Limerence Explained | How to stop obsessively thinking about someone
TLDRIn this video, Maris, an honorary assistant psychologist, discusses limerence, a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979. Limerence is an obsessive fixation on a person, focusing on an idealized version rather than the real individual. The video explains how to identify limerence, distinguishing it from genuine love, and offers strategies to cope, such as recognizing obsessive thoughts, seeking support from friends, and engaging in healthier behaviors. Maris emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and seeking professional help if needed to overcome limerence and build authentic relationships.
Takeaways
- 📚 Limerence is a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979 to describe an obsessive state of infatuation with a person, which can be romantic or non-romantic.
- 💭 Limerence involves creating an idealized 'limerent object' in one's mind, which is a magnified version of the person with exaggerated positive traits and minimized flaws.
- 🔍 The difference between limerence and love is that limerence is self-focused, seeking validation and attention, while love is about reciprocation and wanting the best for the other person.
- 🌀 Limerence can cause mood swings and a constant need for positive reinforcement from the object of affection, leading to discomfort if not received.
- 🤔 Identifying limerence involves self-reflection on the nature of one's feelings, questioning the intensity and appropriateness of the thoughts and actions towards the limerent object.
- 🧐 Recognizing the limerent object as a projection rather than a real person can help in understanding that the feelings are more about personal desires than a genuine relationship.
- 🏋️♂️ Coping with limerence may involve framing it as an addiction, acknowledging compulsive thoughts and feelings, and finding ways to mitigate these emotions.
- 📉 Limerence can last for weeks, months, or even years, and it's important to understand that it will run its course and does not need to be a permanent state.
- 🛑 Strategies for dealing with limerence include setting aside specific times for thinking about the limerent object and focusing on other meaningful relationships.
- 🚫 Cutting out triggers and creating new associations with spaces or situations that were previously linked to the limerent object can help in moving past limerence.
- 💖 It's crucial not to judge oneself for experiencing limerence and to see it as an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement.
Q & A
What is the term 'limerence' and who coined it?
-The term 'limerence' was coined by Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book 'Love and Limerence.' It refers to an obsessive state of infatuation with another person, which can be romantic or non-romantic.
What distinguishes limerence from love or a crush?
-Limerence is characterized by obsessive thoughts and a selfish desire for attention and validation from the object of affection. In contrast, love involves reciprocation, selflessness, and wanting the best for the other person.
What is the concept of the 'limerent object'?
-The 'limerent object' is an idealized mental representation of a person that one has limerent feelings towards. It often exaggerates the positive traits of the person and minimizes their flaws, creating an idyllic image.
How can one determine if they are experiencing limerence?
-Limerence can be identified by a strong reliance on the limerent object for mood validation, a tendency to interpret any action or word from the object as a sign of potential reciprocation, and a lack of genuine validation that the feelings will lead to a relationship.
What is the difference between limerence and a healthy romantic relationship?
-Limerence often involves a one-sided, obsessive focus on an idealized version of another person, whereas a healthy romantic relationship is based on mutual respect, acceptance of each other's flaws, and a foundation of genuine connection.
How can limerence affect a person's daily life and well-being?
-Limerence can lead to de-prioritizing one's own goals, aspirations, and personal life in favor of the limerent object. It can also cause emotional distress and a sense of desperation for validation from the object of affection.
What strategies can be used to cope with limerence?
-Strategies include framing limerence as an addiction, setting aside specific times for thinking about the limerent object, focusing on meaningful relationships, avoiding triggers, and seeking professional help or support from trusted individuals.
Why is it important not to judge oneself for experiencing limerence?
-Judging oneself for limerence can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and perpetuate unhealthy patterns. It's important to acknowledge the state, understand its origins, and work towards self-improvement without self-blame.
How can understanding limerence as an 'addiction' help in managing it?
-Recognizing limerence as an addiction helps in creating a mental separation between the self and the obsessive thoughts, allowing for a more objective approach to managing the feelings and taking steps to mitigate them.
What is the concept of 'riding the wave' in the context of limerence?
-'Riding the wave' refers to the idea of allowing the intense feelings of limerence to peak and then subside naturally, rather than acting on them impulsively, which is a strategy used in managing addictions.
How can one build a healthier perspective on relationships after experiencing limerence?
-One can focus on nurturing existing meaningful relationships, appreciating unconditional love, and understanding that a healthy relationship involves seeing and accepting each other's flaws. Seeking therapy or confiding in close friends can also help in building a healthier perspective.
