Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED

The speaker begins by questioning why people cheat, even those who are seemingly happy, and what constitutes infidelity, which can range from a one-night stand to emotional connections formed online. They challenge stereotypes about men cheating out of boredom and women out of loneliness, and note that infidelity is often misunderstood despite its prevalence. The speaker has worked with couples affected by infidelity and highlights the historical double standard that has allowed men to cheat with fewer consequences. They also humorously comment on the evolution of monogamy from a lifelong commitment to a present-day expectation of being with one person at a time.

The speaker discusses the changing definition of infidelity, which now includes activities like sexting and using dating apps. They note the wide range of estimates on infidelity rates due to the lack of a universally agreed-upon definition. The speaker also touches on the hypocrisy in people's attitudes towards infidelity, where 95% disapprove of their partners lying about affairs, yet the same percentage would lie if they were the ones having an affair. They provide a definition of an affair that includes a secretive relationship, emotional connection, and sexual alchemy, emphasizing the power of imagination in creating a sense of infidelity.

The speaker explores the psychological impact of infidelity, explaining how it has evolved from threatening economic security to threatening emotional security in the context of modern romantic relationships. They describe how infidelity can be a betrayal of trust and a crisis of identity, leading individuals to question everything they thought they knew about their lives and relationships. The speaker shares personal stories of patients dealing with the discovery of an affair, illustrating the intense emotional turmoil and the difficulty of maintaining trust and identity in the face of such betrayal.

The speaker delves into the reasons behind why people have affairs, suggesting that it's not always due to problems within the relationship but can stem from a longing for emotional connection, novelty, freedom, and sexual intensity. They argue that affairs are often about seeking a different aspect of oneself or a response to feelings of loss and mortality. The speaker uses the example of a patient, Priya, to illustrate how an affair can be a way to recapture a sense of vitality or to experience a part of life that one feels they have missed out on.

The speaker discusses the possibility of healing and growth following an affair, stating that while some relationships may not survive, others can emerge stronger. They emphasize the importance of honesty and open communication in the aftermath of an affair, suggesting that couples can have deeper conversations following such a crisis. The speaker also provides advice for both the person who had the affair and the one who was betrayed, including expressing remorse, protecting relationship boundaries, and focusing on questions that explore the meaning and motives behind the affair rather than seeking painful details.

In the final paragraph, the speaker addresses the question of whether they are for or against affairs, humorously comparing it to asking if they are for or against cancer. They advocate for a dual perspective on affairs, recognizing both the hurt and betrayal as well as the potential for growth and self-discovery. The speaker concludes by encouraging couples who have experienced an affair to consider it as the end of their first marriage and to think about whether they would like to create a second one together.