Why I stayed, Why I left | Mada Tsagia-Papadakou | TEDxUniversityofPiraeus
TLDRThe speaker shares her personal journey through an abusive relationship, shedding light on the complexities of why victims often remain in such situations. She describes the cycle of abuse, which includes phases of tension building, violent incidents, and temporary reconciliations, known as the honeymoon phase. The speaker also discusses the concept of the battered woman syndrome, which is akin to a form of PTSD. Despite coming from an educated, upper-middle-class background, she was manipulated into a state of dependency and endured both physical and emotional abuse. The turning point came when she discovered her abuser's infidelity, which finally prompted her to leave. After escaping the relationship, she found healing and empowerment, eventually using her experience to raise awareness and support other victims of abuse. Her story emphasizes the importance of recognizing abuse, seeking help, and involving men in the conversation to end domestic violence.
Takeaways
- 🌀 The Cycle of Abuse: The script discusses the cycle of abuse identified by psychotherapist Lenore Walker, which includes the tension building phase, the incident, and the honeymoon phase.
- 🚸 The Battered Woman Syndrome: It is introduced as a concept developed by Lenore Walker, recognizing unique patterns of behavior and emotional responses in women who have experienced abuse, considered a subtype of PTSD.
- 💔 Misunderstandings about Abuse: The speaker clarifies common misconceptions about abuse victims, such as the belief that only uneducated, low-income women can be victims, which is not true.
- 🔒 The Trap of Codependency: The account details how the abuser's controlling behavior, including economic control, leads to the victim's codependency, making it harder to leave the relationship.
- 💔 The Role of Love and Expectations: The speaker's initial belief in a romanticized version of love, similar to what is portrayed in media, contributed to staying in the abusive relationship.
- 🔎 The Slow Realization: The realization of the abusive nature of the relationship did not come immediately; it took time and a series of events for the speaker to understand the situation.
- 🚨 The Power of Support: The importance of support from friends, family, and even strangers (e.g., security staff) is highlighted in the journey to escape the abusive relationship.
- 🛑 The Decision to Leave: The turning point for the speaker was a combination of personal reflection, learning about the reality of the abusive relationship, and the courage to walk away.
- 🏆 Healing and Advocacy: After escaping the relationship, the speaker used her experiences to advocate for other victims of abuse, using the platform provided by winning the Mrs. Globe title.
- 🌍 Raising Awareness: The script emphasizes the importance of raising awareness about abuse, involving both men and women in the conversation, and promoting healing and education.
- 🚫 Refusal to Define by Abuse: The speaker asserts that abuse should not define a person and encourages others to recognize their worth and seek help to overcome their experiences.
Q & A
What is the cycle of abuse as described by psychotherapist Lenore Walker?
-The cycle of abuse consists of three phases: the tension building phase, where the victim attempts to control the situation; the incident phase, which involves a violent outbreak that can be physical or emotional; and the honeymoon phase, where the abuser expresses remorse and begs for forgiveness, often leading the victim to decide to stay.
What is the Battered Woman Syndrome as developed by Lenore Walker?
-The Battered Woman Syndrome is a concept that identifies unique patterns of behavior and emotions that women exhibit when they become victims of abuse. It is suggested to be a subtype of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Why did the speaker initially not recognize her relationship as abusive?
-The speaker initially did not recognize her relationship as abusive because she had preconceived notions about what abuse looked like, associating it with uneducated, low-income families. She was from an upper middle-class family and did not realize that abuse could occur across different socioeconomic backgrounds.
How did the abuser in the story take control of the speaker's life?
-The abuser, referred to as Romeo, took control by isolating the speaker from her friends, making her economically and emotionally dependent on him, and by displaying jealousy and possessiveness.
What was the turning point for the speaker that led her to leave the abusive relationship?
-The turning point was when a friend of Romeo's revealed to the speaker that Romeo had many other girlfriends. This revelation, coupled with the ongoing cycle of abuse, provided the speaker with the clarity and strength to walk away.
Why did the speaker initially go back to her abuser after a breakup?
-The speaker went back to her abuser because she was led to believe by his sister that his violent actions were a result of love and that he was devastated without her. This, along with her emotional dependency and the belief in his remorse, led her to accept him back.
What role did the speaker's father play in her eventual escape from the abusive relationship?
-The speaker's father played a crucial role by negotiating with Romeo over the phone during a life-threatening situation, convincing him to release the speaker. He also called the police for assistance.
How did the speaker's participation in the Mrs. Globe pageant influence her understanding of her past abuse?
-The Mrs. Globe pageant introduced the speaker to the term 'abuse' and allowed her to connect the dots about her past relationship. This realization helped her understand that she was a victim of abuse and motivated her to heal and educate others about the issue.
What is the name of the non-profit organization the speaker started to help abused women?
-The speaker started an organization called 'A.L.A.S.' (which stands for 'Arming Latinas Against Abuse') to provide information and free programming to help abused women heal.
