationships may be a reaction to feeling unsafe as a child.

Wounded inner children often have low self-esteem due to a lack of secure attachments and unconditional love in childhood.

Difficulty with emotional regulation can result from not learning these skills during secure caregiver interactions.

Polarized, all-or-nothing thinking can persist in those who were exposed to trauma and primarily operate in fight-or-flight mode.

Fear of failure and high anxiety levels may stem from a world view shaped by a traumatic childhood.

Internalized caregiver coping and interpersonal behaviors can be adopted and used in adult relationships.

Emotional and interpersonal skill development may be stunted at the age of trauma, leading to stuck patterns of behavior.

Common core issues for wounded inner children include needing control, inability to trust, perfectionism, and impulsivity.

Examining past behaviors and asking how they helped stay safe can provide insight into current reactions.

Creating safety and a secure attachment with oneself is the first step in healing the inner child.

Using the mnemonic VVISSL - Visceral Validation, Intimacy, Safety, and Self-Love - can enhance emotional awareness and connection.

Setting healthy boundaries with caregivers when they engage in old, harmful behaviors is crucial for protecting the inner child.

Authenticity involves giving the inner child a voice and allowing it to express feelings without fear of invalidation.

Consistency and predictability in acknowledging and addressing the inner child's needs is important for buildingๅฎ‰ๅ…จๆ„Ÿ(security).

Encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy help the inner child learn it's safe to take risks and try new things.

Helping the inner child with coping and problem-solving involves teaching better ways to handle distressing situations.

Allowing the inner child to be authentic and express feelings and thoughts promotes healing and self-acceptance.

Unconditional love and reassurance can help enhance the inner child's self-esteem and sense of safety.

Exploring whether current distress is coming from the inner child or the adult self is an important step in addressing it.

Getting to know the inner child involves recognizing when it is emerging and responding in a validating, safe way.

Assessing current behaviors and their origins can help identify problematic patterns and envision healthier alternatives.

Mentally rehearsing new, healthier responses to old triggers helps strengthen the neural pathways for these new behaviors.

Allowing the inner child to grieve losses and process grief is crucial for healing and moving forward.

Identifying blocks to grieving, such as denial or fear of rejection, can help in overcoming them and allowing the healing process.

Respecting and integrating the inner child involves creating a personal bill of rights and taking things slowly with curiosity.

Forgiving the inner child and the adult self for past mistakes and making amends allows for release and forward progress.

Transcripts
00:00

CEUs for this presentation can be found at AllCEUs.com/ICGrief-CEU

00:04

Hey there everybody and welcome to this  presentation on healing the inner child

00:07

i'm  your host dr dawn elise snipes in this presentation  we're going to learn about the inner child we'll identify examples of behaviors that can  traumatize the inner child and impacts of that  

00:16

trauma on the inner child we'll then move on to  looking at core issues faced by many people with  

00:23

a wounded inner child and finish up by exploring  strategies to begin healing that inner child  

00:31

so who are we talking about here well when  children are wounded or traumatized and  

00:36

cannot get comfort they often withdraw well  when that happens the wound either doesn't  

00:42

heal correctly or it stays open and a lot of  times here we're talking about emotional wounds  

00:48

but it's important to recognize that emotional  wounds are just as problematic as physical wounds  

00:56

when a similar situation arises in the  future the child still does not have an  

01:01

effective way to deal with it and they still  feel unsafe this may lead to the development  

01:07

of unhealthy behaviors to prevent rejection or  abandonment and try to stay as safe as possible  

01:15

unfortunately a lot of times the people who enact  these traumatizing behaviors are the caregivers  

01:25

and that can create a lot of chaos because the  child is gets confused they have this caregiver  

01:33

that's supposed to protect them and love them  unconditionally but they're engaging in all of  

01:38

these hurtful behaviors some of these behaviors  physical or emotional withdrawal or abandonment  

01:47

now sometimes that can be because the caregiver  has a mental health issue or an addiction issue  

