How to listen like a therapist: 4 secret skills
TLDRClinical psychologist Dr. Ellen introduces four essential skills therapists use to improve communication and relationships. These skills include reflecting to show understanding, asking about personal experiences to empathize, validating feelings to show compassion, and addressing ambivalence to help individuals navigate conflicting emotions. Dr. Ellen emphasizes that while these skills are simple, they require practice to master and can be instrumental in both personal and professional settings. She also discusses the importance of distinguishing between beneficial discomfort and legitimate signals to stop, providing guidance on how to apply these skills effectively.
Takeaways
- 👂 Reflective Listening: Dr. Ellen emphasizes the importance of truly listening to someone by reflecting back what they say to ensure understanding and show empathy.
- 🧐 Validating Emotions: She advises asking 'what is this like for you?' instead of 'how does that make you feel?' to better understand a person's experience without assuming their emotions.
- 🤔 Validating Experiences: Validation is crucial as it helps individuals feel understood and makes sense of their emotions, without necessarily approving of their actions.
- 🔍 Exploring Ambivalence: Dr. Ellen discusses the concept of ambivalence and the need to understand the reasons behind a person's hesitation to change before offering advice.
- 🤝 Building Empathy: The skills shared are designed to build empathy and compassion, which are essential for effective communication, especially during difficult conversations.
- 💡 Simple but Challenging: The skills may be simple in theory but are challenging to implement in practice, requiring conscious effort to overcome natural urges to interrupt or advise.
- 📈 Sequential Understanding: Reflecting back involves following the sequence of events as described by the person and checking if the understanding is correct.
- 🌟 Shared Understanding: Reflecting helps in achieving a shared understanding and overcoming barriers in communication.
- 🚫 Avoiding Premature Advice: The script advises against offering advice too soon, as it's important to first understand the person's feelings and experiences.
- 🔄 Practice Makes Perfect: Dr. Ellen encourages practice of these skills, acknowledging that they become easier and more effective over time.
- 💌 Personal Application: The video concludes with a personal challenge for the audience to apply these skills in their own lives, particularly during the holiday season and in difficult discussions.
Q & A
What are the four secret skills that a therapist uses to improve relationships?
-The four secret skills are reflection, asking about the person's experience, validation, and understanding ambivalence.
What is the first skill Dr. Ellen emphasizes in therapy?
-The first skill is reflection, which involves listening to what the other person is saying and then reflecting it back to ensure understanding and empathy.
How does the second skill in therapy differ from the common therapist question about feelings?
-The second skill focuses on asking the person how they are experiencing the situation, rather than inquiring about feelings, which is often difficult for individuals to express or understand.
What is the purpose of the third skill, validation?
-Validation helps the person understand that their experience makes sense given the situation, showing empathy and compassion without necessarily agreeing with or supporting the behavior.
What does the term 'ambivalence' refer to in therapy?
-Ambivalence refers to being honestly torn between two different paths or decisions, often in therapy, it means wanting to make a change while struggling due to important reasons.
How can one understand and address ambivalence?
-By asking the person what the ambivalent situation does for them and what they like or dislike about it, one can understand the reasons behind their torn feelings and help them navigate their decision-making process.
What is the importance of reflection in the context of the video?
-Reflection is crucial as it shows that the listener is actually listening and cares about the person's experience, which is the foundation for all other skills in the therapy process.
Why is it important to ask about the person's experience rather than their feelings?
-Asking about the person's experience helps to understand their individual perception and response to a situation, which is often more challenging to articulate or comprehend than feelings.
What is the difference between validation and supporting or approving a person's behavior?
-Validation acknowledges the person's emotions and experience as real and authentic, without necessarily agreeing with or supporting the behavior. It focuses on understanding and empathy, not on endorsing the actions taken.
How can one practice the skills of a therapist in everyday conversations?
-Practicing these skills involves actively listening, reflecting what the other person says, asking about their experience, validating their feelings, and understanding ambivalence. It requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to put aside one's own urges to offer advice or solutions.
What is the significance of the 'get boo it' challenge mentioned in the video?
-The 'get boo it' challenge is about overcoming discomfort that is getting in the way of one's life and is consistent with their values. It encourages practicing the skills of active listening and understanding in situations that might be challenging or uncomfortable.
