David Brooks | How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

Author Events

2 Nov 202357:20

EducationalLearning

32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRIn this insightful talk, David Brooks discusses the importance of truly seeing and understanding others in a society where people often feel unseen and unheard. Drawing from personal experiences and his book 'How to Know a Person,' Brooks emphasizes the need for empathy, connection, and the development of social skills to foster meaningful relationships. He shares anecdotes and research to highlight the profound impact of genuine understanding and the art of being fully present in our interactions with others.

Takeaways

📚 David Brooks, a renowned writer and commentator, shares his insights on the importance of truly seeing and understanding others in his book 'How to Know a Person'.
🌟 Brooks emphasizes the epidemic of people feeling unseen, unvalued, and unheard, which he believes contributes to increased sadness, anger, and dehumanization in society.
🧐 He highlights the significance of developing social skills to foster meaningful connections, such as being a good listener, revealing vulnerability, and offering criticism caringly.
💡 Brooks advocates for the study of humanities as a practical way to understand others, suggesting that it's crucial for personal and societal well-being.
👀 The 'first gaze' when meeting someone is powerful and communicates whether they are a priority to us, shaping how we perceive and interact with them.
🤝 'Accompaniment' is introduced as an other-centered way of being, which involves simply being present and engaged in someone's life without the need for deep conversations.
🗣️ Brooks stresses the importance of conversation and the ability to ask open-ended, storytelling questions that allow others to express themselves more fully.
🌐 He discusses the challenges of bridging cultural differences and the need for empathy and understanding in a diverse society.
🔄 Brooks shares personal experiences of growth and change, including his shift in political views and his journey towards emotional openness.
💌 The act of truly seeing someone is described as transformative, capable of changing relationships and even societies, as it fosters a deeper sense of understanding and connection.

Q & A

What is David Brooks' profession and how does he describe his role at The New York Times?
-David Brooks is an op-ed columnist with The New York Times. He describes his job as being similar to being the chief Rabbi at Mecca, implying that it's a unique and influential position with limited company.
What is the main theme of David Brooks' new book, 'How to Know a Person'?
-The main theme of 'How to Know a Person' is fostering meaningful connections with others and being deeply seen in every aspect of our lives. It serves as a personal guide to help people see and be seen more effectively.
How does David Brooks describe his upbringing and its impact on his personality and career?
-David Brooks grew up in a somewhat unemotional, upper-class Jewish family in the Philadelphia area. His upbringing taught him to 'think Yiddish, act British,' which influenced his aloof, observational personality style, well-suited for his career in journalism.
What significant realization did David Brooks have during his career as a journalist and commentator?
-David Brooks realized that there is an epidemic of blindness in society, where people often do not feel seen, valued, or heard. He believes this contributes to increased sadness, anger, and disconnection among individuals.
How does Brooks suggest we can improve our social skills and connections with others?
-Brooks suggests that we can improve our social skills by studying the humanities, practicing active listening, asking open-ended questions, and being genuinely curious about others. He emphasizes the importance of treating others with consideration and respect.
What personal changes did David Brooks go through that influenced his perspective and writing?
-David Brooks experienced personal growth where he became more emotionally open and connected to the arts. This transformation was recognized by Oprah during their interviews, highlighting his journey towards becoming more fully human.
What is the significance of the story about the bat that landed on Brooks' lap at a baseball game?
-The story of the bat landing on Brooks' lap signifies a moment of unexpected connection and joy, contrasting his typically reserved and intellectual demeanor. It serves as an example of the value of being present and open to experiences.
How does Brooks describe the impact of technology and social media on human connections?
-Brooks views technology and social media as contributing factors to the dehumanization of society. He suggests that these platforms are driving people crazy and leading to a decrease in meaningful, face-to-face interactions.
What advice does Brooks give for engaging in difficult conversations or connecting with people who are going through tough times?
-Brooks advises to acknowledge the difficulty of the situation, show up consistently, and offer support without judgment. He emphasizes the importance of being present and offering understanding without trying to fix or change the other person's situation.
What is the main message David Brooks conveys about the importance of seeing and being seen?
-Brooks' main message is that truly seeing and being seen are at the core of human connection and moral life. He argues that making an effort to understand and acknowledge others as individuals worthy of respect can counteract the dehumanization prevalent in today's society.
How does David Brooks describe the process of getting to know someone deeply?
-Brooks outlines a process that begins with making meaningful eye contact, followed by accompaniment (being present and engaged in someone's life), and then having genuine conversations. He emphasizes the importance of asking good questions and being an active listener to truly understand someone.

