What every new parent should know: Diana Eidelman at TEDxBGU

TEDx Talks
29 May 201412:29
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThe speaker, a former career woman turned family therapist, shares her journey from struggling with the reality of motherhood to understanding the challenges faced by new parents. She discusses the common misconceptions about babies and the emotional turmoil of new parents, particularly career-oriented individuals. The speaker introduces 'the gift' acronym, offering practical advice for new parents to connect with their babies through movement, breathing, feeding, and touch, emphasizing the importance of the parent's role in their child's development.

Takeaways
  • 👶 The speaker had a high-need baby who was very alert and sensitive to changes in their environment.
  • 🤱 The speaker was a successful career woman who felt prepared to be a mother, but found the reality of motherhood challenging with a high-need baby.
  • 🚑 The speaker experienced a strong emotional response when her baby cried, which led to feelings of inadequacy as a mother.
  • 🧠 The internal voice of self-doubt, described as an 'internal prosecutor,' contributed to the speaker's loss of confidence in her parenting abilities.
  • 👩‍🏫 The speaker's career shift to a family and couples therapist was motivated by her personal experiences and the desire to support new parents.
  • 🌐 The script highlights the commonality of the speaker's experience among new, career-oriented parents in developed countries.
  • 📈 There is a significant prevalence of postpartum depression and anxiety in both developing and developed countries, affecting many new parents.
  • 👶🏻 The lack of experience with babies' behaviors and cries is a common issue among new parents, especially those focused on their careers.
  • 🏡 The conflict between a new parent's desire for rest and a baby's need for exploration and movement can create tension in the home.
  • 🧐 The awareness of the potential to negatively impact a child's development through parenting can be daunting and add to parental stress.
  • 👶 The dichotomy between the adult world and the baby's world presents a challenge for new parents, especially when trying to balance work and family life.
  • 🍽️ The acronym 'GIFT' was introduced as a strategy for new parents to cope with the challenges of caring for a newborn: Go, Inhale, Feed, and Touch.
  • 🌟 The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing the role of a parent's body in nurturing a baby's development and well-being.
Q & A

  • What was the speaker's professional background before becoming a parent?

    -The speaker was working in educational tourism for ten years, was successful, and felt sure of herself in her career.

  • How did the speaker describe her firstborn son as a baby?

    -The speaker described her firstborn son as a 'high-need baby' who was very healthy, alert, and wired for survival, noticing any changes in his surroundings.

  • What term does the speaker use to describe babies who are very alert and notice changes in their surroundings?

    -The speaker uses the term 'high-need babies' to describe such babies.

  • How did the speaker's perception of herself change after becoming a mother?

    -The speaker's confidence as a successful career woman dissipated and disappeared after becoming a mother, as she felt she was not a good mom when her baby cried.

  • What career path did the speaker take after her experiences with her firstborn?

    -The speaker became a group facilitator, family therapist, and couples therapist, and opened a service for the support of new parents.

  • What is the acronym the speaker created for new parents and what does it stand for?

    -The acronym the speaker created is 'GIFT', which stands for Get going, Inhale, Feed, and Touch.

  • Why did the speaker believe new parents should focus on their own bodies when their baby cries?

    -The speaker believes new parents should focus on their own bodies because their bodies are the nests in which their baby's brains get wired and their bodies develop.

  • What is the significance of the acronym 'GIFT' in helping new parents deal with their baby's crying?

    -The 'GIFT' acronym provides a strategy for new parents to manage their baby's crying by focusing on activities that can help both the parent and the baby feel better.

  • How does the speaker suggest new parents should handle their baby's crying in terms of movement?

    -The speaker suggests that new parents should move around with their baby, as babies expect movement and it helps release endorphins, making the parent feel happier.

  • What advice does the speaker give regarding feeding both the baby and the parent?

    -The speaker advises that new parents should feed their baby frequently due to their small stomach size and also ensure they themselves are eating nutritious food to sustain their hard work.

  • How does the speaker emphasize the importance of touch in the parent-baby relationship?

    -The speaker emphasizes that touch teaches babies about their bodies and their place in the world, and it also helps parents feel oxytocin levels rising, leading to a stronger bond of love.

Outlines
00:00
🤱 Embracing Parenthood: The Reality of High-Need Babies

The speaker, a career woman who became a mother at 32, shares her experience with her firstborn, a high-need baby. She contrasts her expectations of an 'imaginary baby' with the reality of a baby who was alert and sensitive to changes, leading to sleepless nights and a feeling of inadequacy as a mother. This experience prompted her to become a family and couples therapist, focusing on supporting new parents. She discusses the prevalence of postpartum depression and anxiety in both developed and developing countries, and her journey to understand the challenges faced by new parents in advanced societies.

05:03
🏠 The Struggle of Balancing Baby's Needs with Adult Lifestyles

The speaker delves into the conflict between the desires of new parents for rest and relaxation and the needs of their babies for exploration and movement. She highlights the psychological challenges of parenting, where the fear of damaging one's child's development can be daunting. The speaker also addresses the dichotomy between the adult world and the baby's world, emphasizing the intense, unending work of caring for a newborn without the usual markers of success and accomplishment that adults are accustomed to in their professional lives.