01:53

you know there are things that can prevent the  caregiver from being able to be physically or  

02:00

emotionally present but the child doesn't  understand that and it's important to  

02:06

help the child process that in order to prevent  it from being a problem but in this situation  

02:14

you know the caregiver is either physically  or emotionally absent or they intentionally  

02:23

withdraw so if the child doesn't act the way the  caregiver wants the caregiver may storm out of  

02:30

the house or emotionally withdraw and give  the child the cold shoulder and not talk to  

02:35

them for two or three days and the child feels  very anxious at that point in time because they  

02:43

know somewhere back in their primitive brain  that they rely on this caregiver to survive  

02:50

other behaviors include shaming and criticizing  when the child doesn't do things right when the  

02:57

child isn't perfect when the child doesn't live  up to the caregiver's ideals and expectations  

03:07

there's constructive feedback but when the  behavior is when the information is shaming  

03:14

and criticizing especially if it humiliates  the child maybe they are shamed and criticized  

03:20

in front of other people or they are regularly  shamed and criticized so the child doesn't feel  

03:26

like they can do anything right which makes them  fear rejection which makes them fear abandonment  

03:34

blaming and guilting is another  behavior that can wound a child because  

03:41

and this happens when a parent blames the child  for how they feel you know it's your fault that  

03:47

i'm stressed out all the time or it's your fault  that your father and i broke up guilting the child  

03:56

we would be able to pay the rent if we didn't  have to get you new shoes every three weeks  

04:02

there are a lot of things that caregivers can  say that can make the child feel like it's their  

04:09

fault that things are bad which again makes  them fear rejection and abandonment you know  

04:15

if i'm making things really bad for you when  is it that you're just going to cut me loose  

04:21

teasing laughing at or belittling the child  for making mistakes for failures or even  

04:28

for exhibiting emotions can make them feel  self-conscious and unsafe manipulating the child  

04:36

to for their own gain can also be a very  toxic behavior betraying the child if they say  

04:46

that i'm going to be at your recital and then they  don't show up and this isn't just a one-time thing  

04:53

it's a regular i make a promise and i fail to  keep it or i tell you that i'm going to keep  

04:59

something private maybe the child shared something  very private with their caregiver and then their  

05:05

caregiver goes and blabs it to the neighbors  and everybody else in the family the child feels  

05:11

embarrassed ashamed you know self-conscious unsafe  patronizing and invalidating the child's feelings  

05:20

also can be very traumatizing caregivers are  responsible for helping children learn how to  

05:27

identify and modulate their feelings and cope  with life on life's terms we're not born with  

05:35

those skills and when a child comes to a caregiver  and expresses their emotions and the caregiver  

05:44

belittles it and tells them that they're  overreacting or ignores them or makes  

05:50

fun of them then the child not only feels  self-conscious and ashamed of their feelings  

05:56

but they also still don't know how to deal  with these overwhelming feelings they're having  

06:02

enmeshment is another example of a traumatizing  behavior and that's when the caregivers violate  

06:09

the child's emotional and mental boundaries  and tell the child what they're going to do  

06:16

what they're going to grow up to be what  they like what they don't like what they feel  

06:20

etc and it doesn't matter what  the child says the caregiver

06:28

is very insistent about directing  every aspect of the child's life and  

06:36

that that's very intrusive and again feels  very unsafe because the message the child is  

06:40

receiving is your thoughts feelings wants  and needs don't matter i will tell you  

06:46

what you're going to do and conditional love  when a caregiver withholds love from a child  

06:56

when the child doesn't behave appropriately or  when the child doesn't do what the caregiver wants  

07:03

that is extremely damaging because withholding  love is tantamount to abandonment and rejection  

07:13

so think about which behaviors did your caregivers  use and in what ways do you use them now  

07:20

and you may be thinking what i  don't want to we learn what we live  

07:25

and if your caregivers responded in a certain way  for example if one of your caregivers whenever  

07:31

they didn't get their own way they stormed out or  if your caregivers never talked about feelings and  

