We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED
TLDRThe speaker shares her transformative journey through profound loss, recounting the tragic events of 2014 when she lost her second pregnancy, her father to cancer, and her husband to brain cancer within a short span of time. Despite the sorrow, she approaches life with humor and positivity, emphasizing the inevitability of loss for everyone. She has dedicated her career to discussing death and loss, authoring uplifting books, hosting a podcast, and starting a nonprofit. The speaker also co-founded the 'Hot Young Widows Club,' a support group for those who have lost their partners, allowing them to share their experiences in a safe and understanding environment. She challenges the notion of 'moving on' after loss, explaining that it's possible to move forward while still carrying the presence and memory of the departed with you. Her story is a testament to the enduring nature of love and the complexity of grief, which can coexist with happiness and new beginnings.
Takeaways
- π The year 2014 was a transformative year for the speaker, marked by significant personal loss.
- π The speaker experienced the loss of a pregnancy, her father to cancer, and her husband to brain cancer within a short period.
- π Despite the tragedy, the speaker uses humor as a coping mechanism and to connect with others.
- π The speaker challenges the audience to consider their own mortality and the inevitability of loss.
- π¬ She has made it her mission to discuss death and loss openly, not just her own experiences but also those of others.
- π The speaker has authored books, hosts a podcast, and started a nonprofit to help people deal with grief and loss.
- π₯ The Hot Young Widows Club is a support group co-founded by the speaker and her friend Moe, providing a safe space for people who have lost their partners to share.
- π€ The speaker questions the phrase 'moving on' and explains that she has moved forward with the presence of her late husband, not away from him.
- π The act of spreading her late husband's ashes and the emotional connection to the remaining ashes symbolizes the permanent imprint he left on her life.
- β€οΈ The speaker's love for her current husband is intertwined with her grief for her late husband, showing that love and grief can coexist.
- π She emphasizes that grief is not a linear process and that it is possible to experience a range of emotions, including happiness and love, even while grieving.
Q & A
What significant events happened in the speaker's life in 2014?
-In 2014, the speaker experienced the loss of her second pregnancy, the death of her father due to cancer, and the death of her husband Aaron after a three-year battle with stage-four glioblastoma (brain cancer).
How does the speaker describe her social life after these losses?
-The speaker humorously describes her social life as 'packed' and implies that she is often invited out, although the laughter suggests it's more of a coping mechanism than a reflection of a bustling social calendar.
What is the common reaction people have when the speaker talks about her losses?
-People often respond with disbelief and say, 'I can't imagine,' indicating that they find it difficult to conceive the magnitude of her experiences.
Why does the speaker believe that everyone should think about death and loss?
-The speaker believes that everyone should think about death and loss because it's an inevitable part of life that will happen to everyone, and being prepared can help people deal with it when it occurs.
What career has the speaker pursued since her losses?
-The speaker has pursued a career in talking about death and loss, not just her own, but also the experiences of others. She has written books, hosts a podcast, and started a nonprofit to help people become more comfortable with the topic of grief.
What is the 'Hot Young Widows Club' and what is its purpose?
-The 'Hot Young Widows Club' is a support group started by the speaker and her friend Moe, who are both widows. It provides a space for people who have lost their partners to discuss their feelings and experiences with others who have gone through similar situations.
What is the speaker's stance on the phrase 'moving on' in the context of grief?
-The speaker strongly dislikes the phrase 'moving on' as it implies leaving behind the memory and significance of the deceased. Instead, she believes in 'moving forward with' the deceased as a part of her life.
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How does the speaker describe her current life situation?
-The speaker describes her current life as good, having remarried to a man named Matthew, living in the suburbs with four children in a blended family, and owning a rescue dog. She also humorously mentions driving a minivan.
What is the significance of the speaker licking her hands clean after spreading her husband Aaron's ashes?
-The act of licking her hands clean symbolizes the speaker's fear of losing any part of Aaron and her desire to keep him as close to her as possible, even in his physical absence.
How does the speaker view the concept of love after experiencing grief?
-The speaker views love as an enduring and quiet force that connects people even in times of chaos and loss. She emphasizes that love is not a contest or a reality show but an invisible thread of calm.