10:03
👶 The GIFT to New Parents: A Four-Step Approach to Parenting

The speaker introduces the acronym 'GIFT' as a strategy for new parents to cope with the challenges of caring for a newborn. 'G' stands for 'Get going', encouraging movement with the baby to release endorphins and improve mood. 'I' is for 'Inhale', suggesting that parents calm themselves to soothe the baby. 'F' represents 'Feed', reminding parents of the importance of nourishing both the baby and themselves. Lastly, 'T' stands for 'Touch', emphasizing the significance of physical contact in teaching babies about their bodies and providing a sense of security. The speaker concludes by emphasizing the role of parents' bodies as the foundation for their babies' brain development and physical growth.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡High-need baby
A 'high-need baby' refers to an infant who requires more attention and care than the average child, often due to heightened sensitivity to their environment. In the video, the speaker describes her firstborn as a high-need baby who would wake up crying at the slightest noise, illustrating the challenges she faced in meeting his needs and the impact on her self-confidence as a new mother.
💡Postpartum depression
Postpartum depression is a type of mood disorder experienced by some women after childbirth, characterized by feelings of intense sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that can affect a mother's ability to care for her child. The video discusses the prevalence of postpartum depression in both developing and developed countries, highlighting the speaker's personal journey and the broader societal implications.
💡Parenting stress
Parenting stress refers to the psychological strain that comes with raising children, particularly in the early stages of a child's life. The speaker in the video talks about the internal voice that told her she wasn't a good mom, which is an example of the stress and self-doubt that can accompany the challenges of new parenthood.
💡Career woman
A 'career woman' is a term used to describe a woman who is focused on her professional life and has achieved success in her career. The speaker identifies herself as a career woman who felt ready to become a mom, but found the reality of motherhood to be quite different from her expectations, emphasizing the contrast between professional success and the challenges of motherhood.
💡Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. In the video, the speaker describes the internal conflict she felt between her preconceived notions of motherhood and the reality of caring for a high-need baby, which led to a loss of her previous self-confidence.
💡Therapeutic services
Therapeutic services encompass a range of professional interventions aimed at helping individuals cope with emotional or psychological issues. The speaker mentions becoming a group facilitator and family therapist to support new parents, indicating her shift from personal struggle to providing assistance to others facing similar challenges.
💡Parental ignorance
Parental ignorance in this context refers to the lack of knowledge or experience in understanding and responding to the needs of a baby. The speaker points out that many new parents, including herself, are ignorant about babies' cries and behaviors, which contributes to the stress of new parenthood.
💡Lifestyle conflict
Lifestyle conflict arises when the interests or routines of parents clash with the needs of their babies. The video describes how the speaker's desire for rest and relaxation at home was at odds with her baby's need for exploration and movement, creating a source of tension in her parenting experience.
💡Psychological awareness
Psychological awareness refers to the understanding of one's own mental processes and emotional responses. The speaker discusses how increased knowledge in psychology made her more aware of the potential to make mistakes in parenting, adding to the stress and anxiety of being a new parent.
💡Quantitative achievement
Quantitative achievement is the measurable success or progress in a task or activity. The speaker contrasts the tangible accomplishments in her career with the intangible and interrupted efforts of parenting, where the sense of achievement is less clear and more challenging to quantify.
💡Oxytocin
Oxytocin, often referred to as the 'love hormone,' is a hormone that plays a role in social bonding, childbirth, and breastfeeding. The speaker mentions the rise in oxytocin levels when touching the baby, which helps create a sense of love and attachment, both for the parent and the child.
💡The GIFT acronym
The GIFT acronym is a tool the speaker created for new parents to help them navigate the challenges of caring for a newborn. It stands for Go, Inhale, Feed, and Touch, and serves as a reminder to engage in activities that can reduce stress and promote bonding with the baby. The acronym is used in the video to provide practical advice for new parents.
Highlights

The speaker was 32 when she had her first child, a career woman with a successful career in educational tourism.

She describes her firstborn as a 'high-need baby' who was very alert and sensitive to changes in his environment.

The speaker felt unprepared for the reality of motherhood, especially the challenges of calming her high-need baby.

Despite her initial struggles, her son grew up to be a calm and relaxed individual.

The speaker's experience led her to become a family and couples therapist, focusing on supporting new parents.

She discusses the commonality of her experience among new, career-oriented parents.

The speaker addresses the prevalence of postpartum depression and anxiety in both developed and developing countries.

She explores the reasons behind the difficulties faced by parents in developed countries with advanced technology and medicine.

The lack of real-world experience with babies and their cries is highlighted as a significant issue for new parents.

The conflict between a parent's lifestyle and a baby's needs for exploration and movement is discussed.

The fear of making parenting mistakes, heightened by knowledge of psychology, is identified as a source of stress.

The dichotomy between the adult world and the baby's world, and the choice parents must make, is examined.

The speaker emphasizes the intense, unending work of caring for a baby, with no breaks or external validation.

The lack of measurable achievement in parenting and its impact on career-oriented individuals is noted.

The importance of focusing on the parent's internal state when the baby cries, rather than just the baby's needs, is suggested.

The acronym 'GIFT' is introduced as a method for new parents to cope with the challenges of parenting.

Each letter of 'GIFT' represents a strategy for new parents to improve their and their baby's well-being.

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of the parent's body as a crucial part of the baby's development.

Transcripts

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Parenting AdviceEmotional SupportNewborn CarePostpartum StressBaby DevelopmentParental AnxietyCoping StrategiesInfant BehaviorParental RoleSelf-Care Tips