07:38

or invalidated one another's feelings then you may  have picked up those behaviors because those were  

07:47

the only ones you were taught now you can learn  other behaviors but it's important to recognize  

07:53

which patterns you have which default patterns you  have that you learned from your family of origin  

08:02

that you learned in order to help you stay safe it  doesn't necessarily mean it's a healthy pattern of  

08:08

behavior so it's important to to check those think  of situations in which these things happen to you  

08:15

they may not have all happened to you but some  of them may have what would have been a more  

08:22

nurturing response so if you came home one day and  you were telling your caregiver about breaking up  

08:28

with your first love and you know you felt  completely overwhelmed and devastated which  

08:36

you know most people do when they break up with  their first love and the caregiver either ignored  

08:42

it or minimized it and said oh that's puppy love  you know just ignore it you'll be fine tomorrow  

08:48

or whatever they said but they didn't take you  seriously they didn't validate your feelings  

08:53

they didn't help you figure out okay what do i  do with this you know swirling ball of emotion  

09:00

then you are probably left feeling  very unsafe and emotionally abandoned  

09:07

so the question is what would you rather  them have done envision them responding  

09:14

appropriately and this will give you clues  about how you need to respond to yourself now  

09:22

so when you start feeling in the present when  you start feeling overwhelmed like you've  

09:27

got this huge ball of swirling emotions  what can you tell yourself how can you  

09:33

validate those feelings and how can you deal with  it what is a more nurturing response that you can  

09:40

do because ultimately you're probably going to  have to do something that we call re-parenting

09:48

the wounded inner child learned how to relate  to others based on what they had to do to stay  

09:52

safe they may have developed an inauthentic or  a false self they presented whatever facade they  

10:01

thought was going to get them accepted so they  were kind of like a little chameleon and they  

10:07

spent immense amounts of energy just trying to be  the person that everybody else wanted them to be  

10:15

well that prevents them from being who they  are that prevents them from being authentic  

10:21

they may be envious or critical

10:25

when they were in the childhood  relationships they may have felt  

10:33

insecure and when people are insecure sometimes  they're envious and critical of others in order  

10:40

to make sure that other people are not valued more  than they are so i'll point out all of your faults  

10:46

just to make sure that mom knows that you know  you're imperfect too they may be perfectionistic  

10:54

they may have learned that if they do everything  perfectly then maybe just maybe they will get  

11:03

love and acceptance from their caregiver they  may be overly conforming which kind of goes  

11:10

with that inauthentic self you know they do  whatever the caregiver wants them to do and in

11:19

adult relationships you know they carry this  through they're overly conforming to the wills and  

11:26

whims of their significant other even if it goes  against what they want they deny or hide feelings  

11:34

or are passive aggressive they may have received  the message that it wasn't safe to express their  

11:41

feelings because they would be humiliated  mocked um invalidated patronized whatever  

11:48

so they may not feel safe expressing their  feelings so they may deny them they may hide them  

11:54

or they may come out passive aggressively where  instead of saying that really hurt my feelings  

12:01

they may say no it's it's okay it's it's all good  you can tell by the sarcasm that it's not all  

12:11

good but they're too afraid to actually say yeah  this whatever happened really hurt my feelings  

12:20

they may have an overdeveloped parent script if  there was a lot of chaos in the house or chaos in  

12:27

the relationships they may have had to take on the  role of the parent as well as the child because  

12:33

the parent was not meeting their emotional needs  the parent was not meeting their needs for love  

12:39

so they had to take on both relationships just  to try to survive because they were basically  

12:46

living in isolation even though they were  living in a house full of other people  

12:51

they may have had to always pretend to be strong  because showing emotion showing weakness or  

12:59

needing something was discouraged or even mocked  in their household they may be distrusting well  

13:10

if you're regularly encountering situations in  which you're being mocked rejected made fun of  

13:16

invalidated then yeah it's hard to feel safe it's  hard to trust that others are going to be kind and  

