What Representing Men in Divorce Taught Me About Fatherhood | Marilyn York | TEDxUniversityofNevada
TLDRThe speaker, a divorce attorney specializing in men's rights, shares a humorous childhood story to introduce a serious topic: the critical role of fathers in their children's lives. Despite societal and legal biases, she argues that fathers have a unique and crucial influence on their children's development. Using personal anecdotes and statistical data, she highlights the negative outcomes associated with fatherlessness and calls for legal and societal changes to support fathers' involvement. She concludes with a call to action for everyone to help ensure that fathers can play an active role in their children's lives, emphasizing the impact this has on the well-being of nearly half of America's children.
Takeaways
- π The importance of hard work and the unexpected outcomes it can sometimes bring, as illustrated by the story of the pink Barbie Corvette and the 'five-dollar egg'.
- π¨βπ§βπ¦ Fathers have a unique and crucial influence on the development of their children, which can differ significantly from that of mothers.
- π€ The societal and legal biases against fathers in family law and custody battles, which can have long-lasting effects on children and families.
- πΆ Fathers often have a strong genetic bond and instinctual connection to their children from infancy, contrary to some common perceptions.
- π‘ The significant role fathers play in providing a sense of security, fun, and challenge in a child's life, as well as the emotional impact of their absence.
- π Disturbing statistics showing the negative outcomes for children from fatherless homes, including homelessness, dropout rates, and suicides.
- π©ββοΈ The need for legal reform to better protect the rights of fathers and ensure their involvement in their children's lives, particularly in the context of divorce and out-of-wedlock births.
- π₯ The collective responsibility of society, including mothers, employers, and those in the legal field, to support the role of fathers and combat fatherlessness.
- π The call to action for everyone to recognize and address the issue of fatherlessness, which affects nearly half of America's children.
- π The importance of involved fathers for children's cognitive, motor, physical, and mental health, as well as their problem-solving skills, confidence, curiosity, and empathy.
- π€ The message that advocating for fathers is not about diminishing mothers, but about ensuring that children have the benefit of both parents in their lives whenever possible.
Q & A
What was the speaker's goal during Easter when she was six years old?
-The speaker's goal was to obtain the pink Barbie Corvette, for which she needed five more dollars.
How did the speaker's father teach her a valuable life lesson using an Easter egg?
-The speaker's father hid a dog turd in an Easter egg, which the speaker found after much effort. This taught her that sometimes, despite hard work, the outcome may not be what one expects.
What is the speaker's profession and how does it relate to her personal life?
-The speaker is a divorce attorney specializing in men's rights, with over 20 years of experience. Her profession is closely tied to her personal life as she is a mother with children from different fathers, and her father runs the business side of her law firm.
What is the speaker's stance on the differences between men and women in parenting?
-The speaker acknowledges that men and women parent differently, but she emphasizes that men's influence is crucial in their children's development.
What are some of the questions that the speaker's father clients can easily answer about their children?
-The father clients can easily answer questions like their children's superhero power, the kind of monsters their kids fear, their daughter's comfort level on a swing, and what makes their son feel defeated.
What is the speaker's observation about the genetic bond and instinct fathers have towards their children?
-The speaker has observed that fathers, too, have a genetic bond and instinct about their children from infancy, which is supported by her anecdotal legal experience where only two out of over 100 men were wrong in predicting their biological relation to the child.
What is the impact of fatherlessness on children according to the 2016 census?
-According to the 2016 census, nearly two out of every five children in America are growing up without their fathers, which amounts to about 17 million children.
What are some statistics from the Center for Disease Control regarding children from fatherless homes?
-Children from fatherless homes account for 90 percent of all homeless and runaway kids, 71 percent of high school dropouts, and 63 percent of youth suicides.
What is the speaker's view on the importance of advocating for fathers?
-The speaker believes that advocating for fathers is crucial, not to diminish mothers, but because children deserve both parents whenever possible. She emphasizes that the crisis of fatherlessness is specific to fathers and has catastrophic effects.
What is the historical context of family court regarding fathers?
-Historically, family court had a maternal preference solidified in the tender years doctrine, which awarded custody of children under age four to mothers. It took many years for the law to become gender equal, with Nevada adopting a presumption for joint physical custody as late as 2017.
