The Other Side of Infidelity | Dr. Kevin Skinner | TEDxRiverton

TEDx Talks
26 Mar 201817:58
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThe speaker, a researcher, initiates a live poll on infidelity experiences, sharing personal childhood trauma from witnessing his father's infidelity. He discusses society's inadequate responses to those affected, such as dismissive or harmful advice. Through a study involving thousands, he reveals the prevalence of PTSD-like symptoms in individuals dealing with infidelity, including nightmares, avoidance, self-blame, and hyper-vigilance. The speaker emphasizes the importance of support, understanding, and giving voice to trauma, advocating for a societal response that offers empathy and practical help to those suffering from the emotional aftermath of betrayal.

Takeaways
  • 🔍 The speaker is a researcher who studies people to understand societal issues, focusing on the impact of infidelity and sexual betrayal.
  • 📊 The speaker conducted a live poll to gauge the prevalence of infidelity experiences in the audience, emphasizing the widespread nature of the issue.
  • 👤 The speaker shared a personal story of witnessing his father's infidelity at a young age, which led to his parents' divorce and a lasting family impact.
  • 💔 The speaker highlights the emotional trauma and suffering caused by infidelity, comparing it to PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
  • 🤔 The speaker poses a critical question about how society should respond to those who have experienced infidelity, emphasizing the need for understanding and support.
  • 🚫 The speaker recounts negative responses from friends, family, and even religious leaders that can exacerbate the trauma experienced by the betrayed partner.
  • 📈 Through an online assessment, the speaker discovered that a significant number of individuals are experiencing symptoms similar to PTSD after infidelity.
  • 😔 Statistics shared include high percentages of individuals having nightmares, avoiding places and people, internalizing negative beliefs, and experiencing anxiety.
  • 👥 The speaker suggests that support from understanding individuals, a community, and the expression of trauma are crucial for healing.
  • 📚 The speaker wrote a book titled 'Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal' to share insights and help those dealing with the aftermath of infidelity.
  • 💌 A powerful message is conveyed about the importance of society's response to infidelity, advocating for empathy, support, and acknowledgment of the pain caused.
Q & A

  • What is the main topic discussed in the video?

    -The main topic discussed in the video is the impact of infidelity and sexual betrayal on individuals and society, and how to respond and support those who have experienced it.

  • What is the speaker's profession and how does it relate to the topic?

    -The speaker is a researcher who studies people's experiences, particularly focusing on the effects of infidelity and sexual betrayal, which gives them insight into societal issues and responses to such traumas.

  • What personal experience does the speaker share from his childhood?

    -The speaker shares an experience from his childhood where he witnessed his father with another woman, leading to his parents' divorce, which was a traumatic event that was not discussed for nearly forty years.

  • What is the purpose of the live poll mentioned in the video?

    -The purpose of the live poll is to gather anonymous data on the prevalence of infidelity experiences among the audience, to raise awareness and facilitate a discussion on the topic.

  • What is the significance of the story shared by the lady about her husband's multiple affairs?

    -The story illustrates the lack of understanding and support that individuals who experience infidelity often face, including victim-blaming and dismissive attitudes from family and religious leaders.

  • What challenges do professionals face when dealing with clients who have experienced infidelity?

    -Professionals may struggle with knowing how to effectively support and treat individuals experiencing relationship trauma similar to PTSD, as traditional education might not fully prepare them for the emotional intensity of these sessions.

  • What is the connection made between relationship trauma and PTSD?

    -The speaker and a colleague identified that the symptoms experienced by individuals after infidelity, such as nightmares, avoidance, racing minds, and hypervigilance, are similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

  • What percentage of individuals experiencing infidelity report having suicidal thoughts?

    -According to the data shared in the video, 60% of individuals who have experienced a partner's sexual infidelity have had suicidal thoughts.

  • What are the three most effective ways the speaker found to support someone experiencing infidelity?

    -The three most effective ways are: having someone who is always there for them, having people who understand their experience, and giving the trauma a voice through community and open discussion.

  • What was the outcome of the speaker's father reading the book the speaker wrote about treating trauma from sexual betrayal?

    -The speaker's father apologized to the speaker and their siblings for the pain he caused, and later also apologized to the speaker's mother, showing a personal healing journey and the impact of acknowledging and addressing past traumas.

  • What is the speaker's call to action for society regarding infidelity?

    -The speaker calls for society to respond to the reality of infidelity by nurturing and taking care of those affected, offering support, and acknowledging the pain caused, which can be as simple as a hug, a phone call, or an open conversation.

Outlines
00:00
😔 Impact of Infidelity and Seeking Understanding

The speaker begins by asking the audience to participate in a live poll about infidelity, sharing their own childhood experience of witnessing their father's infidelity. The speaker, a researcher, delves into the emotional aftermath of infidelity, discussing the lack of appropriate societal responses and the potential for further traumatization. Stories are shared to highlight the dismissive and harmful reactions from family and religious leaders, emphasizing the need for empathy and understanding in supporting those who have experienced betrayal.

05:01
😢 The Emotional Turmoil of Infidelity and the Parallel with PTSD

This paragraph details the speaker's professional journey and the realization that the emotional and psychological effects of infidelity can be akin to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The speaker recounts a powerful encounter with a client experiencing intense rage and distress, leading to a commitment to better understand and support those affected by infidelity. An online assessment is mentioned, which revealed that a significant number of individuals are experiencing symptoms similar to PTSD, such as nightmares, avoidance, self-blame, and hypervigilance.