13:23

loving and accepting of you it's hard to trust  that you're going to be safe in a relationship

13:32

the wounded inner child may have  learned to control or withdraw  

13:37

in their prior relationships if they weren't in  control if they weren't perfect if they didn't  

13:42

have you know everything kind of figured out then  it was unsafe so it was better to get out and  

13:54

in adulthood a lot of times people may react in  the same way they're either in total control of  

14:00

the relationship and what's going on or they cut  bait break up run away get out and finally they  

14:09

may act out prior relationships so if they used  to interact in a particular way with their primary  

14:16

caregiver they may take that way of interacting  and project it on their significant other  

14:24

when they get into a relationship so they may  be replaying that old dysfunctional relationship

14:33

people with wounded inner children often have  low self-esteem secure attachments secure  

14:40

relationships help us build our self-esteem  if the child never experienced security  

14:47

unconditional love validation acceptance then  yeah they're probably going to have difficulty  

14:54

looking at themselves and going i'm all that in a  bag of chips and who wouldn't want to be with me  

15:00

they may have difficulty with emotional regulation  as i said we are not born with that skill  

15:06

in order to regulate our emotions we have to  a be able to define them identify them when we  

15:13

feel them b be able to down regulate to get out of  that default fight or flight mode and c be able to  

15:24

develop skills or have skills to deal with  those situations once we're in our wise mind  

15:32

a four-year-old doesn't have that and  

15:36

we learn that by interacting with our parents  we learn that when we are at the playground and  

15:43

somebody's mean to us and we run to our caregiver  and they help us calm down and help us figure out  

15:48

what to do you know that is part of that secure  relationship that is part of that learning process

15:56

the wounded inner child may  continue to have polarized thinking  

16:01

unfortunately and we'll talk about  this in a second a lot of times  

16:06

development in certain areas gets slowed  down when people are exposed to trauma  

16:13

so children may continue to think in all or  nothing terms because they are operating mainly  

16:21

in that default mode fight-or-flight network most  of the time because they feel unsafe they feel  

16:29

anxious so they're constantly in fight-or-flight  mode when you're in fight-or-flight mode  

16:35

you're not in your your wise mind you're  not in let's explore all the possibilities  

16:43

fight or flight tends to be very polarized in its  thinking i'm either safe or i'm unsafe there may  

16:50

be low motivation because of fear of failure  you know why should i try anything because  

16:55

every time i try i get laughed at ridiculed or  rejected anyway they may fear abandonment or just  

17:02

generally have high levels of anxiety because  the world seems like a very scary hostile place  

17:10

and they may have internalized caregiver  coping and interpersonal behaviors  

17:15

so they as we talked about earlier they may  have learned you know the way their caregiver  

17:20

interacted they may have internalized those  behaviors so now they have started using those  

17:28

same behaviors in adult relationships many times  the child's emotion regulation and interpersonal  

17:35

skills development gets stuck at the age of  the trauma or aces so if the child is you know  

17:44

not an adolescent yet they are thinking very  concretely and if they start feeling very  

17:51

unsafe at this point in time then they may kind  of get stuck in that default fight-or-flight mode  

17:58

which prevents them from effectively learning  new coping skills the child will feel unsafe  

18:05

which strengthens the connections between  the amygdala and the default mode network  

18:10

when the salience in a motion network so  this is another when the child notices  

18:15

stimuli that are similar to or reminiscent of  prior threatening experiences it triggers that  

18:22

fight or flea response again and the person  starts reacting in their emotional mind  

18:28

based on that old schema it's the the brain's  going i've been here before i know what to do

18:37

many people with a wounded inner child have very  similar core issues one needing to be in control  

18:46

inability to trust over responsibility and  perfectionism high tolerance for inappropriate  

18:53

behavior sometimes called enabling neglecting  their own needs in off the inauthenticity or  

19:01

an inability to be feel comfortable telling  people how they feel or being who they are  

19:10

being authentic and impulsivity maybe they  don't play the tape all the way through so  

