Parenting teens:We're making it harder than it needs to be | Dr. Cameron Caswell | TEDxDeerParkWomen

TEDx Talks

14 Dec 202109:27

EducationalLearning

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TLDRThe video script discusses the challenges of parenting teens and emphasizes the importance of connection over control. It highlights the negative impact of common assumptions and suggests that by changing our beliefs, seeking positive behaviors, and listening to teens' needs, parents can foster a healthier relationship. The speaker uses personal anecdotes and interactive examples to illustrate how breaking the cycle of blame and focusing on support can transform difficult situations into moments of understanding and growth.

Takeaways

😡 The initial reaction to a child's perceived neglect of responsibilities can be anger, which may be misdirected towards both the child and oneself as a parent.
💧 Recognizing and empathizing with a child's feelings can transform a potentially negative interaction into a moment of connection and understanding.
🔄 It's crucial for parents to understand that they have the power to choose their response in every interaction with their teens, which can either perpetuate conflict or foster connection.
🚫 Societal and personal beliefs about the inherent rebelliousness of teens can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, making the teenage years more challenging than they need to be.
🔍 Our brains tend to focus on information that confirms our existing beliefs, causing us to overlook positive behaviors in our teens that contradict those beliefs.
👀 Changing our focus to seek out and acknowledge positive behaviors in our teens can improve our perception of them and their self-perception, fostering a more positive relationship.
🤔 Challenging our assumptions about a teen's behavior can lead to a deeper understanding of their circumstances and needs, rather than jumping to negative conclusions.
🎮 The story of Bob and Sandra's son illustrates that underlying issues (like depression) can be misinterpreted as disobedience or laziness if we don't look deeper.
🗣️ Listening to teens and understanding their perspective is key to breaking down barriers and building stronger relationships.
🚫 Punitive parenting approaches that rely on threats and taking away privileges are not effective in motivating teens and can cause more harm than good.
🛠️ Providing strategies and support to help teens overcome challenges (like breaking tasks into smaller steps) can be a more effective approach than punishment.
🌟 The power of choice in how we, as parents, show up for our teens has a significant impact on our relationship with them and their development.

Q & A

How did the speaker initially react to the email from the teacher about their daughter's neglected assignment?
-The speaker initially felt anger towards both the teacher for implying they were slacking as a parent and their daughter for not completing the assignment.
What realization did the speaker have after noticing their daughter's tears?
-The speaker had a flashback to their own childhood and the feelings of shame and defeat they experienced when scolded, realizing they had promised not to make their daughter feel that way.
What alternative approach did the speaker take instead of scolding their daughter?
-The speaker chose to connect with their daughter by asking, 'How can I help?', turning a potentially heated situation into a moment of connection.
What is the speaker's perspective on the challenges of raising teenagers?
-The speaker believes that the teen years can be a time of connection and an opportunity to ensure kids thrive, contrary to the common belief that it's a challenging period to be survived.
How does the speaker explain the impact of our beliefs on our perception of teenagers' behavior?
-The speaker uses the analogy of focusing on red items in a room to illustrate how our brains filter out information that doesn't align with our beliefs, causing us to miss positive behaviors in teenagers.
Why does the speaker argue that focusing on teens' negative behaviors can perpetuate those behaviors?
-The speaker suggests that our focus on negative behaviors feeds into the very actions we are trying to prevent, as it reinforces the negative beliefs that teens have about themselves.
What is the second obstacle the speaker identifies in connecting with teenagers?
-The second obstacle is our assumptions about teenagers, which often lead us to make unfair judgments about their intentions and behaviors.
How does the speaker use the 'Irish wristwatch Swiss wristwatch' tongue twister to illustrate a point about assumptions?
-The speaker uses the tongue twister to show that when we stumble over it, it's not due to laziness or disrespect, but rather the difficulty of the task, highlighting that our assumptions about teens can be as unfair.
What is the third obstacle the speaker discusses in building a connection with teenagers?
-The third obstacle is our approach, particularly the common method of using threats and punishments to motivate teenagers, which the speaker argues is ineffective.
How does the speaker suggest parents can better support their teenagers?
-The speaker suggests that parents should believe in their teenagers, focus on their positive actions, assume the best about their intentions, and use an approach that helps them succeed.
What is the main message the speaker wants to convey to parents about their relationship with their teenagers?
-The main message is that parents have the choice in every moment to connect with their teens by breaking the toxic cycle of blame and control, and by focusing on showing up for them in a supportive and understanding way.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Parental Frustration and Realization

The speaker begins by sharing a personal experience of receiving an email from a teacher about their daughter's failure to complete an assignment, which triggers feelings of anger and frustration. However, upon seeing their daughter's tears, they are reminded of their own childhood and the negative emotions associated with being scolded. This leads to a realization that they have the power to break the cycle of resentment and conflict by choosing to connect and support their child instead of blaming. The speaker emphasizes that every parent has this choice in every moment with their teen, and that the common belief that adolescence is a period of inevitable rebellion and difficulty is a self-fulfilling prophecy. They introduce the concept of breaking down the barriers to connection with teens by addressing beliefs, assumptions, and approach.

05:01

🔍 Challenging Assumptions and Finding Solutions

In this paragraph, the speaker delves into the second obstacle to connecting with teens: assumptions. They use the example of a tongue twister to illustrate how our brains focus on what we deem important and miss other cues, which is similar to how parents may overlook positive behaviors in their teens due to negative assumptions. The speaker shares insights from their work with teenagers, revealing that teens do not want to disappoint their parents and crave their approval. They encourage parents to listen to their teens' needs instead of making unfair assumptions. The speaker then discusses the ineffectiveness of punitive parenting, using the example of a client whose approach to dealing with her daughter's messy room was causing more harm than good. They advocate for a supportive approach that helps teens succeed, as demonstrated by the client who, after understanding her daughter's feelings of being overwhelmed, helped by breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps.