Outlines

00:00

📖 Introduction and Background of David Brooks

The speaker introduces David Brooks, a renowned writer and commentator, highlighting his career achievements and personal background. Brooks is an op-ed columnist for the New York Times, a regular guest on PBS, NPR, and NBC, and has authored five best-selling books, including his latest, 'How to Know a Person.' The speaker also shares a personal connection with Brooks, mentioning their shared Philadelphia roots and Brooks' local upbringing.

05:04

🌟 Personal Growth and the Journey Toward Emotional Openness

David Brooks discusses his personal journey from being emotionally reserved to embracing vulnerability and emotional openness. He shares anecdotes from his life, including his childhood, experiences at the University of Chicago, and his evolution as a journalist and TV commentator. Brooks emphasizes the importance of emotional growth and how it has impacted his writing and perspective on life.

10:06

🤝 The Art of Connection: Skills for Deep and Meaningful Relationships

Brooks delves into the skills required to foster meaningful connections with others. He argues that society has become increasingly disconnected and dehumanized, leading to loneliness and unhappiness. He proposes that treating others with consideration and respect is crucial and that it requires specific social skills, such as active listening, revealing vulnerability, and offering constructive criticism.

15:08

🌈 The Transformative Power of 'Seeing' Others

The speaker shares the profound impact of truly 'seeing' another person, emphasizing the importance of empathy and understanding. He provides examples of how being seen can change lives and societies, from personal stories to historical figures like Franklin Roosevelt and Lyndon Johnson. Brooks suggests that in a dehumanizing age, seeing another human being is the most effective way to fight back.

20:09

🌟 The Essence of Moral Life: Everyday Encounters and Respect

Brooks discusses the essence of moral life, arguing that it is found in the minutiae of everyday encounters rather than grand gestures. He emphasizes the importance of respect and attention in conversations, the power of asking meaningful questions, and the impact of acknowledging and understanding others' experiences and perspectives.

25:10

🤗 The Joy of Being Seen and the Responsibility of Seeing

The speaker reflects on the joy and importance of being seen and understood by others. He shares personal stories of moments when he felt truly seen and the profound effect it had on him. Brooks also discusses the responsibility of being the one who sees others, highlighting the transformative power of empathy and understanding in relationships.

30:12

🌐 Bridging Cultural Differences and the Art of Conversation

Brooks addresses the challenges of bridging cultural differences and the importance of adapting to diverse social norms, such as eye contact. He emphasizes the joy of engaging in conversations with others, regardless of cultural backgrounds, and the value of understanding and respecting different perspectives. Brooks also shares his experiences with students from diverse backgrounds and the lessons he learned from them.

35:12

📚 The Journey of Writing 'How to Know a Person'

In the final paragraph, Brooks discusses the inspiration behind his book 'How to Know a Person' and the lengthy process of writing it. He shares the common theme of feeling unseen that he encountered in various interviews and his desire for both personal and societal transformation. Brooks also reflects on the liberating experience of stepping out of team mentality and embracing independent thought.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡Connection

The term 'connection' refers to the establishment of meaningful relationships or bonds with others. In the context of the video, it is central to the theme of fostering deep and understanding relationships. The speaker emphasizes the importance of seeing others and being seen as a way to create these connections. An example from the script is the speaker's discussion about how feeling unseen can lead to societal issues, highlighting the necessity of establishing genuine connections to combat loneliness and disconnection.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. In the video, it is portrayed as a crucial component of truly seeing and connecting with people. The speaker discusses the importance of empathy in understanding the perspectives and experiences of others, which is essential for building meaningful relationships. The story about the woman with a brain injury who needed someone to lie down with her on the floor illustrates the profound impact of empathetic actions.

💡Dehumanization

Dehumanization refers to the act of depriving a person or group of people of their human qualities, such as compassion or individual identity. In the video, the speaker addresses the epidemic of dehumanization in society, where people are increasingly disconnected and fail to recognize each other's humanity. This leads to increased loneliness, sadness, and a lack of meaningful connections.