What does the speaker suggest about the nature of grief and the ability to love again?
-The speaker suggests that grief is a chronic and incurable emotion that coexists with the ability to love again. She emphasizes that a grieving person can still experience happiness, laughter, and even find love again without having 'moved on' from their past.
What message does the speaker want to convey to the audience about grief?
-The speaker wants the audience to understand that grief is a complex and multifaceted emotion that does not prevent a person from moving forward or experiencing joy and love again. She encourages the recognition that grief is a part of life and that it's okay to continue to feel its effects while still living a full life.
Outlines
π A Year of Loss and the Start of a New Career
The speaker reflects on the profound losses she experienced in 2014, including the loss of her pregnancy, her father to cancer, and her husband to brain cancer. Despite the intense grief, she uses humor to cope and connect with others. She has since dedicated her career to discussing death and loss, writing uplifting books, hosting a podcast, and starting a nonprofit. The speaker also co-founded the Hot Young Widows Club, a support group for those who have lost a partner, providing a safe space for members to share their experiences and feelings without judgment.
π The Myth of 'Moving On' and the Reality of Grief
The speaker expresses her dislike for the phrase 'moving on' in relation to grief, arguing that it suggests leaving behind the memory and impact of a loved one. She emphasizes that the presence of those we've lost remains with us, influencing our lives and relationships. The speaker shares her personal journey, including remarrying and building a new family while still feeling connected to her late husband, Aaron. She discusses the misconception that grief is a process that can be completed, and instead describes it as an enduring part of life that coexists with happiness and love.
π€ The Complexity of Grief and the Power of Shared Experiences
The speaker explores the complexity of grief, explaining that it is not a singular event but an ongoing emotion that intertwines with other feelings. She recounts her experiences falling in love with her current husband, Matthew, while still grieving for Aaron, and how this helped her understand the depth of her loss. The speaker challenges the notion that love and grief are opposing forces, instead presenting them as interconnected aspects of the human experience. She calls for empathy and understanding, encouraging people to acknowledge that grief is a chronic condition that can coexist with joy and love. The speaker concludes by stressing the importance of community and support for those navigating the challenges of grief.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Grief
π‘Loss
π‘Moving forward
π‘Present tense
π‘Hot Young Widows Club
π‘Uncomfortable
π‘Multitasking emotion
π‘
π‘Memory
π‘Love
π‘Nonprofit
π‘Podcast
Highlights
The speaker experienced significant personal loss in 2014, including the loss of a pregnancy, the death of her father, and the death of her husband from brain cancer.
Despite the hardships, the speaker maintains a sense of humor and is invited to social events, highlighting the resilience in the face of tragedy.
The speaker challenges the audience to imagine experiencing similar losses, asserting that everyone will face the death of a loved one.
She has made it her career to discuss death and loss, not only her own but also the experiences of others.
The speaker has authored uplifting books, hosts a podcast, and started a nonprofit to help people become more comfortable with grief.
The 'Hot Young Widows Club' is a support group co-founded by the speaker and her friend Moe, providing a space for open conversations about grief.
Grief is uncomfortable, especially when it involves the grief of others, which the speaker aims to address through her work.
The speaker discusses the common yet misguided advice given to those in grief, particularly the phrase 'moving on'.
She has remarried and has a blended family, but emphasizes that she has not 'moved on' from her past, rather she has moved forward with it.
The speaker explains that the presence of her late husband is still very much a part of her life, in her work, her children, and her current marriage.
The ashes of her late husband were spread in his favorite river, symbolizing the lasting connection to him.
The speaker reflects on the profound impact of watching her husband's health deteriorate and the deep emotional imprint it left.
She shares intimate memories with her late husband, illustrating how these moments are permanently etched in her memory.
The speaker met and fell in love with her current husband, Matthew, and describes the complex emotions of loving again after loss.
She emphasizes that love for her late husband and her new love for Matthew are not mutually exclusive but part of the same emotional journey.
The speaker acknowledges that everyone experiences loss and grief differently, but the commonality is that these experiences are profound and lasting.
The speaker concludes by urging the audience to understand that grief is not a linear process and that it coexists with other emotions, including love and happiness.
Transcripts
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