19:16

when something happens they run away they break  up they just they cut bait instead of playing it  

19:22

all the way through and saying what is it how is  it that i really want this to resolve with each  

19:29

of these behaviors or each of these issues it's  important to look back at them and ask yourself  

19:35

how did this help you stay safe in the past how  did needing to be in control help you stay safe  

19:43

how is it a result of what you experienced  based on what you experienced how did that  

19:51

create this need in you to be in control now  and when your need to be in control is triggered  

20:00

when you start feeling that you  need to be the one in control  

20:04

is that absolutely necessary now in order  to keep you safe or are you acting from  

20:12

old messages old ways of  reacting are you acting from that  

20:16

child's perspective versus the adult's perspective  so look through each of these behaviors that

20:25

may have been developed in order to help you  stay safe and answer those questions for yourself  

20:35

other core issues are the direct result  of feeling unsafe and that can be fear of  

20:40

abandonment low self-esteem grief emotion  dysregulation and depression and anxiety  

20:48

so it's important to think about how did this  issue come about as a result of feeling unsafe  

20:56

so why is it that feeling unsafe causes you to  fear abandonment and we kind of talked about  

21:02

that already when children feel unsafe when they  don't feel like their caregivers are going to  

21:08

love them are going to accept them then they  may fear that they're going to be abandoned

21:19

how can you help your inner child feel validated  and safe so when your inner child starts to fear  

21:27

abandonment and maybe you're in a relationship  and you start to feel that you know uncomfortable  

21:35

feeling in your gut and you're like oh this this  is going to be bad this person's getting ready  

21:40

to leave they're texting somebody else whatever  when you start having those fears how can you  

21:48

help your inner child feel validated and safe and  notice the word i keep saying first is validated  

21:56

even if that's not happening that's how the  child feels so it's important to validate that  

22:03

inner child and note that okay i'm noting this  feeling in the pit of my stomach i'm recognizing  

22:11

that my inner donalise is feeling very unsafe  right now or fearing that i could be abandoned  

22:20

okay so you've validated that that's your  feeling now what do you need to do to stay safe

22:31

the first step in healing is creating safety  we cannot begin to experience or explore those  

22:41

wounds until we feel safe which means you're  going to have to feel safe with yourself when  

22:48

you you're going to have to feel safe that you  if you feel a feeling if that inner child starts  

22:54

coming out and saying i'm anxious or i'm angry  it's not going to get invalidated by adult you  

23:00

that says i don't have time for this  right now you're overblowing it you're  

23:05

you know out of control it your inner child needs  to know that you're going to take it seriously  

23:13

we do this by developing a secure attachment with  yourself this is the same kind of attachment you  

23:18

want to develop with other people eventually but  first you need to develop it with that inner child  

23:24

and i use the mnemonic visceral validation to  enhance emotional awareness you feel a feeling  

23:32

it's not good it's not bad it just is you're  acknowledging it you're validating it you're  

23:37

not saying it's right or wrong you're just  saying this is how you feel inner child intimacy  

23:45

a connection to try to understand the child's  point of view once you acknowledge that feeling  

23:51

you say you know i you're feeling anxious right  now help me understand intimacy is when you say  

23:58

help me understand why you're feeling this way  i'm curious help me understand what makes you tick  

24:07

and that's intimacy that's allowing  the child to share and be vulnerable  

24:15

safety and boundaries it's important to create  safety for that child so when you start acting  

24:26

in your adult self you're  actually protecting that child  

24:30

maybe you're interacting with your  caregiver and your caregiver starts  

24:37

engaging in some of those old behaviors  shaming blaming manipulating and

24:44

you notice that and you start to feel anxious  you start to feel angry that's that inner child  

24:51

coming back out again and it's important to  validate that inner child and notice recognize  

24:59

validate how you're feeling be mindful of it and  then set healthy boundaries because adult you  

25:06

has to form the barrier has to be the protector  of child you so you set boundaries and you say  

25:15

this is not okay i'm not going to allow you  to treat me that way or let them know you hurt  