💡Personal Growth

Personal growth refers to the process of self-improvement and becoming a better version of oneself. In the video, the speaker shares his own journey of personal growth, which includes becoming more emotionally open and better at connecting with others. He emphasizes that personal transformation is intertwined with social transformation, and that by improving oneself, one can contribute positively to society.

💡Social Skills

Social skills are the abilities required to interact effectively with others, including listening, expressing oneself, and understanding social cues. In the video, the speaker argues that these skills are essential for building connections and are often lacking in modern society. He suggests that improving social skills can help combat feelings of invisibility and foster a more empathetic and connected society.

💡Moral Life

Moral life refers to the principles and values that guide one's behavior and decisions in relation to others. In the video, the speaker equates moral life with the ability to see and understand others at a deep level. He suggests that everyday encounters and the way we treat others are the essence of morality, and that showing genuine care and attention towards others is a moral act.

💡Cultural Differences

Cultural differences refer to the variations in beliefs, practices, and social norms among different groups of people. In the video, the speaker acknowledges that cultural differences can influence social interactions, such as eye contact and personal space. He encourages understanding and accommodation of these differences to foster better connections across cultures.

💡Conversation

Conversation is the act of talking with others in a way that allows for the exchange of ideas and feelings. In the video, the speaker stresses the importance of being a good conversationalist to truly get to know others and build connections. He provides tips on how to engage in meaningful conversations, such as asking open-ended questions and actively listening to the other person.

💡Seeing

In the context of the video, 'seeing' goes beyond mere visual perception; it refers to the deep understanding and acknowledgment of another person's experiences, emotions, and humanity. The speaker argues that truly seeing others is a creative act that can change relationships and societies, and is a powerful way to fight against dehumanization.

💡Questioning

Questioning is the act of posing questions to gain information, insight, or understanding. In the video, the speaker highlights the importance of asking the right questions to foster meaningful connections and elicit deep, personal responses. It's a tool for better understanding others and showing genuine interest in their lives and experiences.

Highlights

David Brooks introduces his new book 'How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others and Being Deeply Seen'.

Brooks discusses the importance of meaningful connections in every aspect of our lives.

The author shares his personal journey from an unemotional upbringing to becoming more open and emotionally available.

Brooks highlights the epidemic of loneliness and dehumanization in modern society, with increasing rates of suicide, depression, and feelings of hopelessness.

The speaker emphasizes the lack of social skills as a major contributor to societal sadness and meanness.

Brooks argues that treating each other with consideration and respect is crucial for personal and societal well-being.

The importance of being an 'Illuminator' rather than a 'Diminisher' is discussed, focusing on the value of curiosity and genuine interest in others.

Brooks shares personal stories, such as his experience at a baseball game, to illustrate the impact of emotional openness.

The significance of eye contact and presence in communicating respect and value to others is highlighted.

Brooks discusses the art of conversation, including active listening and the importance of asking the right questions.

The author talks about the power of storytelling and how it can deepen understanding and connection between people.

Brooks shares insights on how to navigate difficult conversations, such as those involving mental health or ideological differences.

The transformative impact of truly being seen and understanding others is emphasized, with examples of its profound effects.

Brooks reflects on his own emotional growth and the challenges of experiencing a wider range of emotions.

The author discusses the evolution of his political beliefs, moving away from party mentality towards a more independent and nuanced perspective.

Brooks shares the inspiration behind his book, the repeated experiences of people feeling unseen, and his desire for both personal and societal transformation.

The process of writing the book is discussed, including the importance of perseverance and the joy of sharing knowledge.

Transcripts

Browse More Related Video

David Brooks in conversation with Ray Suarez | How to know a person

Geraldine Brooks | Horse

Robert Greene | The Laws of Human Nature | Talks at Google

Daniel Goleman on Focus: The Secret to High Performance and Fulfilment

Simon Sinek: "I FEEL LONELY!" How To Deal With Loneliness! | E230

When Implicit Bias Becomes Explicit | Megan Fuciarelli | TEDxLivoniaCCLibrary

Related Tags

SocialConnection EmotionalIntelligence PersonalGrowth CulturalDifferences CommunicationSkills EmpathyMatters Dehumanization MentalHealth InterpersonalRelationships