Outlines
💭 Understanding Limerence
The first paragraph introduces the concept of limerence, a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979, which describes an obsessive infatuation that can be romantic or non-romantic. Maris, an honorary assistant psychologist, explains that limerence is about the idea of a person rather than the person themselves, often idealizing their positive traits while ignoring flaws. Limerence is distinguished from love by its selfish nature, focusing on personal validation and fulfillment of one's fantasies rather than reciprocation and genuine care for the other person's well-being. The paragraph also discusses how limerence can lead to mood swings dependent on the attention received from the object of infatuation and the tendency to interpret any behavior as potential interest.
🔍 Recognizing Limerence and Its Impact
This paragraph delves deeper into identifying limerence, emphasizing the self-centered nature of the infatuation and contrasting it with the selflessness of love. It discusses the tendency of limerent individuals to analyze every action of the object of their affection for signs of potential reciprocation, despite a lack of genuine validation. The speaker suggests self-reflection and seeking external perspectives to determine if the limerent feelings are founded or merely an infatuation with the idea of love. The paragraph also touches on the limerent object as a projection of one's own desires and the importance of distinguishing between the idealized image and the real person.
🛑 Coping with Limerence
The third paragraph offers strategies for coping with limerence, likening it to an addiction that can last for extended periods. It suggests framing limerence within the context of addictive behaviors and recognizing compulsive thoughts as a part of this pattern. The speaker advises creating distance between oneself and the obsessive thoughts, setting specific times for indulging in these feelings, and focusing on meaningful relationships. Additionally, it encourages cutting out triggers and creating new associations to mitigate the impact of limerence on one's life.
🌱 Overcoming Limerence and Fostering Growth
The final paragraph emphasizes the importance of not judging oneself for experiencing limerence and views it as an opportunity for self-improvement and growth. It suggests that limerence may stem from unhealthy relationship patterns learned in the past and that acknowledging and addressing these feelings can lead to a better understanding of oneself. The speaker recommends seeking professional help, engaging with supportive communities, and considering one's own needs and desires in relationships. The paragraph concludes by encouraging self-compassion and viewing the experience as a chance to cultivate healthier relationship dynamics and self-respect.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Limerence
💡Limerent Object
💡Validation
💡Reciprocation
💡Addiction
💡Mood Reliance
💡Fantasy
💡Self-Reflection
💡Unhealthy Patterns
💡Riding the Wave
💡Self-Worth
Highlights
Limerence is defined as an obsessive fixation on a person, often more about the idea of that person rather than the individual themselves.
Limerence is characterized by putting the object of affection on a pedestal and idealizing their positive traits while downplaying their flaws.
The limerent object is a mental template or idea created by an individual about the person they have feelings for, often exaggerating the good qualities they believe they lack.
Limerence is distinguished from love by its selfish nature, focusing on personal validation and attention rather than reciprocation and selflessness.
Individuals in a state of limerence often rely heavily on the attention they receive from the object of their affection to regulate their mood.
Limerence can lead to a constant seeking of validation and positive reinforcement from the object of affection, indicating an obsession with the idea of love rather than a genuine relationship.
The concept of the limerent object helps to distinguish between real feelings for a person and idealized projections of them.
Limerence can be a sign of deeper issues, such as a lack of self-worth or a need for external validation, which may stem from childhood experiences or early relationships.
Understanding that limerence is not a genuine relationship but rather an infatuation can help individuals to challenge obsessive thoughts.
Limerence can last for extended periods, even years, and may require strategies to mitigate its effects on an individual's life.
Framing limerence as an addiction can provide a useful perspective for managing compulsive thoughts and behaviors associated with it.
Cognitive techniques, such as 'riding the wave' of limerent feelings, can help individuals to resist the urge to act on their obsessive thoughts.
Designating specific times to think about the limerent object can provide a controlled outlet for obsessive thoughts and prevent them from interfering with daily life.
Focusing on meaningful relationships and appreciating unconditional love from family and friends can help to counterbalance limerence.
Cutting out triggers or creating new associations with spaces that are associated with the limerent object can help to reduce obsessive thinking.
Self-compassion and viewing oneself non-judgmentally is crucial for individuals experiencing limerence, as it allows for self-improvement and growth.
Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can be beneficial for those struggling with limerence and its impact on their quality of life.
Limerence can serve as an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement, encouraging individuals to work on building healthy relationships.
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