Outlines
👂 Developing Listening Skills for Enhanced Relationships
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen introduces four key skills therapists use to listen and teach viewers how to apply these skills to improve their relationships. With over fifteen years of experience in therapy, Dr. Ellen emphasizes that these skills, while simple, are often overlooked and require practice. The first skill is reflection, which involves listening to the other person's narrative and reflecting it back to ensure understanding and show empathy. This process helps to clarify the person's experience and fosters a shared understanding, which is foundational for the other skills discussed in the video.
🤔 Understanding Emotions and Validation
The second skill involves asking about the person's experience to understand their emotions better. Dr. Ellen advises against asking 'how does that make you feel?' as it can be unhelpful for those who struggle to articulate their emotions. Instead, she suggests asking about the person's physical and mental state during the experience. The third skill is validation, which is crucial for acknowledging the person's feelings as valid and real, regardless of whether they align with our own understanding. Validation helps to release tension and can be instrumental in helping individuals overcome their challenges. Dr. Ellen stresses that validation is not the same as approval and should be used to help the person make sense of their experiences.
🔍 Addressing Ambivalence and Change
The fourth skill discussed is understanding ambivalence, which is being torn between two decisions or paths. Dr. Ellen explains that before offering advice or solutions, it's important to explore the reasons behind the person's ambivalence. She suggests asking questions that reveal what the person likes or dislikes about their situation and how it helps them. This approach uncovers the underlying motivations and reasons for their behavior, which is essential for meaningful change. Dr. Ellen also mentions the importance of assessing the person's readiness to change on a scale from zero to ten, which provides insight into their mindset and can guide further discussions.
🎄 Practicing Skills During the Holidays and Looking Forward to 2020
In the final paragraph, Dr. Ellen reflects on the upcoming holidays and her personal challenge to practice the listening skills discussed in the video with her extended family. She acknowledges the diversity of beliefs and perspectives that may arise during family interactions and sees this as an opportunity to apply the skills. Dr. Ellen also addresses a comment from a viewer, Julie Herrick, about distinguishing between discomfort that should be pushed through and discomfort that signals a need to stop. She clarifies that 'getting comfortable being uncomfortable' is about overcoming situations that align with one's values and contribute to personal growth. Lastly, Dr. Ellen thanks her audience for their support and teases upcoming content for 2020, expressing excitement for the new year.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Therapeutic Skills
💡Reflecting Back
💡Empathy
💡Validation
💡Ambivalence
💡Listening
💡Understanding
💡Empathy
💡Communication Skills
💡Therapeutic Relationship
Highlights
Dr. Ellen, a clinical psychologist with 15 years of experience, shares four skills therapists use to listen and improve relationships.
The skills are simple but not commonly taught, making them valuable for both personal and professional settings.
Skill one: Reflecting back what the other person says to show active listening and care.
Reflecting helps to clarify understanding and overcome barriers in communication.
Skill two involves asking about the person's experience to gain insight into their emotions and thoughts.
Avoiding generic questions and focusing on the individual's unique experience is key.
Skill three is validation, acknowledging the person's feelings as a real and rational response to their situation.
Validation helps to release tension and can be a powerful tool for overcoming problems.
Skill four is understanding ambivalence, recognizing the conflict between wanting change and the struggle to make it.
Asking about the benefits and drawbacks of a behavior can help uncover ambivalence.
Using a scale to measure readiness for change provides insight into a person's mindset.
The skills are foundational for any further therapeutic intervention.
Practicing these skills can be challenging due to emotional reactions and the urge to advise.
Dr. Ellen encourages viewers to practice these skills to see long-term benefits.
A playlist is available for those interested in learning more about the behind-the-scenes of therapy.
The video also addresses the question of distinguishing between discomfort worth pushing through and signals to stop.
Dr. Ellen clarifies that 'getting comfortable with being uncomfortable' applies to situations aligned with personal values and goals.
The challenge for the week is to practice these listening skills, especially during difficult discussions.
Dr. Ellen shares her personal challenge of applying these skills with her family during the holiday season.
The video concludes with a thank you to the community and a look forward to future content in 2020.
Transcripts
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