25:22

my feelings when you did this set a boundary  be authentic do all these things in order to

25:31

give a voice to that inner child that  is now also part of the adult you  

25:39

this isn't easy a lot of times in families  and relationships if they are not used to  

25:45

you setting boundaries if they're not used to you  being authentic there's going to be some recoil  

25:53

at that so it's important to recognize that and  prepare yourself and prepare the inner child for  

26:01

that you know okay if we do this if we state our  feelings mom might get really mad however you know  

26:10

we need to give her time to to process this we are  able to protect ourselves now we are not reliant  

26:20

on her um not that we want to be abandoned or  rejected but it's important to recognize how  

26:27

the situation is different in the present time  in the present context now that you're an adult  

26:34

versus when you were five six seven eight years  old consistency and predictability is important  

26:44

being consistently mindful of yourself not  ignoring invalidating minimizing your inner  

26:51

child's feelings sometimes because you're too  busy and paying attention other times just like  

26:59

you would if it was an actual you  know skin and bone child in real life

27:07

you would take time out and  address that child's needs  

27:12

and it's important to do that for your inner child  encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy  

27:20

part of a secure attachment helps children  learn that it's safe to go out of that  

27:27

comfort zone and if you fail okay you fail  come back we'll figure out how to pick  

27:34

pick yourself up and you know try again  but it is safe to go out and try new things  

27:41

um because sometimes you'll succeed and this  encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy  

27:48

is really important it's you're going to feel  anxious everybody feels anxious even if they  

27:54

don't have a wounded inner child when they  leave that comfort zone and it's important to  

28:01

acknowledge that because your inner child is going  to be screaming don't do this this is not safe  

28:09

because it never received re support  and encouragement from the caregivers

28:18

you need to be responsive to help the  inner child with coping and problem solving  

28:23

the inner child may want to throw  it tantrum to beat all tantrums

28:29

and acknowledging that is okay but it's also  important to help the inner child learn all right  

28:37

what is a better way to cope  with this what are our options  

28:44

authenticity to feel feelings and grieve  losses allowing that child again you know  

28:52

when we allow people to be authentic they are  able to be who they are and they are able to  

28:59

express their feelings and thoughts which  you know going back to the top we validate  

29:06

i remember when my kids were little because  we used to listen to those songs a lot  

29:11

um on the different sesame street and whatever  but i remember times just kind of half skipping  

29:18

down the down the hall at work singing goober  peas you know that was my little inner self  

29:24

just kind of coming out singing goober peas  and it was what it was i was being authentic  

29:31

but i was also letting my inner child out and i  wasn't ashamed of it i was like hey you know we've  

29:37

all got to have fun um and love unconditional  love helps enhance the self-esteem of  

29:46

you and your inner child loving that child looking  back at it um and reflecting and saying you know  

29:55

what you are a good child you may have made  some mistakes even as an adult you may have done  

30:02

some things you may have made some choices that  weren't ideal but you as a human being are lovable  

30:12

when you're experiencing distress explore whether  it's from the inner child you or the adult you  

30:19

and reassure the inner child that you've  got this you know all right i know this is  

30:25

scary but i've got this i'm your shield  i'm here with you we'll do it together

30:33

get to know your inner child many times when  you react in unhelpful ways you're reacting  

30:38

from the place of the child's default mode the  child is in fight or flee and you are reacting  

30:45

from their default mode which is based on  the skills that they had so you're acting  

30:52

based with using an eight-year-old skill  set instead of a 28 year old skill set  

30:59

you may find that at work you can engage different  behaviors but your personal life is very different  

31:05

that's because your default network is programmed  differently with different schema for work  

31:11

and personal relationships when you were a child  when you were experiencing this trauma you were  

31:18

not working so personal relationships friendships  family that has its own set of memories and rules  

31:28

that go along with it this is how you act this  is what to anticipate etc your adult self is the  

31:36

one that went to work so your adult self knows  how to act and interact at work and there are  