10:02
😭 The Prevalence of Suicidal Thoughts and the Need for Support

The speaker presents alarming statistics about the prevalence of suicidal thoughts among individuals who have experienced their partner's infidelity. They emphasize the importance of providing support and share personal anecdotes about the power of empathy, presence, and understanding in helping those in distress. The speaker also highlights the importance of community and the healing power of shared experiences among people who have gone through similar traumas.

15:07
🤗 The Healing Power of Apologies and Collective Support

In the final paragraph, the speaker discusses the transformative impact of apologies and the importance of collective support in healing from infidelity. They share a personal story of their father's apology, which led to a family healing process. The speaker calls for societal awareness and action, encouraging individuals to offer practical help and emotional support to those affected by infidelity. The talk concludes with a call to strengthen society by reaching out and supporting those who have experienced betrayal.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Infidelity
Infidelity refers to a breach of trust or disloyalty, typically in a committed relationship, where one partner engages in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than their partner. In the video's theme, infidelity is the central issue being discussed, with the speaker sharing personal experiences and exploring the societal and emotional impact of such betrayals. The script mentions the speaker's own childhood experience witnessing his father's infidelity, which led to his parents' divorce.
💡Sexual Betrayal
Sexual betrayal encompasses acts that involve sexual unfaithfulness or dishonesty within a relationship. It is a subset of infidelity and is a significant aspect of the video's narrative, as it directly affects the emotional well-being of those involved. The speaker discusses the concept of sexual betrayal in the context of the emotional trauma it causes, likening the symptoms experienced by those betrayed to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
💡Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
PTSD is a mental health condition triggered by experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event, often involving sexual violence, accidents, or warfare. In the video, the speaker draws a parallel between the symptoms of PTSD and the emotional responses of individuals who have experienced infidelity or sexual betrayal. The script provides statistics on how common PTSD-like symptoms are among those who have been betrayed, such as nightmares, avoidance behaviors, and hypervigilance.
💡Hypervigilance
Hypervigilance is a heightened state of vigilance or watchfulness, often associated with anxiety disorders or trauma. In the context of the video, hypervigilance is used to describe the constant monitoring and suspicion that individuals who have experienced infidelity may exhibit, as they may feel the need to keep track of their partner's actions to prevent further betrayal.
💡Avoidance
Avoidance, in the context of the video, refers to the tendency of individuals who have been betrayed to steer clear of certain people, places, or activities that remind them of the infidelity. This avoidance behavior is a common response to trauma and is cited in the script as a significant symptom experienced by a large percentage of those affected by infidelity.
💡Rage
Rage is an intense feeling of anger. The video script describes a scenario where a woman, after discovering her husband's infidelity, exhibits a state of rage. This emotional response is used to illustrate the depth of the pain and the immediate, visceral reaction to betrayal.
💡Nightmares
Nightmares are disturbing dreams that can cause emotional distress. In the video, nightmares are mentioned as a common symptom experienced by individuals who have been betrayed, indicating that the trauma of infidelity can extend into their sleep, affecting their mental well-being even during times meant for rest.
💡Anxiety
Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The script discusses anxiety as a prevalent symptom among those who have experienced infidelity, often manifesting as a racing mind and a constant state of unease, particularly when the betrayed partner is alone or when their partner is absent.
💡Support
Support, in the video, refers to the assistance and understanding provided to individuals who have experienced infidelity. The speaker emphasizes the importance of offering emotional support, being present, and validating the feelings of those who have been betrayed. Examples from the script include a mother's hug, a religious leader's commitment to regular check-ins, and the creation of a supportive community or 'tribe'.
💡Trauma
Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience that can have lasting emotional effects. The video discusses the trauma of sexual betrayal and how it can lead to symptoms similar to PTSD. The speaker's research and subsequent book aim to address the trauma caused by infidelity and provide guidance on how to heal and cope with its effects.
💡Community
Community, in the context of the video, refers to a group of people who share common interests or experiences and provide mutual assistance and support. The speaker highlights the importance of a supportive community in helping individuals heal from the trauma of infidelity. The script describes a scenario where a woman finds comfort and understanding in a group session with others who have experienced similar betrayals.
💡Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment is the act of recognizing or accepting the truth of a situation. In the video, the speaker shares a personal story where his father acknowledges the pain he caused by his infidelity nearly 40 years prior. This act of acknowledgment is presented as an important step in the healing process, both for the individual who caused the harm and for those who were hurt.
Highlights

The speaker invites the audience to participate in a live poll on infidelity experiences.

Speaker shares a personal story of witnessing his father's infidelity at a young age.

The impact of infidelity on the speaker's family, leading to his parents' divorce.

The audience is asked to consider how they would respond to someone who has experienced infidelity.

A woman's story of being criticized after disclosing her husband's multiple affairs.

The challenge professionals face in providing support for those experiencing infidelity.

The introduction of the concept of relationship trauma, similar to PTSD.

An online assessment revealing the prevalence of trauma symptoms in individuals affected by infidelity.

Over 7,000 individuals have shared their experiences of infidelity with the speaker.

Statistics showing high percentages of individuals with post-traumatic stress symptoms after infidelity.

The importance of a supportive response to those who have experienced infidelity.

The story of a woman finding comfort and support in a group session after a painful disclosure.

The need for a community that understands the trauma of infidelity.

The significance of giving trauma a voice and treating post-traumatic stress symptoms.

The speaker's realization of the importance of acknowledging the pain caused by infidelity.

The societal challenge to respond and support individuals affected by infidelity.

The call to action for society to reach out and strengthen those who are suffering from infidelity.

Transcripts

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InfidelityEmotional TraumaSupportHealingPTSDRelationship BetrayalSexual BetrayalCommunityEmpathyTrauma Response