Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity

TEDx Talks
16 Sept 201417:39
EducationalLearning
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TLDRIn this insightful talk, the speaker explores the distinction between lust and love, highlighting four key signs to differentiate the two. Lust is driven by physical attraction and idealization, while love is characterized by oxytocin production, fostering emotional bonding. The speaker offers strategies to reignite lust in long-term relationships, such as engaging in novel activities, introducing surprise, and participating in arousal-producing activities. The emphasis is on the importance of love as the foundation for lasting relationships, suggesting that lust can be rekindled but is not the glue that holds relationships together.

Takeaways
  • 💓 The initial phase of a relationship often involves intense feelings of attraction and desire, which can be physiologically overwhelming.
  • ❤️ Lust is primarily driven by physical and sexual attraction, whereas love involves a deeper emotional connection and the production of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes bonding.
  • 👀 Lust can lead to idealizing a partner, overlooking flaws and focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.
  • 🔍 A decline in lust is a natural part of romantic relationships, but it can potentially transform into love over time.
  • 🤝 One sign of love is the desire for a partner to connect with and be integrated into one's social circle, including friends and family.
  • 💬 The use of 'we' language instead of 'I' language can indicate a deeper bond and a sense of being a couple, which is a sign of love.
  • 💌 In love, individuals tend to engage in self-disclosure, sharing personal and intimate details of their lives with their partner.
  • 🔗 Love is characterized by mutual influence, where decisions and significant life events are discussed and considered jointly.
  • 🎢 To reignite lust in a long-term relationship, engaging in new and novel activities can recreate the excitement and arousal of the early stages.
  • 😲 Adding an element of surprise and mystery can enhance lust by reintroducing the 'wow' factor that is often present at the beginning of a relationship.
  • 🏋️‍♀️ Arousal-producing activities can transfer the excitement and adrenaline to the relationship, effectively reigniting passion.
Q & A

  • What is the common experience described at the beginning of a new relationship?

    -The script describes an experience of intense feelings, including the inability to eat or sleep, constant thoughts about the person, racing heart, and an adrenaline rush when seeing the other person. This is often referred to as an obsession.

  • What is the main difference between the feelings of lust and love according to the speaker?

    -The speaker explains that lust is primarily based on physical and sexual attraction, whereas love is a profound emotion that involves oxytocin production, promoting relaxation and emotional bonding.

  • How does the speaker define 'connection' in the context of love?

    -Connection in love is defined by the desire for one's partner to be involved with important people in one's life, spending time with friends and family, and being introduced to one's interests and social circles.

  • What does the speaker suggest as a linguistic cue to distinguish between lust and love?

    -The speaker suggests that the use of 'we' language instead of 'I' language is a cue to distinguish between lust and love, as it indicates a sense of unity and intertwined lives.

  • How does self-disclosure differ between lust and love as described in the script?

    -In lust, self-disclosure is limited to superficial aspects, whereas in love, individuals reveal extensive and intimate information about themselves, including dreams, aspirations, and secrets.

  • What is the inevitable part of romantic relationships that the speaker's research shows?

    -The speaker's research shows that lust declines in all romantic relationships as time goes on, which is an inevitable part of the relationship's evolution.

  • Can lust be reignited in a long-term relationship, and if so, how?

    -Yes, lust can be reignited in a long-term relationship. The speaker suggests three behaviors: doing new and novel activities, using the element of surprise, and engaging in arousal-producing activities.

  • What does the speaker mean by 'arousal-producing activities'?

    -Arousal-producing activities refer to actions that create an adrenaline rush or excitement, such as exercising together, watching a comedy or scary movie, or riding a roller-coaster. The arousal from these activities can be transferred to the relationship.

  • What is the main difference between lust and love in terms of influence on one another?

    -In love, one person's actions or decisions significantly influence the other, leading to mutual support and shared experiences. In lust, this level of influence and interconnectedness is typically not present.

  • How does the speaker describe the role of surprise and mystery in maintaining lust in a relationship?

    -The speaker suggests that surprise and mystery can enhance lust by recreating the 'oh, wow!' factor and keeping the relationship interesting, which can be achieved through unexpected gestures or activities.

  • What is the 'glue' that keeps long-term relationships together and happy according to the speaker?

    -The speaker states that love is the glue that keeps long-term relationships together and happy, characterized by interconnectedness, mutuality, interdependence, and extensive self-disclosure.

Outlines
00:00
💘 Understanding the Difference Between Lust and Love

The speaker, an expert in romance and relationships, discusses the intense feelings experienced at the start of a new relationship, often confused with love. Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction, leading to idealization of the partner and a temporary blindness to their flaws. The speaker promises to reveal four signs that can help differentiate lust from love, suggesting that understanding these differences can provide clarity in romantic relationships.

05:01
🔍 Four Signs to Distinguish Lust from Love

The speaker outlines four cues to distinguish between lust and love. The first sign is 'connection', where love involves integrating the partner into one's social circle, while lust does not. The second sign is the use of 'we' language in love, indicating a sense of unity and shared identity, as opposed to 'I' language often used in lust. The third sign is 'self-disclosure', where love encourages sharing deep personal information, unlike lust which remains superficial. The fourth sign is mutual influence, where decisions and life events significantly affect both partners in love. These signs help in understanding the nature of one's feelings towards a partner.

