Never Split The Difference | Chris Voss | TEDxUniversityofNevada

TEDx Talks
18 Mar 201912:08
EducationalLearning
32 Likes 10 Comments

TLDRThe speaker, a former FBI hostage negotiator, shares insights from his experiences in high-stakes negotiations. He discusses the importance of tactical empathy, a skill that involves understanding and articulating the perspective of others, especially adversaries. By dispelling common myths about negotiators, he highlights the value of reputation and integrity in resolving conflicts. The speaker also explores how these negotiation tactics can be applied to everyday situations, emphasizing the universal human nature that connects us all, even in the most challenging interactions.

Takeaways
  • 🔍 The speaker was an FBI hostage negotiator, highlighting the challenges and experiences in dealing with high-stress situations.
  • 🗣️ The importance of reputation and integrity in negotiations is emphasized, as hostage negotiators often deal with 'repeat customers'.
  • 🤝 Establishing rapport is crucial, even when negotiating with criminals; it's not just about talking, but also about listening and understanding.
  • 🚸 The speaker dispels a myth about negotiators saying anything to get their way, stressing the long-term consequences of trust and credibility.
  • 🎯 Tactical empathy is introduced as a key skill in hostage negotiation, which involves understanding and calmly reflecting the perspective of the counterpart.
  • 📚 The speaker wrote a book, 'Never Split the Difference', applying tactical empathy to everyday situations, not just high-stakes negotiations.
  • 🧠 The concept of the limbic system and its role in human nature is discussed, explaining why tactical empathy works universally across different cultures and backgrounds.
  • 💡 The speaker shares an anecdote about using tactical empathy in a bar to defuse a potentially violent situation with a troubled Vietnam vet.
  • 🕵️‍♂️ A real-life example is given where tactical empathy was used to identify Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as the 9/11 attack mastermind through his truthful reaction.
  • 📈 The effectiveness of tactical empathy is supported by scientific evidence, such as the study of emotions in decision-making outlined in 'The Art of Thinking Clearly'.
  • 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The transformative power of tactical empathy is illustrated through a story of a family member using it to improve a strained relationship.
Q & A

  • What was the speaker's profession before becoming a public speaker?

    -The speaker was an FBI hostage negotiator.

  • What misconception does the speaker want to dispel about hostage negotiators?

    -The speaker wants to dispel the myth that hostage negotiators can say whatever they want to get their way, as they often deal with repeat offenders and need to maintain their reputation and integrity.

  • How does the speaker describe their mother?

    -The speaker describes their mother as a loving, no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom who says what she means.

  • What is the main concept of the book written by the speaker?

    -The book is about applying tactical empathy from hostage negotiation to everyday situations, dealing with bullies, liars, and difficult people in our jobs and social interactions.

  • What is tactical empathy and how does it work?

    -Tactical empathy is taking an inventory of the perspective of the person you're talking to, especially the parts that you don't like, and then calmly describing it back to them without denials or disagreements. It works because it operates on a human nature level, using the limbic system present in everyone's brain.

  • How did the speaker and their colleagues identify Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as the mastermind of 9/11?

    -They used a polygraph test, which measures the subject's truth-telling baseline and then asks hard questions to see if the subject deviates from this baseline. When shown a picture, the terrorist revealed information that led to the identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

  • What is the significance of the human nature secret mentioned by the speaker?

    -The significance is that everyone has one way of telling the truth and five to seven different ways of lying, which is how polygraph tests work and can be used to identify deception.

  • How does the speaker relate the concept of empathy to both the FBI and Harvard Law School?

    -Both the FBI and Harvard Law School define empathy as understanding and describing the needs, interests, and perspective of your counterpart without necessarily agreeing, and it's not about liking or sympathy.

  • What book did the speaker initially mistake for being written by 'Descartes'?

    -The speaker mistook the book 'The Art of Thinking Clearly' for being written by 'Descartes' due to a misinterpretation of the name during a lecture.

  • How did tactical empathy help the speaker's colleague in a family situation?

    -The colleague used tactical empathy to make his younger sister feel heard during a family gathering, leading to a positive change in their relationship and her expressing gratitude for his understanding and support.

  • What is the overall message the speaker wants the audience to take away?

    -The speaker wants the audience to understand that tactical empathy is a transformative skill that can be applied in various situations, turning adversaries into loved ones, and its benefits should not be limited to professionals like terrorists or bank robbers.

Outlines
00:00
🕵️‍♂️ Life as an FBI Hostage Negotiator

The speaker begins by sharing their experience as an FBI hostage negotiator, highlighting the challenges and myths associated with the role. They dispel the myth that negotiators can say anything to get their way, emphasizing the importance of reputation and integrity in dealing with repeat offenders. A personal anecdote about a tense situation in a bar showcases the speaker's ability to apply negotiation skills in everyday life, demonstrating the power of tactical empathy.

05:01
🧠 Understanding Tactical Empathy

The speaker delves into the concept of tactical empathy, defining it as the act of understanding and articulating the perspective of others, especially adversaries. They explain the universal human nature aspect of empathy, underpinned by the limbic system, which is present in everyone regardless of background. The speaker also discusses the polygraph test and its reliance on the consistent truth-telling mechanism of the human brain, using the identification of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as an example.