31:44

very different stimuli at work that are engaged  so you're working basically with two different  

31:51

networks and when you're at work the adult you is  often engaged start to recognize when your inner  

31:59

child is emerging and a lot of times you can  notice this because you're acting like a child  

32:04

instead of an adult and what i mean is you know  sometimes it can be fun to be giddy for a minute  

32:11

but if you're throwing a temper tantrum that's  probably your inner child coming out explore why  

32:19

you know non-judgmentally why is it that i'm  being triggered right now what's going on  

32:25

how can you validate and respond to that child so  they feel safe as soon as children are validated  

32:34

and feel safe they often de-escalate  significantly so what can you do to  

32:40

validate and respond to that child another  way of saying it is what would a parent do  

32:47

if a child was starting to  escalate and and feel anxious

32:56

in terms of assessment explore yourself what  current behaviors do you have now that you  

33:03

find problematic did you learn them from your  caregivers did they help keep you safe when  

33:09

you were young are they still an attempt  to keep you safe to keep you from being  

33:15

hurt or feeling vulnerable or rejected what  would you rather do instead so if you tend to  

33:23

yell or throw things or run away or  go to sleep or whatever it is you do  

33:30

that doesn't seem to be helpful what would  you rather do instead once you figure that out  

33:37

envision yourself responding in that way so if  you tend to get into disagreements with people  

33:46

and you have to have control and you get  very angry when they don't agree with you  

33:52

and you want to change how you respond you  want to be able to respond more assertively  

33:57

and less defensively then think about several  times when you have responded aggressively  

34:06

and replay that situation in your mind but this  time responding the way that you would like to  

34:13

respond envision yourself doing it the new way  and repeatedly envision yourself doing that the  

34:22

more you envision yourself doing it the stronger  those neural networks are that will be triggered  

34:30

when you start to encounter a similar situation  so if you've practiced a lot then eventually when  

34:38

somebody disagrees with you instead of going  into fight or flee mode you will engage that  

34:44

new schema that new rule for how to respond think  about what you did not develop or get as a child  

34:55

another way of saying that is what  is your inner child angry about still  

34:59

what are they pouting about and how can you  help them grieve that loss or that slight

35:11

that's going to involve processing your grief and  that's way easier said than done you're going to  

35:17

go through a process of denial sometimes anger  depression acceptance and forgiveness and some  

35:25

people really recoil when i say forgiveness and i  want you to think of forgiveness as a power play  

35:33

forgiveness and acceptance can kind of be used  interchangeably the way i use them forgiveness  

35:39

is saying what happened happened it can't be  changed i am choosing to not continue to have all  

35:48

of my energy tied up resenting that i am choosing  not to give you my energy anymore i am choosing  

35:55

not to give that situation my energy anymore  because i've got other things i can use it for  

36:03

blocks to grieving though can include not wanting  to confront the realities or destroy the illusion  

36:10

sometimes people want to pretend that they had a  storybook childhood in reality it probably wasn't  

36:17

but they have worked really hard to convince  themself that it was really awesome so they may  

36:26

not want to grieve they may want not want to  look too deep because they're afraid that it's  

36:31

going to pull the curtain back they may fear being  overwhelmed when they start processing the grief  

36:38

and if you're afraid of being overwhelmed  counselors and and pastors are really skilled  

36:45

at helping you process grief they  also may fear rejection or abandonment  

36:51

if they start processing their grief  and they start changing and they start

36:59

being the person that they want to be and  

37:02

validating that inner child they may fear  that their caregivers will abandon them  

37:09

some of the behaviors we see people engage in  when they're trying to block that grief process  

37:15

include denial just trying to believe it was  a nightmare you know that really didn't happen  

37:20

my parents really were loving and caring  people um trying to make up stories trying  

37:27

to explain away or make excuses for why things  happened or accepting all the blame you know my  

37:34

parent wouldn't have had to do that if i was a  better kid or it was my fault that this happened

37:43

other strategies respect and integrate your  inner child not just when they're in distress  

