Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Priscilla Maria Gutierrez describes her startling introduction to a wilderness therapy program following her 19th birthday. She narrates her experience of being escorted to a remote location in Utah, undergoing a rigorous and invasive intake process akin to prison admission, and her initial night spent outdoors under the stars. The environment was unexpectedly harsh, featuring chores like digging latrines and a strict regime, diverging vastly from her expectations of a therapeutic setting.

In the second part of her wilderness therapy experience, Priscilla discusses the extreme living conditions, including lack of basic hygiene, constant surveillance, and the emotionally taxing group therapy sessions. These sessions involved sharing deeply personal traumas with strangers, which was both humiliating and overwhelming. Despite her efforts to embrace the program's demands, she returned feeling more disillusioned and angry, especially after learning more about her family's hidden traumas.

Priscilla reflects on her complex relationship with alcohol, starting with an interrogation about her drinking habits which leads to a reluctant acknowledgement of her issues. Her narrative includes detailed accounts of risky behaviors and the negative impacts of her drinking during her freshman year of college, illustrating the depth of her struggle with alcohol misuse.

Priscilla's recount of her college years at Johns Hopkins is filled with instances of violence, risky encounters, and her growing rage towards men stemming from past traumas. She vividly describes several dangerous situations she navigated, her aggressive responses to perceived threats, and her internal battle with a destructive self-image and behavior.

This paragraph covers Priscilla’s continued struggle with self-destructive behavior, including her attempts to manage trauma through physical altercations and dangerous situations. Despite being aware of her harmful patterns, she found herself unable to break free from the cycle of violence and self-endangerment, reflecting on her challenges with both mental health and social interactions.

Priscilla talks about the aftermath of her wilderness therapy and her subsequent endeavors to heal and manage her borderline personality disorder. This includes confronting deep-seated family issues, her brother’s deteriorating condition, and her own spiraling anger and frustration. Her narrative provides insight into her emotional state during this turbulent period, highlighting her gradual steps toward recovery.

Reflecting on her family dynamics, Priscilla discusses how revelations about past abuses within her family affected her. She shares her feelings about the therapeutic value of disclosing these traumas in therapy, the complexities of her relationships with her parents and brother, and the profound impact of these disclosures on her personal healing process.

The tragic incident of her brother's severe health crisis is a pivotal moment for Priscilla. She details the intense emotional and psychological toll it took on her, leading to a significant shift in her life priorities. This event marked the beginning of a deeper engagement with her mental health, culminating in a series of professional and personal transformations.

Priscilla describes her journey through treatment for an eating disorder and the decision to attend law school, illustrating the ongoing conflict between her career ambitions and personal health. Despite academic success, her struggles with mental health persist, shaping her views on self-care and professional life.

Finally, Priscilla reflects on her life decisions, the pressures of living up to familial expectations, and her eventual realignment of personal and professional goals. She discusses her decision to not pursue a legal career, her move to Michigan, and her ongoing work as a life coach and speaker, emphasizing the importance of community support and self-validation in her healing journey.