How did the speaker's experience with abuse influence her parenting?
-The speaker's experience led her to raise her children with a different perspective. She is raising her son not to feel the need to save a woman in distress and her daughters not to believe they need a 'Prince Charming' to save them.
What message does the speaker want to convey to women who are in abusive relationships?
-The speaker wants to convey that there is help and information available, and that it is possible to heal from abuse. She emphasizes that being in an abusive relationship does not define a woman and encourages them to seek help and engage in conversations about abuse.
Why is it important to involve men in conversations about abuse?
-Involving men in conversations about abuse is important because it helps to create a more balanced understanding of the issue, promotes empathy, and encourages a collective effort to prevent and address abuse in society.
Outlines
😔 Understanding Abuse and the Cycle of Abuse
The first paragraph introduces the topic of abuse, highlighting the common misconceptions and the question of why victims stay in abusive relationships. The speaker shares her personal experience of being in an abusive relationship from ages 23 to 28, where she was subjected to physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse. She explains that she did not recognize her situation as abuse at the time due to stereotypes about who abuse victims are. The paragraph also introduces the 'cycle of abuse' theory by psychotherapist Lenore Walker, which consists of the tension building phase, the incident, and the honeymoon phase. The speaker also touches on the concept of 'battered woman syndrome,' a subtype of PTSD, and how it affects the behavior of abused women.
💔 The Manipulation and Control in Abusive Relationships
This paragraph delves into the manipulative tactics used by the speaker's abuser, referred to as Romeo. It describes how the abuser initially showed generosity and care, which later turned into control and isolation from friends and family. The speaker discusses the economic and emotional dependency that developed, leading to a cycle of abuse where violence was followed by remorse and reconciliation. The abuser's tactics included public humiliation, undermining the speaker's self-esteem, and creating a sense of worthlessness. The narrative also includes a pivotal moment where the speaker decided to leave the relationship after an especially violent episode.
😩 The Relentless Cycle and the Struggle for Freedom
The third paragraph describes the ongoing cycle of abuse and the speaker's struggle to break free. It details the abuser's escalating violence, including choking and locking the speaker up. The honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse becomes shorter and eventually non-existent. The speaker shares a critical moment when a friend reveals that Romeo had many other girlfriends, which was the final straw that led her to leave. The paragraph concludes with a dramatic account of Romeo's attempt to harm the speaker, which was thwarted by a phone call to her father and his intervention.
🌟 Healing and Advocacy: From Victim to Victor
In the final paragraph, the speaker talks about her journey towards healing and her decision to break free from the abusive relationship. She describes the support she received from her family and friends, and how she used her experiences to become an advocate for abuse awareness. The speaker shares her participation in the Mrs. Globe pageant, where she learned the term for her past experiences—abuse. She founded an organization called Alas, which aims to inform women about abuse and offer them free programming. The speaker emphasizes the importance of involving men in the conversation about abuse and encourages everyone to recognize that abuse does not define a person. She concludes with a message of hope and empowerment, stating that she is living proof that one can rise above abuse.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Abuse
💡Cycle of Abuse
💡Battered Woman Syndrome
💡Codependency
💡Economic Control
💡Emotional Abuse
💡Love Addiction
💡PTSD
💡Healing
💡Mr. Globe
💡Romeo
Highlights
The speaker was in an abusive relationship between the ages of 23 and 28, and initially did not recognize it as abuse.
The Cycle of Abuse, a theory by psychotherapist Lenore Walker, explains the phases of tension building, incident, and honeymoon in abusive relationships.
The Battered Woman Syndrome, also developed by Lenore Walker, is a pattern of behavior and emotional response seen in abuse victims, often associated with PTSD.
The speaker's abuser, referred to as Romeo, was initially loving and generous, which later transitioned into controlling and abusive behavior.
Economic control and emotional manipulation were tactics used by the abuser to maintain power in the relationship.
The speaker describes the abuser's tactics of isolating her from friends and family, leading to increased dependency on him.
The honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse is when the abuser shows remorse, and it is often when the victim decides to stay.
The speaker recounts a violent episode that led to a breakup, but she was drawn back in by the abuser's remorse and manipulation.
The abuser's actions escalated to threats and acts of violence, including choking and locking the speaker up.
A friend's revelation about the abuser's infidelity was the catalyst for the speaker to finally leave the relationship.
The speaker's father played a crucial role in negotiating her safety during a life-threatening encounter with the abuser.
The speaker's decision to leave the abuser was solidified by imagining the future and recognizing the lack of hope in staying.
After leaving the abusive relationship, the speaker met a supportive partner and had three children.
The speaker's participation in the Mrs. Globe pageant and her subsequent win led to her understanding and naming of her past abuse.
The speaker founded an organization called Alas to inform and support women experiencing abuse.
The importance of involving men in conversations about abuse and making it a societal issue is emphasized.
The speaker encourages abused individuals to seek help and emphasizes that abuse does not define them.
Transcripts
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