37:50

notice them some days you may get up in the  morning and think you know what i want ice cream  

37:57

for breakfast now that's probably not the best  thing to do every day but every once in a while  

38:03

maybe you need to treat that inner child make  a personal bill of rights you have the right to  

38:10

your feelings you have the right to your thoughts  you have the right to grieve what you did not have  

38:19

you have the right to have expected certain  behaviors from your caregivers you get the picture  

38:29

take it slowly and be curious change is never easy  so start making slow changes start experimenting  

38:40

slowly really work on developing that safe secure  foundation relationship with your inner child  

38:49

and that's going to take some time be curious when  it seems to be going awry or you don't understand  

38:55

why you're feeling a certain way not judgmental be  curious don't say i shouldn't be feeling this way  

39:02

say why why do i feel this way help me understand  forgive your inner child and your adult self for  

39:12

things that you have done maybe you have  sabotaged relationships maybe you have  

39:18

acted out maybe you did run away a bunch of times  and cause your parents some grief and distress

39:26

okay you did take responsibility for the parts  that are your fault you know whatever parts those  

39:36

are you know you made the choice to do it what  have you but remember that in any situation it's  

39:44

rare that a hundred percent of the responsibility  falls on one person especially when we're talking  

39:49

about children when we're talking about children  you know it's important to look at what other  

39:55

factors were at play and who else bears some of  the onus for the responsibility of it remorse  

40:03

you know if you do something that you regret  you're feeling remorse okay you feel bad that  

40:09

you did it that's healthy holding on to that  remorse not so healthy feeling it that tells you  

40:17

you did something that you're not happy with  and you don't want to do it again all right  

40:23

so what can you do to rectify it maybe you  just learn from it so it won't happen again  

40:30

maybe you need to make amends depends on the  situation and then the fourth r stands for release  

40:38

once you've identified it taken responsibility  felt remorse rectified it however you can so it  

40:44

doesn't happen again then let it go release it  and that is again way easier said than done but

40:54

after you have made up for it continuing  to hold yourself hostage to it  

41:03

is unfair to you and it  prevents you from moving forward  

41:11

every person has an inner child we grow up but  those memories are still a part of us and those  

41:17

hurt memories those wounded memories  tend to stay stored back in the back and  

41:24

regularly tell us that the world is an unsafe  uncaring place when the inner child is wounded  

41:32

or traumatized and can't get comfort it  often withdraws and that wound stays open  

41:38

the first step is to create a safe non-judgmental  environment for the inner child to be authentic  

41:44

and learn new skills help the child learn that  it's okay to be who they are and to feel their  

41:49

feelings and you will validate them and you  will help them cope secondly identify inner  

41:56

child behaviors and what triggers those behaviors  whether it's being controlling or critical or  

42:03

acting out in some way you know whatever it  is we went through a whole list of behaviors  

42:09

the third step is to begin to identify  and rehearse new responses to old triggers  

42:15

if somebody contradicts you if you fear  abandonment if you are feeling vulnerable  

42:22

and are afraid um because you're afraid you're  going to be hurt and you um whatever it is how can  

42:30

you react how do you want to react differently now  instead of doing x you want to fill in the blank  

42:39

once you identify that then you need to  mentally rehearse it the more you rehearse  

42:45

it the easier easier it will be to call on  that new skill to call on that new response  

42:52

when you're feeling distressed the fourth  step is to allow the inner child to identify  

42:58

and grieve their losses they may be grieving  things that are sort of not tangible like  

43:07

a lost childhood they may be grieving um the  fact that because of their childhood they  

43:15

didn't do things that they wished they  could have whatever their griefs griefs are  

43:22

identify them validate them and help the child  or help yourself your inner child process them  

43:30

don't disenfranchise their grief don't tell them  well that's not something to be to to be worried  

43:35

about or to be grieved if they feel upset about  it it's important to grieve it i hope this has  

43:42

been a helpful introduction to healing the inner  child i look forward to seeing you next time