What are some of the issues the speaker identifies with paternity laws and how can they be improved?
-The speaker identifies issues such as women being able to conceal pregnancies and never inform the father about the child, and the possibility of a woman listing the wrong father on a birth certificate. She suggests that paternity laws need more reform to protect children born out of wedlock.
What actions does the speaker suggest for different groups of people to address the issue of fatherlessness?
-The speaker suggests that fathers should make an effort to be in their children's daily lives. Mothers should encourage and facilitate the relationship between their children and their fathers. Children should spend time with their dads and seek their advice. Employers should allow fathers to participate in their children's lives. Those in the legal field should work towards changing and enforcing laws that protect fathers and their children.
Outlines
π Childhood Antics and Life Lessons
The speaker, a divorce attorney specializing in men's rights, shares a humorous childhood story about an Easter egg hunt that ends with a life lesson from her father. This leads into a discussion about her professional and personal experiences, emphasizing the unique but crucial role fathers play in their children's lives. She highlights the different parenting styles between mothers and fathers and argues that despite societal and legal biases, fathers are integral to their children's development.
π§ The Impact of Fatherlessness
The speaker delves into the statistical and emotional impact of growing up without a father, citing alarming figures on homelessness, dropout rates, and suicides among fatherless children. She discusses her work with a charity for homeless girls, all of whom come from fatherless homes, and underscores the importance of fathers in providing emotional and psychological support that is distinct from mothers. The speaker also addresses legal biases against fathers in family courts and the need for reform in paternity laws.
π€ Call to Action for Father Inclusion
The speaker calls for a societal shift towards valuing the role of fathers, urging fathers to be actively involved, mothers to support father-child relationships, and employers to accommodate working fathers. She also challenges those in the legal field to continue evolving laws to protect fathers' rights. The speech ends with a poignant request for audience members affected by fatherlessness to stand in solidarity, followed by a call to action to support the remaining fatherless children in America.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Divorce Attorney
π‘Men's Rights
π‘Fatherlessness
π‘Family Court
π‘Paternity
π‘Child Support
π‘Tender Years Doctrine
π‘Joint Physical Custody
π‘Cognitive and Motor Skills
π‘Emotional Bond
π‘Social Stigma
Highlights
The speaker humorously describes her father's prank of putting dog feces in an Easter egg, leading to an important life lesson about hard work and unexpected outcomes.
As a divorce attorney specializing in men's rights, the speaker has represented over 2,000 men, 650 of whom are fathers, in divorce and custody battles.
The speaker shares her personal life experience as a mother to children from different fathers, including her ex-husband's son whom she helped raise.
Men parent differently than women, but their influence is crucial in their children's development.
Fathers often know their children's fears, dreams, and comfort levels, even if they lack knowledge of practical details like doctors and schools.
Despite representing many fathers, the speaker found only a handful who felt secure in their instinctive role and significance to their children.
Over 100 paternity tests were taken by the speaker's clients, with only two incorrect predictions about biological relations, indicating a strong genetic bond from infancy.
The speaker asks the audience to reflect on their own fathers and the impact of their presence or absence in their lives.
Nearly half of American children are growing up without their fathers, leading to negative outcomes like homelessness, dropouts, and suicide.
The speaker's charity work with homeless girls revealed that all of them came from fatherless homes.
CDC data shows children from fatherless homes account for the vast majority of negative societal outcomes like homelessness, dropouts, and suicides.
Fathers are crucial for children's cognitive, motor, physical, and mental health, yet laws and society undervalue their importance.
The speaker calls for advocating for fathers not as a way to diminish mothers, but because the crisis of fatherlessness is specific to fathers.
Family court is a critical place where fathers are disadvantaged, contributing to the negative effects on children.
Historical legal biases against fathers in custody and support rulings still persist, despite progress towards gender equality.
Paternity laws need reform to protect the rights of fathers and ensure they can be involved in their children's lives.
The audience is encouraged to reflect on the real human impact of fatherlessness and consider what they can do to help.
The speaker ends with a call to action for everyone to stand in recognition of the millions of fatherless children and commit to supporting them.
Transcripts
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