10:03
🔥 Reigniting Lust in Long-Term Relationships

The speaker explores the possibility of reigniting lust in long-term relationships, which naturally decline over time. She suggests three strategies to rekindle passion: engaging in new and novel activities to recreate the excitement of the early stages of a relationship; introducing surprise and mystery to keep the relationship interesting; and participating in arousal-producing activities that can transfer the adrenaline rush to the romantic partner. These methods aim to bring back the initial spark and maintain a passionate connection.

15:06
💞 The Importance of Love in Long-Term Relationships

In conclusion, the speaker emphasizes that while lust can be fun and exciting, it is love that serves as the foundation for long-lasting relationships. Love is characterized by deep emotional bonds, mutual support, and self-disclosure. The speaker encourages combining both lust and love in a relationship, suggesting that they are not mutually exclusive and can coexist to create a fulfilling and passionate romantic life. She ends with a call to action, urging the audience to apply these insights to enhance their relationships.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Lust
Lust, in the context of the video, refers to a strong sexual desire or attraction towards someone, often characterized by physical and sexual arousal. It is depicted as an intense but temporary feeling that can be a part of the early stages of a romantic relationship. The script mentions that lust is associated with behaviors that can be seen as obsessive, such as constantly thinking about the other person and feeling an adrenaline rush in their presence.
💡Love
Love, as discussed in the video, is a profound emotion with a physiological foundation, distinct from lust. It is associated with the production of the hormone oxytocin, which promotes relaxation, emotional bonding, and closeness. Love is portrayed as a deeper, more enduring connection that involves mutuality, interconnectedness, and a desire for the partner to be integrated into one's social circle, contrasting with the initial infatuation of lust.
💡Connection
Connection, in the script, signifies the desire for one's partner to be a part of their social and personal life, including friends and family. It is one of the four cues used to distinguish love from lust. When in love, individuals want their partners to connect with the important people in their lives, indicating a deeper emotional bond and a move away from the superficial attraction of lust.
💡We Language
The term 'we language' refers to the use of plural pronouns to describe experiences or actions shared between two people in a relationship. In the video, it is mentioned as an indicator of love, as opposed to 'I' language, which might be more common in lustful relationships where individuals still perceive themselves as separate. The shift from 'I' to 'we' signifies a deeper intertwining of lives and a recognition of the couple as a unit.
💡Self-Disclosure
Self-disclosure is the act of revealing personal information about oneself to another. In the context of the video, it is a key aspect of love, where individuals feel motivated to share their dreams, aspirations, goals, and even secrets with their partner. This contrasts with lust, where self-disclosure is more superficial and limited to less personal topics.
💡Influence
Influence, as used in the script, refers to the impact one person has on the other's decisions and actions within a loving relationship. It is one of the signs that distinguish love from lust. When two people are in love, their choices and desires significantly influence each other, indicating a deep level of commitment and interdependence.
💡Hormones
Hormones are chemical messengers in the body that regulate various physiological processes, including sexual desire and emotional bonding. The video explains that lust is associated with 'sex hormones' that create a sense of urgency and arousal, while love is linked to oxytocin, which fosters relaxation and bonding. Understanding the role of hormones helps to differentiate the physiological responses in lust and love.
💡Idealize
To idealize someone means to see them as perfect or better than they actually are, often overlooking their flaws. In the video, it is mentioned that during the lustful phase of a relationship, people tend to idealize their partners, not seeing them for who they truly are but rather for who they want them to be. This contrasts with the more realistic perception that can develop as love grows.
💡Mutuality
Mutuality is the concept of shared interests, goals, and a sense of being a couple, rather than two separate individuals. The script describes how mutuality increases as people in love intertwine their lives more, leading to the use of 'we' language and a stronger sense of partnership. It is a key aspect of love that goes beyond the individualistic focus of lust.
💡Reignition
Reignition, in the context of the video, refers to the process of reigniting or rekindling the feelings of lust in a long-term loving relationship. The speaker suggests that by introducing new experiences, surprises, and shared activities that produce arousal, couples can recreate the passion that may have faded over time, thus maintaining a balance between lust and love.
Highlights

The speaker has studied romance and relationship patterns for 28 years.

Most people experience an intense feeling at the start of a new relationship.

Lust is characterized by physical and sexual attraction.

In lust, people idealize their partner and overlook flaws.

Lust is known to decline in all romantic relationships over time.

Lust can be reignited in long-term relationships.

Love is associated with the hormone oxytocin, promoting relaxation and bonding.

Four cues differentiate lust from love: connection, 'we' language, self-disclosure, and mutual influence.

In love, individuals want their partner to connect with important people in their life.

Couples in love use 'we' language instead of 'I' language.

Self-disclosure is a key indicator of love, with deeper and more personal sharing.

In love, one person's actions influence the other in meaningful ways.

Three behaviors can reignite lust in a relationship: new activities, surprise, and arousal-producing activities.

New and novel activities create excitement and can rekindle lust.

Surprise and mystery can enhance lust in a relationship.

Arousal from activities can be transferred to a partner or relationship.

Lust and love are different, but both are important in relationships.

Love is the glue that keeps long-term relationships together.

The speaker encourages the audience to apply these insights to rekindle passion in their relationships.

Transcripts

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