Mindmap

Keywords

💡neglect

In the context of the video, 'neglect' refers to the daughter's failure to complete her assignment, which is a point of contention between the parent and the child. It's a key term that sets the stage for the parent's emotional response and the subsequent realization about the importance of understanding rather than reacting.

💡connection

The term 'connection' is central to the video's message, emphasizing the importance of establishing a positive relationship with teens. It's used to contrast the potential for conflict with the opportunity for understanding and support, as illustrated when the speaker chooses to help rather than to scold.

💡assumptions

'Assumptions' are highlighted as a barrier to effective parenting in the video. They refer to the preconceived notions parents may have about their teens' behaviors and motivations, which can lead to misunderstandings. The script provides examples of how challenging these assumptions can lead to a better understanding of the teen's perspective.

💡beliefs

The speaker discusses 'beliefs' as a significant factor shaping the parent-teen relationship. These are the underlying attitudes and expectations parents have about adolescence, which can inadvertently create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The video encourages parents to reconsider these beliefs to foster a more positive and connected relationship with their teens.

💡control

'Control' is presented as an obstacle in the video, where the desire to control a teen's behavior can lead to conflict. The speaker suggests that letting go of the need for control and focusing on supportive behavior can break the cycle of resentment and establish a healthier dynamic.

💡resilience

While not explicitly mentioned, 'resilience' can be inferred as a key concept. It relates to the video's theme as it suggests that teens, with the right support, can overcome challenges. The speaker implies that by addressing the obstacles of beliefs, assumptions, and approach, parents can help their teens build resilience.

💡toxic cycle

The 'toxic cycle' refers to the pattern of resentment, conflict, and pain that can develop in the parent-teen relationship. The video discusses how this cycle can be broken by changing the approach parents take when dealing with their teens.

💡self-esteem

'Self-esteem' is a concept that emerges from the discussion about how parents' focus can impact their teens' view of themselves. The video suggests that by seeking out and acknowledging positive behaviors, parents can help build their teens' self-esteem and counteract negative self-perceptions.

💡punishment

The term 'punishment' is used in the context of discussing ineffective parenting strategies. The video argues against using punishment as a means to motivate teens, suggesting that it confuses motivation with manipulation and can do more harm than good.

💡manipulation

'Manipulation' is presented as a negative approach in parenting, where parents use threats of consequences to force compliance. The video contrasts this with supportive strategies that encourage teens to succeed, rather than pushing them through fear of punishment.

💡strategy

The 'strategy' keyword is used to describe a more effective approach to parenting. It involves providing teens with tools and methods to succeed, such as breaking tasks into smaller steps, which can help them overcome challenges and feel motivated.

Highlights

A parent received an email from a teacher about their daughter neglecting homework, leading to feelings of anger and frustration.

The parent's anger triggered a flashback to their own childhood, realizing they had promised not to make their daughter feel the same shame and defeat.

Instead of blaming, the parent chose to connect with their daughter by asking 'How can I help?', turning a potentially heated situation into a moment of bonding.

Parents have the choice in every moment with their teens to either perpetuate blame and shame or foster connection.

The difficulty of raising teens is often blamed on the teens themselves, rather than examining parental expectations and reactions.

The belief that the teen years are tough can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, making the experience more challenging.

A brain exercise demonstrates how we focus on what we deem important and filter out the rest, missing positive behaviors in teens.

Teens internalize negative beliefs about themselves, often based on父母的repeated criticisms.

Seeking out and acknowledging positive behaviors in teens can lead to a more positive cycle of self-perception and parent-teen interactions.

The second obstacle is assumptions parents make about their teens, which can lead to unfair judgments.

A tongue twister exercise illustrates how assumptions can be misguided and unhelpful.

Teens actually crave approval and acceptance from parents, contrary to common negative assumptions.

Listening to teens with the intent to understand can reveal underlying issues, such as depression, rather than just seeing disobedience.

The third obstacle is the approach parents take, often using punishment and manipulation which are ineffective.

A more effective approach involves teaching strategies for success and breaking tasks into manageable parts.

By focusing on what parents can control, such as their own reactions and support, more positive outcomes can be achieved with teens.

The speaker shares personal examples of how changing beliefs, assumptions, and approach led to better connections and outcomes with their own teen.

Parents are encouraged to believe in their teens, focus on their positive aspects, assume the best, and use supportive approaches.

The choice of how parents show up for their teens makes a significant difference in their relationship and the teen's development.

Transcripts

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Takeaways

Q & A

How did the speaker initially react to the email from the teacher about their daughter's neglected assignment?

What realization did the speaker have after noticing their daughter's tears?

What alternative approach did the speaker take instead of scolding their daughter?

What is the speaker's perspective on the challenges of raising teenagers?

How does the speaker explain the impact of our beliefs on our perception of teenagers' behavior?

Why does the speaker argue that focusing on teens' negative behaviors can perpetuate those behaviors?

What is the second obstacle the speaker identifies in connecting with teenagers?

How does the speaker use the 'Irish wristwatch Swiss wristwatch' tongue twister to illustrate a point about assumptions?

What is the third obstacle the speaker discusses in building a connection with teenagers?

How does the speaker suggest parents can better support their teenagers?

What is the main message the speaker wants to convey to parents about their relationship with their teenagers?