10:03
🤝 Applying Empathy in Various Situations

The speaker shares a personal story of applying tactical empathy in a family conflict, illustrating its transformative power. They emphasize that empathy is not about liking or sympathizing but about understanding and acknowledging the feelings and perspectives of others. The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to use these skills not just in high-stakes situations but in everyday interactions, turning adversaries into loved ones.

Mindmap
Keywords
💡Hostage Negotiator
A hostage negotiator is a professional trained in the art of communication and persuasion, tasked with resolving critical incidents where hostages are involved, often working with law enforcement agencies. In the video, the speaker shares personal experiences as an FBI hostage negotiator, highlighting the importance of establishing rapport and the misconceptions about their job, such as the idea that they can split the difference in negotiations, which is not the case.
💡Tactical Empathy
Tactical empathy is a communication technique derived from hostage negotiation strategies, which involves understanding and acknowledging the perspective of the person you are communicating with, especially those who may be adversaries. It is about describing their position back to them calmly, without denial or disagreement, to establish rapport and resolve conflicts. The concept is central to the video's message, as the speaker advocates for its use beyond law enforcement, in everyday life to improve personal and professional interactions.
💡Limbic System
The limbic system is a part of the brain that plays a key role in our emotional responses and memory. It is mentioned in the video to illustrate that all humans, regardless of background, possess this system, which is why the principles of tactical empathy and negotiation are universally applicable. The limbic system is responsible for the human nature wiring that allows tactical empathy to work across different cultures and situations.
💡Polygraph
A polygraph, commonly known as a lie detector, is an instrument used to measure physiological responses such as heart rate, blood pressure, and skin conductivity while a person answers a series of questions. The video discusses the polygraph as a tool that exploits the human nature of telling the truth in a consistent manner, contrasting it with the various ways people might lie. The polygraph's effectiveness is demonstrated in the video through the identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks.
💡Reputation
In the context of the video, reputation refers to the perception and credibility that a hostage negotiator establishes over time, which can influence the outcome of negotiations. The speaker emphasizes that negotiators have repeat customers and must maintain their integrity to be effective, as their actions and the way they handle situations can affect how they are perceived in future negotiations.
💡Truth-Telling
Truth-telling, as discussed in the video, refers to the innate and consistent manner in which individuals reveal truthful information. It is a fundamental aspect of human nature that is exploited during polygraph tests and is also a key element in understanding how people communicate honestly. The video suggests that everyone has one way of telling the truth, which can be identified and used to discern honesty in various situations.
💡Emotional Decision-Making
Emotional decision-making refers to the process by which individuals make choices based on their emotions and what they care about. The video cites the work of Descartes, specifically the book 'The Cards That Are', which provides scientific evidence that emotions are intertwined in all decisions, making decision-making an inherently emotional process.
💡Non-Verbal Communication
Non-verbal communication encompasses the various ways people convey information without using words, such as body language, facial expressions, and gestures. In the video, the concept is implied when discussing the importance of establishing rapport and understanding others' perspectives, as these often involve reading and interpreting non-verbal cues.
💡Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution is the process of finding a peaceful solution to disputes or disagreements. The video emphasizes the application of tactical empathy in resolving conflicts, not only in high-stakes situations like hostage negotiations but also in everyday life scenarios. It suggests that by understanding and acknowledging the other party's perspective, conflicts can be resolved more effectively.
💡Human Nature
Human nature refers to the inherent characteristics and behaviors that are typically shared by all humans, regardless of cultural or individual differences. In the video, the concept of human nature is central to the discussion of tactical empathy and the effectiveness of negotiation techniques, which rely on universal aspects of human behavior and emotional responses.
Highlights

The speaker was an FBI hostage negotiator, highlighting the challenges and experiences of the role.

The contrast between the speaker's Midwestern mom and a terrorist, emphasizing the negotiator's ability to communicate effectively.

Dispelling the myth that hostage negotiators can say anything to get their way, stressing the importance of reputation and integrity in negotiations.

A humorous anecdote about hostage negotiators in a bar, demonstrating the application of negotiation skills in everyday situations.

The concept of tactical empathy, explaining its use in hostage negotiation and its potential application in everyday life.

The importance of using a person's name in hostage negotiation to establish a connection and make it harder for them to harm the negotiator.

The speaker's transition from the FBI to writing a book, applying tactical empathy to various aspects of life beyond hostage situations.

Defining tactical empathy as calmly understanding and describing the perspective of others, even adversaries.

The universal human nature wiring, explaining that everyone has a limbic system which is key to the effectiveness of negotiation techniques.

The unique way each person tells the truth, which is utilized by polygraphs to detect deception.

The identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as the mastermind of 9/11 through his unique truth-telling response.

The convergence of the FBI and Harvard on the definition of empathy, emphasizing understanding without necessarily agreeing.

The influence of emotions on decision-making, as discussed in the book 'The Cartesian', which the speaker initially misheard as 'Dick Heart'.

A personal story of using tactical empathy to defuse a family conflict, illustrating the technique's transformative power.

The speaker's call to action, encouraging the use of tactical empathy beyond professional settings to improve personal relationships.

The conclusion of the talk, summarizing the value of tactical empathy in various aspects of life and its potential to turn adversaries into loved ones.

Transcripts

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HostageNegotiationTacticalEmpathyFBIInsightsHumanNatureConflictResolutionDecisionMakingEmotionalIntelligencePersonalStoriesProfessionalDevelopmentCommunicationSkills